Anikoo

I'm so glad I found this group and glad so many people are on it to offer support. I hope one day, eventually, I can be one of the sobers. I'm almost at the end of my 5th day sober after a solid 6 day bender that almost cost me my job, my car, and months worth of income.

I hope it's okay if I relate some of my story here. If it should go somewhere else, please let me know and I'll fix it.

I've gone to some meetings before, but didn't really have a good experience or feel welcomed. It was nice to see such a large and diverse group of people meeting in downtown Denver, but that meant I was just a face in the crowd. I would keep my hoodie up and not have the courage to raise my hand. One time a friend, who's now a year and a half sober, came with me and I was too embarassed to share in front of her. At that time, about a year ago, I felt like I absolutely needed alcohol to deal with depression (amplified by alcohol) and bad circumstances in my life (caused/amplified by alcohol). But she was pressuring me to give it up cold turkey and the idea scared me so much that I quit going. I believed I could learn to moderate and drink like a normal person. I'd quit for a day or three, and then be right back at it. I didn't have a lot of friends, and the social life that I did have revolved around drinking 100%.

Since it got really bad for me, about January of last year, I've had three car accidents, wasted hundreds on cab rides home (not wasted since I didn't drive, but, you know), gone on several 4-7 day benders of near constant drunkenness, been drunk and drinking at work, almost lost my job at least 4 times... and just been a wreck.

Now, I'm 5 days sober. It's not been as hard as I expected, but also not as easy. I like to think I have will power to just do it, but I don't. I have so many good reasons for not drinking that I remind myself of as often as necessary. I've printed out pictures of my loved ones and put them all over my house and office. I've written out reasons not to drink, reasons why I did drink, triggers to drink, and strategies to help me not to: I work, a lot. I stay at work until the liquor stores close. If I really want to drink, I eat a big meal, because, being cheap, I see drinking on a full stomach as a waste of money. That's hard to admit and seems sad, but it's worked for me so far.

Only the first night sober was truly terrible. I slept maybe forty minutes across 8 hours of shaking and soaked my bed through with sweat. I don't want to do that again. When drinking, I was hardly ever hungover. I figure now that I'm at least partially cleaned out, if I were to touch alcohol I'd have a horrible hangover. With my job on the line, I can't afford that.

Thanks for reading. I feel really positive about this process right now and want to remember it for when the hard and defeating times come soon. I'm glad to have found a place where I can truly be honest about my alcoholism.

-Chris

SwanSong

Hi Anikoo and thanks for sharing your story.

I hope you find a recovery program that will work for you.

I quoted part of your story above and I just wanted to ask you, because it sounds like you are at the jumping off point, whether you can get back in touch with this friend and provide yourself with some in-person support as well if you feel you need it?

I only ask because, like you I've quit many times before and without a recovery program I could only scrap up a few days or when really pushing it a handful of months. Personally I love this site, but I *need* human interaction to help me in my recovery as well. For me that is AA. Even if it's not AA, as there are other programs, I strongly encourage you to look into something.

You said you wanted to remember how you are feeling positive right now for when those hard or defeating times come. For me, I've gone back out more times because things "got better" - I stayed sober long enough to clean the mess at my job up, get my finances back in order, make my family and friends happy and then .... back to the life I once knew, under the lash of alcoholism- each time seemingly being ripped apart even worse than the last.

So for me, it's of equal or greater importance that I surround myself with people who have the same primary goal- learning how to live sober 'and' be so enthusiastic about this new lifestyle that the old one no longer has that shimmering illusion of somehow being romantically "more exciting and fun". That's what AA has provided me with (those people). And that's what the 'personality change' that is brought about via the spiritual experience has produced in me and them- the perspective that this life is far more exciting, beautiful and engaging then the old one could have every dreamed of being. At least, for an alcoholic like me that is.

nandm

Welcome to SR

SwanSong

Oh, and congrats on 5 days! That's awesome! Wishing you the best, and again welcome to the family!

Anikoo

I can, and I'm hoping I have the courage to do so soon. She's a coworker so I see her 4/7 days a week. She's seen me at a real low. I invited over to my house to bake together and got so drunk before hand that I fell down the steps in front of my house when I went out to greet her and then passed out, leaving her alone in my house. Ugh. Since then I've been pretty avoidant, out of shame. I hope I'm right in thinking she has a generous heart to take me back in. I don't think I'd want to go to meetings with her again, but at least we could do sober activities together.

Me too, on human interaction. So far I have only my brother (thank goodness) and a friend in another state to talk to, and while they're both extremely supportive, neither of them are sober. I don't know if AA is the program for me, but I will go to at least one more meeting. Seems like an appropriate Independence Day activity, right?

I so, so completely take your point here, and thank you for making it. It's on my mind. Do you have good suggestions for deflating that mindset? For me, I know I'm addicted and that once I start again it will go back to the way it was, only worse. I know that in my brain, at least, and from some experiences of laying off before really piling it back up on. That's why I'm trying to stack up positive feelings at the get go, and also to start chronicling some of the really bad depths, and writing out how much worse the next "worst" has the potential to be.

Finally, thank you so much for writing back.

-Chris

SwanSong

I think it's very likely she'll take you back as a friend if you show her that you are sincere about getting sober and staying sober. Sometimes in sobriety we get protective of ourselves (which is fine, you should always protect your sobriety) but with over a year sober I'd say the chances are high she'll accept you back into her life if you are sincere about making the lifestyle change.

Regarding how to deflate this mindset, I can only speak from what I know has worked for me based on my experience and that is a recovery program that is a heavy combination of AA and SR. I don't believe, for me, SR alone (as wonderful as this site is) would have been sufficient to help shatter the illusion that I could one day drink again like a normal person and helped me have such a profound psychic or personality change such that I am now able to view life sober as so much more beautiful and rewarding than my old life was. I needed an in-person recovery side to my program to bring those about and AA has worked wonderfully in those respects.

Just so you know, I did AA once before back in 2008 and when I relapsed I tried to go back and my ego was too big and too fragile and so my attempts to get back into AA and recovery failed. I thought at the time I would never be in AA again in my life. Oddly enough, when I was ready this time I was willing to walk through whatever 'torture' I needed to in order to get sober. But when I walked into my first meeting instead of hearing how relapse is part of the disease (which it probably is, but I didn't need to hear that on that day) the speaker spoke about how many times he relapsed before putting together his 4 now almost 5 years. I asked him that night to sponsor me. Friday several men much older than me made me feel like everything would somehow be alright if I would just learn how to stay sober - I made that my homegroup.

So where I was expecting "torture" I found love, and where I expected to face failure again I have found hope.

SR, on the other hand, has been enormously beneficial as I live alone with just my dog. And I'm on the computer 'alot'. The last time I researched alcoholism so much, i discovered that there are plenty of shrinks who believe they can rehabilitate us such that we can drink again by knowing what are triggers are or by 'remedying' the 'root conditions' that cause us to drink excessively. I followed that logic up by trips to the library and amazon etc. - all the way back to my first drink.

So this site provides a lot of online support, wonderful insights, and instead of reading from PHD's who clearly don't suffer from alcoholism about how 'we can beat this and return to drinking' I come here and read and re-read from many different people with a huge variety of experiences how no, we can't ever drink again. Not if we intend to live happily. For many of us, it's as simple as 'not if we intend to live' period.

I hope that helps. And I hope you give AA or SMART or Ration Recovery a shot. The thing about AA is that, not only do I know the recovery program works (I live the proof now at 8+ months sober, and having had a personality change) but in contrast to SMART or RR there is way, way way more meetings where I live and in the beginning that too was crucial - I needed 2-3 meetings a day until I got a hold on how life would be without any booze or drugs to alter it.

On day 1 I wasn't sure I would make it 30 days, now I can't even think about going back - but I also realize I can't stop evolving in my recovery either or that notion will come back.

Keep posting!

SwanSong

Btw- why don't you think you want to go to meetings with your friend again?

Pride?

If the decision is my pride or my life, and I believe drinking is going to ruin/destroy my life then I think pride may need to get kicked under the bus.....or is it something else?

Anikoo

That's something to ponder. At first blush I think it's shame, not pride, that keeps me from wanting to back with LO. I have a lot to learn about being honest about my alcoholism, and it's scary, and it just seems easier to do without a friend at the meeting being there to hear me air my dirty laundry. If I need a "buddy" to go with just so I get there, I could ask her, but I can also ask my brother, who's offered to attend with me.

There's also the fact that she and I are coworkers in a difficult work environment. My dissatisfaction/disillusionment with my job was a big "trigger" in my starting to drink so heavily. I know, I know, lots of people have tough job situations and circumstances far, far worse by several orders of magnitude, but, long story short: I was one of those idealistic college kids that took a non-profit job to "change the world". I work long hours for very low salary, and after almost 5 years at the same organization, find others, her included (with only 1.5 years on the job), being promoted above me and getting raises from a previous staffer's salary while I'm trusted to inherit the workload of same previous staff. Break out the tiny violins, right?

Anyway, previously an agitator for unionizing our workplace and strengthening the position of employees against our boss who, frankly, has been significantly broken by her own set of terrible circumstances, LO, raise in hand, no longer wants even the whiff of those discussions on her, lest she be perceived as biting the hand that feeds. So all considerations of pursuing sobriety aside, I've lost professional respect for her and our friendship has deteriorated as a result of that -and- my drinking.

I hope those conditions will change for the better in the future, or we'll no longer have the stress of working together as a factor. In the meantime, I have a personal responsibility to go alone when I can, and to call my brother for support when I can't.

Thanks very much for all the info in your other response. I'll read more closely when I'm more alert.

-Chris

1undone

IndaMiricale

Hey there Chris I can relate with you unfortunaltly all those thing had to happen to me , I lost my car,job,all over my 3rd dui in 16 years. Never been sober in 25 except jail time.

Well now its been 12 days and I joined AA and it really helps me, I am even off to a AA sober party today, life is now full of firsts.

You can do this brother youll definatly start to feel alot better and welcome SR this is a very helpful place also.

P.S. I used to live in Boulder man I really miss Colorado

Peace, Dylan

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

sobermax

Anikoo, you and I were going through the exact same thing, at the exact same time, give or take the time difference. I'm on day 5 too (again). Much love to you.

CarolD

Anikoo....Welcome ...

max.........Glad to know you are starting again

recoverywfaith