bonami

Today I am feeling sad and just wanted to let it out a bit among people who understand. I found out that my RAF (is that right? ) had a meeting with the boss and his team member the other day about his status. So I am thinking perhaps he is finished with his outpatient rehab or they have reduced his days there, at least. I do not know yet when or even IF he is going to return to work; no one's said anything to me yet but I am seeing some signs that he may not be coming back. I sent him a brief text but he has not responded, so I guess I am still on the "do not contact" list and that makes me sad. I know that my RAF is not like dealing with a current/ex-spouse/partner, or with abuse or the possible breakup of a marriage or family. But since I am not married and have no children, my friends are my family, and so this distance from someone I have known well for 15 years has been hard for me.

I have learned that his problem is not mine to fix, so I am trying to focus on my problem, which is how to make myself feel better about the way he seems to be drifting away from me. I am hoping it is still just part of his early recovery and that in time, we will be able to talk again.

Thank you all for letting me share.

vujade

Sobriety is an amazing gift that can only be given by the receiver...and many people die before they figure that out. It sounds like your friend might be choosing life and that is a happy thing!

His lack of contact with you doesn't mean he blames you or dislikes you. It is more likely to mean that he is focusing on HIM and, when in recovery, some people need absolutely no distractions from that process. In fact, there is a good chance that it has nothing to do with you at all. It is HIS recovery and that is all he is obligated to think about. I wouldn't take it personally. Move forward with your life and find peace in knowing that your friend is working on finding his own.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

kittykitty

Some people come into your life quickly and leave. Some people stay for a while, and teach you a few things. Others stay for even longer, and leave an everlasting impression on your heart and soul. Some people are not meant to be in your life forever.

I've lost a few good friends along the way, but I can still look back on the times we shared and smile, knowing I was lucky to have them in my life, even if just for a short time.

Trying to figure out why someone else is doing something is an exercise in futility. It will make you crazy. I just pray that the people who are no longer in my life have found happiness somewhere, even if it doesn't involve me.

theuncertainty

I'm sorry you're feeling down today, Bonami. I just wanted to say... Please don't feel you need to discount yourself while here just because he's just a friend. This is SR Friends and Family of Alcoholics, after all. :ghug3

I think I'd agree with SKW on this. There is a possibility that he just really needs to focus on his recovery right now. Maybe just give him a bit of space and time to figure out what his path is.

skippernlilg

One of my close friends of 17 years and I have gone through so much together. If something like this happened with him, I know I'd feel such a loss, too. After you're used to talking with someone practically every day, it can feel like a big hole has been left.

This is really the time for you to focus on what is good for you. That's what he is doing, too. Which is a very good sign. It's not good for us to try to predict the future. So, let's just all stay on today and try to declare today a major victory!

bonami

I can't tell you all how lucky I feel to have found this forum. Reading everyone's replies has made me feel better.

SkW - I want to believe this very much. I'm used to having him confide in me, so the silence has felt very weird. But I do want him to do what he needs to in order to get better.

theuncertainty - thank you!

kittykitty - What you say is so very true. He's one of the people I would like to stay for as long as possible.

skippernlilg - this is exactly how I have been feeling since he went to rehab. It's been very hard.

Yes, I need to try harder to focus on each day and look for the good signs. Thanks for the pep talk!

Babyblue

I can completely relate. And when you know someone for a long time in your life, any connection is felt like a loss even if they may come back into your life. You will accept it in your own time because we all get to that place in different ways and at different speeds.

I heard from the RABF(?) finally after 5 months. A cold and impersonal email that said something about needing his space for now, sponsor told him to cool 'us' and he wants to take it one day at a time.

He didn't even ask how I was doing. This is a man who I've known 20 years...So yeah, it really bites but you know what, this is the rest of their lives they are trying to capture. You or I aren't slowly killing our bodies and lives (I hope!) with something. It is pretty basic.

So when I feel my BIG feelings about his situation I remind myself that struggling to insure that you will have life to live out means that life will hopefully be long and who knows what the future holds.

It is tough. Knowing they lost their life would be much tougher for me so I'll accept the alternative

bonami

babyblue, thank you so much for your post. That is an excellent way to think about it. The alternative would indeed be much, much worse.

I am sorry that you did get that email from your RABF, that definitely sucks and I know it's not what you wanted to hear; I hope you can continue to be strong about it. I know that's the situation I have been worried about all along regarding my friend, but all the words of advice from you and the others here are helping me to understand what's been happening to him, so I am working hard to be prepared for whatever he needs from me for his recovery--even if that means staying out of contact.

Thank you all again!

Babyblue

Yeah I did but now a few days past and I reread it. He definately is not cutting me out. So who knows the future but it took him a long time to be able to write me and he is still under tight watch. I was sad because it wasn't the answer I was 'expecting' but it was an answer.

Be patient. Throwing away someone you've known for a long time isn't something I think he will do to you. But just try not to have expectations; that is the key. This really is tough work they are doing.

Not hearing from him was hard but now I am finally feeling some sense of peace. Really try to be happy and enjoy your life. Why wouldn't he value you? My therapist kept telling me the same thing "why wouldn't he care? he clearly cares about you" but I couldn't see it.

It may take some time but if you ruminate like I did you will only drive yourself nuts. The busier you are, the less you will obsess.

You have us to support you!

bonami

I'm glad to hear that he is not cutting you out! That's very good to hear.

I'm kind of impatient by nature so I am always working on that part! I do understand how hard this is for him.

I have been thinking too much about that. If work is one of his stressors, I guess I am worried he could connect me that way. I know very well what stress he's under at the office and which things about the job and our boss bother him the most. A lot of his drinking has also been tied to work, because there are years of liquid lunches, after-work drinks, celebration dinners, etc. etc., with him and the boss and some of the team. I haven't been present at all of them but I have been at many. I also wondered if, because he's also trying to save his marriage, that maybe female friends are stressors too, or "off-limits".

Very true, and I need to stop ruminating, as you can see from my answer above. I do have other very wonderful people and things in my life and I do try to keep busy. But it's hard not to shut out the thoughts when I am at work and other people (including me) are doing the things he would normally be doing, or when I have to walk past his empty office.

And I am grateful for that!!!