Hello........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Hello........
Hello all, I am new to this forum, but thought this would be the right place to start.
I started dating my boyfriend/fiancein 2007, the first time we had sex I got pregnant and we had a baby boy in 2008. (we'd know each other for several years but never dated prior to this)
In Jan 08 he was injured at work and put on pain medications, things have gone downhill ever since. When he ran out of pain meds he turned to liquor and or crack/cocaine. I've stuck by him through it all but about a week ago I had just had enough! I told him he had 2 wks to move his stuff out & leave. This past Sunday I came home from taking my son & daughter (daughter is from a previous relationship) to a birthday party and found that he had been drinking. From past experience he can get very nasty while drinking so I called his mother to come get him and she did. He hasn't been back since, and I am actually happy about it. I am at the point where I refuse to continue to let his addiction take over my home and ruin my life. He's gone to rehab in the past but currently doesn't think he has a problem only because he's not out doing hard core drugs. He thinks that taking more pills than prescribed and drinking is no big deal, but it is. Whenever we have spoke on the phone since he left on Sunday he always ends up going from being nice to a complete a$$ and blaming everything on me. I know that his addicition is not my fault because he was using prior to us dating (didn't know this until after the fact). I am just at that point where I can't take anymore and want mine and my childrens life to be normal. I'm sick and tired of his addiciton constantly having my home in a uproar.
I have told him he needs to get help and he constantly points the finger at me and will not admit that he has a problem when he does. I've been down this road with him too many times and I'm ready to take the fork in the road and get away from it all.
I started dating my boyfriend/fiancein 2007, the first time we had sex I got pregnant and we had a baby boy in 2008. (we'd know each other for several years but never dated prior to this)
In Jan 08 he was injured at work and put on pain medications, things have gone downhill ever since. When he ran out of pain meds he turned to liquor and or crack/cocaine. I've stuck by him through it all but about a week ago I had just had enough! I told him he had 2 wks to move his stuff out & leave. This past Sunday I came home from taking my son & daughter (daughter is from a previous relationship) to a birthday party and found that he had been drinking. From past experience he can get very nasty while drinking so I called his mother to come get him and she did. He hasn't been back since, and I am actually happy about it. I am at the point where I refuse to continue to let his addiction take over my home and ruin my life. He's gone to rehab in the past but currently doesn't think he has a problem only because he's not out doing hard core drugs. He thinks that taking more pills than prescribed and drinking is no big deal, but it is. Whenever we have spoke on the phone since he left on Sunday he always ends up going from being nice to a complete a$$ and blaming everything on me. I know that his addicition is not my fault because he was using prior to us dating (didn't know this until after the fact). I am just at that point where I can't take anymore and want mine and my childrens life to be normal. I'm sick and tired of his addiciton constantly having my home in a uproar.
I have told him he needs to get help and he constantly points the finger at me and will not admit that he has a problem when he does. I've been down this road with him too many times and I'm ready to take the fork in the road and get away from it all.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi tallgirl (I'm a tall girl too, 6')! Welcome to SR!
Seeings as how he's been to rehab, he knows what it takes to turn his life around, but chooses to do otherwise.
Huge kudos for you for recognizing this is not what you want, and for protecting those precious kids of yours!
Seeings as how he's been to rehab, he knows what it takes to turn his life around, but chooses to do otherwise.
Huge kudos for you for recognizing this is not what you want, and for protecting those precious kids of yours!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Hi tallgirl (I'm a tall girl too, 6')! Welcome to SR!
Seeings as how he's been to rehab, he knows what it takes to turn his life around, but chooses to do otherwise.
Huge kudos for you for recognizing this is not what you want, and for protecting those precious kids of yours!
Seeings as how he's been to rehab, he knows what it takes to turn his life around, but chooses to do otherwise.
Huge kudos for you for recognizing this is not what you want, and for protecting those precious kids of yours!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I understand. When I finally walked away from my EXAH, it was for my own sanity and safety (he was psychotic and violent). The damage was irreparable, even if he had found recovery, which he never did.
The lies and manipulation were making me sicker and sicker over the years. I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends.
The lies and manipulation were making me sicker and sicker over the years. I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
Your children are the most important issue here and there is no way they should be living with an active addict. Getting him out is good. Hope you stay strong and keep him out for your sake and especially that of your children.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I understand. When I finally walked away from my EXAH, it was for my own sanity and safety (he was psychotic and violent). The damage was irreparable, even if he had found recovery, which he never did.
The lies and manipulation were making me sicker and sicker over the years. I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends.
The lies and manipulation were making me sicker and sicker over the years. I am so grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends.
Originally Posted by suki44883
Your children are the most important issue here and there is no way they should be living with an active addict. Getting him out is good. Hope you stay strong and keep him out for your sake and especially that of your children.
I too have done this for my own sanity and the saftey of myself and my children. I have tried explaining to him why I asked him to leave but right now with him not seeing or recognizing there is a problem it seems pointless. I just hope for at least our sons sake that he wakes up and gets the help that he truly needs. I'm at a point now where our relationship is done. But I am willing to be a friend and co-parent but only if he gets help.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
tallgirl,
Sounds like you have a pretty strong head on your shoulder about all of this, good for you! I know it must still be difficult, we are here to listen and share right along with you.
I understand about the part where with the more stuff he puts you through the less that you feel for him. You almost go numb....
Take care of you...
Sounds like you have a pretty strong head on your shoulder about all of this, good for you! I know it must still be difficult, we are here to listen and share right along with you.
I understand about the part where with the more stuff he puts you through the less that you feel for him. You almost go numb....
Take care of you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by MissTara
tallgirl,
Sounds like you have a pretty strong head on your shoulder about all of this, good for you! I know it must still be difficult, we are here to listen and share right along with you.
I understand about the part where with the more stuff he puts you through the less that you feel for him. You almost go numb....
Take care of you...
Sounds like you have a pretty strong head on your shoulder about all of this, good for you! I know it must still be difficult, we are here to listen and share right along with you.
I understand about the part where with the more stuff he puts you through the less that you feel for him. You almost go numb....
Take care of you...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
tallgirl77:
I am tall also!!! 6'1... I love to see another tall woman, brings me joy:-). Kudos to you for doing what is best for you. I know that its hard at times and it will be but you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. No more of him controlling the mood in your home. I love that you mentioned a part about hearing it all before. I was going to post something about manipulation and lies earlier but I was a bit embrassed realy to post it. The point is their lies and manipulation can pull at your heart at times. Glad you have reached a point where your tired of him and his mess. "Heard it all before" I have also and I have to remind myself just that in moments of weakness. Hugs to you!!!
I am tall also!!! 6'1... I love to see another tall woman, brings me joy:-). Kudos to you for doing what is best for you. I know that its hard at times and it will be but you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. No more of him controlling the mood in your home. I love that you mentioned a part about hearing it all before. I was going to post something about manipulation and lies earlier but I was a bit embrassed realy to post it. The point is their lies and manipulation can pull at your heart at times. Glad you have reached a point where your tired of him and his mess. "Heard it all before" I have also and I have to remind myself just that in moments of weakness. Hugs to you!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Update: A few days have past since I last posted. His attitude has changed quite a bit. No more of the threats and such. But now, he & his mother have been telling me that he has/is quitting his pain meds cold turkey because his Pain Management Dr will only give him a referral to see another Dr to get Saboxon (sp?) and there is a 6 week waiting list and he doesn't want to wait that long. Problem is, I've heard all this before, he's attempted it before and obviously failed. I've read the issues with not taking your meds/not being weened off by your Dr...etc...I want to believe that he is sincere in his recovery, but honestly I just can't. Maybe time and truth will prove me wrong but I just don't believe him.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
I say that it is definately ok not to believe him, to be on your toes about it. With all of the lies that we have dealt with in the past & present with our addicts it is only natural to take things with a grain of salt. But for me the important thing is to not worry so much about what is a lie or truth when it comes to them...but to care and take care about myself during it all....
(hugs to you)
(hugs to you)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Quitting drugs is only one aspect of addiction. There are so many behaviors that go along with it but those behaviors won't change if the addict doesn't recognize them.
My son is living on the streets of a neighboring city. He borrowed someone's cell phone and called me. I had a nice long talk with him. The words are there....but until his actions begin to match his words, he hasn't really made progress toward sobriety. When your boyfriend's actions (behavior) and words begin to match up, that's when you know he's headed in the right direction.
Take care of yourself and those two children. Being a healthy Mom is the greatest gift you can give them.
gentle hugs
ke
My son is living on the streets of a neighboring city. He borrowed someone's cell phone and called me. I had a nice long talk with him. The words are there....but until his actions begin to match his words, he hasn't really made progress toward sobriety. When your boyfriend's actions (behavior) and words begin to match up, that's when you know he's headed in the right direction.
Take care of yourself and those two children. Being a healthy Mom is the greatest gift you can give them.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by tallgirl77
I want to believe that he is sincere in his recovery, but honestly I just can't. Maybe time and truth will prove me wrong but I just don't believe him.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by kmangel
He may be sincere--but his addiction prevents him from being able to follow through. My son tried to quit but he needed inpatient rehab to quit. Your boyfriend needs rehab, too, no doubt. I see he has been in rehab in the past, but apparently he didn't do the follow up care after rehab. Be prepared for your boyfriend not to make any progress this time around, too. He needs more than getting clean--he needs a whole new way of thinking, living his life.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Welcome.
Like you said, you've been down this road with him too many times before. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and also actions... actions speak louder than words.
Addicts lie. It's part of the disease. They will say/do anything to continue their addiction and ensure that their enablers stick around. I'm glad your focus is on you and your children. This is the only way to break the cycle of addiction and abuse.
I found that eventually, I had to go no contact with my son's father - I was absolutely sick and tired of hearing his BS. It was hurting me and hurting our son. In my heart I knew that time would tell whether he was really going to get and stay clean and sober. And time DID tell. He's no longer part of our lives. And thank GOODNESS my son and I don't have a front row seat to his addiction and psychosis and lies anymore. It's hard enough to be a single parent, but to have my energy sucked away by a needy, imbalanced drug addict - that was just too much for me.
My life has improved a million times over since then.
Like you said, you've been down this road with him too many times before. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and also actions... actions speak louder than words.
Addicts lie. It's part of the disease. They will say/do anything to continue their addiction and ensure that their enablers stick around. I'm glad your focus is on you and your children. This is the only way to break the cycle of addiction and abuse.
I found that eventually, I had to go no contact with my son's father - I was absolutely sick and tired of hearing his BS. It was hurting me and hurting our son. In my heart I knew that time would tell whether he was really going to get and stay clean and sober. And time DID tell. He's no longer part of our lives. And thank GOODNESS my son and I don't have a front row seat to his addiction and psychosis and lies anymore. It's hard enough to be a single parent, but to have my energy sucked away by a needy, imbalanced drug addict - that was just too much for me.
My life has improved a million times over since then.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
I made the mistake of talking to him last night. He called a million times leaving messages that he wanted to talk to our son, that he knew we'd be going to church that evening and to call him before we went. So, I called & he talked to our son for a few minutes. He then asked to speak to me and I got on the phone. He asked why I hadn't been answering his calls. I told him because I did not want to speak to him (especially while I was at work) then I asked why he keeps calling asking if he can drop off money when 2 days ago I told him that he could. Well, the conversation turned to everything being my fault, that I was seeing someone else, etc...(the typical BS that I hear from him) I ended the conversation by saying "I do not have to put up with your BS or manipulation any longer, this conversation is over, Goodbye"
AGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I so just wish he would fall off the face of the earth. It's just so frustrating. But I've continued to stand my ground with him and refuse to take his BS any longer and I told him that. I'm just so sick of the excuses and lies and all the BS that comes with it.
He tried to tell me that he went to 2 meetings yesterday, if that's true...great...but I highly doubt it. I did tell him that he has yet to admit he has a problem and follow through with a recovery program to get the help he truly needs. He made excuses on how he didn't have a license and didn't have this or that. I told him that it was nobodys fault but his own on why he didn't have those things....
I feel like I'm just rambling but it feels good to vent even if it's in type...lol
AGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I so just wish he would fall off the face of the earth. It's just so frustrating. But I've continued to stand my ground with him and refuse to take his BS any longer and I told him that. I'm just so sick of the excuses and lies and all the BS that comes with it.
He tried to tell me that he went to 2 meetings yesterday, if that's true...great...but I highly doubt it. I did tell him that he has yet to admit he has a problem and follow through with a recovery program to get the help he truly needs. He made excuses on how he didn't have a license and didn't have this or that. I told him that it was nobodys fault but his own on why he didn't have those things....
I feel like I'm just rambling but it feels good to vent even if it's in type...lol
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I used to have a 24 hour rule in place with my ex. If I wanted to talk to him, or planned on returning his call, I required myself to wait 24 hours to do so. The time allowed me to have a clear head and helped with the emotional aspect of it all. And sometimes, after 24 hours, I just decided not to call him back at all.
The addict will always be there waiting for you, should you decide you need some chaos in your life.
The addict will always be there waiting for you, should you decide you need some chaos in your life.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
Last night I sent him a text msg responding to him asking if he could have our son this weekend. I told him no in the best way possible. Well then his mother calls and threatend me with going to CPS first thing this morning and filing charges and a bunch of other BS threats. She also claimed that he has been clean of drugs and alcohol for one week, if that's true great. And supposedly he has gotten into a program. Well he needs to be in an inpatient program period. I have nothing to be concerned about so her threats are empty to me. Call CPS, that's fine, that way it can be documented that I am a good mother by someone neutral in the situtation. I just find it funny that he has to get his mom involved.
What's even funnier is I get a text from him this morning telling me we need to be friends for our sons sake, and that I need to let him see him and how I'm no angel and how we both have our own issues and that he's dealing with his. And how he promises that he is for the sake of himself, our son & his daughter. And that he's a great father and for me to stop this before it goes any further.
All that is, is a cry for me not to take him to court because he knows that his addiction/actions etc will all come out and he doesn't want that. He also knows that his child support will increase quite a bit from what he's been giving me.
I'm just so sick of the one minute all nice attitude and then threats and back & forth....Another Friday that I won't be going home after work to avoid dealing with him or his mother, if they actually show up.
The thing that pisses me off most is I'm at a point when he tells me he will be at my house that I don't want to go home and I shouldn't have to feel that way. But I guess until we go to court it will be like this....ugh...
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend (((((hugs))))
What's even funnier is I get a text from him this morning telling me we need to be friends for our sons sake, and that I need to let him see him and how I'm no angel and how we both have our own issues and that he's dealing with his. And how he promises that he is for the sake of himself, our son & his daughter. And that he's a great father and for me to stop this before it goes any further.
All that is, is a cry for me not to take him to court because he knows that his addiction/actions etc will all come out and he doesn't want that. He also knows that his child support will increase quite a bit from what he's been giving me.
I'm just so sick of the one minute all nice attitude and then threats and back & forth....Another Friday that I won't be going home after work to avoid dealing with him or his mother, if they actually show up.
The thing that pisses me off most is I'm at a point when he tells me he will be at my house that I don't want to go home and I shouldn't have to feel that way. But I guess until we go to court it will be like this....ugh...
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend (((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
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Funny thing, while I was finishing typing my previous post he called n left a msg. Stated he wasn't coming to get our son tonight and that he would be over Sunday to get the rest of his stuff from my house. He also stated he was going away for 4 weeks. I am so hoping for the sake of his sobriety that he is going into Rehab. I do want my son to grow up with his father, so long as he is sober and I truly hope he is sincere. But for now, I will concentrate on me & my children and getting our lives back on track.
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