Behavioral Cahnges

Old 07-05-2011, 08:53 AM
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Behavioral Cahnges

I am new and new some "direct" advice. My life is falling apart and has been doing so for many years. My 28 yr.old son came out of rehab a year ago for pain killer abuse. How long he had been using is still no clear but we know steady/dependent use started 6-7 months prior to him going to rehab (he lost his job and had to move back in with my husband and I). He also divorced and has a 2 year old son. He has never listened since he was 10 to advice, so his behavior is one of no financial responsibility, he has no organizational skills-his life is lived my the moment and his ADHD is more obvious than ever-his ability to focus and execute a plan is non-exisitant (it is as if he is still 10 years old) stubborn, confrontational, his car and room become embarrassing if not unbearable. He goes attend NA meetings for the most part and returns home motivated, but things don't change. I don't expect drugs at this time, he has 3-4 months ago, took Xanax, drank and had a seizure; since then I have seen no other evidence other than Suboxon film now and then. This week he drank a beer and realized he couldn't stop and became very frustrated. His lack of "growing up" and get his life together so that he can get OUT, he is going to destroy my marriage and everyone's chance for a relationship. When he is good, he is good, but the roller coaster ride is killing all of us. We do good to get thru 5 days without some "hell" raised. What /when will he get it and grow up? Please tell me how to get back to this site so that I can read your help. Thanks in advance.
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by vj5386 View Post

(he lost his job and had to move back in with my husband and I).

This was a missed opportunity to learn the skills necessary to stand on is own 2 feet. You are not his only alternative.

He goes attend NA meetings for the most part and returns home motivated, but things don't change. I don't expect drugs at this time, he has 3-4 months ago, took Xanax, drank and had a seizure; since then I have seen no other evidence other than Suboxon film now and then. This week he drank a beer and realized he couldn't stop and became very frustrated.

Sounds like he is going through the motions which is not recovery. Taking Xanax and drinking is not recovery. Seems like he is looking for something to replace his drugs of choice.

Please tell me how to get back to this site so that I can read your help. Thanks in advance.
You are at soberrecovery.com. This is the friends and family of substance abusers forum, aka codependents.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You cannot make or will him to change. You can however, change your reaction and approach, going forward.

You are not his only option.

Your house-your rules.

Is he currently working and paying you room and board? Does he pay child support? Who pays for the car, insurance, cell phone and the subs?

Consider giving him 30 days notice to find somewhere else to live. A sober living envirnment is a good option. Let him do the work and find a place. Give him the dignity of experiencing adult life and consequences for his choices.

He will likely pitch a tantrum to end all tantrums. Bummer, eh. Maybe his lack of action will mean he chooses to live on the streets, in a car or in a homeless shelter. Remember, it's his choices and his consequences and likely his only shot at gaining some maturity.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Get out of his way and let him figure it out. If not now, when? 38? 48? 58?
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:34 PM
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Hello vj and huggs from one Mom to another.

I hope this board does for you what it did for me...let me know that I"m not ALONE!! I would look around my little town and think "nobody has this many adult children who are dysfunctional".

I want you to know, we all walk this path together. I read, read, read and attend CODA. I'm still a baby in recovery, but that's OK. I spent years trying to "reign in" my wayward adult children and I now realize the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results from THEM.

OuttoLunch made a very good point:
Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Get out of his way and let him figure it out. If not now, when? 38? 48? 58?
I just could not see myself going through another year with everybody hanging onto me until I couldn't hold them up anymore and they certainly could not hold me up.

Huggs
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:58 PM
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He is an adult, time for him to take care of himself, your letting him live with you is enabling, it is not helping him one little bit.

If you do not take some action now, he will still be living with you at age 40. A 40 year old man with an emotional IQ of a 17 year old, unless he is forced to be responsible for himself he will make no progress.

Do you attend Alanon meetings? If not, might be a good idea.

I know this is a difficult situation for you and your family, however, it can improve if you will make the decision to take back the control of your life.

We are here to support you.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:01 PM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery.

I will tell you my side of the story from the A point of view. In Jan. '79 when I was 33 1/2 years old, my parents and family said 'NO MORE. This is your problem, you deal with it, if you call, we will hang up, if you come to the door, it will be shut in your face, and if you attempt to steal from us we will call the police."

I was out. That was it. All help. All putting up with my shenanigans stopped! I spent the next 2 1/2 years continuing with my alcohol and drug abuse, the last 1 and 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollywood.

At 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, I found recovery ON MY OWN. My alcoholism and drug addiction had to take me to 'my bottom' a place where I became teachable.

That was over 30 years ago.

About 3 years into recovery my mother and I were finally able to talk about the worst of it. She told me, that had they not done what they did, my father and her were about to end up in a padded cell in a psych ward. They had no clue about Alanon back then.

I will tell you that IT WAS THE BEST THING MY PARENT HAD EVER DONE FOR ME.

The 'allowed' me to suffer ALL the CONSEQUENCES of my addiction and my actions.

They knew they had no recourse but TO LET GO.

I had put them through he!!. They had reached 'survival' mode for themselves.

Let me add that:

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

You might want to try some Alanon or Naranon meetings. I mention Alanon as they are many time more available at varying times in any particular community than Naranon and/or counseling with an 'addiction specialist.'

Many of us have been where you are now. We have lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) to share with, on what we had to do to survive.

Check out Sober Recovery, read other threads and the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, then ...........................

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:02 PM
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The worst place in the world for my 33-year-old addict daughter is my home.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.

She walked all over me.

Never again will I make that mistake.
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Old 07-05-2011, 07:58 PM
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Welcome to SR......you've found a wonderful forum full of people who know the chaos and anxiety of loving an addict/alcoholic.

My son is currently homeless. He sleeps on people's couches or in his car. It is sad but I just couldn't live with active addiction in my house. We tried that. It was bad for him and bad for me. My serenity is too important to me. My marriage is too important to me. My life is too important to me. I was allowing my son to damage all of those things. It had to stop.

When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll be able to do what you need to do to find serenity. For me, I found it in the rooms of Alanon and Naranon (I go to both). I read everything I can get my hands on. I do what I need to do to keep myself healthy. There are other people who love me and need me.....not just my son.

I love him so very much but my love can't cure him. I had to detach and allow him the opportunity to find himself. I pray daily that he will. He has been through rehab (out patient twice and in patient twice) so I know he has the tools for recovery when he's ready.

We understand your pain. We understand your concern. When you're ready for things to get better, they can get better....but I won't lie to you.....it's hard. I work the program that I wish my son would work and I do it every single day. But as a result of my hard work, I am able to find serenity.....even though my son continues to use.

gentle hugs from another mom
ke
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:31 AM
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Angry vj5386

Gosh-thanks for all the replies, what I scares me to death but I know you are right. I think the time is coming Yes, he pays most of his bills (exception health insurance). Just got a text, said he WOULD not be yelled at again-EVER. Told him it would most likely inevitable, so he might need to start making other plans.
I get caught up in when he is good, he is good. He is hanging out with a really nice girl, he just ignores our feelings and the pain, anger, frustration of his lack of responsibility just fester until he has a moment to "talk" and then he sets the conditions or gets confrontational. I think his Dad is going to have a stroke or they are going to get physical.
My son is out for himself...he says survival. He works, but then he goes to this girl's house and he doesn't take time to sit and deal with the family issues. He never has when I look back.
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:52 AM
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Well, person is a work and thru texting, he knows the end of his rope here at this house are slipping thru his fingers...of course, blamed us...but with all the help/honest advice, I held my ground-he cazed it and he has to fix it...we have given support for almost 2 years and he just takes it for granted and goes on his happy way...knowing we are falling apart here. Thanks again and pray hard tonight-there is a household that is going to need it.
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by vj5386 View Post
His lack of "growing up" and get his life together so that he can get OUT, he is going to destroy my marriage and everyone's chance for a relationship.

What /when will he get it and grow up?

vj,

Actually, it's the other way around. He needs to get out so he can grow up and get his life together.

Although we love our kids, they truly can destroy us and our lives if we allow it.

I, too, found SR when I didn't have anywhere else to turn. The wonderful people here helped me to save my marriage and my sanity. They led me to Al-Anon and CoDa and a relationship with a Higher Power I had forgotten existed.

My favorite saying from SR and possibly the one that has helped me the most is:
Let go or be dragged...
Sending you love and hugs from another mom,

Hunny
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Old 07-06-2011, 08:39 AM
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vj,

I am sorry that you are hurting. I do not know what it is like to have a child be addicted, but my brother is an addict/alcoholic. I am 37, he is 33. I have helped and enabled him like everyone else here has helped their addicted children. I almost thought of him as my child, as strange as that sounds.

In this program I have come to learn several things. One of them is this...who am I to deprive my brother, my adult brother, of the right to make his own decisions and to learn or fall from them on his own? Several months ago I stopped sending him money & hygeine products. When he asked I told him I did not have the money financially to help. Eventually he stopped asking. So I agree with everyone who says that your AS needs to grow up on his own. He can not do that if you and your family are enabling him.

I hope you keep coming back here to SR to share and read the posts. This is a really great program and it works if you work it....

(((hugs)))
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