littlelois

I know that none of you want to hear my problems, as we all have our own. However, I am looking for someone who can relate.

My little brother is an alcoholic and has tried several time to get sober. Well the longest he has gotten is to day 18 before he throws in the towel. Each time I pour my whole self into helping him stay positive and cheering him on. I love him so much and I am his only "person" he has pretty much burned all bridges with friends and the rest of our family. We lost our mother young and I took over the mother roll so I feel like I love him unconditionally. Well I am just so consumed with him that it is taking my attention and focus away from my husband and children. I am constantly texting or calling him just to make sure he is okay and not taking a drink. I dont know how to seperate myslef from this. I even take both my phones with me everywhere even to bed just in case he calls and needs me. I am seriously nauseated at times because I worry so much. I want him to be better and I want life to be easier for him.

I am so resentful of my husband tonight because he moved us far away and I cant be around my brother this weekend for the 4th to keep him company and stay sober.

Anyone else gone through this and have a solution that worked for you?

Thanks for reading my post!

yorkiegirl

Oh littlelois, I am feeling for you. Big hugs! You are a wonderful sister who has loved and cared for your brother, like his mother, assuming responsibilities that no one should have to.

Turning over your brother to the Universe is a gift you can give him. It must be so difficult for you to see him hurting and struggling. I've learned (the hard way) to give the addicts (alcohol addicts) in our lives their dignity (the dignity to walk their own path, even if it isn't the path we want for them). If he falls, give him the dignity to pick himself up (*if* that is meant to be). That may be the greatest gift you can give your brother right now, to let him go. By allowing your love (& worrying) for him to destroy you, your marriage, and your family (for your own children) isn't helping your brother or you. I know it's hard, but try to step away from your brother. Let him be. Pray for him from afar. Send him positive energy from afar. Love him from a distance. Detach with love from him. Take care of yourself, your husband and your family. You need you. Your husband and your children need you. It could be that your husband is sad & hurt to see you so consumed with your brother's struggles so he is trying to detach you/your family from him.

My situation is different. My sibling and I are really close. When my RAH was actively in his addiction, I was so consumed with my husband (and trying to help/save him). My sibling was so sad for me, trying to be there for me, the codie. He was the codie's codie! I was too consumed with the addict to see how much I hurt others. I know I hurt my sibling & everyone else so much by focusing on my then actively alcoholic husband to the point of neglecting myself and everyone else around me. It hurt them to see me destroying myself as a co-dependent.

Thinking of you littlelois. BIG HUGS!

You can't help anyone unless *you* are well-taken care of. Please take care of yourself (and your children & husband). Your post really touched me, littlelois.

yorkiegirl

I didn't even properly welcome you, littlelois. Welcome to SR! You are not alone. The people on this Forum are all wonderful. I've learned so much from their wisdom & experiences. I hope you will stick around and read other posts.

Sending positive energy your way!

bonami

littlelois - welcome! I am sorry you are suffering along with your brother; my situation is not the same, but I am guessing that there are others here who will be able to relate better to your story, so I just wanted to tell you that you are definitely in the right place; everyone here is very supportive and helpful.

LexieCat

Welcome,

You are in the right place. I suggest you find a local Al-Anon meeting, and get to one as soon as you can--the folks there will absolutely understand what you are dealing with and help you start detaching from what your brother is doing.

It's hard to accept, but it is absolutely true, that there is absolutely nothing WE can do (as friends and family) to control or to cure someone else's drinking problem. Our efforts to do that harm us, harm other people in our lives who need our attention (like your husband), and even harm the person we would like to help.

You aren't the drinking police. Your brother will drink if he wants to, whether you are there or not, until and unless he really makes a decision and starts doing the work that goes along with recovery from this disease. The people qualified to help him are other alcoholics, not you.

Hugs, glad you are here.

StevieWonder

You're such a wonderful woman! He's so lucky to have someone like you in his life.

You do have to realize though your brother makes his own decisions. You've done all that you can do but you have to live your own life as well. He'll suck your love dry if you let him. Sometimes you have to let people fall in order for them to make changes.

TakingCharge999

Hi littlelois,

Have you considered going to counseling/therapy? it has been my #1 source of peace. I feel much better now even when an alcoholic ex keeps drinking, my mom is still super codependent/lazy/depressed, my dad is still away from me in every sense, well, life is going on as usual and people are still who they are...

Therapy helped me see the difference between illusion and reality and finally it sank in that regardless of anyone and anything I can feel good!!

I also suggest the book Codependent no more by Melody Beatty. An eye-opener.

LifeRecovery

Welcome-

Thanks for your post it has touched me so much. I have been out of my marriage to a person living with problem drinking now for a little less then a year. My ex-husband and my younger brother are very similar in personality, outlook on life and the way that they use alcohol. They were good friends.

As I have been working through my feelings of divorce, codependency etc in my relationship with my ex-husband it has helped me to see that I have bigger pieces to learn in my own life. I came into my relationship with my husband ready to take care of him, support him through the struggles of alcohol use etc. It is what I had always done with my brother. Now I feel I am learning the tools to have healthy relationships with everyone in my life. My relationship with my brother was "tested" this week and while far from perfect my reaction was much safer and saner than it has been in the past.

I hope you find the same. Al-Anon, Open AA meetings, therapy, yoga, Rolfing (a type of massage), dogs and hope that I am capable of change have all been a part of that for me. I know you can find what works for you and heal for yourself.

littlelois

To all of you!!
Thank you so much for your advice. I am blessed to have found this webiste. I hope you all are able to have a nice, relaxing 4th of July. To those who are recovering, I pray you will have strength to get through sober, and to those who are the supporters I pray we will be able to get through without constantly worrying and enjoy the day for ourselves.

I found this quote I kinda like:
"Be kinder than necessary to people you meet because everyone is battling something."

StevieWonder

littlelois,

I just joined this site about a week ago. It's the best decision I've made. I was dating someone for a couple of months that had problems with booze and pot.

My pain is easing (we were together only 4 months) but I can only imagine how you feel. I went 2 weeks without sleep, had anxiety, etc b/c I loved her, yet I was scared to love her (does that make sense?)

Keep posting on this site. Everyone here is extremely helpful!

BTW - When I get anxiety I pull up the following prayers on my phone...

Prayer for the Sick
Omnipotent and eternal God, the everlasting Salvation of those who believe, hear us on behalf of Thy sick servant, (insert name), for whom we beg the aid of Thy pitying mercy, that, with his/her bodily health restored, he/she may give thanks to Thee in Thy church. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

To Saint Peregrine
O great St. Peregrine, you have been called "The Mighty," "The Wonder-Worker," because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you. For so many years you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being, and who had recourse to the source of all grace when the power of man could do no more. You were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction. Ask of God and Our Lady, the cure of the sick whom we entrust to you. (Pause here and silently recall the names of the sick for whom you are praying)

Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing to God, now and for all eternity, a song of gratitude for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.