60andbeyond

Has anyone else out there had an issue with their significant other asking them if they've "started to drink" again? I haven't touched anything in over 90 days and I'm absolutely dead set against it. My boyfriend was out of town and I was on my own - and I'm extremely proud of the fact that I didn't drink at all, nor did I have interest in it. When he returned home he asked if I drank during the week. I felt so hurt and annoyed - it's been over 90 days. I'm a totally different person. I never gave him any reason to think I would drink this week - and we talked on the phone, emailed, etc. He knew I hadn't when we spoke - it's pretty clear if I have or not!

I just feel really insulted and hurt at the question. I had a moment in my dumb brain where it went "well if he thinks I'm going to drink I might as well. who cares. " ....

It's hurtful to me how hard I've been working at this and he would even ask me that question. I know I'm being hyper-sensitive but I really feel like.. HEY! I've stepped up. I wouldn't betray myself or his trust .... why would he even ask me if I drank? Why would he think my resolve had gone away? I mean.. I've been working SO incredibly hard at this every single day and I am so proud of myself for it. I don't feel like he is. It just hurts he would doubt me I guess and doesn't feel how hard I've been working and how determined I am to not drink.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Anna

My advice is to put the focus back on you and your hard work.

It takes time and a lot of patience for those around us to begin to see that we are changing. Just keep on working on your recovery and he will start to see the changes in you.

Pachystima

My mother was an alcoholic; I probably inherited it from her. She lived with me and my family for a while during my first thirty-year sober stint. She denied she had a drinking problem yet she had bottles of cheap vodka stashed all over the house; she didn't want to run out. She would periodically claim to have quit drinking when, in fact, she hadn't. After a while, nobody in my family believed her. If she had actually quit, it would have taken her quite a while to regain our trust: there was too much historical baggage to deal with.

In the same vein, my wife had some trust issues when I first quit drinking over thirty years ago. In retrospect, I can't blame her.

Just focus on your battle. Quit drinking and stay quit. The trust of others will come in time. Sure it hurts when your loved ones don't trust you but consider this: you probably earned that lack of trust before you quit.

Zebra1275

why would he even ask me if I drank?

Probably because many times you did.

It takes a long time for others to learn to trust us. And they get to set the schedule as to how long that takes, not you. And it's possible that they will never trust you again, you can't control that.

FT

Hi 60 -

I quit opiates 6 months ago. My husband no longer trusts me around drugs. He shouldn't and I am GLAD he doesn't.

I know I have to regain his trust, and that can only be done over time.

90 days is fantastic, and I congratulate you on that!

But, in reality -- 90 days is not very long, especially if you drank a long time. You really aren't a "completely different person" yet. I don't blame you for being defensive, because to you it is SO obvious you aren't drinking. Most of us who have been drinkers or drug abusers got very good at hiding our "altered state" from others. When I used to drink (quit >20 years ago), I had peppermint gum, "breath pills" and other stuff lying around to hide my drinking from others.

Maybe you never did any of that stuff. But a lot of us did.

It took me about 3 years after quitting drinking before I felt like a "non-drinker". Before that, I had to convince myself at least occasionally that it wasn't a good idea to drink anymore.

Keep up the good work, and be happy if you can that someone cares about your not drinking.

FT

ETA

I can see why that would bother you. One the flip side I'm sure your boyfriend didn't mean anything terrrible. He has his own fears and worries and may have had a moment of panic - rational or not.

I vote you tell him just what you told us. Pick a time when you maybe aren't feeling over sensitive and have some time to talk. It probably would feel better to tell him how you feel and, in response, he might say some things you don't want to hear but it also might be good for him to tell you how he feels.

I'm not ready to have any such talk with my boyfriend. For 3 years he put up with a lot of mess and I feel a bit too fragile to hear any more truth than I already know.

1undone

I know what you are feeling as I am in the same situation as you. What the others have typed here is true though. It takes time to regain trust and that is just the way it is. I agree that you should keep the focus on you, when he asks you those types of questions I believe he's looking for reassurance - look at it that way. I don't know that he necessarily thinks you're drinking. I mean they know when you drink regardless of if they are here or on the phone.

My husband travels all the time so I'm sure I will have to reassure him a lot - that just goes with the territory. I already have had to but I can tell he's being careful as to how he's approaching me. LOL

Anyway, if you need to talk PM me. Mine will be traveling this week and the next.

Latte

When DH accuses me of something I look long and hard at my actions. I may not be drinking or using but my behavior has somehow set him off. I cannot change him, only myself.

Keep concentrating on what you can control (you) and do the next right thing. Trust is earned and it is going to take whatever it takes.

Boleo

All expectations are seeds for resentment. Detach from the outcome.

Terminally Unique

I still get these questions "did you have a relapse?"

Can't really blame them, but best thing is to calmly say "no" and forget about it.