HopeAwaits

My head is spinning and my stomach is churning.......

RXAH insists he can not pay for visitation monitor, orders say 3 days a week up to 6 ours. I told him I would try and pay for 3 hours for the three days (which to him is not enough just three hours to see her)...... after thought that is about 320.00 a week!!! He can not afford one visit. so i was trying to make it so our Daughter can see him.We can not agree on a friend type person and it can not be me!! He can not let go and just focus on daughter as she likes to stay near me. He asked that his neighbor (female RA) be observer, but I dont feel I can trust she would be there the entire time.

My other problem is my daughter (almost 8) told me last night she doesnt want to see Daddy with out me! My heart aches and I have no clue where to go from here.... called a resource for assistance with it, but not sure what they offer!

suki44883

My thoughts: There is a reason why supervised visitation was part of the deal, right? Well, that's his problem. You shouldn't be paying for anything. This is just a circumstance of his lousy choices and if he can't figure out an acceptable way to see his daughter, then it's his problem, not yours. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to be alone with him speaks volumes, too.

HopeAwaits

Thanks!!!

He will not take any responsibility!! it is all me on a power trip! I dont know what to do, So i just not let him see her?!

For today since I had told him I would I am going to take her to a park to see him, if he in any way is what he is, I will leave!

suki44883

You might want to ask your attorney exactly what your rights are in this area. I can't believe that he can't come up with someone acceptable for a few hours a week.

Just curious - Does he pay child support?

HopeAwaits

I tried the family court services, but they cant give advice, so I will look more into womesn resource, thanks!

No he doesnt. At Christmas and Birthday party he will give me some. But no he is on VA disability

Freedom1990

I don't know about the legalities in your state, but in Kansas they can garnish disability pay for child support.

dollydo

Most states can garnish his disability check, I would investigate this further. As for the
visitation fee, that is his problem, and, if your daughter does not want to see him, there must be a reason, why force her?

laurie6781

Since you live in California and this is Court Ordered it is up to him to PAY.

Also, since it is California, you better double check on that child support. I know of many that have either paid or gotten their VA Disability check's garnisheed.

It is not up to you to work out the visitation. It is his RESPONSIBILITY to find an APPROVED supervisor for visitation.

He is still trying to MANIPULATE you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

How is this your problem? Put this monkey back where it belongs, on his back.

When he says he can't afford, blah, blah, blah the best reponse is " bummer" .
and move on.

Ann

I'd trust your daughter's instinct. She's 8 years old and afraid to be with him without you around. There is a reason for that. Trust her.

And I agree, it is not up to you to pay anything and why do it. He created the problem, he can find the solution.

Please remember that "we" are not the answer to any of their problems, we are not even a good option. "We" are not the solution. It's okay to take care of ourselves.

Hugs

wicked

HopeAwaits,

I am a veteran on disability, and child support is one of only two reasons a disability check can be garnished (the other being owing the IRS).
Please also check with the Veterans Administration about health care.
I think you will be pleasantly surprised by what is available to you and for her.

beth

HopeAwaits

Thank you!!
I do and will continue too trust my daughter. Kids see the truth we dont want to deal with sometimes.

I had offered to pay half, for the sake of my daughter wanting to see her dad ( before she told me she didnt want to without me) and of course he says he cant pay and 3 hrs isnt enough....... But after listen here I am completly rethinking that!!

I have difficulty not trying to make the best of things and maing them work. but you are so right he is manipulating or trying to.

His DOC was at first cocaine, then switched to Meth..... he is very much the true character of a Meth user and I dont think after the years sober those will ever go away, sadly

there is no Court order for support and never forced the issue. Mostly because he has little to take and possible a little self pride that I will do my best for her and so far have been able to...... but thinking he needs to learn ALL the parental responsibilites he wants have, so he should hold a few!!

dollydo

Sounds like you are struggling with letting go of him and allowing him to be responsible for himself. This is his child too, not just yours, and he should be responsible to support her. Why you do not have a court order is beyond me, if he is getting disability he should pay support for her. This is in the best interest of your child, the older she gets the more it will cost to raise her, and then there is her education to consider.

If he doesn't have much, it is because he has chosen drugs as his lifelong mission, that certainly is not your or your daughers problem....it is his.

Perhaps it is time to sit back and rethink this entire situation.

laurie6781

I agree with Dolly. As Wicked said she is on VA Disability. Anyone on any type of Disability if very aware of what and if their disability can be garnished. Again another MANIPULATION on his part.

He helped create your beautiful daughter and it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to help support her.

Sure there is Ego in there. Somewhere inside you is the "I'll show him, I can do this all by myself" and support us both. That will prove what a jerk he really is."

Well he has already proved what a jerk he is. I have no doubt you can and are doing this all by yourself, and am sure your daughter is much calmer and happier without all the chaos.

I, however, am one of those that believe an A should be allowed to FEEL the CONSEQUENCES of their actions.

Please keep your daughter and yourself safe, but I too believe it is time for some 'rethinking' on this situation.

Love and hugs,

TreshaLee

Get your child support. It will do you and your child(ren) good and it will NOT do your X any good.

Freedom1990

Social services can help you get court-ordered child support. I went through them for my youngest daughter. Her dad had his tax returns garnished many times for not paying support.

He helped create your daughter and he needs to pay support!

Till then, if she's uncomfortable seeing him without you, I'd forego any more visitations at this time.

Take good care of yourself and your daughter.

HopeAwaits

Dolly I think you are very right. Being back here has helped me evaluate things and realize while I had recoveredmyslef so much and had removed us from the situation it was really just transfered into this new situation that I had a big hand in allowing to happen.

Yes I was trying to make the best of the situation but I allowed him to continue to manipulate and control me and the situation. Things had improved but have gone back to what it was.

He is trying to be demanding and putting everything on me and that will change. One day at a time iwill again try to get a better life back.

Thank you for the encouraging hard to face truth!!

hello-kitty

This is why I go NO CONTACT. My ex is a failure at managing a relationship with his child. I enabled him to have one and it completely screwed up my child. I should have just left things well enough alone. If my ex had wanted a relationship with his son, he would have done more than just talk about it and COMPLAIN about the situation. He would have figured out a solution. He would have cleaned up and gotten off drugs and gotten a job and found an attorney and done whatever it took to see his child. That's what GOOD fathers do.

He's your ex for a reason. There's no need for you to EVEN talk to him. If he's not able to live up to the visitation requirements and his child support responsibilities, then it's up to HIM to fix his problems. Not you. You can't help him have a relationship with his child. That's his responsibility. If he wanted to see her, he would find away. Interfering only prolongs the inevitable.

Seriously. Let him be a man. Not the man you wish he was, but the man he truly is. Your daughter seems smart to the situation already. Things will work out exactly the way they are suppose to. You cannot fix his problems for him. By trying, you just make things more painful for yourself and your children.

Focus on you and make wise decisions for you and children. You just can't go wrong with wise decisions based on your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your babies.