My mom's journal during my father's last stint at rehab (long)
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My mom's journal during my father's last stint at rehab (long)
My mom has been very supportive of my decision to stop drinking. My dad went through this, but was much much worse than I was. He had 25 years of hard drinking behind him. I have had 2.
She kept a journal during 10 days of his last great stint with alcohol before she had enough. I figure that someone here might benefit from reading it.
All names have been removed and replaced with identifiers so you understand the context of the story.
3 months after rehab, my mother found him drinking straight vodka out of a pepsi can. When told it was the booze or the family, he said, "I'm an adult, and no one can tell me what to do."
They filed for divorce.
4 years later, my father was found in his duplex dead. He was drinking 2 fifths a day of hard liquor, and throwing up constantly. His esophagus ruptured and he had essentially "thrown up" into hs chest cavity.
I was 16. He was buried 2 days later.
Despite this, I still chose to drink a few years back. While my father's experience is not my experience, I make a conscious decision to NEVER make it my experience.
on my 12th day of sobriety. I'll take another 24 hours please.
She kept a journal during 10 days of his last great stint with alcohol before she had enough. I figure that someone here might benefit from reading it.
All names have been removed and replaced with identifiers so you understand the context of the story.
Sunday, March 10, 1991
[Dad] is looking and acting rather strangely today. But there's nothing I can do. He won't say if anything is bothering him. I just keep myself busy.
Monday. March 11, 1991
[Dad] wakes up at 4:00 a.m. feeling sick. He didn't sleep well last night, tossed and turned a lot. He starts vomiting violently in the early morning. He decides not to go to work, since he has the flu. I left for work and told him to call me if he needed anything.
I went home to check on him at lunch. Found him wandering in the dining room, looking very dazed and pale. He said he had had an accident. His speech was thick.He said he had slipped and fallen down the basement steps and had hit his head and bitten his tongue badly. He was very clammy looking. I decided to take him to the emergency room. I don't really know when he had fallen. The bleeding on his head had stopped, so it had been a while.
In the emergency room, they stitched his head (5 stitches) and decide to admit him to the hospital because of his tongue. He really bit it and it was swollen and they were afraid his air passage would be blocked. I stayed with him until he went to his room and then left to go back to work. It was 3:30.
I went back to visit at 6:00. As I walked into his room, I was startled to see several people standing around his bed. His arms and legs were tied down. He had a seizure, and unfortunately, had rebitten his tongue. He was not aware of anything. He didn't know he had had a seizure, he was fighting the restraints, I had to tell him everything over and over, it didn't sink in. He had patches on his chest. The nurse said that he had started to turn blue during the seizure and they were prepared to zap him. He was "code blue".
By now his tongue was swelling more and more. They thought they might do a tracheotomy. The decision was made to move him to intensive care. They started him on drugs to stop the seizures. They feared that another seizure could kill him. It was determined that the seizures were "alcohol related“.
I stayed with him as long as I could. He was hooked up to l.V.'s. He couldn't swallow any pills so all medicine had to be given intravenously. He was a real mess. Still very disoriented, confused, combatitive. His tongue filled his whole mouth. His eyes were so strange. Very piercing. I couldn't be sure that he even knew who I was. I left to go home. I really thought that that he would not live through the night.
Tuesday, March 12, 1991
The worst day of my life. There is a horrible snow storm outside. School is cancelled. I called the hospital to see how [Dad] had done, they said he was restless. (I later found that he would not stay in bed all night, kept taking out his I.V.'s and they had to have security guards come and stand over him to keep him in bed.) I planned to go to work for the morning and catch up on things. As soon as I got to work, the hospital called, asking me to come. They hoped that I could help calm him, to keep him in bed.
When I got there he was very disoriented, now he's developed the shakes. He is on medication to prevent any more seizures. I had talked to Dr. Golden on the phone earlier and he said that this was all a result of alcohol withdrawal. An oral surgeon came to look at [Dad]'s mouth. It is truly disgusting. So swollen and this huge clot underneath. He said that he could not stitch anything, that it would be like stitching hamburger, and that the swelling would have to go down on its own. It would take about one month for his tongue to return to normal. Ice was all he could prescribe.
[Dad] can hardly talk, and what does say, you can't understand. He drools constantly. The ice helped the swelling go down some, at least it wasn't getting any larger. [Dad] is still very disoriented. Dr. Golden came and we had a nice talk. He told [Dad] that he had better clean himself up or he would not live much longer. [Dad] said he didn't have a drinking problem. Dr. Golden didn't buy it. Told him he needed to do something about it NOW. [Dad] asked my opinion, I said I wasn't going to live it anymore. We cared about him to much to watch him kill himself. [Dad] agreed to go in for treatment.
No Rehab center would take [Dad] now though, he was to heavily sedated and such a mess. First we have to stabilize him.
lt was decided to move [Dad] out of intensive care into a regular room. I stayed with him all day. He was very shaky and started to hallucinate. I could hardly control him. He is so strong. He refuses to stay in bed. But he can't walk on his own. I'm so afraid he'll fall. He keeps trying to get his clothes on and leave. He wants to leave "this hotel". He wants to go to Red Lobster. He wants to go to Pizza Hut. Doesn't understand why we can't leave. At one point, he thought that his bed was on the ceiling and that he was hanging upside down from it. It was a horrible struggle to try to keep him from hurting himself and reassure him that he was not on the ceiling. I called [Dad's Sister]. Told her that he needed to be watched, because the nurses couldn't stand by him all day. [Dad's Brother in law] was to come at 4:00 to relieve me. He didn't get there til 5:00. I was so glad to leave. I hadn't eaten all day and I was exhausted from physically struggling with [Dad]. I had seen way to much.
[Dad's Sister] had called her parents. They wanted me to wait until they arrived to make any major decisions. No way. I will not have him at home like this. Nor will I EVER go through this again. The decision was made. He will go into rehab as soon as possible.
At 6:15 p.m. the nurse from [Dad]'s ward called me. Evidentially [Dad's Brother in law] decided to leave (not the plan, he was to stay until [Dad's Sister] came), when [Dad's Brother in law] left, so did [Dad]. They found him wandering outside. They had a call into the doctor. I asked that he call me. When the doctor called he told me that [Dad] was having a bad case of DT's (I already could tell) and that our choices were to restrain him orto sedate him. I choose to have him sedated, and to have family there 24 hours a day to watch him. [Dad] told [Dad's Sister] that he
was going to ‘Bible school‘ then said it was "drunk school". He had not slept since Sunday night. [Dad's Sister] and [Dad's Neice] went up. [Dad's Sister] was to stay until 12:00 midnight, then I would stay. They gave him a sedative and it took almost 3 hours for it to kick in. When I got there at 11:00 [Dad] was asleep.
[Dad's Sister] & I talked about the day. I got a recliner so that I could "sleep". I got 2 hours of sleep that night. [Dad] tossed and turned constantly.
Wednesday, March 13, 1991
At 4:30 a.m. he was up and dressed instantly. insisting that we leave "this hotel". First we walked around (still shaking) looking for [Dad's Sister]. Then when I convinced him she wasn't there he wanted to call her and meet her for breakfast somewhere. I said it was way to early to call, that we had to wait a while. From then until 6:30 he just kept talking about calling [Dad's Sister] and going somewhere for breakfast. That they couldn't keep him there. We called at 6:30 a.m. That seemed to quite him somewhat.
We are now able to put together some pieces. Seems that [Dad] had quit drinking on his own "a few days ago" and had started into withdrawals at home. I wish he had told me. The vomiting was first, and then he had had a seizure, which caused the fall.
[Dad's Sister] came at 9:00 a.m. I went home to shower. I was back at the hospital at 11:00. He's somewhat better today. [Dad's Sister] went for a smoke and [Dad] was very upset that he was the last person to know that he was going to a rehab center. He had forgotten that he agreed to it. Dr. Golden came in and said [Dad] was to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist. [Dad]'s parent arrived around 1:00 p.m. By now they are saying whatever I want to do they will back me up. The Psychiatrist came and evaluated [Dad]. Decided that he needed to go into a locked unit, where he can't escape. He has to further detox and get off of the medication before a program will accept him.
As soon as the paperwork is done, we leave. [Dad] insists on going home to shower first. OK. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] are there. [Dad] takes a ham from the freezer, worried about teeding all the people at our house. I was afraid he was never going to get out of the shower. He didn't want to leave. He went upstairs and was trying to pull stuff off his tongue with tweezers. When I tried to take them away, he just about through me across the room. I yelled for [Dad's dad].
We finally get him up to [Another Hospital] at 5:30. We were there for 2 hours checking him him. It was the psychiatric unit. Full of very spooky people. It was probably the hardest thing I have every done, leaving him there in that mental ward. He was simply pathetic. He still can hardly talk, and bloody drool is constantly coming out of his mouth. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] were spending the night at our house. I left a message for his doctor to call me. I could hardly sleep. Kept seeing him. I felt ready to crack.
Friday, March 15, 1991
Dr. G. called. Reassured me that this is where he had to be. It is a locked unit. He can't escape. He will be well looked after. He is still going through DT's, but not as bad. They will gradually decrease his medication. Hopefully he can be moved to another unit on Monday or Tuesday. I went to work. Trying to return my life to normal.
The boys and I went to visit him in the evening. They really didn't like the place. Neither did I.
Satuday, March 16, 1991
[Dad] looks better. He talks a little better. Still drools. During our visit he told me that he had decided that he could handle this on his own. That he would be able to return home, and drink some. A few beers. And that as soon as it was a problem he would go to AA. I couldn't believe he said that. After all he had been through he still can't admit that he is an alcoholic. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I decided not to argue. He is still pretty disoriented.
After I got home, I called [Dad's friend]. Told him the whole story. He said he would go visit [Dad]. I went back to visit Saturday night, [Dad's friend] came while I was there. He and [Dad] had a nice visit. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] moved their stuff to the Tuckers. The boys seem to be handling this all pretty well. [Me] is more emotional than [My Brother] (of course). He wants to be held a lot. They both realize how serious this is.
Sunday, March 17, 1991
[Mom's Friend] and I walked the mall. Sometimes she really helps me to get things in perspective. She is concerned about ME. Says that I really need to think about myself, my future.
I went to visit [Dad] in the afternoon. I asked him if he still meant it about drinking and not needing a program. He said yes, that he could control it. I then told him that if he did not enter a program, he could not live in his house, and that I would file for divorce.
I want a life. I have dealt with his problem for 10 years, and I'm done. It is now up to him. He said he would think about it.
I then went to the [Dad's Sister's House]. Told [Dad's dad] I wanted to talk to him. Told him what I had told [Dad]. ldidn't want them to think I was being cruel. Ijust can't live it anymore. He said he totally understood and backed me up all the way. Said it hurts him to see how [Dad] is hurting his family. [Dad's dad] cried. I then told him that [Dad] has a "hole" inside him. That he has never really thought his father loved him. That right now he needs his fathers love and support and to be TOLD by [Dad's dad] that he cares. Actually, it went rather well.
I then went home. Tucker's are having Tracy's B-day party tonight. I dropped the boys off & went to the hospital to visit [Dad]. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] are there. They have been talking with [Dad] for about an hour. Guess [Dad's dad] was very emotional. Told [Dad] he really loved him, that he knew he had been a bad father and all sorts of other stuff.
They left shortly after I got there. [Dad] was very silent. Upon pressing him for what he was feeling, he said "numb". We talked a little, and I left. I left a message for his doctor to call me. A side note here. Everytime that [Dad] is in the hospital, my whole life is thrown up in the air. I am constantly running back and forth to visit him, and put through emotional turmoil. Everything else has to be put on hold. He's been hospitalized twice with bleeding ulcers and now this. I don't think he realizes how much my life is affected.
Monday, March 18. 1991
8:00 a.m. Dr. G called and said [Dad] had agreed to treatment. I told her what I had told him (re divorce) she said GREAT. lt's about time he had to face it. Said his liver was not working properly, and that he would have to be off alcohol for 6 months to a year before they could tell how much permanent damage was done.
I called [Dad's union]. Told [Union Head]. Told him it was time he addressed the situation of drinking on the job. He basically gave me the runaround.
Went to visit [Dad]. I only had about 30 minutes to spare tonight. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] were there when I arrived and stayed after I left. [Dad] is not happy about going. But feels that he doesn't have a choice. Later that night, [Dad] was moved into another unit. Away from the manic depressives.
Monday, March 19, 1991
[Dad] is moved to the rehab unit today. Says he has no choice. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] left for their home. [Dad's mom] is very upset over all of this. [Dad] must have called me 10 times today.
Tuesday, March 20, 1991
_More of the same. Had the program fully explained to me by someone at [Rehab Center]. Everyone says that it is totally up to [Dad]. He will only succeed If he wants to. Time will tell.
[Dad] is looking and acting rather strangely today. But there's nothing I can do. He won't say if anything is bothering him. I just keep myself busy.
Monday. March 11, 1991
[Dad] wakes up at 4:00 a.m. feeling sick. He didn't sleep well last night, tossed and turned a lot. He starts vomiting violently in the early morning. He decides not to go to work, since he has the flu. I left for work and told him to call me if he needed anything.
I went home to check on him at lunch. Found him wandering in the dining room, looking very dazed and pale. He said he had had an accident. His speech was thick.He said he had slipped and fallen down the basement steps and had hit his head and bitten his tongue badly. He was very clammy looking. I decided to take him to the emergency room. I don't really know when he had fallen. The bleeding on his head had stopped, so it had been a while.
In the emergency room, they stitched his head (5 stitches) and decide to admit him to the hospital because of his tongue. He really bit it and it was swollen and they were afraid his air passage would be blocked. I stayed with him until he went to his room and then left to go back to work. It was 3:30.
I went back to visit at 6:00. As I walked into his room, I was startled to see several people standing around his bed. His arms and legs were tied down. He had a seizure, and unfortunately, had rebitten his tongue. He was not aware of anything. He didn't know he had had a seizure, he was fighting the restraints, I had to tell him everything over and over, it didn't sink in. He had patches on his chest. The nurse said that he had started to turn blue during the seizure and they were prepared to zap him. He was "code blue".
By now his tongue was swelling more and more. They thought they might do a tracheotomy. The decision was made to move him to intensive care. They started him on drugs to stop the seizures. They feared that another seizure could kill him. It was determined that the seizures were "alcohol related“.
I stayed with him as long as I could. He was hooked up to l.V.'s. He couldn't swallow any pills so all medicine had to be given intravenously. He was a real mess. Still very disoriented, confused, combatitive. His tongue filled his whole mouth. His eyes were so strange. Very piercing. I couldn't be sure that he even knew who I was. I left to go home. I really thought that that he would not live through the night.
Tuesday, March 12, 1991
The worst day of my life. There is a horrible snow storm outside. School is cancelled. I called the hospital to see how [Dad] had done, they said he was restless. (I later found that he would not stay in bed all night, kept taking out his I.V.'s and they had to have security guards come and stand over him to keep him in bed.) I planned to go to work for the morning and catch up on things. As soon as I got to work, the hospital called, asking me to come. They hoped that I could help calm him, to keep him in bed.
When I got there he was very disoriented, now he's developed the shakes. He is on medication to prevent any more seizures. I had talked to Dr. Golden on the phone earlier and he said that this was all a result of alcohol withdrawal. An oral surgeon came to look at [Dad]'s mouth. It is truly disgusting. So swollen and this huge clot underneath. He said that he could not stitch anything, that it would be like stitching hamburger, and that the swelling would have to go down on its own. It would take about one month for his tongue to return to normal. Ice was all he could prescribe.
[Dad] can hardly talk, and what does say, you can't understand. He drools constantly. The ice helped the swelling go down some, at least it wasn't getting any larger. [Dad] is still very disoriented. Dr. Golden came and we had a nice talk. He told [Dad] that he had better clean himself up or he would not live much longer. [Dad] said he didn't have a drinking problem. Dr. Golden didn't buy it. Told him he needed to do something about it NOW. [Dad] asked my opinion, I said I wasn't going to live it anymore. We cared about him to much to watch him kill himself. [Dad] agreed to go in for treatment.
No Rehab center would take [Dad] now though, he was to heavily sedated and such a mess. First we have to stabilize him.
lt was decided to move [Dad] out of intensive care into a regular room. I stayed with him all day. He was very shaky and started to hallucinate. I could hardly control him. He is so strong. He refuses to stay in bed. But he can't walk on his own. I'm so afraid he'll fall. He keeps trying to get his clothes on and leave. He wants to leave "this hotel". He wants to go to Red Lobster. He wants to go to Pizza Hut. Doesn't understand why we can't leave. At one point, he thought that his bed was on the ceiling and that he was hanging upside down from it. It was a horrible struggle to try to keep him from hurting himself and reassure him that he was not on the ceiling. I called [Dad's Sister]. Told her that he needed to be watched, because the nurses couldn't stand by him all day. [Dad's Brother in law] was to come at 4:00 to relieve me. He didn't get there til 5:00. I was so glad to leave. I hadn't eaten all day and I was exhausted from physically struggling with [Dad]. I had seen way to much.
[Dad's Sister] had called her parents. They wanted me to wait until they arrived to make any major decisions. No way. I will not have him at home like this. Nor will I EVER go through this again. The decision was made. He will go into rehab as soon as possible.
At 6:15 p.m. the nurse from [Dad]'s ward called me. Evidentially [Dad's Brother in law] decided to leave (not the plan, he was to stay until [Dad's Sister] came), when [Dad's Brother in law] left, so did [Dad]. They found him wandering outside. They had a call into the doctor. I asked that he call me. When the doctor called he told me that [Dad] was having a bad case of DT's (I already could tell) and that our choices were to restrain him orto sedate him. I choose to have him sedated, and to have family there 24 hours a day to watch him. [Dad] told [Dad's Sister] that he
was going to ‘Bible school‘ then said it was "drunk school". He had not slept since Sunday night. [Dad's Sister] and [Dad's Neice] went up. [Dad's Sister] was to stay until 12:00 midnight, then I would stay. They gave him a sedative and it took almost 3 hours for it to kick in. When I got there at 11:00 [Dad] was asleep.
[Dad's Sister] & I talked about the day. I got a recliner so that I could "sleep". I got 2 hours of sleep that night. [Dad] tossed and turned constantly.
Wednesday, March 13, 1991
At 4:30 a.m. he was up and dressed instantly. insisting that we leave "this hotel". First we walked around (still shaking) looking for [Dad's Sister]. Then when I convinced him she wasn't there he wanted to call her and meet her for breakfast somewhere. I said it was way to early to call, that we had to wait a while. From then until 6:30 he just kept talking about calling [Dad's Sister] and going somewhere for breakfast. That they couldn't keep him there. We called at 6:30 a.m. That seemed to quite him somewhat.
We are now able to put together some pieces. Seems that [Dad] had quit drinking on his own "a few days ago" and had started into withdrawals at home. I wish he had told me. The vomiting was first, and then he had had a seizure, which caused the fall.
[Dad's Sister] came at 9:00 a.m. I went home to shower. I was back at the hospital at 11:00. He's somewhat better today. [Dad's Sister] went for a smoke and [Dad] was very upset that he was the last person to know that he was going to a rehab center. He had forgotten that he agreed to it. Dr. Golden came in and said [Dad] was to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist. [Dad]'s parent arrived around 1:00 p.m. By now they are saying whatever I want to do they will back me up. The Psychiatrist came and evaluated [Dad]. Decided that he needed to go into a locked unit, where he can't escape. He has to further detox and get off of the medication before a program will accept him.
As soon as the paperwork is done, we leave. [Dad] insists on going home to shower first. OK. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] are there. [Dad] takes a ham from the freezer, worried about teeding all the people at our house. I was afraid he was never going to get out of the shower. He didn't want to leave. He went upstairs and was trying to pull stuff off his tongue with tweezers. When I tried to take them away, he just about through me across the room. I yelled for [Dad's dad].
We finally get him up to [Another Hospital] at 5:30. We were there for 2 hours checking him him. It was the psychiatric unit. Full of very spooky people. It was probably the hardest thing I have every done, leaving him there in that mental ward. He was simply pathetic. He still can hardly talk, and bloody drool is constantly coming out of his mouth. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] were spending the night at our house. I left a message for his doctor to call me. I could hardly sleep. Kept seeing him. I felt ready to crack.
Friday, March 15, 1991
Dr. G. called. Reassured me that this is where he had to be. It is a locked unit. He can't escape. He will be well looked after. He is still going through DT's, but not as bad. They will gradually decrease his medication. Hopefully he can be moved to another unit on Monday or Tuesday. I went to work. Trying to return my life to normal.
The boys and I went to visit him in the evening. They really didn't like the place. Neither did I.
Satuday, March 16, 1991
[Dad] looks better. He talks a little better. Still drools. During our visit he told me that he had decided that he could handle this on his own. That he would be able to return home, and drink some. A few beers. And that as soon as it was a problem he would go to AA. I couldn't believe he said that. After all he had been through he still can't admit that he is an alcoholic. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I decided not to argue. He is still pretty disoriented.
After I got home, I called [Dad's friend]. Told him the whole story. He said he would go visit [Dad]. I went back to visit Saturday night, [Dad's friend] came while I was there. He and [Dad] had a nice visit. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] moved their stuff to the Tuckers. The boys seem to be handling this all pretty well. [Me] is more emotional than [My Brother] (of course). He wants to be held a lot. They both realize how serious this is.
Sunday, March 17, 1991
[Mom's Friend] and I walked the mall. Sometimes she really helps me to get things in perspective. She is concerned about ME. Says that I really need to think about myself, my future.
I went to visit [Dad] in the afternoon. I asked him if he still meant it about drinking and not needing a program. He said yes, that he could control it. I then told him that if he did not enter a program, he could not live in his house, and that I would file for divorce.
I want a life. I have dealt with his problem for 10 years, and I'm done. It is now up to him. He said he would think about it.
I then went to the [Dad's Sister's House]. Told [Dad's dad] I wanted to talk to him. Told him what I had told [Dad]. ldidn't want them to think I was being cruel. Ijust can't live it anymore. He said he totally understood and backed me up all the way. Said it hurts him to see how [Dad] is hurting his family. [Dad's dad] cried. I then told him that [Dad] has a "hole" inside him. That he has never really thought his father loved him. That right now he needs his fathers love and support and to be TOLD by [Dad's dad] that he cares. Actually, it went rather well.
I then went home. Tucker's are having Tracy's B-day party tonight. I dropped the boys off & went to the hospital to visit [Dad]. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] are there. They have been talking with [Dad] for about an hour. Guess [Dad's dad] was very emotional. Told [Dad] he really loved him, that he knew he had been a bad father and all sorts of other stuff.
They left shortly after I got there. [Dad] was very silent. Upon pressing him for what he was feeling, he said "numb". We talked a little, and I left. I left a message for his doctor to call me. A side note here. Everytime that [Dad] is in the hospital, my whole life is thrown up in the air. I am constantly running back and forth to visit him, and put through emotional turmoil. Everything else has to be put on hold. He's been hospitalized twice with bleeding ulcers and now this. I don't think he realizes how much my life is affected.
Monday, March 18. 1991
8:00 a.m. Dr. G called and said [Dad] had agreed to treatment. I told her what I had told him (re divorce) she said GREAT. lt's about time he had to face it. Said his liver was not working properly, and that he would have to be off alcohol for 6 months to a year before they could tell how much permanent damage was done.
I called [Dad's union]. Told [Union Head]. Told him it was time he addressed the situation of drinking on the job. He basically gave me the runaround.
Went to visit [Dad]. I only had about 30 minutes to spare tonight. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] were there when I arrived and stayed after I left. [Dad] is not happy about going. But feels that he doesn't have a choice. Later that night, [Dad] was moved into another unit. Away from the manic depressives.
Monday, March 19, 1991
[Dad] is moved to the rehab unit today. Says he has no choice. [Dad's dad] & [Dad's mom] left for their home. [Dad's mom] is very upset over all of this. [Dad] must have called me 10 times today.
Tuesday, March 20, 1991
_More of the same. Had the program fully explained to me by someone at [Rehab Center]. Everyone says that it is totally up to [Dad]. He will only succeed If he wants to. Time will tell.
They filed for divorce.
4 years later, my father was found in his duplex dead. He was drinking 2 fifths a day of hard liquor, and throwing up constantly. His esophagus ruptured and he had essentially "thrown up" into hs chest cavity.
I was 16. He was buried 2 days later.
Despite this, I still chose to drink a few years back. While my father's experience is not my experience, I make a conscious decision to NEVER make it my experience.
on my 12th day of sobriety. I'll take another 24 hours please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by 1undone 
WOW! THanks for sharing that very private story! I'm amazed! I'm sorry he didn't make different choices. 
Congrats on your 12th day! GO YOU!
Congrats on your 12th day! GO YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: great lakes
Posts: 101
I just registered to this site & yours was the first thread I read. It brought tears to my eyes & a lump to my throat. My family lived through similar experiences, though not as severe. It did become a repeated pattern in our home when I was a teen, alcohol, mental breakdowns, psych wards, rehab, DUIs, jail, more rehab... My father is still living in poor health in a nursing home.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's very powerful. I hope & pray you & your family can heal & forgive over time. I'm still working on it.
Peace-
ceneri
Thank you for sharing your story. It's very powerful. I hope & pray you & your family can heal & forgive over time. I'm still working on it.
Peace-
ceneri
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Thank You
GBC - WOW. thank you for posting this - tears are flowing up a storm. I went through a VERY similar situation with my father 11 years ago. He went to treatment 15 years prior to his death and was sober for about 13. His last two years, he was diagnosed with cancer and started drinking again. He started with wine and beer (vodka and brandy were his DOC prior to treatment). It escalated tragically in those 2 years back to the vodka, and more fierce than ever.
He was sick with pneumonia after a week of a complete drinking binge. He talked of suicide. My mother had been out of town for that week and took him to the Dr. when she returned where she mentioned the suicide talk. The Dr. immediately sent him to detox in a cop car. There he suffered tremendous DT's - couldn't walk or speak. Shaking in almost convulsions. Wearing a diaper. Trying to say he wanted a cigarette by pretending to roll one because he couldn't speak. The morphine started being administered. All this time his pneumonia took over and his lungs began to fill. This went on for about 18 hours until he was basically unconscious and my mom was left with the decision to put him on life support. She followed his wishes and said no, and he died about 2 hours later.
And here I am, 11 years later, dealing with my same problem. I still don't really understand why I would never take a bite of food that I saw made someone else sick - yet I watched my dad die in front of me and continued to drink.
I'm glad we are both here and trying our best to not let history repeat itself. The memories subside after awhile, but being reminded about the consequences isn't a bad thing every so often. I was very touched that you shared this with us - and I'm sure it has helped many many people already.
I'm sorry for your loss - proud of you for where you are today - and grateful for your post. Congrats on Day 12, my friend.
He was sick with pneumonia after a week of a complete drinking binge. He talked of suicide. My mother had been out of town for that week and took him to the Dr. when she returned where she mentioned the suicide talk. The Dr. immediately sent him to detox in a cop car. There he suffered tremendous DT's - couldn't walk or speak. Shaking in almost convulsions. Wearing a diaper. Trying to say he wanted a cigarette by pretending to roll one because he couldn't speak. The morphine started being administered. All this time his pneumonia took over and his lungs began to fill. This went on for about 18 hours until he was basically unconscious and my mom was left with the decision to put him on life support. She followed his wishes and said no, and he died about 2 hours later.
And here I am, 11 years later, dealing with my same problem. I still don't really understand why I would never take a bite of food that I saw made someone else sick - yet I watched my dad die in front of me and continued to drink.
I'm glad we are both here and trying our best to not let history repeat itself. The memories subside after awhile, but being reminded about the consequences isn't a bad thing every so often. I was very touched that you shared this with us - and I'm sure it has helped many many people already.
I'm sorry for your loss - proud of you for where you are today - and grateful for your post. Congrats on Day 12, my friend.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
GBJ,
I just posted that I was at the lip of experiencing what your dad did. It was a long post too. Thank you for posting it in its entirety. I hope everyone takes the time to read it. Congrats on your waking up. I lost my Dad to it too but never knew him. He abandoned us when I was six. I found him and a great brother by his next marriage via a death notice. I wish I had read your post years ago. But then I was in denial and would never have believed it applied to me. And some here will still not see it applying to them or for what you meant the post to be. We are all dying of this disease. Some are further along the path than others, but all paths on this journey lead to incapacitation and death. The only way to win is to quit permanently, irrevocably. I wish all success in their sobriety. And sobriety for the rest.
I just posted that I was at the lip of experiencing what your dad did. It was a long post too. Thank you for posting it in its entirety. I hope everyone takes the time to read it. Congrats on your waking up. I lost my Dad to it too but never knew him. He abandoned us when I was six. I found him and a great brother by his next marriage via a death notice. I wish I had read your post years ago. But then I was in denial and would never have believed it applied to me. And some here will still not see it applying to them or for what you meant the post to be. We are all dying of this disease. Some are further along the path than others, but all paths on this journey lead to incapacitation and death. The only way to win is to quit permanently, irrevocably. I wish all success in their sobriety. And sobriety for the rest.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Thank you so much for sharing what is a very moving and heartfelt experience. I had tears in my eyes from the very first paragraph.
And many congratulations on 12 days sober for yourself, you deserve to live a joyous life free from the devastation of alcohol. Wishing you the very, very best.
And many congratulations on 12 days sober for yourself, you deserve to live a joyous life free from the devastation of alcohol. Wishing you the very, very best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 69
Thank you for all of the kind replies. I really believe that recovery, and real healing, happen when people are honest and open, and perhaps share something personal.
I was talking with my mother about this journal last night, and she told me, "I didn't even put in there the part about when i had to throw myself on top of your father, because he was freaking out. He was convinced that there were bugs all over his body and was in a total panic."
it put everything into a new light about my mother. I had, for the most part, blocked out a lot of the things that happened during those months.
Other events, however, are seared into my memory... such as:
When my brother and i visited my dad (mentioned in the journal) and he was in a locked psych unit. He was drooling all over himself and could barely talk. he kept complaining about his roommate. I still remember the shirt he wore that day. It was a kennedy space center teal t-shirt, and it was covered in bloody drool stains.
I remember when he came home that day to take a shower. he was coming in from the garage with my mom, and the first thing i did was try to hug him. it wasn't well received, but it's no surprise considering the state he was in. It was the first time i remember hugging my dad.
I remember visiting him in the rehab center, and how boring it seemed for a 12 year old.
I also remember that while he lived with us, I used to break down and swear that no one loved me about every 6 months. As soon as he moved out, the meltdowns stopped.
I remember a year or more later he would ask us to stay the night at his house, and we never did. I never wanted to because I didn't feel "at home" at his place. 16 years after his death, I wish i would have spent at least one night with him after my parents divorced. What I would give to just show him my little family, what I have become, and to hear him say he was proud of me.
I could go on and on. We as alcoholics sometimes justify our drinking saying that it only affects us. I'm here to tell you that this is crap. Drinking affects everyone in our lives negatively. if you're reading this and need help, get it. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have no control over drinking.
Admitting I have a problem is probably the bravest thing I've done in a long time.
if my father's life (and death) can be any kind of inspiration to anyone, i will consider his tragic life one well spent, although i'd give up any good his experience caused to have him back, and for my son to have a grandfather.
I was talking with my mother about this journal last night, and she told me, "I didn't even put in there the part about when i had to throw myself on top of your father, because he was freaking out. He was convinced that there were bugs all over his body and was in a total panic."
it put everything into a new light about my mother. I had, for the most part, blocked out a lot of the things that happened during those months.
Other events, however, are seared into my memory... such as:
When my brother and i visited my dad (mentioned in the journal) and he was in a locked psych unit. He was drooling all over himself and could barely talk. he kept complaining about his roommate. I still remember the shirt he wore that day. It was a kennedy space center teal t-shirt, and it was covered in bloody drool stains.
I remember when he came home that day to take a shower. he was coming in from the garage with my mom, and the first thing i did was try to hug him. it wasn't well received, but it's no surprise considering the state he was in. It was the first time i remember hugging my dad.
I remember visiting him in the rehab center, and how boring it seemed for a 12 year old.
I also remember that while he lived with us, I used to break down and swear that no one loved me about every 6 months. As soon as he moved out, the meltdowns stopped.
I remember a year or more later he would ask us to stay the night at his house, and we never did. I never wanted to because I didn't feel "at home" at his place. 16 years after his death, I wish i would have spent at least one night with him after my parents divorced. What I would give to just show him my little family, what I have become, and to hear him say he was proud of me.
I could go on and on. We as alcoholics sometimes justify our drinking saying that it only affects us. I'm here to tell you that this is crap. Drinking affects everyone in our lives negatively. if you're reading this and need help, get it. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have no control over drinking.
Admitting I have a problem is probably the bravest thing I've done in a long time.
if my father's life (and death) can be any kind of inspiration to anyone, i will consider his tragic life one well spent, although i'd give up any good his experience caused to have him back, and for my son to have a grandfather.
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