First time posting....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
First time posting....
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site and thought I'd share my story. I want to thank all of you for sharing your posts. I fed off all of your courage and strength and set some boundaries with my fiance! A huge step for me and my sanity.
First, I grew up with an alcoholic father. There are few memories I have of him sober. He was verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. After many attempts to salvage some sort of relationship with him I realized I would never have what I wanted. It was always him manipulating the situation to get what HE needed, regardless of my feelings. After years of therapy I set some firm boundaries. I wrote him a letter and explained that I could no longer be a part of his life. I made it clear that it wasn't to punish him, but to save myself, as I was declining emotionally. That was such a hard decision, but next year it will have been 4 years since I spoke to him, and I still feel it was the best decision I ever made.
Moving forwards, my fiance is an alcoholic. I'm not really sure how this happened, as I vowed I would never end up with an alcoholic after growing up with one. He's been to rehab once. His sobriety lasted 9 months. I read everyone elses posts and I feel like I'm reading my story. When he's sober he is amazing, caring, loving, attentive, and a fun person. When he's drinking he's a monster who stumbles around, accuses me of losing his stuff, and is miserable to be around. Last weekend it got really bad...
When I got up Saturday morning at 9am he was drunk. This lasted all weekend until Sunday night, when he knew he had to get sober due to his DUI class on Monday night. I spent the weekend upset and crying. That is when I found this website and spent HOURS reading everyones story. Your stories were my stories. I realized I couldn't live like this anymore.
Your strength gave me strength. While he was drunk I ignored him, walked away from potential fights, and retreated to my room. Monday morning when he was sober I explained the new boundaries. There was to be no alcohol on our property and if he had been drinking he wasn't allowed in our home. I told him if he wants to get drunk, get a hotel room and don't come here. I was dead serious.
That was 6 days ago. Six long days of him "wanting to be sober for himself". I am cautiously optimistic. I know the cycle and I fear the relapse.
I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing and giving me the strength to set some boundaries and start getting help for me!! I know this may not seem like much, but to me it is. I'm no where near ready to leave him, but because of my Dad, I know that when my heart knows I will go. Until then I will continue to be as strong as I can be, and try to live for myself. And yes, I plan to try al-anon meetings
I'm new to this site and thought I'd share my story. I want to thank all of you for sharing your posts. I fed off all of your courage and strength and set some boundaries with my fiance! A huge step for me and my sanity.
First, I grew up with an alcoholic father. There are few memories I have of him sober. He was verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. After many attempts to salvage some sort of relationship with him I realized I would never have what I wanted. It was always him manipulating the situation to get what HE needed, regardless of my feelings. After years of therapy I set some firm boundaries. I wrote him a letter and explained that I could no longer be a part of his life. I made it clear that it wasn't to punish him, but to save myself, as I was declining emotionally. That was such a hard decision, but next year it will have been 4 years since I spoke to him, and I still feel it was the best decision I ever made.
Moving forwards, my fiance is an alcoholic. I'm not really sure how this happened, as I vowed I would never end up with an alcoholic after growing up with one. He's been to rehab once. His sobriety lasted 9 months. I read everyone elses posts and I feel like I'm reading my story. When he's sober he is amazing, caring, loving, attentive, and a fun person. When he's drinking he's a monster who stumbles around, accuses me of losing his stuff, and is miserable to be around. Last weekend it got really bad...
When I got up Saturday morning at 9am he was drunk. This lasted all weekend until Sunday night, when he knew he had to get sober due to his DUI class on Monday night. I spent the weekend upset and crying. That is when I found this website and spent HOURS reading everyones story. Your stories were my stories. I realized I couldn't live like this anymore.
Your strength gave me strength. While he was drunk I ignored him, walked away from potential fights, and retreated to my room. Monday morning when he was sober I explained the new boundaries. There was to be no alcohol on our property and if he had been drinking he wasn't allowed in our home. I told him if he wants to get drunk, get a hotel room and don't come here. I was dead serious.
That was 6 days ago. Six long days of him "wanting to be sober for himself". I am cautiously optimistic. I know the cycle and I fear the relapse.
I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing and giving me the strength to set some boundaries and start getting help for me!! I know this may not seem like much, but to me it is. I'm no where near ready to leave him, but because of my Dad, I know that when my heart knows I will go. Until then I will continue to be as strong as I can be, and try to live for myself. And yes, I plan to try al-anon meetings
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad you're here.
I hope you can stick with that boundary. There is nothing worse than announcing something like that and then not following through when it happens.
What will you do if he refuses to leave? If you are both on the lease or deed, you won't be able to force him out. Just something to think about.
I strongly suggest that you start attending some Al-Anon meetings. With you family history and your present situation, I think you will find it a lifeline. I know I did.
I hope you can stick with that boundary. There is nothing worse than announcing something like that and then not following through when it happens.
What will you do if he refuses to leave? If you are both on the lease or deed, you won't be able to force him out. Just something to think about.
I strongly suggest that you start attending some Al-Anon meetings. With you family history and your present situation, I think you will find it a lifeline. I know I did.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome to our world, one of stress and heartache. I am glad to meet you, however, I am sorry for the circumstance.
Sounds like he is white knuckling it, I have heard that it does work for some, although, most need a strong recovery program. His disease will affect him for the rest of his life, it is a day by day choice, to drink or not to drink. That's it.
Have you considered going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? I would suggest both.
Pay attention to his actions, his words mean nothing.
Keep posting, it will help!
Sounds like he is white knuckling it, I have heard that it does work for some, although, most need a strong recovery program. His disease will affect him for the rest of his life, it is a day by day choice, to drink or not to drink. That's it.
Have you considered going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? I would suggest both.
Pay attention to his actions, his words mean nothing.
Keep posting, it will help!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome Just4me! Another Cali girl! Just responded to someone else who too is from CA (like me).
Yes, get to some Al-anon meetings. They are very helpful and the wisdom in those rooms is outstanding! I'm not sure if you set a wedding date yet, but I would seriously think about putting it on hold at this point. Taking on a life with an Alcoholic is a huge step and something I would recommend thinking about before taking the plunge. If I knew what it was like before I got married I think I would have determined I wanted very different. The whole unknown of the disease is scary in my opinion.
There is a great thread (which you may have read) "I really need advice...my fiance is a high functioning alcoholic" which I think you may find very helpful.
Yes, get to some Al-anon meetings. They are very helpful and the wisdom in those rooms is outstanding! I'm not sure if you set a wedding date yet, but I would seriously think about putting it on hold at this point. Taking on a life with an Alcoholic is a huge step and something I would recommend thinking about before taking the plunge. If I knew what it was like before I got married I think I would have determined I wanted very different. The whole unknown of the disease is scary in my opinion.
There is a great thread (which you may have read) "I really need advice...my fiance is a high functioning alcoholic" which I think you may find very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
Thanks for the welcome!!
@LexieCat: I have never set boundaries before and I think he knows I'm serious this time. If he doesn't leave, I will. If he can't respect my boundaries, then I think that will push me to move out. At least I hope so...
@dollydo: He's done a 2mo rehab program in the past, so we both know what it's about. This is the first time he's "quit" for himself. He's tried to guilt me a few times by saing, "well thanks, that makes me want to say sober". My reponse to that is, "the sobriety is your choice and not my responsibility". He does take meds for depression/anxiety, so that is helping with some of the symptoms.
All I can do is try to support/encourage him. HIS sobriety is HIS choice and this weekend I realized that I have no control over it. All I can do is control my life and how I react to him. The hardest part for me is realizing that I may have to leave someone I love to save myself. (why is putting yourself first so hard to do!!)
I'm working up the courage to read co-dependent no more....last time i tried a few years ago it caused me so much anxiety I had to stop. It was a trigger more than antyhing. However, I'm thinking of picking it up and trying again...
Also, planning an al-anon meeting on a day when I can get off work early enough to go
Thanks everyone!
@LexieCat: I have never set boundaries before and I think he knows I'm serious this time. If he doesn't leave, I will. If he can't respect my boundaries, then I think that will push me to move out. At least I hope so...
@dollydo: He's done a 2mo rehab program in the past, so we both know what it's about. This is the first time he's "quit" for himself. He's tried to guilt me a few times by saing, "well thanks, that makes me want to say sober". My reponse to that is, "the sobriety is your choice and not my responsibility". He does take meds for depression/anxiety, so that is helping with some of the symptoms.
All I can do is try to support/encourage him. HIS sobriety is HIS choice and this weekend I realized that I have no control over it. All I can do is control my life and how I react to him. The hardest part for me is realizing that I may have to leave someone I love to save myself. (why is putting yourself first so hard to do!!)
I'm working up the courage to read co-dependent no more....last time i tried a few years ago it caused me so much anxiety I had to stop. It was a trigger more than antyhing. However, I'm thinking of picking it up and trying again...
Also, planning an al-anon meeting on a day when I can get off work early enough to go
Thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When we talk to an active alcoholic we're talking to the bottle. I'm sure you know that there is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop drinking. Hope you get the support you need here and at Al-anon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, just4me! Lots of good information and suggestions given to you already i this thread. Something I'd like to suggest is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
I'm glad you found us here, and I hope you continue to post!
I'm glad you found us here, and I hope you continue to post!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Welcome Just4me!
Glad you were able to find this place! Take some time and read around as much as you can (although it seems like you've already read quite a bit!). There is really a wealth of experience and strength in this place and so much to learn from. Keep posting! And also, try Al-Anon! Like here, the people there will have similar stories to your own.
Glad you were able to find this place! Take some time and read around as much as you can (although it seems like you've already read quite a bit!). There is really a wealth of experience and strength in this place and so much to learn from. Keep posting! And also, try Al-Anon! Like here, the people there will have similar stories to your own.
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