first al-anon meeting.

Old 06-29-2011, 08:20 PM
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first al-anon meeting.

Just got back from my first al-anon meeting. A good release. didn't find a sponsor yet. (I was the only male there). So much going on right now. Just wanted to say that I went and thanks to all who suggested it.

How was it? As a newcomer... It was kind of weird... Very different from AA which I attended when I was younger. Overall it was good. I know I'm not alone from these forums and this meeting reaffirmed that there is a lot of pain, rage etc. It was great to hear other people share. People I could relate to just as you all have done.

I like the idea that we set our own boundaries and they aren't predicated by anything in the "book"

It was a group of 7 so I got to share twice (I'm a bit of a talker). And pretty open to sharing my feelings. I broke down the second time.

I think I used a good analogy of my mental state which I'd like to share with you all.

"It's mixed. One second I feel like Stalin and next there I am like buddha."
It doesn't translate all that well in text chat I said a lot more which put it in context. But I think there are many of you get what I'm talking about.

My mind is still pretty preoccupied with home so work is a challenge. Im looking to take some vacation time to work on some of this. Vacation won't "end" our work on each other as individuals of course. But it'd be a great start. It's just so difficult now to go in every day. Work would be a relief if I could actually focus.

Today wasn't great but it was better. So here comes another issue. It's not a big deal (I think) but I know some will reject it others will embrace it.

My wife met someone at her in patient program. It's a guy. It's a male who is married and has 2 kids. She has discussed him a few times.
His first daughter died of Sudden infant death syndrome years ago. Anyway they seem to get along and she asked. This guy is hurting he's in-patient and most of the people there are crazy (and she described several things that occur there at night)... Do you think it would be ok if he hung out with us on Sunday and maybe Monday? Since it's a long weekend?
I said ok.

Turns out his daughter died this coming Sunday. If I can do good for someone seeking help. I am happy to be of service. Are there reservations? Not many if at all. Do I have unbridled trust with my wife? No. I think as someone who wants to support his wife this is a challenging area. I could be Stalin or Buddah. I am choosing to go with what I consider the greater good.
Also if I brandish her with my mark it's going to hurt. If I keep doing it. She'll get fed up. That isn't my goal. My goal is to support her. Help people in need and be diligent...

My concern here isn't infidelity or my own insecurities. Frankly I'm fine with this. It feels good to be able to offer something to someone in need. Helps me get out of myself. Just trying to give you guys the full monty so to speak. Anyway today was hectic but It was better and is almost over.. .

Thoughts?
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Old 06-30-2011, 05:55 AM
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I think its nice to consider the fellow in your plans ( although won't the wife and kids feel left out?). But a couple of things jump out at me froms your post(s)

Why must you be anyone at all? Why must YOU be the one to help everyone in need? If the focus is on everyone else, who helps you?

I bring this up to stress the point that one of the biggest mistakes many of us ( me included) make is to believe that we can control anything or anyone but ourselves. Its great that you support your wife but that can also be done silently and through actions not words, and one of the best actions tends to be self care.

As long as the focus is on everyone else and not ourselves we remain stuck. And sometimes while we're running around trying to fix and suggest and understand, others are healing and come out the other end of the chaos stronger, and we feel like a truck ran over us.

I've been there...just a few words of experience.
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Old 06-30-2011, 06:22 AM
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Don't worry about getting a sponsor right out of the gate. You'll find the right person at the right time. Alanon/Naranon meetings were very strange to me initially. But I kept going back and I now cherish my time in those rooms. It grounds me.

Stalin or Buddah? Buddah's a good choice.

I do ditto what Cece said though.......we take care ourselves first so that we are best able to provide healthy assistance to others.

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Old 06-30-2011, 08:24 AM
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It's amazing how, after years of recovery, I can now look at things that are not "normal" and recognize them.

I find the whole situation with the fellow in outpatient more than disconcerting.

When I have gone through painful periods in my recovery, which have been numerous over the years, I rely on guidance from my sponsor.

I just see the situation as very dysfunctional, including the willingness to have him "hang out" at your place for two days.

Maybe I am missing something here?
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Old 06-30-2011, 08:48 AM
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I was wondering the same thing as cynical one. If this is the guy who kept texting that "he was not a homewrecker", and calling her "sweetie", I'd definitely say no. If it is a totally different man, then I'd be wondering, why is my wife developing close relationships with ONLY the needy men while in treatment? I don't like the situation either. Your family does not need to be his outlet for his grief over the loss of his daughter.
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Old 06-30-2011, 10:12 AM
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SO glad you were able to attend the meeting - hope you will be able to make more - they are such a great tool for me.

New in recovery is such a vunerable time FOR EVERYONE! If he lost a daughter, then I'm thinking his wife lost a daughter too???? Won't they both need help?

This disease destroys and rips apart families - you probably already know that - to me in recovery when everyone tries to HEAL seperately and together - it helps mend those bridges.

Maybe he and his family could hang out with your family ~ to me it couldn't hurt to suggest it?

and as far as Stalin or Budda or whomever you feel like you have to be ~ for me one of the sweetest releases was to discover that I could just be ME! And my recovery took me thru the journey of finding out just who MsPINKAcres is ~ it is a wonderful discovery ~ and there are things about me I like and things about me I dislike but as a whole - I'm not too shabby!
I'm sure you will be the same with yourself!

PINK HUGS,
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Old 06-30-2011, 06:51 PM
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I didn't think I brought full context to the situation so let me clarify.

I am neither Stalin or Buddha. My aim is not to be like them I just seen the extremes in myself when I go through this insanity. I use stalin and buddha as extreme examples because I think most understand these people as polar opposites and in some ways even identify with their behavior. It's the extremes in my behavior that I was pointing out. Sorry I wasn't more clear. Hell if anyone strived to be Stalin I'd have them committed! Buddha is passive in every sense.

I am not them nor am I looking to be them as examples to reclaim my identity. (I have nothing against buddha btw).

Regarding this "visitor". It isn't the "texter". He's gone from her life so-far as I understand. I planned to pick this guy up and let him relax at the beach as we tend to go there on weekends. Am I trying to heal him? No. I Don't even know him.
All I know is that he's married with 2 kids and his wife is across the country. I honestly don't know their situation. One boundary I've drawn is... He isn't coming to my house. Not even for a second.
My wife is in an outpatient treatment center. Few of the inpatients have kids and even fewer have a marriage. This is a place people don't yearn to go.

Regarding trust and my wife: If the marriage is here for good and her intent is legit (I believe it is)... Than this outing means nothing. This is a great way to start building trust on both sides. (I think). If she has full intent to perform infidelity? Well there's not a lot I can do about that either. I think the end will be the same regardless. We have to build trust but I also don't want her feeling like this is a prison.

If everything she's told me about this guy is true? Than I'm doing it for 3 reasons.
1. To get out of myself.
2. On the basis of compassion.
3. To rebuild the trust with my wife.

I know I have many roads to cross to see things with some semblance of sanity.
If the marriage is a farce and my response were different. She'd get into it anyway. I'm not naive enough to think it can't happen. I know her actions had ramifications and I see based on how crazy I've been that I can do as much to her in her recovery as she did to me.

I completely understand your sentiments on the early stages of recovery and I appreciate the concern. I also understand that should I go "the opposite route" that I'm not doing my part to build the trust.

If it weren't meant to be than this I don't think this will make a difference. if it were? It still wouldn't have an affect outside of me being supportive.

For the record I am working on myself. How exactly? With you and with others in recovery along with going to al-anon. here I'm just trying to be understanding and supportive and trying in earnest measures to not be Stalin or Buddha.

I really appreciate your dialog. Its helped me a lot. We don't have many alanon meetings here. Once a day and most I can't make on account of work and my family.
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