My verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic-diabetic husband is killing himself....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
My verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic-diabetic husband is killing himself....
with alcohol..... at least that is what someone told me.
What a mouthful huh? Well, it's all true - he's all of the above so we have our hands full. I won't go in depth here, but I and our 9 yo son have been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse for 8 years now and I'm taking the steps needed (albeit slowly but I'm getting closer - met with counselor 2x in last month and now making appt. with attorney) to get out of the loveless marriage and him (our son) into a safer, happier environment.
He's had diabetes since 1998. From 1998 to 2010 he never monitored, tested or treated himself other than taking his medication. Since 2011 when he was referred to an Endocronologist he has begun counting carbs and really watching his whole regimen and taking his insulin according to what he eats.
Now, the biggee, for years (pretty much the last 8 years - go figure!), he has drank 4-5+ drinks EVERY single day. He goes through a LARGE/plastic bottle of booze every week, sometimes more. He never gets drunk per se, but he sometimes this contributes even more to his abuse. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem and will deny it until the day he dies which from what I am told isn't too far off.
What is this alcohol doing to him when it's consumed in this quantity? Is he an alcoholic if he doesn't get "drunk"? He's in otherwise good health, he quit smoking two years ago almost now.
As you know in an abusive relationship, "they can do no wrong", so of course not only the drinking is ok, but everything that is wrong in our marriage is MY FAULT. Anyway, I'm just curious if it is ok to drink this much and how alcohol (specifically booze - 4-5 drinks - with 3-4 shots in each one) will cause to the human body who is diabetic. I guess I'm just looking for validation that he is truly an alcoholic "or not".
Thank you so much.
What a mouthful huh? Well, it's all true - he's all of the above so we have our hands full. I won't go in depth here, but I and our 9 yo son have been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse for 8 years now and I'm taking the steps needed (albeit slowly but I'm getting closer - met with counselor 2x in last month and now making appt. with attorney) to get out of the loveless marriage and him (our son) into a safer, happier environment.
He's had diabetes since 1998. From 1998 to 2010 he never monitored, tested or treated himself other than taking his medication. Since 2011 when he was referred to an Endocronologist he has begun counting carbs and really watching his whole regimen and taking his insulin according to what he eats.
Now, the biggee, for years (pretty much the last 8 years - go figure!), he has drank 4-5+ drinks EVERY single day. He goes through a LARGE/plastic bottle of booze every week, sometimes more. He never gets drunk per se, but he sometimes this contributes even more to his abuse. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem and will deny it until the day he dies which from what I am told isn't too far off.
What is this alcohol doing to him when it's consumed in this quantity? Is he an alcoholic if he doesn't get "drunk"? He's in otherwise good health, he quit smoking two years ago almost now.
As you know in an abusive relationship, "they can do no wrong", so of course not only the drinking is ok, but everything that is wrong in our marriage is MY FAULT. Anyway, I'm just curious if it is ok to drink this much and how alcohol (specifically booze - 4-5 drinks - with 3-4 shots in each one) will cause to the human body who is diabetic. I guess I'm just looking for validation that he is truly an alcoholic "or not".
Thank you so much.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I agree it really doesn't matter. His actions are unacceptable to you and your son, so it doesn't really matter if he is an alcoholic. Alcoholism isn't determined by how much one drinks or how often. It is determined by what happens when alcohol is consumed. Being a diabetic, he shouldn't be drinking at all, but it's his life to do with as he chooses. It's also your life and that of your son to choose to remove yourselves from the abuse.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
4-5 shots per drink of 4-5+ drinks is more like 20 drinks a day....mixed with his diabetes medication it is a lethal combination and yes he could do some permanent damage.
I hope you can do what you need to for you and your son...and as you are still legally married at this point, be sure his life insurance is up to date and pay the premiums.
I hope you can do what you need to for you and your son...and as you are still legally married at this point, be sure his life insurance is up to date and pay the premiums.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hello Qbert, and welcome to SR! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you found us.
I can't begin to imagine what the alcohol is doing to him internally with the diabetes. It's hard enough on a healthy body!
I think it's great you are working on getting your son out of that toxic environment. Is your son in any sort of therapy or counseling?
I'd like to recommend Alanon to you as we need to heal from the effects of another's alcoholism, and Alanon is a great place to do that.
I divorced my alcoholic husband a long time ago, but found that Alanon still to this day helps me live a full and reasonably happy life.
Again, welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends, okay?
I can't begin to imagine what the alcohol is doing to him internally with the diabetes. It's hard enough on a healthy body!
I think it's great you are working on getting your son out of that toxic environment. Is your son in any sort of therapy or counseling?
I'd like to recommend Alanon to you as we need to heal from the effects of another's alcoholism, and Alanon is a great place to do that.
I divorced my alcoholic husband a long time ago, but found that Alanon still to this day helps me live a full and reasonably happy life.
Again, welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends, okay?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Hi qbert,
Welcome to SR! I hope you will get a chance to stick around and read some of the posts around here! Hopefully you will learn things that will help you along your journey.
To answer your question- I think that if your husband's drinking is enough of an issue to post on this forum and seek out opinions, yes he is an alcoholic. Even though he does not appear to be drunk, a lot of times the emotional and verbal abuse you are experiencing are tied into the alcoholism.
Heavy drinking can take a SERIOUS toll on a normal body let alone someone who is diabetic. With the amount of sugar in alcohol, the LAST thing he should be doing is drinking regularly. Does he test his blood sugar on a daily basis? Although this may sound harsh, you should be particularly concerned about the possibilities of liver failure from the drinking or from slipping into a diabetic coma if blood sugar levels either become extremely high or low. Those are some of the more serious possible outcomes, but things to be aware of.
Welcome to SR! I hope you will get a chance to stick around and read some of the posts around here! Hopefully you will learn things that will help you along your journey.
To answer your question- I think that if your husband's drinking is enough of an issue to post on this forum and seek out opinions, yes he is an alcoholic. Even though he does not appear to be drunk, a lot of times the emotional and verbal abuse you are experiencing are tied into the alcoholism.
Heavy drinking can take a SERIOUS toll on a normal body let alone someone who is diabetic. With the amount of sugar in alcohol, the LAST thing he should be doing is drinking regularly. Does he test his blood sugar on a daily basis? Although this may sound harsh, you should be particularly concerned about the possibilities of liver failure from the drinking or from slipping into a diabetic coma if blood sugar levels either become extremely high or low. Those are some of the more serious possible outcomes, but things to be aware of.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Thank you everyone for the great support you've sent. You are right, why do I need to know if he's an alcoholic? I already know that - I don't even know why I posted that question other than it was a way for me to introduce myself and get my foot in and get some validation. I have all the validation I need from my family that should be enough, but I also am glad to know I received it from people who are going through the same thing. I have been doing so much soul searching over this past week and have come to realize this has consumed me so much on a daily basis I am falling into a depression.
I am a breast cancer survivor of one year (12/2009) and my hair, eye lashes and eyebrows have just grown back to a good length. He tells me I am fat and lazy all the time. You know going through chemo you'd think you would lose weight - nope! They put you on so many anti nausea meds, you actually gain now a days LOL! I'm just thankful to the man above I am still here. Then he had the nerve one day to bitch because I was using the hairdryer and waking him up! Nice - at least my hair grew back (some don't). My Dr. told me during chemo I needed to slow down, not work full time, stop bringing my laptop to chemo and herceptin treatments, and take it easy because I was getting so sick and dehydrated. AH says to me "why did he tell you that - it's not like you have a job like mine (physical labor)". I have worked full-time since I was 18 years old and he thinks I'm lazy and I don't have a real job? I am a manager in a fiscal position and my job isn't "a job". Nice! I am 41 and he is 45 by the way for a little background.
I try to do anything and everything which involves me being away from with our son - when AH is home. He now accuses me of not spending any time with him, his jealous has become increasingly out of hand over the past two weeks and it's never been like this. I've really paid attention and looked back at now he's asking who was on the phone, last night I told him son went to Gr and GR's for the night and he said "so you are home alone huh?" What? Of course I'm home alone. Last Fri. night as I was on a pontoon boat ride with some work friends he accused me of being out to try to pick someone up (but not in those words) his exact words were "no you don't know anyone there YEEEETTTTT". WOW, I was so hurt by this.
Anyway, I'm glad to know you are all here for me and I will also be here for you. I've finally found a place I can call home. I've tried other message boards, but they just don't compare to this one. This is the one I need, this is where I'll stay.
Next step, see how the weekend goes. He is on a shift where he is not home during the evenings. I am going to do everything I can with our son (yes, I try to make up for the dysfunction my husband causes), take him to a baseball game tonight, tomorrow, see Cars2 movie and go visit a friend, Monday 4th of July activities. I can't wait. I've been surfing the internet for a list of things I should do to make the transition smooth when I do give him the word that I want a separation. I need to do some of those things, open a personal savings, make copies of all personal documents or remove them completely, get all my personal stuff off of our computer (I erase cookies every night), pack emergency bags, etc.
When I told him 2 weeks ago during a fight I wanted a separation (it just came out of my mouth - and it surprised me as much as it did him), he flew off the handle and screamed at me "get out, get the F*** out" and pointed at the door. I then said "I didn't mean that", but I did, but I took it back because son was home and his friend was over and I didn't want things to escalate. There is ended - no more talk about it.
Anyway, gotta go get to work. The boss will be here pretty soon LOL
Have a great holiday weekend everyone!
I am a breast cancer survivor of one year (12/2009) and my hair, eye lashes and eyebrows have just grown back to a good length. He tells me I am fat and lazy all the time. You know going through chemo you'd think you would lose weight - nope! They put you on so many anti nausea meds, you actually gain now a days LOL! I'm just thankful to the man above I am still here. Then he had the nerve one day to bitch because I was using the hairdryer and waking him up! Nice - at least my hair grew back (some don't). My Dr. told me during chemo I needed to slow down, not work full time, stop bringing my laptop to chemo and herceptin treatments, and take it easy because I was getting so sick and dehydrated. AH says to me "why did he tell you that - it's not like you have a job like mine (physical labor)". I have worked full-time since I was 18 years old and he thinks I'm lazy and I don't have a real job? I am a manager in a fiscal position and my job isn't "a job". Nice! I am 41 and he is 45 by the way for a little background.
I try to do anything and everything which involves me being away from with our son - when AH is home. He now accuses me of not spending any time with him, his jealous has become increasingly out of hand over the past two weeks and it's never been like this. I've really paid attention and looked back at now he's asking who was on the phone, last night I told him son went to Gr and GR's for the night and he said "so you are home alone huh?" What? Of course I'm home alone. Last Fri. night as I was on a pontoon boat ride with some work friends he accused me of being out to try to pick someone up (but not in those words) his exact words were "no you don't know anyone there YEEEETTTTT". WOW, I was so hurt by this.
Anyway, I'm glad to know you are all here for me and I will also be here for you. I've finally found a place I can call home. I've tried other message boards, but they just don't compare to this one. This is the one I need, this is where I'll stay.
Next step, see how the weekend goes. He is on a shift where he is not home during the evenings. I am going to do everything I can with our son (yes, I try to make up for the dysfunction my husband causes), take him to a baseball game tonight, tomorrow, see Cars2 movie and go visit a friend, Monday 4th of July activities. I can't wait. I've been surfing the internet for a list of things I should do to make the transition smooth when I do give him the word that I want a separation. I need to do some of those things, open a personal savings, make copies of all personal documents or remove them completely, get all my personal stuff off of our computer (I erase cookies every night), pack emergency bags, etc.
When I told him 2 weeks ago during a fight I wanted a separation (it just came out of my mouth - and it surprised me as much as it did him), he flew off the handle and screamed at me "get out, get the F*** out" and pointed at the door. I then said "I didn't mean that", but I did, but I took it back because son was home and his friend was over and I didn't want things to escalate. There is ended - no more talk about it.
Anyway, gotta go get to work. The boss will be here pretty soon LOL
Have a great holiday weekend everyone!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He sounds like a real A$$hole, drunk or sober....start putting whatever money you squirrel aside from the joint account...(BTW, I started my divorce retainer with $7.00 from the grocery tab, hidden in a book)...open up a separate checking account, maybe use family member's address for now.
He has NO right to order you from the home I am assuming your house is jointly owned. at this point make separating your priority.
congrats on planning a nice weekend, keep your friends and family support to keep your spirits up...better days are coming....you sound like a very strong, smart woman. be sure not to neglect your doctor follow-ups...the stress is hard on your body.
He has NO right to order you from the home I am assuming your house is jointly owned. at this point make separating your priority.
congrats on planning a nice weekend, keep your friends and family support to keep your spirits up...better days are coming....you sound like a very strong, smart woman. be sure not to neglect your doctor follow-ups...the stress is hard on your body.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
((((qbert)))) Congrats on kicking cancer's butt!!!!!!!!!!!
Reading a post from you sounds exactly (even down to your job field) like mine! I was exatly where you are now three years ago. It has gotten SO bad, there is no other choice for me other than divorce. For my sanity and the children's.
Fandy made a great point about the $$. Start squirreling. I opened my own checking account two years ago and it has been a savior to me right now! He just wiped out our joint savings and then called to tell me about it. On top of that he proceeded to tell me what he was going to be charging on the joint checking. Well, no way buddy - bills have to be paid! I left work to go and withdraw most of the money from our joint checking so that I won't be left w/ bouncing checks & payments.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - protect yourself and your son. There is no predicting the craziness that will be sure to ensue. For me, I know it's worth it. There will peace once the storm has passed.
Reading a post from you sounds exactly (even down to your job field) like mine! I was exatly where you are now three years ago. It has gotten SO bad, there is no other choice for me other than divorce. For my sanity and the children's.
Fandy made a great point about the $$. Start squirreling. I opened my own checking account two years ago and it has been a savior to me right now! He just wiped out our joint savings and then called to tell me about it. On top of that he proceeded to tell me what he was going to be charging on the joint checking. Well, no way buddy - bills have to be paid! I left work to go and withdraw most of the money from our joint checking so that I won't be left w/ bouncing checks & payments.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - protect yourself and your son. There is no predicting the craziness that will be sure to ensue. For me, I know it's worth it. There will peace once the storm has passed.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
my X-hsuband (bless his evil little heart, RIP or he's toasting his tootsies), cleaned out our joint bank account as soon as he got wind of my wanting a divorce...it's really hard to get it back once they pretend to spend it and actually hide it(he had his grandmother open an account). that 21K would have made my debts go away much sooner, but i bit the bullet and just paid it off.
you can be subtle and start diverting joint $$ in small amounts.
you can be subtle and start diverting joint $$ in small amounts.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Qbert reading this thread has really helped me. I've been posting about my sadness over the separation of me and RAH, that he left me and our 3yr old daughter and I realize things can always be worse. I too, like you, had cancer and still do but I'm getting a hysterectemy in Sept to alleviate that problem but my eyebrows won't grow back in full so I use a pencil and he literally has made fun of me for that when he's drunk. I guess I should be thankful she's 3 and can't fully comprehend as your 9yr old can. I am gaining strength seeing you do it because to me you are fighting a harder battle than I. So prayers and well wishes to you and just keep posting here and reading on here and I promise you it will help you get through the hard times! Take care.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Yes I will try it. =) Gives me something else to occupy my time. RAH actually just had audacity to text me if I could put our cooler on the porch so he could come and get it. He bought it so I did. Funny that he had no money a few days ago when he asked me for $50 and now he has money to buy something to put in a cooler and actually go somewhere?? Obviously he was just manipulating me to give him $50 for his car repair. Only a few more hours and it will be the 1st "no contact" vacation...4 days of nothing and I'm excited. I believe once I make it a habit, I will be ok.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
comes in a navyblue/white tube by L'Oreal..sometimes they have a double pack deal with the mascara too...promotes lash growth...(but you can also use it on your eyebrows).. sorry, i cannot remember the exact name.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I felt obligated to check the tube when i came home..."L'Oreal Lash Serum.....18 oz.
Navy blue top part, white/clear bottom part..I bought it at walmart....you apply it at night when you take your mascara off and again in the morning before mascara.
it is just as good as the expensive one from Sephora. at that price you can get one for the eye brows and one for the lashes...(cross contamination can cause Pink Eye)...or I use the one for about a month on my lashes and then buy a new one for my lashes and mark the old one for the brows.
Navy blue top part, white/clear bottom part..I bought it at walmart....you apply it at night when you take your mascara off and again in the morning before mascara.
it is just as good as the expensive one from Sephora. at that price you can get one for the eye brows and one for the lashes...(cross contamination can cause Pink Eye)...or I use the one for about a month on my lashes and then buy a new one for my lashes and mark the old one for the brows.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Hi everyone. I'm returning for an update as it's been about six months. On New Year's Day I decided I'd had enough. In October, he horribly embarressed me in a bar in front of a lot of people because he was so wasted he screamed at the top of his lungs (over nothing) and called me a FIIIII BITII and then forgot about it 15 min later. Oh, there's so much more to this story......When I returned to work on the 3rd, I called an Attorney. From there, the ball has been rolling and will not stop. He is going away on a fishing trip soon for a week and during that time my son and myself will be vacating the house and two weeks later, I am going to have him served w/divorce papers. I've had enough, I'm done. Six years I've tried and tried to get him to see the light that he is angry all the time and he should stop drinking. For six year's he's continued to belittle me, belittle our son, get angry over the dumbest things, he's become overly obsessive as to who I'm with where I'm going and on and on and calls me at work all the time and even at home when he's on shift work at night to see when I got home. If I'm home an hour later than normal, he asks where I've been and if I tell him oh me and son went out to eat at Subway then I get yelled at because we didn't eat the leftovers in the fridge.
Anyhoo, I'm getting off track here. So....................., I'm slowly packing, I got a savings account, a storage unit and I've been squirreling little things out, important things. I have all the important papers I need. I've applied for a forwarding address to my parents where son and I will be staying. I am going to take my 1/2 of all the money before he comes home from fishing. I can't wait actually, each day that gets closer I dream of what my new life is going to be like and how different it will be not walking on egg shells every day. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, wish me luck and pray for safety for me and my son (9). It's not going to be easy, it will hurt, but I am stronger than HE thinks I am! Cheers - Qbert
Anyhoo, I'm getting off track here. So....................., I'm slowly packing, I got a savings account, a storage unit and I've been squirreling little things out, important things. I have all the important papers I need. I've applied for a forwarding address to my parents where son and I will be staying. I am going to take my 1/2 of all the money before he comes home from fishing. I can't wait actually, each day that gets closer I dream of what my new life is going to be like and how different it will be not walking on egg shells every day. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, wish me luck and pray for safety for me and my son (9). It's not going to be easy, it will hurt, but I am stronger than HE thinks I am! Cheers - Qbert
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
So glad you checked back in with us, and it sure sounds like you are moving forward in a positive way for yourself and your son! Good for you! I hope you continue to keep in touch here at SR and share your journey with us. What you share just might help someone else.
Sending you hugs of support.
Sending you hugs of support.
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