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When will I "get" it?

Old 07-02-2011, 09:44 PM
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When will I "get" it?

When will this decision to quit drinking become my lifestyle? When it gets difficult; the cravings begin, the thought's of wine-bliss begin, I just give in. I don't want to say no. It seems like too much work. In the end, I'm always sorry I said yes the to the addict voice.

I know many of you can relate to the internal battle. At what point does this actually stick? In my journal I have written on several days, that TODAY was a new day for me. No more wine. I talk about what I will do when faced with thoughts or temptations to drink, but I just don't seem to care in the end. I end up drinking wine and feeling lousy for it the next day.

How many last days does one have to have before they give up the drink for good?
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Old 07-02-2011, 10:20 PM
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Hi Sarah, I can really relate to your post. For me the journey from a realisation that I need to quit drinking as I am an alcoholic to actually quitting drinking (for precisely the same reason you have stated) took around a year and a half. Now not everyone is as stubborn as me and I felt really bad about that wishing it had not taken so long as my life became seriously erroded as a result. HOwever, that was my journey and I personally needed to go through it in order to gain sobriety. I have nearly 40 days now. I will say Sarah and I hope this is the same for you, when I did finally say ENOUGH it was easy. I was lucky, I know, I didn't suffer anxiety or anything else, like a lot of people seem to. Obviously during the course of this sober time I have had thoughts of wine but so far I have been able to make the choice not to. And just as everyone on this site seems to say sobriety is so much better than drinking. Life, just doing all the same old things, are so much better.
I don't believe one can give up alcohol until they are truly ready, some people say the hitting rock bottom. For me though it was more like a flicking of a switch -- one that enabled me to then say no more. Once that happens things just seem to fall into place.
There really is a great new life ahead. Well it isn't new, it is the old life but you will get to savour it, feel it and remember it. Sure things **** me off, but I can cope with them.
The other thing is, you do need support. There are so many forms out there whether they are formal or informal. I went through very formal which although I learned a lot from was not sustainable for me because of my somewhat, er, difficult personality but now have sort of made up my own programme which I am very comfortable with. My advice is to just test the waters, meet some people, get out there into the sober community and educate yourself (even if you are not quite ready to give up the wine just yet). Hope I have been helpful, sometimes I can go on a bit... I wish you well Sarah! Oh and keep posting here, this place is great.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:11 PM
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I found doing a very detailed pros and cons list of drinking. That helped sort it out in my mind. Getting started was hard. Many false starts, drinking but all the while getting sick of it all. I also started thinking about 'surrender' rather than fighting alcohol early on and training myself to practice gratitude has been an enormous help.
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:25 PM
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For me I "got it" when I finally realized that I will never be able to control my drinking.

When you said "I don't want to say no. It seems like too much work." it reminded me of the something I read the first time I came to this site - it was in a post about "controlling drinking" and one person said:
It's just easier not to drink than to have to stress and work hard at the ultimately futile effort of controlling it. That's just too much work for something that's just not worth it to me.
And boom - a light went on! All these years I have been trying to moderate/control/limit and had so many failures. Of course quitting seemed like it would be harder than that! The concept of it being easier to say no seemed impossible but it really is!

There are lots of people saying similar things all over this board...

Staying sober is easier than moderation, easier than feeling anxious or hungover, easier than going to court for a DUI...

Not sure if trying to control your drinking is something that's bothering you but this is the thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
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Old 07-02-2011, 11:59 PM
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Wow Sarah, that's a great question and it appears you've gotten some really good responses.

I think this is exactly why one of the recommendations if you do AA is to do 90 meetings in 90 days (with at least one meeting each day).

When I spoke like you posted above to my sponsor in the early days he would say 'it sounds like mr. thirsty is having a party in your head'

It was so true, my thoughts were being tugged by the compulsion that drinking would be easier than quitting.
Since I couldn't quit on my own like some here on SR have, I inundated myself with meetings - 2, 3, 4 a day. Whatever it took. And I asked my sponsor to sponsor me my 1st day and I didn't hesitate to start working the steps because I wanted the obsession removed.

I know that the people here on SR have recovered in various ways, but to me I can't imagine anybody just setting the bottle down (not an alcoholic like me) and saying "I'm done. No more for me!". That must be followed by taking action and more action. A change is needed, as they say- it's an inside job.

When I first came into sobriety this time around it was made clear to me that- the old me obviously drank (excessively). the current me will one day drink again. hence i needed to discover a new me if i wanted to leave alcohol alone once and for all. I know it's a contradictory statement but, I'm most certainly still Swansong but not the Swansong that came to SR or AA 8+ months ago...if that makes any sense.

I can't think my way into acting right, but I can act my way into right thinking.
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Old 07-03-2011, 12:52 AM
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ETA, thank you so much for posting that link to the thread discussing 'can I control my drinking'. It's been a really great read (although you caused me to stay up past my bed time! j/k).

Sarah- I highly encourage you to read the entire link and I thank all those that posted in that thread. Even 8+ months away from my last drink it never hurts to re-familiarize oneself with the insidious nature of this disease or to see (err read) that my past experiences with alcohol are invariably the same as anyone else who is addicted to the substance. I know I've never heard anybody tell me about how they were once an alcoholic but can now can drink normally, I've never even heard of such a person. I have however heard tales of big foot, and I don't even think it exists.

As disappointing as it may seem to someone new to recovery that if they go back to the bottle it is never, ever going to change and that things will only get worse....it must also be soothing to see so many of us from so many parts of the world using a variety of recovery methods all accomplishing the seemingly impossible - arresting our alcoholism and learning to love life without being bothered by the drink problem anymore.
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Old 07-03-2011, 01:20 AM
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I had to fool myself. Tried different things to quit, a list of different things..from "weaning" to telling my boyfriend we had to have sex every time I craved alcohol (he thought that idea was great) to drinking 20 ounces of water between every drink. All kinds of things...none worked. One day nothing changed, but something did- I don't know what but I didn't buy my fifth of vodka on the way home from work one day. I didn't say anything to my boyfriend- just went about my business as if everything was fine. He didn't say anything either. It was like we were both holding our breath to see if it was gonna be true. I pretended alcohol had no business in my life...and my pretending is becoming reality. It's been 7 months. Now I feel I can start working on myself.
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:13 AM
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It "clicked" for me when: I stopped fighting. I stopped trying to not drink. I made a decision and a commitment to go through with the process of working all of AA's twelve steps. I asked for help, guidance, direction. I followed directions exactly as given -- whether I wanted to, whether I liked doing what was being asked of me, whether I thought these things would work, whether it made sense of me. No argument. No debate. No objections. No challenge. I completely gave myself to the work and submitted myself to the process (i.e., thoroughly followed, searching and fearless, with rigorous honesty, let go absolutely, completely abandon, you get the idea). I took the actions others have taken for success. At some point I was no longer working the steps but instead the steps were working me. This thing works -- it really does. Susan
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:54 AM
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When I accepted that drinking was no longer an option, my mind began to work in different ways, healthy ways to deal with life ups and downs.
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Old 07-03-2011, 04:58 AM
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I was a chronic relapser for nearly two years. I'd get a little sober time - days, weeks, months - and then blow it. It was when I finally got sick and tired of always being sick and tired that I finally 'got it'. Don't give up. Keep trying until you get it or die, cause one or the other will eventually happen. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me.
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Old 07-03-2011, 05:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
When I accepted that drinking was no longer an option, my mind began to work in different ways, healthy ways to deal with life ups and downs.
Same here. I had to accept that I would never, NEVER be able to drink 'moderately' and enjoy it (sometimes I could drink moderately but never without wishing I was pounding drinks).

At the same time I had to realize how happy I would be living sober. That was news to me. I thought sober life would be boring. That was a big obstacle to climb.

Until I knew that sober life would be more enjoyable than drinking life, I stayed drunk.
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Old 07-03-2011, 05:43 AM
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I can relate to your post. I found that cravings faded when I got completely convinced that I didn't want to drink (inner convicition, with all my soul). I was a chronic relapser for more than five years. I am now 80 days sober, without cravings.
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Old 07-03-2011, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by sarah1414 View Post
When will this decision to quit drinking become my lifestyle?
How about never, possibly. One of the biggest delusions out there is that I can get sober just because I want to. Recovery is so mainstream, AA meeting on every corner, 3 brands of recovery reality TV, that people think it's a no brainer.

The reality is, most real deal alkies never recover. I've watched thousands play that game of a little better, for a little while, ending in worse relapse and another trip to jail, treatment, AA, whatever.

Is it possible that you might not get better just by wishing for it?
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by SwanSong View Post
ETA, thank you so much for posting that link to the thread discussing 'can I control my drinking'. It's been a really great read (although you caused me to stay up past my bed time! j/k).
Glad you got something out of it! I have bookmarked it so I can go back when needed.

Originally Posted by keithj View Post
How about never, possibly. One of the biggest delusions out there is that I can get sober just because I want to.... Is it possible that you might not get better just by wishing for it?
Yeah - I had a light turn on and it was a serious turning point. The point where "I got it." But it's the decision that is set - not the lifestyle - yet.

I'm only a bit over a week into sobriety and it's challenging. I'm determined, I get it, I HAVE TO QUITE... I'm still working on the lifestyle part.

My boyfriend says something like "since when is anything worth doing easy?"

.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:25 AM
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Well, for me I decided to check out an AA meeting because I was tired of the dialogue in my head about not drinking after a night of drinking yet again and feeling like shiz the next day. When I went to AA i was surrounded by a group of very "normal" looking people who focused on me - the newbie - and told me their stories. When I realized my story was their story and vice versa I thought, I need to be around these people! They get me and they aren't drinking.

I went to other meetings in different locations but they weren't as good as my dear old Friday group as they were my peers. I have a sponsor through that group and I am at day 51. I needed the peer understanding, that was the piece that was missing for me. I've started to make some great sober friends and I am really relieved, yes relieved...

I still obsess but my new found peeps are there to pick me up. Oh and SR is there in a pinch too! Between this place and my Friday peeps I'm doing well. Just need to figure out the intense depression from time to time that I fall into... But that's another topic...
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:41 AM
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I had to lose everything before I was willing to change. Not too many ways to go from rock bottom.
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Old 07-03-2011, 07:50 AM
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When I began working the AA steps...I shifted from shakey sobriety into solid recovery....

I know this is true for many alcoholics ..I've watched them find the same solution.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by sarah1414 View Post
How many last days does one have to have before they give up the drink for good?
Days may never do the trick if you have the ISM of alcoholISM. The miracle happens as result of action.
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Old 07-03-2011, 08:50 AM
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"Last" days

Originally Posted by sarah1414 View Post
When will this decision to quit drinking become my lifestyle? When it gets difficult; the cravings begin, the thought's of wine-bliss begin, I just give in. I don't want to say no. It seems like too much work. In the end, I'm always sorry I said yes the to the addict voice.

I know many of you can relate to the internal battle. At what point does this actually stick? In my journal I have written on several days, that TODAY was a new day for me. No more wine. I talk about what I will do when faced with thoughts or temptations to drink, but I just don't seem to care in the end. I end up drinking wine and feeling lousy for it the next day.

How many last days does one have to have before they give up the drink for good?
Hi Sarah,

I had about 15 years -- yes years -- of "last" days before I finally quit drinking over 20 years ago. All the "last" days did for me was increase my drinking when I would "celebrate" not drinking for a few days or weeks, thinking I could "celebrate" a few times a month and be a moderate or social drinker.

I finally got tired of having to plan every single thing I did around when and how I could drink. My husband and I used to drink wine in coffee cups in the car, thinking that would "fool" the cops. Yes, that was me.

When I realized how chained I was to alcohol, I finally just quit one day, while I still had a bottle of cold duck in the fridge (my favorite). I've told this story before. I do NOT recommend doing this probably for most people. But I kept that bottle of cold duck in the fridge for a LONG time, I think probably a year, and every day when I wanted to drink I would look at it and ask myself if I REALLY wanted it. Then, I would distract myself by eating (I often drank on an empty stomach), exercising, or doing anything else I could think of, telling myself I could go back and have it later on if I really wanted it.

I never opened the bottle of cold duck, and I don't know where it went when it finally disappeared. I figure my husband must have thrown it out (he didn't like CD).

Long story short -- it took me probably 3 years to where I didn't think about drinking every day. What did it for me was just deciding I was a non-drinker, and to do everything other non-drinkers do. Which you find out as a non-drinker is pretty much everything and more than I used to do. Just no wine drinking in the car. My husband had to quit his favorite "hobby" of pool playing with his beer buddies, because he couldn't hack doing that without the beer. He was a good pool player, too. But he made his choices, and he hasn't had another drink either.

Good luck. Decide you are a non-drinker, and it will be easier. You will find out there are LOTS of non-drinkers everywhere, in every social setting, even drinking parties. NO one cares except you, believe me, if you ask for sparkling water or pop.
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Old 07-03-2011, 11:43 AM
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Thank you for all of your responses. This has been a busy day so later, I'm going to sit with your posts and really read your advice/input. I will respond more later.

Thank you SR friends.
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