DGhelp

i am so unbelievably disgusted with myself. i posted my story here and told about how the addict in my life has caused so much pain and hurt and disappointment. how i didn't want to expose my 5-year old son to this. how i was "happy" to be off the roller coaster. while that is all true, i still can't stop thinking about him, wondering whether he is thinking of me, whether he really ever loved me (my heart tells me yes), wondering why he hasn't tried to contact me in over a week to apologize for disappearing. doesn't he know i'm hurting? doesn't he know what he's done is terrible and wrong and hurtful? and why the hell do i still care? why can't i stop loving him?? i wish i could. i wish it will all go away. i feel as though he will always have this hold on me and that terrifies me. even if a year were to go by, if he reached out to me, i am not convinced that i wouldn't go running back. one moment i am adamant that i am done with him, but the next i think about holding him, smelling him, and i feel weak. i'm so weak. i know he would just say how this time is different. but it wouldn't be different. and hearing everyone's advice i now know that i've only really every known him as a functioning addict and that even if he did get sober, it wouldn't all be roses...there would still be issues to work through - new issues - and he likely would not be the man i fell in love with. but still, every time i log on to my email, i find myself hoping to see his name, and then i look at my son and think "what the hell is wrong with you??" so, what the hell is wrong with me???? what is this hold he has on me? will it ever go away??

suki44883

(((HUGS))) Yes, it will, in time. It's only been a week. The more time you are away from the chaos, the more clear your mind will become. Give yourself some time. It's okay to be sad, but don't dwell there. Keep your son and his best interests at the forefront of your thoughts and you'll be fine. Take some time to breathe and just be.

MeredithD1

^^^what Suki said!

Nothing is wrong with you.

You are separating out from a profound relationship.

Don't beat yourself up for loving the addict. Your feelings are what they are. There is no need to be disgusted with yourself because you care for someone who can't give you what you need.

Hugs to you. Time heals.

hurtbeyondbelie

DGHelp:

Dont be so hard on yourself. I know tha is easier said than done but give yourself a break. It has been four months since I have broken up with my ex and I still find myself asking the same questions and feeling the ways that you described. Eventally you will beging to forgive yourself. Big hugs!!!

husband

It will go away. In my experience that's the case... The days get better and better. They haven't been great but it's getting better.
I spent 4 weeks in absolute pain. Feeling down, crying, depressed, angry and unable to focus. I am still with my wife and while her recovery has brought up tremendous fear and uncertainty of things to come I've come to accept (or at least I'm coming to terms with it). Don't get the wrong idea. I embrace her recovery there are however, a lot of uncertainties about what it'll do to our relationship. A lot of questions on what I have to change and how she is going to change. There is also a lot of reflection on myself and what I bring to this relationship. (Focusing on the unhealthy side of things).

I think most can relate to wanting to see his email. My "email" is a hug, or some intimacy from my wife. (the latter being ideal) har har.

In many ways I equate what we go through in the early stages (after having realized everything that has happened) to what one goes through after having lost someone in our lives. i.e. the 7 stages of mourning.

What is wrong with you? I don't know but I do believe these feelings are pretty normal.
What is this hold he has on me? He doesn't have a hold. I think you are going through what we are all going through and what many have gotten through.
I believe real love can and does hurt. Early on the distinction between love and obsession are grayed in many respects. I've been in this relationship for 20 years and knowing the level of betrayal that occurred hurt a lot. I think that is one of the reasons we go through the mourning process "the hurt". It's like everything I've known to be true is a farce. The earth is still a sphere, oxygen and other things work as they do but out lives have been turned upside down that's not easy to deal with.

Will it ever go away? It has for many. Give it time and continue to work on yourself.
I can't afford you the luxury of a guarantee but provided you work on yourself I think it will.
These weeks have taught me that not only do I have a lot to deal with but I am my biggest obstacle.


God bless you and your son. Keep posting... This place is a wonderful resource.

mazzie

This is round two with these feelings, having been my 2nd marraige with VERY similar endings. My comfort is knowing that I did "get over" the feelings like that from the first one. The fear of ending up in a third someday is what brought me to this site, Nar-anon, Al-anon and learning about my codependency. I had no idea 10 years ago about any of these. I recently found a great book called "CODEPENDENTS GUIDE TO THE TWELVE STEPS" by Melody Beattie. It has helped me take some of the focus off of my soon to be exah. I still battle these feelings but I'm learning a new perspective on my life, and the strenght I needed to truly move forward. Time does heal but for now remind yourself that it is one min., one hour and one day at a time. You've got 7 days and for this day you are strong and you've reached out. That is applaudable. (((((HUGS))))) and BLESSINGS to you and your family.

dollydo

When a relationship ends there is a grieving process, be patient with yourself and at the same time, keep moving forward. Spend some time with your friends, enjoy a good laugh, it will help.

Kindeyes

There is nothing wrong with you. You are human. And just like the rest of us, you are working through some strong emotions. You'll be ok.

You, your child, and your husband will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

DGhelp

thanks everyone. it means a lot that you are there. i'm doubting everything, especially my resolve to stay away from him. but one day at a time, i will be strong. tomorrow will be a little better than tomorrow.

MissTara

DG,

I have been there, I read your post and I litterally am feeling your pain right now. It does indeed get better, dont berate yourself on this. Your feelings are what they are right now. This does not mean that you wont feel differently as time moves on.

My ex is being released from prison tomorrow (I thought it was last week but I guess the date changed) and after him being gone for 5 long years, i still have moments of weakness where I feel the same things that you feel right now. I think that is part of the obsession I had for him trying to take over. It was and is hard work to re-wire my thinking and feelings towards him, it is still a work in progress, but it is worth it.

I will send groovy & loving vibes your way today...

hurtbeyondbelie

There is nothing wrong with you. Don't beat yourself up for falling in love wholeheartedly. It is hard at times and like anything else you will have good days and bad days. It has been four months and eight days since I have broken up with my exabf. I spent the first few months in shock, pain, crying, and just breathing through the day (not living). I don't believe that time heals, but I think that you learn how to accept and deal with things better with time. I still have moments where I long to be in his arms, or to hear his voice, to have my "friend" back. It will get better. You have a son that you have to be strong for, if I can live through this anyone can.... its a challenge but you will get through it. Hugs to you for strength and encouragement.