ajangel

What a weak dumb a$$! Just had to get that pint of vodka. Then the next day. Then a quart. Now I'm on day 2 taking xanax to stop the shakes. My boyfriend finally kicked me out for the last time. Have a place to stay but my heart is so sick. My nerves are shot. This too shall pass. Trying it again.

Mattcake

You'll probably get lots of replies - I'm wondering if you enjoyed your 60 days. I struggled a lot until I realised that, yes, recovery is challenging... but it's a process to be enjoyed, not endured. Since this realisation clicked within me it hasn't been smooth sailing , but I haven't looked back.

Hope this helps.

ps don't be so hard on yourself. learn from this and keep moving forward

1undone

Were you waiting to see if you could get to 60 days? Sometimes people just shouldn't count days. JMHO. It's like some people shouldn't know their weight but rather if they fit in their clothing.

Something to ponder.....

recoverywfaith

Glad you came back...I have relapses in my history too...but you never have to go back to that way of life again. Don't take the first drink/drug...take it one day at a time...and continue seeking support. Have you tried AA as another recovery tool to help in maintaining your sobriety?

Zebra1275

So what are you going to do different this time? Have you tried AA?

instant

I am glad you are back here and back on track

How did it come to that?

CarolD

I hope this time you will learn that drinking is just not for you...
Please do re start your sober life......do you have a plan in mind?

sobermax

So sorry to hear this. Glad you're here.

lushly

Hey Angel. I am sorry for your relapse. I just put together 62 days. I could not have done it without a program of recovery. They are out there. I spent 30 years playing the chronic alcoholic game. Stay sober for short periods. I was a girl in my 20s just wanting to have a good time, to a constantly drunk out of touch grandmother approching 50. This addiction took many good things from me. It took almost all I had including my lfe. I will put you in meditation, for you are the alcoholic whom still suffers.

indakut

I am sorry that you went back to drinking. Make a plan to stay sober, and work your plan.

ajangel

I have no plan. I am a emotional wreck right now. Between this breakup and finding a real place to live. And to make matters worse, I have to come up with a lie at work as to what happened to my eye. One day at a time. Today I am sober.

Anna

I found it absolutely exhausting to keep myself going at the end of my drinking days. The lies and the shame just wore me out emotionally and physically.

I wonder what changes you made in your life during your 60 sober days, besides stopping drinking?

ajangel

Nothing changed. The stress of someone else's expectations and daily drama gets exhausting. Control. Its all about control

runsinthefamily

Angel,
Hang in there. I'm about to be moving across the country (don't have a place to live lined up yet) in less than a month. I don't know if my partner of the last 3+ years will be moving with me or if I'll be making the journey by myself. The stress is eating away at me while he decides my fate. I know either way, I'll be fine, but it's definitely not easy.
Anyway, point of my reply - I hear you. Break-ups are rough. Not having a place to live, also rough. Rough doesn't even really seem to cover it.
I know it's hard, especially when you're incredibly stressed, but make a plan to stay sober, it might help give your life some direction in time when you feel so lost.

ajangel

The verbal went to physical in this past year. Funny, he was never like this before me. I guess I turned him ugly.

Anna

Please get out of the abusive situation that you are in.

Go to a women's shelter and take care of yourself.

Missy7

Hang in there LP. Work on yourself and don't worry about the BF. We're here for you.

ajangel

I so hate to air my dirty laundry on the internet. Sorry. I have kept things to myself for so long. I am out of the situation and safe.

1undone

Hey girl, DON'T EVER BLAME YOURSELF! Relationships are tough and at some point regardless of drinking other problems will eventually show themselves in your EX's life and if the propensity to be physical is there it will be there eventually no matter what. Take care of yourself! Please post here, we are supposed to be confidential and supportive so if you feel safer sending your friends private messages please do but don't be alone with this!

Missy7

I think it's fine to talk about our lives on here--others need to hear about their counterparts. When I suggested you not worry about him, I was being a bit brief. The truth is that if he has hit you, ever, he will again. Period. Now that might not be absolutely true--some men may recover from physical violence against women--but they are rare and special and should be honored for that. But they are so rare that no woman should risk her safety that her abuser will reform himself.

So you are starting a new life. Life hurts, and I suspect it hurts a lot in the beginning. So you need to work on yourself from exactly where you are. Go forward. It's a day at a time, an hour, a minute.

For example. Last night we drove home exhausted and hot and I wanted a drink I really, really, really wanted a drink. I was fifteen days sober at that point (and it has been a battle to get there) and my head could remember why I was quitting, but my heart could not figure it out. Somehow I wound up with a bowl of ice cream rather than a drink and I went to bed. I still woke up feeling sort of hungover--from the heat probably--but still sober. That's an hour I had to live through. A hard one on the drinking front.

Life is what it is, and maybe it's not what we had hoped...but there are still beautiful things to be experienced. But they're always in the future.

Hang in there.