I love this program!!!!
Yankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
I love this program!!!!
I don't really post threads. I do not seem to have that much going on where I need to. So I read everyones posts and share when approporiate. (this has to do with my ex and not my addict/alcoholic brother)
My ex fiance/addict is being released from prison today after being gone for 5 years for robbing a bank after I broke up the relationship. I had visited him in the begining two times with his mother. I had also accepted very few calls, and we exchanged letters. He knows that I do not want to be with him and that I do not love him like that anymore. He says he saw that in the last visit, saw my lack of love for him in my eyes.
The last time I wrote to him was 5 months ago, and that was in response to a letter he wrote me. Saying the usual stuff like, thank you for always being there, I am so sorry for everything, your a great woman....blah blah. I believe he means those things, in his own way. I responded by saying thank you for the nice words, and then told him that I was sorry for all the times that I yelled at him for the things that he had done, sorry for kicking him out all of those times just when I knew I would only tell him to come back home. Sorry for treating him like a child, trying to control him. I also apologized for turning him in to the feds, which was something I lied to him about for all of those years. His response back to that was that he never heard me sound so grown up, and he thanked me. It felt really good people, good to admit that I was wrong in my behavior towards him, admit that I had some kind of hand with the bad stuff in the relationship. This program helped me do that.
For the last few months, I have been thinking about his release. I do not want to see him randomly anywhere, I am afraid how I might feel. Let's face it, it is my addiction to him that got me in the position I am in.
But at the same time, I still feel peace in my heart for where I am at today with myself. I have a teenager (17yrs) who is going to be a senior, and he is a great great kid! As a single Mom, I did a good job, I could not always say that as cause of the guilt I felt for staying with my ex. Today, working my program, I am proud to be able to SAY something like that, that I did a good job, I am a groovy Mom. Also, I love my job, I have been here 3 years and I dont call in sick like I used to at other jobs (you know how it goes, calling in sick due to *problems* or mental instability due to our addicts) My life is simple, drama free....NORMAL. And the cherry on top if it all is that I am single, practically single for these last 5 years, I have no desire or intentions of wanting a man around, maybe it is due to the scars, I dunno, but I am happy right now flying solo.
I do sometimes hear the little tiny voice saying *maybe he will be sober everyday for the rest of his life, and you can be together* And just about a minute after I hear that little voice........I tell it to SHUT UP. And then I am back in reality. My program has helped me back into reality yet once again! (besides can an addict who has been USING heroine in prison this whole time really be at his bottom?)
A small part of me is a little nervous for if/when he uses when he is here. If he gets angry at me for turning him in, he might look for me. Which is why....I have moved last month, got a nonpublished phone, took off my voice from my voicemail on the cell phone, deleted facebook...ect. I am not overly concerned about it, we never had an issue with physical abuse, but you never know what someone will do when they are high....hence him robbing the bank.
Thank you for listening to my long post. Felt good to talk about how I have been feeling, I dont talk to anyone about it. I tend to keep things to myself. I think in the past I have been trained to feel depressed when it comes to him, for the last few years I have been training myself that this is not the way it has to be.
Today I am ok.
My ex fiance/addict is being released from prison today after being gone for 5 years for robbing a bank after I broke up the relationship. I had visited him in the begining two times with his mother. I had also accepted very few calls, and we exchanged letters. He knows that I do not want to be with him and that I do not love him like that anymore. He says he saw that in the last visit, saw my lack of love for him in my eyes.
The last time I wrote to him was 5 months ago, and that was in response to a letter he wrote me. Saying the usual stuff like, thank you for always being there, I am so sorry for everything, your a great woman....blah blah. I believe he means those things, in his own way. I responded by saying thank you for the nice words, and then told him that I was sorry for all the times that I yelled at him for the things that he had done, sorry for kicking him out all of those times just when I knew I would only tell him to come back home. Sorry for treating him like a child, trying to control him. I also apologized for turning him in to the feds, which was something I lied to him about for all of those years. His response back to that was that he never heard me sound so grown up, and he thanked me. It felt really good people, good to admit that I was wrong in my behavior towards him, admit that I had some kind of hand with the bad stuff in the relationship. This program helped me do that.
For the last few months, I have been thinking about his release. I do not want to see him randomly anywhere, I am afraid how I might feel. Let's face it, it is my addiction to him that got me in the position I am in.
But at the same time, I still feel peace in my heart for where I am at today with myself. I have a teenager (17yrs) who is going to be a senior, and he is a great great kid! As a single Mom, I did a good job, I could not always say that as cause of the guilt I felt for staying with my ex. Today, working my program, I am proud to be able to SAY something like that, that I did a good job, I am a groovy Mom. Also, I love my job, I have been here 3 years and I dont call in sick like I used to at other jobs (you know how it goes, calling in sick due to *problems* or mental instability due to our addicts) My life is simple, drama free....NORMAL. And the cherry on top if it all is that I am single, practically single for these last 5 years, I have no desire or intentions of wanting a man around, maybe it is due to the scars, I dunno, but I am happy right now flying solo.
I do sometimes hear the little tiny voice saying *maybe he will be sober everyday for the rest of his life, and you can be together* And just about a minute after I hear that little voice........I tell it to SHUT UP. And then I am back in reality. My program has helped me back into reality yet once again! (besides can an addict who has been USING heroine in prison this whole time really be at his bottom?)
A small part of me is a little nervous for if/when he uses when he is here. If he gets angry at me for turning him in, he might look for me. Which is why....I have moved last month, got a nonpublished phone, took off my voice from my voicemail on the cell phone, deleted facebook...ect. I am not overly concerned about it, we never had an issue with physical abuse, but you never know what someone will do when they are high....hence him robbing the bank.
Thank you for listening to my long post. Felt good to talk about how I have been feeling, I dont talk to anyone about it. I tend to keep things to myself. I think in the past I have been trained to feel depressed when it comes to him, for the last few years I have been training myself that this is not the way it has to be.
Today I am ok.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sounds to me as if u are doing real well with out him around. if you have learned anything at all yuo know "hands off the addict". if he has been using herion in prison he will b right back in there before a year is out. he is not clean & does not plan to b. it is so much easier to stay clean on the inside that on the out side. keep the focus on your self & on your son. you do have alot to b praoud of & he needs to b able to have a fun drama free senior year. prayers for u & for your son,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Miss Tara
You sound like you are doing pretty doggone good flying solo! The last thing any of us need in our lives is someone who brings lots of drama with them. You keep doing what you're doing and you'll be A-ok. Your recovery is shining!
gentle hugs
ke
You sound like you are doing pretty doggone good flying solo! The last thing any of us need in our lives is someone who brings lots of drama with them. You keep doing what you're doing and you'll be A-ok. Your recovery is shining!
gentle hugs
ke
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I really like how you are able to view all the positives recovery has brought to you while at the same time acknowledging some fear and nervousness about his release and taking actions to keep you and your son safe. Imagine how easy it would be to fall into a victim role. But your strong recovery has helped you to face the issue, deal with it and be grateful for what you have...So impressive!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Wow, you sound great. I hope to be where you are someday. It is an inspiration. I am impressed with the actions you have taken to keep yourself safe just in case as well. Maybe this stuff does work, LOL! Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
MissTara,
I love this post, I love this program, I love what it has done for you, I love what it is doing for me, and I love YOU! Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. This is what it is all about.
I'm still pretty shell shocked from my experiences and very new to being on my own. It fills me with so much hope to read that after 5 years you are happy flying solo. I sometimes get into fears about the future, about being alone (ie without a "partner"), etc. I'm looking forward to getting to the point where that is all okay with me. I know that it will come in time.
I understand about that little voice that crops up. Thank heavens, the other voices are louder and are able to hush that one up! Glad that you have made it difficult for him to find you. I'm realizing that there are some people that I just need to stay completely away from. I know that addicts are supposed to stay away from playmates/playgrounds that they associate with using. I get that I have to do exactly the same thing. I can't play around "a little" with being friends, telephone conversations, emails. All of those things make it harder for me to stay emotionally sober.
Thanks for your post and it helps to hear how great you are doing!
I love this post, I love this program, I love what it has done for you, I love what it is doing for me, and I love YOU! Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. This is what it is all about.
I'm still pretty shell shocked from my experiences and very new to being on my own. It fills me with so much hope to read that after 5 years you are happy flying solo. I sometimes get into fears about the future, about being alone (ie without a "partner"), etc. I'm looking forward to getting to the point where that is all okay with me. I know that it will come in time.
I understand about that little voice that crops up. Thank heavens, the other voices are louder and are able to hush that one up! Glad that you have made it difficult for him to find you. I'm realizing that there are some people that I just need to stay completely away from. I know that addicts are supposed to stay away from playmates/playgrounds that they associate with using. I get that I have to do exactly the same thing. I can't play around "a little" with being friends, telephone conversations, emails. All of those things make it harder for me to stay emotionally sober.
Thanks for your post and it helps to hear how great you are doing!
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