Alcoholics Anonymous Killed My Marriage
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Alcoholics Anonymous Killed My Marriage
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Location: Waterford MI
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endless patience,
I am confused how AA killed her marriage?
I am a recovering alcoholic, and oh my, yes, there is a sea change in the drinker when they stop drinking.
Maybe she had an addiction to excitement? adrenaline?
I am very glad to hear that he is 3 years sober and they are working hard on raising a good boy.
Beth
I am confused how AA killed her marriage?
I am a recovering alcoholic, and oh my, yes, there is a sea change in the drinker when they stop drinking.
Maybe she had an addiction to excitement? adrenaline?
I am very glad to hear that he is 3 years sober and they are working hard on raising a good boy.
Beth
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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It is very sad how some marriages don't survive the struggle to overcome addiction. I also find it kind of sad how the man is portrayed as somehow more exciting or more full of life while drinking but as dull and boring when sober......what a horrible misconception. It's as if people, maybe even the alcoholics and addicts themselve, feel as though A's somehow see the world in a more beautiful, colorful way. That is a fallacy in my humble opinion.
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Yeah, I don't see how AA killed her marriage either. To me, the marriage was predicated on him being a certain person (an alcoholic) ... And when that change, the relationship could not adapt, and thus failed.
I don't think that's any different that me coming into al-anon... And changing, and thus realizing that my marriage no longer works for me. Al-anon is not killing my marriage... The reality is that my new healthier self is incompatible with my husband's drinking.
The author seems very closed minded to what the al-anon program is really about. I'm not sure where the idea of al-anon promoting 'victims' keeps coming from. That's the 2nd or 3rd time I've read that this week. That certainly isn't my impression... I see the program more as a self-empowerment than anything else!
I don't think that's any different that me coming into al-anon... And changing, and thus realizing that my marriage no longer works for me. Al-anon is not killing my marriage... The reality is that my new healthier self is incompatible with my husband's drinking.
The author seems very closed minded to what the al-anon program is really about. I'm not sure where the idea of al-anon promoting 'victims' keeps coming from. That's the 2nd or 3rd time I've read that this week. That certainly isn't my impression... I see the program more as a self-empowerment than anything else!
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I think this story ticks me off so much because she reminds me, in some ways, of me.
I still haven't completed the self-examination of what led to my first divorce (from the guy now 31 years sober), but I suspect a lot of it had to do with the same self-centeredness I read in that article. On the part of the wives (her and me), that is, not the husbands. I used to complain that it was HARD living with a saint. And (semi-) joking that my family was fonder of him than they were of me.
So, yeah, I kinda get where she's coming from, but I don't think I'd have the nerve to admit it in print. AA didn't ruin her marriage, her own narrow interests did it in.
I still haven't completed the self-examination of what led to my first divorce (from the guy now 31 years sober), but I suspect a lot of it had to do with the same self-centeredness I read in that article. On the part of the wives (her and me), that is, not the husbands. I used to complain that it was HARD living with a saint. And (semi-) joking that my family was fonder of him than they were of me.
So, yeah, I kinda get where she's coming from, but I don't think I'd have the nerve to admit it in print. AA didn't ruin her marriage, her own narrow interests did it in.
I know, right!!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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She wanted to maintain their lifestyle, he couldn't. It's sad, really.
My wife is a member of Al-A-NOT.... And I strongly suspect that she would react to Alanon much as the woman did who wrote that article... That whole victim perception, erroneous, I know... But her journey is hers, not mine. She has never been very co-dependent and is very confident and self assured, just as the author appears to be.
It has been difficult and a big adjustment... She misses some of those crazy times, and well, so do I. However, I am careful not to bring AA into our relationship.
AA didn't ruin their marriage, of course not, but her experience is as legitimate as anyone's...
My wife is a member of Al-A-NOT.... And I strongly suspect that she would react to Alanon much as the woman did who wrote that article... That whole victim perception, erroneous, I know... But her journey is hers, not mine. She has never been very co-dependent and is very confident and self assured, just as the author appears to be.
It has been difficult and a big adjustment... She misses some of those crazy times, and well, so do I. However, I am careful not to bring AA into our relationship.
AA didn't ruin their marriage, of course not, but her experience is as legitimate as anyone's...
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Healthy skepticism is a good thing BUT she didn't do her research about addiction or depression or her last line would read. I AM grateful he is alive, whatever it took.
No body woke up in the morning who never drank alcohol and said 'hey, you know what? I think I'll join AA!!'
There isn't a person in those rooms who wishes they could be sliding down a bar kissing some girl/guy (or both!) but they know the cost.
They'd be dead.
She really doesn't know how hard chemical addiction is to beat.
AA didn't kill her marriage, miscommunication did.
No body woke up in the morning who never drank alcohol and said 'hey, you know what? I think I'll join AA!!'
There isn't a person in those rooms who wishes they could be sliding down a bar kissing some girl/guy (or both!) but they know the cost.
They'd be dead.
She really doesn't know how hard chemical addiction is to beat.
AA didn't kill her marriage, miscommunication did.
I'm no angel!
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AA, oh please! Sounds like she loved the drunk not the sober husband. She loved the adrenline rush, the excitement, now she is living an everyday life, raising a child and being a wife....she is bored.
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Whoa - that stirred up a lot of what I'm feeling right now. While my AH is not currently in AA he has changed... We too had a whirlwind romance - we both loved to be social and party our butts off! But somewhere that changed, like the author of the article we endured deaths, miscarriages, premature births; all things that can challenge even a healthy marriage. While I started to change and shift in ways that would encourage our happiness (or so I thought) in our new life, he started to become distant and depressed leading to drinking more heavily.
We are in the process of divorce. He actually is going to an evaluation today to determine if he needs "intensive outpatient" treatment or the inpatient. I am sad also that I have lost my husband. I know that I married the alcoholic and I have no idea who this person will be once he takes his journey to recovery. I am going through with the divorce because I cannot deal with the pain and hurt he has caused our family. I am also going to get help for myself.
We are parting on "good" terms so far - i was so afraid that he would continue his hate and rage towards me but so far he has flipped to remorse. I don't know what the future holds and am taking one day at a time. Perhaps I will fall in love with this new person... Only time will tell. Like all of us, I just hope and pray that he works the program, learns to love himself, and realizes that life is AWESOME.
Okay - back to the article - what I interpreted (probably based on my own similar experiences) is not that AA killed her marriage; it seemed pretty clear to me that she realizes that alcoholism killed her marriage. I think it's just a catchy title to get people to read it but it doesn't sound like she's really any different than anyone else who first feel in love with the alcoholic. Just my take on the article.
We are in the process of divorce. He actually is going to an evaluation today to determine if he needs "intensive outpatient" treatment or the inpatient. I am sad also that I have lost my husband. I know that I married the alcoholic and I have no idea who this person will be once he takes his journey to recovery. I am going through with the divorce because I cannot deal with the pain and hurt he has caused our family. I am also going to get help for myself.
We are parting on "good" terms so far - i was so afraid that he would continue his hate and rage towards me but so far he has flipped to remorse. I don't know what the future holds and am taking one day at a time. Perhaps I will fall in love with this new person... Only time will tell. Like all of us, I just hope and pray that he works the program, learns to love himself, and realizes that life is AWESOME.
Okay - back to the article - what I interpreted (probably based on my own similar experiences) is not that AA killed her marriage; it seemed pretty clear to me that she realizes that alcoholism killed her marriage. I think it's just a catchy title to get people to read it but it doesn't sound like she's really any different than anyone else who first feel in love with the alcoholic. Just my take on the article.
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After a romance like this, how could I go back to normal life? Try going out with an accountant after that.
At least she is glad he has been sober and in recovery for three years.
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Something I noticed...
According to the article, it seems like he was never home when he was active.
Even though they got married, it was still a long-distance relationship.
Alcohol or not, they didn't know each other at all, so that when he got sober, and was even more him and even less alcohol, she was completely lost because the article only focuses on drinking together, "nights of passion," and him bringing back exotic gifts between assignments.
Whether he was an alcoholic or not, when he finally started coming home, something was bound to happen.
According to the article, it seems like he was never home when he was active.
Even though they got married, it was still a long-distance relationship.
Alcohol or not, they didn't know each other at all, so that when he got sober, and was even more him and even less alcohol, she was completely lost because the article only focuses on drinking together, "nights of passion," and him bringing back exotic gifts between assignments.
Whether he was an alcoholic or not, when he finally started coming home, something was bound to happen.
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Originally Posted by Programmatic 
Am I the only one who read the thread title and knew there was no point in wasting my time reading the linked article? The responses above pretty much confirmed that for me.
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