RML1480

My boyfriend is a recovering addict and he recently got his six month chip. We have been dating for about 3 months, but things started to get very stressful in both of our lives recently and we started to become very co-dependent on one another. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend (who before was very close with his sponsor) told me "I can tell you anything, and you always help me feel better, I feel like I don't even need my sponsor anymore because I have you". At the time I was touched, because throughout our relationship we have continuously worked on being 100% open and honest with one another and I was so happy that he really was doing that. The more I thought about it though, the more frightened I became. I have a lot going on in my own personal life, but if I cant take care of him, I start to feel guilty. When I expressed this to him he was quite hurt, and became even more stressed out. Last week after numerous fights we decided to take a break from our relationship so that he could really get back to focusing on himself and his sobriety because he had been having so many cravings lately it was starting to overwhelm him. We both still love each other, and have all of our feelings, we just cant be together right now without being miserable. I'm suppose I'm just wondering how much distance I need to give him, or if I should even still remain in his life at all? I am so in love with him, and one day I want us to be together again, hopefully for the rest of our lives. For us to attain that, does that mean that at this point in time I need to completely remove myself from him, so that he can start doing this on his own again? Please, I need some advice!! I really just want what is best for him, and what will help keep him sober.

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad you have found us, but sorry you had to.

Now to your post.

WARNING WILL ROBINSON WARNING.

1) It is usually recommended that there be no MAJOR CHANGES in one's first year of recovery, and that includes getting into or our of a relationship.

2) He is already pulling away from his 'sponsor.' That tells me he is not ready to work the program of recovery.

3) This is out and out MANIPULATION.

How do I know this, I have been in recovery from alcoholism and drug abuse continuously for over 30 years. Those early years, especially the first year were an awful lot of HARD WORK on me.

I have also been in continuously recovery for over 27 years with the help of Alanon.

4) He has no clue what or whom he loves other than his Alcohol or DOC at this point. He has used the relationship to avoid getting into 'serious' recovery. You may feel you love him, I have no doubt of that, but you really do NOT know who he is YET.

If you are serious about this man, it might be time for you to step back and watch his ACTIONS, not listen to his words, and attend some Alanon meetings for yourself to see what you are all about and work a bit on you to see what drew you to an A.

Obviously you are 'sensing' some things as you seem extremely uncomfortable based on what you have said in your first post.

I am not saying 'break it off', I am not saying stay together, I am saying it might be good idea to give both yourself and him some space.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing a we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Welcome,

I cannot add much to what Laurie has said, except that if this relationship is mean't to be it will happen, whether it is a year or two from now. He needs to focus on his recovery, it is way too soon for him to be involved in a relationship.

Have you read others posts? I believe that it would help you make your decision.

Take care,