First post...sad to be here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
First post...sad to be here!
Wow! I really don't know where to start. My husband and I have been married 7 years. We have a little boy (5) and a little girl (2).
My husband has a drinking problem. He has also suffered drug addiction (meth) in the past. He has been off meth for over 8 years, but still drinks.
I'm having a very hard time with his drinking. He can be very hateful when he is drinking...calling me names, cussing, ect. He has also hit me. I'm at the point in my life where I don't know what to do. I can't support my kids by myself, and I don't have family in town to help me.
I keep telling myself, next time he hits me, I'm gone (this has only happened 1 time). But where would I go? What would I do?
Any words of advice? I feel so lost. I don't want to talk to my family about this, because they would be mad I'm still here. And he parents know about it, but don't seem to care. HELP!
My husband has a drinking problem. He has also suffered drug addiction (meth) in the past. He has been off meth for over 8 years, but still drinks.
I'm having a very hard time with his drinking. He can be very hateful when he is drinking...calling me names, cussing, ect. He has also hit me. I'm at the point in my life where I don't know what to do. I can't support my kids by myself, and I don't have family in town to help me.
I keep telling myself, next time he hits me, I'm gone (this has only happened 1 time). But where would I go? What would I do?
Any words of advice? I feel so lost. I don't want to talk to my family about this, because they would be mad I'm still here. And he parents know about it, but don't seem to care. HELP!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome Fun2dress! You have found a great place to get help and learn from those around here who have wisdom. I'm kind of a newbie so my advise is limited at this point, but I am certain there will be others along soon to say hi.
This is copied from another thread from someone else, but I think you should have the information given what you have written:
CONTACT A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE ASAP!
Safe Horizon - 800-621-4673
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800−799−7233
Don't do it from your home phone or your personal cellular. Get a no-contract phone at a convenient store or use a payphone somewhere away from your house.
They can give you advise on how to handle the situation you are in. Above all you need to ensure that you are protecting yourself and your children.
I highly recommend Al-anon and also reading as much as you can on this site. The stickies at the top are full of information to help you.
This is copied from another thread from someone else, but I think you should have the information given what you have written:
CONTACT A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE ASAP!
Safe Horizon - 800-621-4673
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800−799−7233
Don't do it from your home phone or your personal cellular. Get a no-contract phone at a convenient store or use a payphone somewhere away from your house.
They can give you advise on how to handle the situation you are in. Above all you need to ensure that you are protecting yourself and your children.
I highly recommend Al-anon and also reading as much as you can on this site. The stickies at the top are full of information to help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Your parents may surprise you. When I reached the end of my rope over 13 yrs. ago with my EXH, I called my Mom. I was desperate. She told me she was praying for the day when I would wake up. I am sure your parents know about this to an extent but don't want to lose you if you decide to shut them out if they say something.
There is help. There really is. I had no job at the time and a 5 and 7 yr. old. My EXH pushed me to the floor and threatened to kill me. That was enough for me. Get out while your kids are small. If you wait until they are older there will be too much damage.
Think of your kids. Go to an Al anon meeting. Nothing leaves the rooms.
My prayers are with you honey. This was a great first step..posting here.
There is help. There really is. I had no job at the time and a 5 and 7 yr. old. My EXH pushed me to the floor and threatened to kill me. That was enough for me. Get out while your kids are small. If you wait until they are older there will be too much damage.
Think of your kids. Go to an Al anon meeting. Nothing leaves the rooms.
My prayers are with you honey. This was a great first step..posting here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
Hi...I don't have any words of wisdom as I'm kind of in flux myself, but I wanted to respond.
My husband (1 yr) is an alcoholic. He's quit, re-started, thought he could moderate, all of it. Just tonight we had a fight that ended in me throwing a glass and now he's sleeping in the car and I'm in the house. I never thought this would be my life. I tell myself "one more fight like this and I'm gone," but then I don't leave. When he's not drinking, he's the love of my life. When he is...well, he's awful. He's mean and spiteful, he says things just to hurt me. I never had a drinking problem, but now if he starts, I'll drink too, and that just makes things worse.
I wish I could give you some advice. I know how hard it is to leave. It is easy for someone to say "he hit you, so get out" but logistically, you need to take time to make sure you're financially covered. I live in a house I love with a mortgage I can't afford by myself....I could throw my AH out, but then what?? And we have kids to consider.
A lot of people here will suggest Al-Anon. I've gone to a few meetings and it really does help to know you're not alone. It is also nice to take the focus OFF of the addict and think about what you need. For me it was amazing to know I wasn't alone.
I love my husband and I want to make things work. I have dealt with all of the fallout from drinking: lies, professional problems, personal relationships suffering...and now finally I feel like I can stand on my own two feet and make some decisions for myself.
You are stronger than you know. I've not posted here much, but I read a lot. I hope someone with more wisdom comes along soon, but I wanted you to know you were heard, and you're not alone.
Hang in there.
Kitty
My husband (1 yr) is an alcoholic. He's quit, re-started, thought he could moderate, all of it. Just tonight we had a fight that ended in me throwing a glass and now he's sleeping in the car and I'm in the house. I never thought this would be my life. I tell myself "one more fight like this and I'm gone," but then I don't leave. When he's not drinking, he's the love of my life. When he is...well, he's awful. He's mean and spiteful, he says things just to hurt me. I never had a drinking problem, but now if he starts, I'll drink too, and that just makes things worse.
I wish I could give you some advice. I know how hard it is to leave. It is easy for someone to say "he hit you, so get out" but logistically, you need to take time to make sure you're financially covered. I live in a house I love with a mortgage I can't afford by myself....I could throw my AH out, but then what?? And we have kids to consider.
A lot of people here will suggest Al-Anon. I've gone to a few meetings and it really does help to know you're not alone. It is also nice to take the focus OFF of the addict and think about what you need. For me it was amazing to know I wasn't alone.
I love my husband and I want to make things work. I have dealt with all of the fallout from drinking: lies, professional problems, personal relationships suffering...and now finally I feel like I can stand on my own two feet and make some decisions for myself.
You are stronger than you know. I've not posted here much, but I read a lot. I hope someone with more wisdom comes along soon, but I wanted you to know you were heard, and you're not alone.
Hang in there.
Kitty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks so much everyone. It is so hard. I just want him to quit, thats all. I do love him, and don't want to leave...but I don't want to worry about "the next time". Its a helpless feeling.
And to think...here it is a holiday weekend. Most people will be out having fun, I will be here at home .....worrying that my husband will be drinking too much.
And to think...here it is a holiday weekend. Most people will be out having fun, I will be here at home .....worrying that my husband will be drinking too much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 4
Oh Fun2dress, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I cant imagine how scary and alone you must be feeling. I dont know what this is like, but I am a mother too and I assume that you will do what you have to do to keep your "babies" safe and it wont be easy. I agree with Alone22 that you should call a help line number.
Take care of yourself and try to remember that "love shouldnt hurt us like this" you deserve better because You Are Worth It.
Take care of yourself and try to remember that "love shouldnt hurt us like this" you deserve better because You Are Worth It.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Hun, better your parents be mad that you stayed too long but eventually had the courage to get out than them be mad at your hospital bed when he goes too far.
Normally violence is a sign that things are escalating. Alcoholism, without proper recovery and a want and will to stop doesn't get better, it gets worse. It's progressive if left untreated. What is bad to you now will be nothing in another 2 years.
By staying with him after he hit you, you have given him a green light to do it again. He now knows that if he loses it you will not leave him.
Please call your parents. If they love you they will understand and they will help you.
Normally violence is a sign that things are escalating. Alcoholism, without proper recovery and a want and will to stop doesn't get better, it gets worse. It's progressive if left untreated. What is bad to you now will be nothing in another 2 years.
By staying with him after he hit you, you have given him a green light to do it again. He now knows that if he loses it you will not leave him.
Please call your parents. If they love you they will understand and they will help you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome,
You're in the right place, and Al-Anon is a great resource.
We all want them to quit--nobody wants to leave. The thing is, there is nothing we can do to MAKE them quit. We didn't CAUSE the alcoholism, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. All we can do is work on making life better for ourselves and our kids. Sometimes that does mean leaving, but you don't have to make any decisions immediately.
I agree, too, that any violence is likely to be repeated, and to get worse, unless that is addressed.
There is a lot of support and help out there. You made a good start by reaching out here. Once we open up to others who understand what we are dealing with, we don't feel so alone and scared. It gets better--promise!
You're in the right place, and Al-Anon is a great resource.
We all want them to quit--nobody wants to leave. The thing is, there is nothing we can do to MAKE them quit. We didn't CAUSE the alcoholism, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. All we can do is work on making life better for ourselves and our kids. Sometimes that does mean leaving, but you don't have to make any decisions immediately.
I agree, too, that any violence is likely to be repeated, and to get worse, unless that is addressed.
There is a lot of support and help out there. You made a good start by reaching out here. Once we open up to others who understand what we are dealing with, we don't feel so alone and scared. It gets better--promise!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I just wanted mine to quit too but he wouldn't. He was like two different guys. When I got out of denial and saw it for what it was I took the actions I needed to. I moved but gave him a chance to get into recovery. I set boundaries. It didn't get better. Now 4 yrs. past divorce I am doing well. I totally started over. At first I was 98% sad. Now I am 98% in gratitude. I am not confused/scared/sad anymore. He had his choices. I had mine. Please reach out to your family. Keep your little ones safe. Get legal advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
You'll get lots of good advice here. What LexieCat said has been most helpful to me: You didn't cause it; You can't control it; You can't cure it.
I haven't moved out yet, either, but I've stopped taking responsibility for making AW quit drinking. It's small comfort, but it is also liberating and may start you on the road to healing yourself.
I haven't moved out yet, either, but I've stopped taking responsibility for making AW quit drinking. It's small comfort, but it is also liberating and may start you on the road to healing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi and welcome.
I did move out, after the drinking and anger finally wore me out completely. My parents were wonderful...gave me and my daughters a place to stay while we got back on our feet financially, and I just bought my own house two months ago. I am still married, and my husband is in recovery, but our relationship is tentative at best, resentful at worst.
You see, it is so much more than "quitting drinking". I thought that quitting would change the relationship. It didn't. What I had was a dry drunk - all the same nasty behaviors, the Jekyll & Hyde phenomenon, without the booze. What a huge disappointment! I see now how naive I was to what alcoholism/addiction really is.
Go read everything you can about addictions. There are many many good books out there - check out Amazon. It's way bigger than just "quitting". Knowledge is power.
Keep coming back!
~T
I did move out, after the drinking and anger finally wore me out completely. My parents were wonderful...gave me and my daughters a place to stay while we got back on our feet financially, and I just bought my own house two months ago. I am still married, and my husband is in recovery, but our relationship is tentative at best, resentful at worst.
You see, it is so much more than "quitting drinking". I thought that quitting would change the relationship. It didn't. What I had was a dry drunk - all the same nasty behaviors, the Jekyll & Hyde phenomenon, without the booze. What a huge disappointment! I see now how naive I was to what alcoholism/addiction really is.
Go read everything you can about addictions. There are many many good books out there - check out Amazon. It's way bigger than just "quitting". Knowledge is power.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Fun2Dress
Welcome. What struck me and I could relate to in your post is the though patterns of one more time and I will....
For me no two incidences were ever the same....I did not realize that the addiction behind them was the same though. I took each incident as a snap shot in time and only now view it as a movie of addiction. The fact that after the incident when I told him one more time like this and....the episodes never looked like that again and I felt like I was not keeping my word because they did not look the same.
I am sending warm thoughts your way and hope you and your family are safe.
Welcome. What struck me and I could relate to in your post is the though patterns of one more time and I will....
For me no two incidences were ever the same....I did not realize that the addiction behind them was the same though. I took each incident as a snap shot in time and only now view it as a movie of addiction. The fact that after the incident when I told him one more time like this and....the episodes never looked like that again and I felt like I was not keeping my word because they did not look the same.
I am sending warm thoughts your way and hope you and your family are safe.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Sorry that you are involved in this situation. Alcoholism is one issue and domestic violence is a whole different issue. Both are progressive, and left untreated both will escalate.
Be very careful, make no mistake, he is a dangerous man.
Please protect yourself, keep the domestic violence number close at hand and I would not hesitate calling 911 if he comes after you again.
I also recommend contacting your family, you need their support.
There is nothing you can do to help him, you can only help yourself.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Sorry that you are involved in this situation. Alcoholism is one issue and domestic violence is a whole different issue. Both are progressive, and left untreated both will escalate.
Be very careful, make no mistake, he is a dangerous man.
Please protect yourself, keep the domestic violence number close at hand and I would not hesitate calling 911 if he comes after you again.
I also recommend contacting your family, you need their support.
There is nothing you can do to help him, you can only help yourself.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
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