Faking it till I feel it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 51
Faking it till I feel it
Well after our conversation Monday, when I told my AH(a little passive aggresively) what I intended to start doing for my life, I have gone out everyday and tried to enjoy myself and start doing things on my own with firends and family.
I even managed to change my own brakes because got tired of waiting on AH to get around to it. I have went bowling with my dad and boys, visited with family that I have neglected over the past few months. My AH has always told me I should take some college courses(in front of people to look good)well this week I have started to look into that for me. Most of the week has been really good, but some evenings when he gets home and I am practicing my detaching with love because he is still actively drinking I feel myself start to get down, but I just fake it. I make myself call a friend or family member and talk to them so I dont get down. I know that I am faking it, but I hope that if I fake it enough soon I will start to really feel the detachment where his actions and words don't have the same effect on me and my serinity. Thanks to all those who have shared with me it has been such a help to go to Alanon and here and know that I am not alone.
I even managed to change my own brakes because got tired of waiting on AH to get around to it. I have went bowling with my dad and boys, visited with family that I have neglected over the past few months. My AH has always told me I should take some college courses(in front of people to look good)well this week I have started to look into that for me. Most of the week has been really good, but some evenings when he gets home and I am practicing my detaching with love because he is still actively drinking I feel myself start to get down, but I just fake it. I make myself call a friend or family member and talk to them so I dont get down. I know that I am faking it, but I hope that if I fake it enough soon I will start to really feel the detachment where his actions and words don't have the same effect on me and my serinity. Thanks to all those who have shared with me it has been such a help to go to Alanon and here and know that I am not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Ahhh, yes. I've been doing this over the past three years or more and I am still doing it. I even told him I was disengaging, detaching, etc. and I think he's known for a while. I just joined this group yesterday and I am so glad I did.
But yes, It's OK and it's actually GOOD to do this in my opinion because we all need to learn how to detach if we have come to realize that helping this person, or them helping themselves proves to be futile. I think I still love my AH, but I am not IN love with him.
One thing that I like to do is just as you, when I am feeling down and he is home sitting in front of the TV drinking (and not playing with our son or engaging with me), is purposely pick up the phone in front of him and call my family or friends and just chit chat. Take our son and go for a walk WHILE I ask him if he wants to go along because I know he will say NO as he always does. Just drives my point home harder that he'd rather sit there in front of the TV and drink.
Yes, it helps you and me, keep our sanity to know that is their choice to do that, and we choose to be present in ours and our child's life.
Anyway, I started to babble. Have a great weekend and stay strong!
But yes, It's OK and it's actually GOOD to do this in my opinion because we all need to learn how to detach if we have come to realize that helping this person, or them helping themselves proves to be futile. I think I still love my AH, but I am not IN love with him.
One thing that I like to do is just as you, when I am feeling down and he is home sitting in front of the TV drinking (and not playing with our son or engaging with me), is purposely pick up the phone in front of him and call my family or friends and just chit chat. Take our son and go for a walk WHILE I ask him if he wants to go along because I know he will say NO as he always does. Just drives my point home harder that he'd rather sit there in front of the TV and drink.
Yes, it helps you and me, keep our sanity to know that is their choice to do that, and we choose to be present in ours and our child's life.
Anyway, I started to babble. Have a great weekend and stay strong!
That is so awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It takes a while for the feelings to catch up with the actions. I still have plenty of moments of self-doubt, but each adventure gets easier and my confidence in being alone and doing things by myself gets stronger. Its a process...and yes, I started out faking it until my heart could catch up with it all. Phew - it was hard at first.
And like Pelican says, there are plenty of "mature" students here (myself included) so keep us posted and go enroll!
Keep on keepin on!
~T
And like Pelican says, there are plenty of "mature" students here (myself included) so keep us posted and go enroll!
Keep on keepin on!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 51
Thanks for all the encouragement, I recently started to ask myself "what I want to be when I grow up?" which is funny for a 42 year old to do but I have been married on and off since I was 17 and have always tried to be what they wanted in a wife(total codie), so I don't know who I really am anymore so just trying to figure it out.
thanks tg for what you said about feelings catching up with actions, that is what I have been hoping. I was just determined that he would not see me defeated in any way. So I have just been concentrating on projecting a possitive attitude toward life even when I feel like I am at my lowest.
thanks tg for what you said about feelings catching up with actions, that is what I have been hoping. I was just determined that he would not see me defeated in any way. So I have just been concentrating on projecting a possitive attitude toward life even when I feel like I am at my lowest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Fake it til you make it girl!
Eventually it will dawn on you one day that you aren't faking it anymore. That will be a great awakening for you, i'm already looking forward to hearing about it when you have it!!
Eventually it will dawn on you one day that you aren't faking it anymore. That will be a great awakening for you, i'm already looking forward to hearing about it when you have it!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Rose - your post really struck home with me! Like you, I've been married 'on and off' since I was 18, and I'm 45 now. (Three marriages and one LTR.... serial monogamy is spelled S-y-l-v-i-e.)
I just picked up a very readable book, "What Should I Do With My Life". I'm not done yet, and I highly recommend it!
I was fairly constantly badgering my ABF to tell me what he wanted from the relationship - he just wants to be loved for who he is! And I want him to change, drastically. I am trying to figure out how to break up with him and still be friends. It may not be possible, but we're both willing to go to counseling.
Golly - a moment of CLARITY! I love this forum.
- Sylvie
I just picked up a very readable book, "What Should I Do With My Life". I'm not done yet, and I highly recommend it!
I was fairly constantly badgering my ABF to tell me what he wanted from the relationship - he just wants to be loved for who he is! And I want him to change, drastically. I am trying to figure out how to break up with him and still be friends. It may not be possible, but we're both willing to go to counseling.
Golly - a moment of CLARITY! I love this forum.
- Sylvie
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"Fake it till you make it" is a GREAT tool, IMO. We have a saying around AA, too, that it's easier to act your way into right thinking than it is to think your way into right acting.
If you act happy (even when you aren't), act confident (even when you don't feel it), you will soon start FEELING more happy and confident.
Go, YOU!
If you act happy (even when you aren't), act confident (even when you don't feel it), you will soon start FEELING more happy and confident.
Go, YOU!
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