fedup3

Two months to go before my divorce will be final but I'm not sure I will mentally survive until then. My AH lives with me, so we're not separated but in the past we were off and on for a few months here and there. Sorry I'm rambling on, my AH has been non-stop either yelling, crying, banging walls, pleading not to divorce him from the time I get up in the morning until I leave for work and it continues when I come home from work to bedtime. He has not be sober for well over a month now and is in a really bad mental al fog. He forgets anything he hears 5 minutes earlier and shows no patience with himself or me! He refuses to do anything to take care of himself from finding an apartment to checking out early SS, he does NOTHING but drink. Yet, in my heart I know that once I get him out of the house after the divorce (probably by the police) that he will die in a very short time, ugh. I find myself crying at times I wasn't even thinking about AH probably the stress that I feel all the time. Thanks for listening at least I never think about the cancer coming back!

BecomingMe

You WILL survive! Is there anything you can do to remove yourself from the home environment until the divorce goes through? I'm by no means sure of the best thing -- working out a lot of this myself right now. But maybe if there is somewhere else you can stay, so you can take care of yourself?

Leaping

Wow, this must be horribly miserable for you. I agree, get out if you can. Maybe a friends house or a family member? I can not even imagine going through this like you are - I just told my dad how glad I was that my soon to be ex was not in the home. I hope things dont escalate as it closer to the date, please take care of yourself and be safe

m1k3

I have to agree with becomingMe, is there anyplace you can go to and stay until the divorce is over? If not can you get him out of the house some how, like a restraining order?

I have no experience with this but it seems to me you need to get yourself someplace safe and sane.

Your friend,

lillamy

You're correct: You can't live like that for two months.
You need to find a way to get him out of the house. Do you have a lawyer? Can you try to figure out a way to legally kick him out?

A protective order is very hard to get if there is not evidence of physical violence. But call a women's shelter anyway and ask for an advocate to call you back. Depending on what state you're in, some of his behavior (like if he threatens suicide) actually qualifies as domestic violence, and that might be a way to get him out of your house.

I know leaving an actively drinking alcoholic in your home is about as attractive an option as having your wisdom teeth pulled without anesthetic, but under the circumstances, if nothing else, you might want to consider that.

Because while a home can be trashed and rebuilt, rebuilding a trashed mental/emotional (and who knows, maybe physical) health is way harder.

Lots of hugs to you.

fedup3

Thanks everyone but I'm afraid if I leave the house it will burn down with him in it. Just last night he was cooking something on the stove and he passed out burnt it to ashes and thank goodness I was home. I'm leaving on vacation with my daughter next week for four days and I'm already getting a panic attack about leaving. Everything I have I worked for it he didn't contribute much and I'm going to be the one forking over alimony to him after the divorce! My lawyer has already asked me if I wanted an order of protection but if I kick him out he has nothing and believe no one. I may be divorcing him but I just can't put him in the gutter.

m1k3

So its better to let him verbally abuse you and your daughter for 2 months or maybe burn down your house? Sorry but I'm not following that logic.

suki44883

If he lives in a gutter, it will be his choice. There is always Salvation Army where he can get a bed and food in exchange for a little work. He has options. Whether he chooses to exercise them is his choice. You also have options and whether you choose to exercise them is your choice.

gowest

I'm with Mike on this one.

Why should he stay?

How will it be any different in 2 months?

YOU should not leave, but it seems to me that his behavior has cost him his right to be in the family home starting right now.

Freedom1990

Amen to that.

It doesn't sound to me like 2 months is the magic number where he suddenly moves out, correct?

fedup3

Mike my daughter is a grown woman and doesn't live with us and she won't even talk to her father. My son won't talk to him either. You're all right I really should talk to my lawyer and she what advise she has for me with him. My AH is the type of man that unless I have an order of protection he will be pounding on my door and stalking me.

m1k3

fedup, if you are feel compassionate, I suffer from this also, pay him some or all of the amount he would be getting in alimony and tell him he can start his new life now. Of course this is after you talk to your lawyer.

I am kind of in the same boat right now with my AW. Looking to do a financial separation as the 1st step of the divorce. I don't want to throw her into the streets, and because she was a stay at home mom I want to at least give her a chance to land on her feet. But I have no intention of subsidizing her staying at home and drinking and drugging the rest of her life away either. At least not at the comfort level she is at now.

Good luck with this and keep us posted on what's going on.

Your friend in financial confusion,

fedup3

Thanks Mike, I wish I could say he did something like take care of our kids or cleaned or cooked but he's just a consumer of drink and very little food and a lot of problems. He was never a provider, couldn't get along with anyone on the job and I'm sure the alcohol was another reason as well. He's not getting a lawyer so he has already defaulted on the divorce but I have to wait a prove up time of 2 months so the courts will be satisfied that I gave him all the time in the world to fight this divorce. This is how wonderful it is living in a NO FAULT state.

m1k3

I wasn't thinking so much about moving up the divorce, more like a bribe, done legally with your lawyer to incent him to move out sooner.

fedup3

He is obsessed with me and with nothing else. He's a drowning man who has a grip on me treading slightly above water and it doesn't matter if he's pulling me down with him I'm his life jacket, how sad is that. So, to answer your question the money is not an incentive for him I wish it was because this would have been done a long time ago.

suki44883

Just from what you have posted, it sounds like an order of protection is necessary. It doesn't sound like getting away from this guy is going to be easy. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself.

Thumper

I know first hand how awful that relentlessness is. I had never experienced anything like it and never want to again.

My xah did finally leave. I started talking about proceeding with the temporary orders to arrange a police escort if it was needed. An apartment miraculously opened up.

If you are going to be paying him alimony anyway maybe it is worth your peace and serenity to protect your home and create a sanctuary. Just find/pay for two months on an apartment and get him out. He'll have 2 months to figure out his game plan (or not) and the divorce will be final then.

It is my opinion/experience that sometimes we forfeit the small battles to win the war. At least I did that in three instances. While I might still feel a pang of disgust over it, I don't really regret it. I lost money but not as much as I would have paid the court to work it out there. I just had to do what was right for me (spiritually, emotionally, financially, logistically) even if it meant letting him off the hook or giving in to him - which can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes but it makes no sense to dig in our heels if it costs us so much strife - IMO. I think many might disagree so take it with a grain of salt!

Can you let go of his outcomes if you do this one last thing? If you don't think you can it is a very slippery slope. You deserve peace. You deserve to live in the home you worked for. You deserve solitude and serenity. You are making bold steps towards accomplishing that. Stay focused on that goal. Getting him to leave moves you towards that goal. Enabling him/protecting him once he is gone does not. It is a different thing ya know?

fedup3

You're probably right suki. It's the rescuer in me that wants him settled somewhere else so I can feel ok walking away.

fedup3

thumper, my therapist is already warning me about what to expect once he's gone after the divorce. It's hard with him and I know it will be hard without him. No good way out, but I have to keep moving forward.

fedup3

You're right I must need to be needed and boy is he needy! What can I do about the vacation with my daughter for 4 days, cancel it when she has been looking so forward to going with me? Anyone have any suggestions on how to go and yet have a home to come back to?