Support What is my role?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Support What is my role?
Hello,
I just found this site while I was searching for answers and hope I am in the right place.
My 22 year old sister is in a sober house right now. She has two daughters ages 2 and 4 who are living with my parents. She is expected to be there for at least 3 months.
Mothers Day weekend, my sister took too many of her perscribed antidepressants and drank. She was staying at her mother in law's house while my mother watched the girls. She started vomiting and asked her mother in law to call an ambulance. When she got to the hospital she was barely coherent and the doctor asked if she tried to kill herself. She told them she did. She was transported to a psych ward and stayed there 1 week. She started day therapy for bipolar disorder but was still allowed to go out at night while my parents watched the girls and we all knew she was going out to get drunk but used the excuse that we can't control her behavior. The following week she had a breakdown in day therapy and was uncontrollably shaking. They admitted her to another hospital and said they were going to treat her acute depression and alcoholism. She stayed there another week and was released for day therapy again. When the weekend came, she took her daughters to her mother in laws house and got drunk. She was admitted again and stayed another week and a half in a treatment program and has now been moved to a sober house where she is now.
My sister has admitted to manipulating people. She is the greatest story teller I have ever met and will lie for no reason at all. Even when she is caught she still lies. I saw her for the first time yesterday since she had her last episode. She told me she had been also sniffing her antidepressant pills and had tried heroine. Would someone lie about that? I have no idea what to believe anymore. She didn't tell my mom about her other drug use and I felt like I saw a tender more vulnerable side of her. Is she just playing me? My other 2 sisters are not talking to her because they are so angry and think she is a monster. Will there ever be a time that she will apologize for putting the family through this? Or say thank you to everyone who has helped out with her children? Sometimes I don't even think she cares about any of us or her kids. Is it immaturity? I am really struggling trying to wrap my head around where she is coming from.
I feel bad for my nieces and my parents. My father is a retired teacher and has the girls all day. My mother works 8-5 and has put her job at risk by taking time off of work through all of this. My sister has repeatedly manipulated and lied to my mother. Even through all that my mother has done for her, she still has the audacity to hang up on my mother when she calls the sober house or throw a fit about something. She is an awful role model with her immature behavior for her daughters.
While I am angry at my sister, I cannot carry it around with me so I try to be supportive and non judgemental toward her when I talk with my mother. It makes me feel better blaming a disease on her actions. Part of me sometimes feels that she just wants a break from her kids and this sober house is giving her a vacation. Is that crazy? I go back and forth with these emotions.
Aside from the alcohol, my sister has been very fortunate. She got pregnant at 16 when she had her first baby and my mother has been there to support her financially and emotionally every step of the way. She hasn't had to work a day in her life and often would complain when my parents weren't in the mood to watch her kids after they both worked. When she would get sick of that, she would move back with her husband who is in the military, stay a few months, and then decided she couldn't take living with him either and would come back home to live with my parents. All the while she would tell us she came back because he was abusive. Now we are finding out that she started going out every night and getting drunk when she was living with her husband. Guess there is 2 sides to every story.
Sorry for such a long post. I want to be there for my sister and I want to be there for my mother who is so involved in this. I want to know what is best for her children. My mother and I are going to our first Al-Anon meeting on Sunday. I just had to get some this poison out.
I just found this site while I was searching for answers and hope I am in the right place.
My 22 year old sister is in a sober house right now. She has two daughters ages 2 and 4 who are living with my parents. She is expected to be there for at least 3 months.
Mothers Day weekend, my sister took too many of her perscribed antidepressants and drank. She was staying at her mother in law's house while my mother watched the girls. She started vomiting and asked her mother in law to call an ambulance. When she got to the hospital she was barely coherent and the doctor asked if she tried to kill herself. She told them she did. She was transported to a psych ward and stayed there 1 week. She started day therapy for bipolar disorder but was still allowed to go out at night while my parents watched the girls and we all knew she was going out to get drunk but used the excuse that we can't control her behavior. The following week she had a breakdown in day therapy and was uncontrollably shaking. They admitted her to another hospital and said they were going to treat her acute depression and alcoholism. She stayed there another week and was released for day therapy again. When the weekend came, she took her daughters to her mother in laws house and got drunk. She was admitted again and stayed another week and a half in a treatment program and has now been moved to a sober house where she is now.
My sister has admitted to manipulating people. She is the greatest story teller I have ever met and will lie for no reason at all. Even when she is caught she still lies. I saw her for the first time yesterday since she had her last episode. She told me she had been also sniffing her antidepressant pills and had tried heroine. Would someone lie about that? I have no idea what to believe anymore. She didn't tell my mom about her other drug use and I felt like I saw a tender more vulnerable side of her. Is she just playing me? My other 2 sisters are not talking to her because they are so angry and think she is a monster. Will there ever be a time that she will apologize for putting the family through this? Or say thank you to everyone who has helped out with her children? Sometimes I don't even think she cares about any of us or her kids. Is it immaturity? I am really struggling trying to wrap my head around where she is coming from.
I feel bad for my nieces and my parents. My father is a retired teacher and has the girls all day. My mother works 8-5 and has put her job at risk by taking time off of work through all of this. My sister has repeatedly manipulated and lied to my mother. Even through all that my mother has done for her, she still has the audacity to hang up on my mother when she calls the sober house or throw a fit about something. She is an awful role model with her immature behavior for her daughters.
While I am angry at my sister, I cannot carry it around with me so I try to be supportive and non judgemental toward her when I talk with my mother. It makes me feel better blaming a disease on her actions. Part of me sometimes feels that she just wants a break from her kids and this sober house is giving her a vacation. Is that crazy? I go back and forth with these emotions.
Aside from the alcohol, my sister has been very fortunate. She got pregnant at 16 when she had her first baby and my mother has been there to support her financially and emotionally every step of the way. She hasn't had to work a day in her life and often would complain when my parents weren't in the mood to watch her kids after they both worked. When she would get sick of that, she would move back with her husband who is in the military, stay a few months, and then decided she couldn't take living with him either and would come back home to live with my parents. All the while she would tell us she came back because he was abusive. Now we are finding out that she started going out every night and getting drunk when she was living with her husband. Guess there is 2 sides to every story.
Sorry for such a long post. I want to be there for my sister and I want to be there for my mother who is so involved in this. I want to know what is best for her children. My mother and I are going to our first Al-Anon meeting on Sunday. I just had to get some this poison out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad to have you here with us.
Also glad you and your mom are headed to Al-Anon.
Your sister's dual diagnosis does make things a little more complicated than if she were dealing with "only" bipolar disorder or alcoholism. Either way, though, the person who is ill is responsible for her own recovery. In your sister's case, that means taking the prescribed medications, cooperating with her therapists, and hopefully throwing herself into 12-Step recovery for her addiction to alcohol.
The problem, of course, is that she might not be ready to do those things. Apart from making sure her kids are safe and cared for, you and your mom can learn to detach from the rest of the craziness.
It doesn't hurt to have compassion for your sister. Just don't let it blind you to what is hers to deal with. Take care of yourself first, and with time things will become clearer.
Also glad you and your mom are headed to Al-Anon.
Your sister's dual diagnosis does make things a little more complicated than if she were dealing with "only" bipolar disorder or alcoholism. Either way, though, the person who is ill is responsible for her own recovery. In your sister's case, that means taking the prescribed medications, cooperating with her therapists, and hopefully throwing herself into 12-Step recovery for her addiction to alcohol.
The problem, of course, is that she might not be ready to do those things. Apart from making sure her kids are safe and cared for, you and your mom can learn to detach from the rest of the craziness.
It doesn't hurt to have compassion for your sister. Just don't let it blind you to what is hers to deal with. Take care of yourself first, and with time things will become clearer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. It is hard to watch someone self destruct and easy to feel powerless to stop it. But you (we) are powerless over others...
What you can do is be strong for yourself and your family and watch over those little girls who are suffering right now, too.
Be the best Aunt you can be. Say a prayer for your sister that she finds her way to sobriety and try to have compassion and empathy for someone struggling with their inner demons.
And then don't forget to laugh and smile and enjoy life, even in the midst of trauma.
Keep coming back!
~T
What you can do is be strong for yourself and your family and watch over those little girls who are suffering right now, too.
Be the best Aunt you can be. Say a prayer for your sister that she finds her way to sobriety and try to have compassion and empathy for someone struggling with their inner demons.
And then don't forget to laugh and smile and enjoy life, even in the midst of trauma.
Keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome, Chloe,
Lying and manipulation are a very large part of addiction and alcoholism. Personally, I no longer believe a single thing XAH tells me that can not be readily confirmed. It's not to say I was never taken in, believe me, I was, but, meh... Now he could tell me the sky was blue and I'd look up to check it. There are a lot of things that I never thought a person would lie about, but XAH did. The biggest whopper being that he had cancer. Why? Why would he lie about it? Who knows. I'll never understand. But that is just one reason out of many, that I no longer trust anything he says.
An apology or thanks? IME, not while she's actively using and probably not for quite a while down the road after she's started working towards recovery - or at least not a sincere one. The thing about alcoholism and addictions, I think that it's not necessarily that they don't love their family, it's just that the alcohol or drug completely overshadows everything.
I think that as long as your sister has some one to catch her, she's going to keep on doing the same. It sounds like she's able to go from her husband to her parents house and back when ever she's done with a certain set of rules. I don't see how this could help her. I see very clearly how it's important for your nieces, though, and I'm glad your parents are able to help them. Have you thought that perhaps the best way to support your sister may be to let her be the leading force in her own recovery and simply helping your parents with your nieces might be a major support?
One book that I really like is The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones. I got it for DS when he was 4. He doesn't want to read it all the time, but when he needs it, he lets me know. He's 6 now. Sometimes it hurts too much, I think, and sometimes, he needs to know it's not his fault.
Glad you're reaching out for support. I wish you peace and continued strength.
Originally Posted by chloe214 
My sister has admitted to manipulating people.
Originally Posted by chloe214
Will there ever be a time that she will apologize for putting the family through this? Or say thank you to everyone who has helped out with her children? Sometimes I don't even think she cares about any of us or her kids. Is it immaturity?
I think that as long as your sister has some one to catch her, she's going to keep on doing the same. It sounds like she's able to go from her husband to her parents house and back when ever she's done with a certain set of rules. I don't see how this could help her. I see very clearly how it's important for your nieces, though, and I'm glad your parents are able to help them. Have you thought that perhaps the best way to support your sister may be to let her be the leading force in her own recovery and simply helping your parents with your nieces might be a major support?
Originally Posted by chloe214
Sorry for such a long post. I want to be there for my sister and I want to be there for my mother who is so involved in this. I want to know what is best for her children. My mother and I are going to our first Al-Anon meeting on Sunday. I just had to get some this poison out.
Glad you're reaching out for support. I wish you peace and continued strength.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
You have a sister's heart. That is a beautiful thing in this world. Yes, I believe Al-anon is a great place for you and your mother to be. One of the things you might keep in mind is that several of us had to try a couple of Al-anon meetings, times, or locations to find one that 'fit' right.
There's a lot of information available ^ on the stickies that may be helpful as well. I found some answers to my confusion in the pages of AA's Big Book, the daily devotional "Courage to Change", and in a book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More".
The Al-anon meeting I attend is comprised of mostly parents of adult children who are alcoholics, a few siblings, and then very few of us 'couples'. Even though I started going because of the alcoholism in my family through my ABF, I gained a whole lot of insight from the parents and siblings of alcoholics. I am also a surviving adult child of an alcoholic (my bio-dad).
It is a wonderful gift you possess to want to love your sister. The best 'advice' I have for you is not to do anything for her that she could do for herself, and look after your little nieces, not for *her* but for them. Keep your boundaries clear and your integrity intact. With this disease in a family, these things are challenging.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks so much for all your advice, input, and words of encouragemet! It means so much. I am really looking forward to the meeting on Sunday and thank you skippernlilg for giving me the heads up that we might need to go to a few before we find the right one. I wouldn't have thought of it. My other sister who is having a really hard time (she is very angry) is going to the meeting with us too. The three of us had met with my sister's counselor when she got out of her first week of treatment after the attempted suicide. We were all craving some answers on how to support her, what boundaries needed to be set etc. The counselor basically let my sister dictate how we were going to help her. She let her set the boundaries and we all walked on eggshells when she got home. I'm hoping Al-Anon will give us better insight on support vs enabling and my mom really needs to hear it.
It seems like everyone is reinforcing the same thing. My sister has to choose her recovery and the family needs to set boundaries which we have not done at all. Just yesterday, she called my mom and told her she got to flat tires on her way to an AA meeting. And of course as usual my mom foot the bill for that because she thinks she needs a car to go to these meetings. No one else at the sober house has a car.
My nieces are the sweetest girls in the world. I will check out that book The Brown Bottle since we are all tiptoeing around what to say besides her mommy is sick. The four year old loves to be read to! I guess on the more positive side, this situation has let me spend a lot of time with my nieces. The 4 year old just recently learned how to spell her name by singing a song. I'm so proud of her and glad I can share in these moments.
Thank you all again for your support. I hope I can soon start responding back to people who are going through the same thing. You all have really helped so much! My prayers are also with you and your families.
It seems like everyone is reinforcing the same thing. My sister has to choose her recovery and the family needs to set boundaries which we have not done at all. Just yesterday, she called my mom and told her she got to flat tires on her way to an AA meeting. And of course as usual my mom foot the bill for that because she thinks she needs a car to go to these meetings. No one else at the sober house has a car.
My nieces are the sweetest girls in the world. I will check out that book The Brown Bottle since we are all tiptoeing around what to say besides her mommy is sick. The four year old loves to be read to! I guess on the more positive side, this situation has let me spend a lot of time with my nieces. The 4 year old just recently learned how to spell her name by singing a song. I'm so proud of her and glad I can share in these moments.
Thank you all again for your support. I hope I can soon start responding back to people who are going through the same thing. You all have really helped so much! My prayers are also with you and your families.
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