Aysha

Even tho I know I havent made much head way as far as recovery goes. I like to think I have made some progress. Even if it is just a tiny bit. This is more directed toward the ones that know my story and have been around for most of my time here at SR.

From the time I joined until now. HAve I changed even a little bit?
As far a my attitude, my willingness to listen, my thinking and behavior.
What do you guys see in that pic over there to the left? They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If I showed you what I looked like when I started here. I look like a completely different person. I looked so beat down and hopeless. I was then.
I am just curious. I know it doesnt have anything to do with the fact that I havent stuck in my recovery. But still, progress not perfection. I have to had changed for the better in some ways.

MySecretLove

Don't know what you looked like before or your story, as I am new...but you look good and healthy to me...I don't see beat down or hopeless I can relate on the looking different while one is using.

Dee74

I think we've both changed since 2007 Trish

I see a big difference in the picture I first saw as you and this one. I think you're obviously taking better care of yourself in the not crazy times now, and that's a good thing

For me the main thing about you though is the things that haven't changed: you're still here, you're still fighting, you're still stubborn like me... LOL.

You just need to use that stubborness for you - not against you.

I think the biggest and best changes are still ahead for you Trish
I still reckon you can do this
D

Aysha

Ok, But somee of the things I think have changed will aid in me getting and staying clean.
I think I have def left behind that attitude I had. Because I had a really bad one. I am not all ghetto fabulous anymore. I am not a bully or confrontational like I use to be. I am more willing to listen to what you all say and really think about it instead of getting defensive.
Things like that. I have to change those things to have a better chance at recovery or to attempt it..right?
I do take way better care of myself. I wouldnt shower for days, brush my teeth, brush my hair. I didnt take care of the simplest of hygeine before. It was pitiful.
I think these little things are all little stepping stones that will help in keeping lasting recovery. Isnt it about changing your thinking and behaviors too?
But the bottom line..I know...I still havent gone to any length. But I have made some progress. Even a little?

Rusty Zipper

dear trish,

the change is internal, not external

i was looking at your pic on your Daily Inspiration thread...

and you are a beautiful yound women on the outside,

now match the insides with the out

i wouldn't say you've changed,

just have some good ammo for the real change

will support, love and blessings

SSIL75

In the run up to quitting I started to take better care of myself. I started to fall a little bit in love with the idea of healthy living (something I sneered at in the past). Oh, it does feel good to work out. Wow I feel great after 10 hours sleep. Reading a magazine before bed instead of drinking 2 bottles of wine is very satisfying, etc.

Like a true alcoholic though I started to use that as reasons not to quit. "I'm doing so much better now! Quitting is inevitable!" Lots of back patting while still drinking.

The alcoholic was still in the drivers seat and she remained there until I just.stopped.drinking.

I've read your posts and I agree with RZ. You have good ammo.

JohnnyDetox

Young, healthy, beautiful. That's what I see.

Progress rather than...

nogard

The changes takes time and happen one day at a time. Stick around, ask for help and guidance and then take it and you will get well.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I'm with ((Dee)) and ((Rusty)). Yes, you've changed in some ways, but in others you still have that stubborn streak (just like me).

Yes, the changes are good, and I think treating ourselves better is a really good start. It still comes to just not picking the pipe up, and sounds like you still have that problem.

You do listen, but you don't really follow through. Left the sober living to go back to grams. Decided she wasn't good for your recovery..went to FL. Came back to grams, who obviously loves you but enables you.

It's like you're stuck in what my friend calls my "uncomfortable comfort zone" when I get all wigged out on codie stuff. We both still have our struggles, but I've gotten way better and it started when I put the damned pipe down for good. The thought of crack literally repulses me, today, but give me a loved one struggling? I fight the urge to go in and try to rescue.

Different battles, but I think the codie issue is one you will eventually have to deal with, too. Remember what I told you way back when...we are very much alike.

Use the stubborn streak to your advantage. It really does come in handy

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

michelle01

'Change' is quite a subject in recovery. I'm quite sure I've seen people who have had transformations, usually they seem to discuss it in spiritual terms. I'm sure I've seen people who have had the transformation, they've given up/let go... but found a new beginning for themselves in that. And it's genuine, there's no way someone can fake that.

I always admire people on the forums who have their own pictures up for their avatars, because it's so easy to hide behind a persona on the web. I'm still conscious in day to day life, I'm carrying a persona, being what people want me to be... still haven't found my way beyond that.

But being sober has brought a change, I sometimes find it very difficult to identify with some of the things I did, the person I was. I guess she's still under there somewhere however if I go back to old habits, I lost my ability to be responsible with drinking/using a long time ago and know that if I do, it's at a serious risk no matter how much time behind me.

Aysha

I know that letting go of that street mentality and attitude has helped in a big way. I held on to that for a long time. Thats who I thought I was and was proud of it. I look back now and am so embarrassed I acted and thought like that. Aside from the drugs. I am talking about that whole personality of being hardcore street like I use to believe I was. Alwasy trying to prove something. You all have to remember, I am just as addicted to that lifestyle as I am the drugs. So letting go of that was big for me. And it wasnt easy. Because I still feel like I have to prove something..(I still havent figured out what that is yet tho)
And I never will because there isnt anything.

laurie6781

Sure there is. I was always a great STARTER and a CHITTY finisher of anything I started or tried.

This time I am still going strong.

If nothing else, you too want to be able to prove TO YOURSELF that you also are not only a GREAT STARTER but are no longer a quitter.

I have to agree with Rusty, this thing called 'recovery' comes from the inside, way deep down inside of me. Sure I cleaned up real good, and I started to learn slowly to change my thinking but my real recovery started when I went to work on the very 'core of my being.' It was there I finally found my true acceptance that I could NO LONGER, NOT EVER use and/or drink again.

Please keep moving forward Trish.

Love and hugs,

flutter

Trish, we've known each other for a few years, and you're dear to me.

Things about you that stand out to me, is that you always come back, and you always want to try again. I hope that NEVER changes!

I don't see the hopelessness in your posts as often as I used to, course, I don't see you post as often as you used to either, so hopefully some of that has changed even a little bit.

The determination that I see from you can be wonderful, and I always just wish you could harness that 'power' to really get you through to a better place.

You're willing to take huge risks, both good, and bad.. but I think that's something else that is wonderful about you (the good risks that is!), your willingness to try what you can to get healthier.

I believe in you.. I wish you believed in yourself.

Hugs to you, darlin'.

michelle01

Yes I'd like to add I think you have many obvious positive traits when you are on the right path. That's partly what makes it so frustrating to see someone with so many good points being dragged down by some negative behaviors. You really have to get the basics of recovery going first though, otherwise not much else is likely to work out - there's no real way around that, not for anyone. I was single minded in my self destruction... but I think that my last round of recovery, I did start managing to apply that to my own self care. Our best traits can also be our worst liability, true in my case. Anyhow, I think you have much to work through, take care with it all.

Rusty Zipper

trish, you just nailed it!

the esteem issue bit, ah, those damm issues again...

you dont have to prove a damm thing to anyone,

just learn to love trish,

ahem, the new improved non-street, non-codie, non-pipe puss trish

thats the inside job i'm talking about

toodaloo