Please Help--Boundary Setting for the First Time
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Please Help--Boundary Setting for the First Time
Hi friends,
Thank you all so much for being here for me throughout this process. I never imagined how difficult it would be, and SR has really been a lifesaver.
I posted a rant yesterday regarding the fact that I just found out that my ABF is using again. At this point, I realize how much work I still have to do on my own program because I have no clue how to proceed from here. I did tell him that when it comes down to it, it is either the drugs or me. Of course he responded that he chooses me and will stop using again. Having been with an A before, I know I'm being told what I want to hear. This is the first time this has happened with him since he left rehab. I will not be with someone in active addiction who is not seeking help, but I'd like to give him the chance to recommit to sobriety before I remove myself from the equation. We talked briefly about it, and when I began to imply that I needed him to commit to recovery in order to continue this, he said, "I know...I need myself to, too."
My question is, what sort of boundaries work in this kind of situation? I understand that the road to recovery is a long one, and it's one I am willing to walk down beside him as I work my own program as well, IF he is still on that path or is willing to backtrack for a second and rejoin me.
I know that I am the only one who can create my boundaries, but I would love to hear a few examples which might work or have worked in a similar situation. I want to make sure I am not controlling him but am still working toward my peace. This is the first time I have ever done the whole boundary thing, and it is not coming as easily as I had hoped. Thank you!
Thank you all so much for being here for me throughout this process. I never imagined how difficult it would be, and SR has really been a lifesaver.
I posted a rant yesterday regarding the fact that I just found out that my ABF is using again. At this point, I realize how much work I still have to do on my own program because I have no clue how to proceed from here. I did tell him that when it comes down to it, it is either the drugs or me. Of course he responded that he chooses me and will stop using again. Having been with an A before, I know I'm being told what I want to hear. This is the first time this has happened with him since he left rehab. I will not be with someone in active addiction who is not seeking help, but I'd like to give him the chance to recommit to sobriety before I remove myself from the equation. We talked briefly about it, and when I began to imply that I needed him to commit to recovery in order to continue this, he said, "I know...I need myself to, too."
My question is, what sort of boundaries work in this kind of situation? I understand that the road to recovery is a long one, and it's one I am willing to walk down beside him as I work my own program as well, IF he is still on that path or is willing to backtrack for a second and rejoin me.
I know that I am the only one who can create my boundaries, but I would love to hear a few examples which might work or have worked in a similar situation. I want to make sure I am not controlling him but am still working toward my peace. This is the first time I have ever done the whole boundary thing, and it is not coming as easily as I had hoped. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Eaglette,
You are asking GREAT questions. I struggled with the same sort of things. My Naranon group really helped me to look at boundaries. I really wanted them to be appropriate and it did get dicey trying to figure out what was controlling of him and what were my boundaries. It seemed to boil down to motives. Was I trying to take care of myself or control him.
That meant that all boundaries were in the "I" form....as in....I will only live with an addict that is sober and going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and working a program. Not....you will go to meetings, work with a sponsor, and work a program. The difference is subtle but I think that that explains the difference?
I remember making the statement that I wanted to be reasonable about boundaries. A wise woman told me that I was in an unreasonable situation and that I needed to determine what I needed and nothing else. If what I needed was to paint myself green and purple...then that was what I needed. I just can't make someone else get painted or paint me.
In my group was a woman that chose to live with her husband in active addiction. She did not have a boundary in regards to his using. For me, I had a boundary regarding active addiction. It was a no go. My husband (then boyfriend) knew that if he used even one time that it was OVER. I didn't make that boundary though until I was prepared to enforce it. No ifs, ands, buts. No relapses and then promises to get into recovery. Some people have the boundary of being ok with relapses if their loved one immediately gets back into recovery. See what I mean? Each of us just has to decide what our bottom line is....no one can do it for you. The main thing is to not create a boundary that doesn't have a consequence that you are immediately prepared to follow through on. It definitely helped me to have a sponsor to clarify these things with.
More examples, if you are uncomfortable saying "I will not be in a relationship with someone that is sober and not working a program" you can say something like "I will only consider a relationship with someone that is newly sober after they have a year of sobriety and working a program".
The important thing is to make boundaries with consequences that you will follow through on. While I had a strong boundary about active addiction I did not have strong boundaries around recovery. Initially, I had it spelled out that I would only be with my husband if he was working a strong recovery. I knew that that was the only way that our relationship had even a ghost of a chance. Unfortunately, I had minimal follow through with adhering to the consequences. He would not work a recovery program, thinks would get difficult with us, I'd be ready to adhere to my consequences of leaving, and then he would promise to get into recovery/go to a few meetings/get back up with his sponsor. Things would quiet down and then I'd get lulled into staying. The cycle repeated again and again.
What I should have done is not nagged, pleaded, or reminded. I should have clarified my boundary that I would only be involved with someone working a program that attended meetings weekly without any reminder from me. If he went a month without a meeting then I would no longer be involved with him. Promises to start going again would not be considered. I went through 6 years of H*LL with him....playing that crazy game. All because I was unwilling to create boundaries and consequences that I was willing to adhere to. I wanted the relationship more than I wanted to take care of myself.
Working my own recovery program is what finally allowed me to do what I needed to do for me. Of course, now that I have left and ended our relationship, my husband is promising daily meetings for the rest of his life. I've now severed communication with him but up until then I was at least saying "go for a year and then I'll see". I knew that was going to happen like he was going to turn into a raccoon but at least it quieted him down a bit. It took the focus off of the bargaining process.
Remember....the difference between your needs and being controlling is focusing on yourself and putting "I" in front of every need that you have. You are not telling another person what they have to do - you are letting them know what it takes to be involved with them. Is it wrong to say "I will only be with someone that does not have an addiction, will not cheat on me, is kind/loving/respectful/collaborative with me?" Not at all. That is what we are entitled to have in a relationship. We can chose to stay or leave someone that treats us in particular ways...the focus is on you and not him.
I hope that I haven't been too confusing here. I'm sure that others will be along that can explain it a whole lot better than I have. I'm looking forward to more discussion on this topic. Thanks for posting!
You are asking GREAT questions. I struggled with the same sort of things. My Naranon group really helped me to look at boundaries. I really wanted them to be appropriate and it did get dicey trying to figure out what was controlling of him and what were my boundaries. It seemed to boil down to motives. Was I trying to take care of myself or control him.
That meant that all boundaries were in the "I" form....as in....I will only live with an addict that is sober and going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and working a program. Not....you will go to meetings, work with a sponsor, and work a program. The difference is subtle but I think that that explains the difference?
I remember making the statement that I wanted to be reasonable about boundaries. A wise woman told me that I was in an unreasonable situation and that I needed to determine what I needed and nothing else. If what I needed was to paint myself green and purple...then that was what I needed. I just can't make someone else get painted or paint me.
In my group was a woman that chose to live with her husband in active addiction. She did not have a boundary in regards to his using. For me, I had a boundary regarding active addiction. It was a no go. My husband (then boyfriend) knew that if he used even one time that it was OVER. I didn't make that boundary though until I was prepared to enforce it. No ifs, ands, buts. No relapses and then promises to get into recovery. Some people have the boundary of being ok with relapses if their loved one immediately gets back into recovery. See what I mean? Each of us just has to decide what our bottom line is....no one can do it for you. The main thing is to not create a boundary that doesn't have a consequence that you are immediately prepared to follow through on. It definitely helped me to have a sponsor to clarify these things with.
More examples, if you are uncomfortable saying "I will not be in a relationship with someone that is sober and not working a program" you can say something like "I will only consider a relationship with someone that is newly sober after they have a year of sobriety and working a program".
The important thing is to make boundaries with consequences that you will follow through on. While I had a strong boundary about active addiction I did not have strong boundaries around recovery. Initially, I had it spelled out that I would only be with my husband if he was working a strong recovery. I knew that that was the only way that our relationship had even a ghost of a chance. Unfortunately, I had minimal follow through with adhering to the consequences. He would not work a recovery program, thinks would get difficult with us, I'd be ready to adhere to my consequences of leaving, and then he would promise to get into recovery/go to a few meetings/get back up with his sponsor. Things would quiet down and then I'd get lulled into staying. The cycle repeated again and again.
What I should have done is not nagged, pleaded, or reminded. I should have clarified my boundary that I would only be involved with someone working a program that attended meetings weekly without any reminder from me. If he went a month without a meeting then I would no longer be involved with him. Promises to start going again would not be considered. I went through 6 years of H*LL with him....playing that crazy game. All because I was unwilling to create boundaries and consequences that I was willing to adhere to. I wanted the relationship more than I wanted to take care of myself.
Working my own recovery program is what finally allowed me to do what I needed to do for me. Of course, now that I have left and ended our relationship, my husband is promising daily meetings for the rest of his life. I've now severed communication with him but up until then I was at least saying "go for a year and then I'll see". I knew that was going to happen like he was going to turn into a raccoon but at least it quieted him down a bit. It took the focus off of the bargaining process.
Remember....the difference between your needs and being controlling is focusing on yourself and putting "I" in front of every need that you have. You are not telling another person what they have to do - you are letting them know what it takes to be involved with them. Is it wrong to say "I will only be with someone that does not have an addiction, will not cheat on me, is kind/loving/respectful/collaborative with me?" Not at all. That is what we are entitled to have in a relationship. We can chose to stay or leave someone that treats us in particular ways...the focus is on you and not him.
I hope that I haven't been too confusing here. I'm sure that others will be along that can explain it a whole lot better than I have. I'm looking forward to more discussion on this topic. Thanks for posting!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by eaglette 
I did tell him that when it comes down to it, it is either the drugs or me.
As lightseeker said, I will not be with someone in active addiction is a boundary. It lets go of the outcome.
In order for any boundary to work, it has to be enforced, meaning, in this example, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.
The challenge of " I will not be with someone in active addiction" is that we often become obsessed with trying to determine if they are using and/or with their recovery.
Who needs this baloney?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think on your previous post someone mentioned that he has been drinking and smoking pot right along...if this is so, then he is not in recovery, and, this is not a relapse, this is just a matter of adding another substance to the mix.
Bounderies are indicators of where we start and where we end. We set bounderies in our relationships to protect ourselves. They are statements about what we will or will not tolerate, basically, what we stand for. Thus the "I" statements.
If you are not a 100% sure that you can enforce your boundery then don't make it. It is imperative that you say what you mean, and, mean what you say.
If you google, bounderies for dealing with an addict, it may help you with a starting point.
No matters what happens, keep your recovery in place, you are doing so well, don't let his actions affect you.
Bounderies are indicators of where we start and where we end. We set bounderies in our relationships to protect ourselves. They are statements about what we will or will not tolerate, basically, what we stand for. Thus the "I" statements.
If you are not a 100% sure that you can enforce your boundery then don't make it. It is imperative that you say what you mean, and, mean what you say.
If you google, bounderies for dealing with an addict, it may help you with a starting point.
No matters what happens, keep your recovery in place, you are doing so well, don't let his actions affect you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It's difficult for me to make suggestions if he's drinking and smoking pot.
So what would the boundaries be? "I will tolerate A and B (smoking dope, drinking), but will not be around C (snorting someone else's prescriptions). It's rather confusing and blurred, don't you think? Some drugs are okay, but others aren't? Alcohol is a drug, and the one that kills more people than all other drugs combined. It is a central nervous system depressant.
My own personal policy is no active addiction/alcoholism around me at all, so I can't really relate or help with your situation.
So what would the boundaries be? "I will tolerate A and B (smoking dope, drinking), but will not be around C (snorting someone else's prescriptions). It's rather confusing and blurred, don't you think? Some drugs are okay, but others aren't? Alcohol is a drug, and the one that kills more people than all other drugs combined. It is a central nervous system depressant.
My own personal policy is no active addiction/alcoholism around me at all, so I can't really relate or help with your situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Boundaries are hard to set, but do it. Find the strength and do it. I tried letting in gray areas and nearly lost my mind. But once I set my boundaries, which were all or none, I gained me back. I got lucky with my son, he listened, but my daughter is still fighting it. She's only been home for a couple of days and I am about to turn her out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Hi...just updating since I neglected to before...Unfortunately everyone on here who has known this is an uphill battle was pretty much on point (surprise, I know). ABF went on a major downward slope after this post. Since then, there has been a lot of lying, acting "strange", and blowing me off on his part. I found out that he stole percocets (his DOC) from his sister and then went on a 3 day binge during which he and his cousin snorted a total of 2,500 mg of those new bath salts. The effects lasted for 4 of 5 days. He is still not totally back to himself and fears he may never be. He is shaken and wants to go back to rehab. However, he is putting it off. He already lied to me about having an appointment with his counselors, so I am not holding my breath.
As for me, I still have not been able to establish firm boundaries.
I need to, and I am working on it, but it is harder than I imagined to uphold any consequences. I never realized before how regrettably easily I am influenced.
As for me, I still have not been able to establish firm boundaries.
I need to, and I am working on it, but it is harder than I imagined to uphold any consequences. I never realized before how regrettably easily I am influenced.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
I am waiting to see if he does go back to rehab. He was really shaken after his relapse and came here so he would be away from addictive substances. He is talking about wanting to go for at least 30 days this time and then moving to a new area. I know talking doesn't mean much, but I want to see if he follows through.
I just found a post by cycnicalone which has given me more to think about: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I just found a post by cycnicalone which has given me more to think about: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I do not believe that sitting around and waiting is going to change the outcome. If he wants recovery, he will persue recovery, and must persue it on his own. He is using you as a crutch, and, you are willingly proping him up, once again.
His actions speak for themselves, his words mean nothing.
His actions speak for themselves, his words mean nothing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Thank you all 
I know I deserve joy and a beautiful, healthy life. I don't mind the criticism--I know I need to get serious about this. I am looking into getting a sponsor from nar-anon to help me. I do see myself repeating old patterns, and I really appreciate your bluntness and your thoughts. Tiptoeing around never helped anyone.
I know I deserve joy and a beautiful, healthy life. I don't mind the criticism--I know I need to get serious about this. I am looking into getting a sponsor from nar-anon to help me. I do see myself repeating old patterns, and I really appreciate your bluntness and your thoughts. Tiptoeing around never helped anyone.
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