Just found out...my dad...
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
Just found out...my dad...
Hi all.
Sorry in advance for this long post. I just found out something very influential in some way and I want to share and get your opinions on it.
I found out something that either troubles me or motivates me positively to remain sober. I don't really know, it's confusing.
I was talking to my dad about my month-long marijuana binge during my last school quarter. I said I was regretful and felt like a failure. He told me not to beat myself up, because he, himself, was once a two-year cocaine addict.
I am not troubled by the addiction. Rather, I am troubled that I found it out just now, at 22 years old. I wish I would have heard about it a couple of years ago, when I was struggling with my own stimulant addiction (heavy abuse of Ritalin and Adderall that led to a nasty physical and mental dependency). The way it motivates me is that I feel like I am not alone in my family, and now I can turn to my dad for understanding and sympathy when times are hard.
I understand why he didn't tell me; he probably feared it would fuel my addiction, and before I got addicted to stimulants, he probably did not want to tempt me to try dangerous substances. I feel it was in good nature and he did what most parents would have done. However, I feel it would have helped, at least in my recovery. I wish he told me earlier, but I'm not upset with him in the slightest.
Dad has always encouraged me to be honest with him and express my concerns directly (a trait I came to admire later on). This was vastly different from my mom's approach, which involved staying silent about concerns to save face. Anyway, I came right out and asked him how he got addicted and how he recovered. He said that, like me, it began with him suffering from chronic depression for a month-long period. He was offered cocaine by a friend (when he was in college) and he tried it, and was immediately drawn to its mood-altering effects.
He said that he recovered after he went to the hospital following a cocaine binge, which caused him to have a violent seizure. He didn't go into much detail about the recovery process itself, but he said that, like me, he was very resistant at first and was largely successful due to the tender-loving-care and understanding displayed to him by his counselor and detox specialists. He told me that he never intended to irritate me by using tough-love to get me into treatment. Rather, he kept in mind that he only *got* into treatment when a close friend was direct with him and gave him an ultimatum: sober up or lose her as a friend because she could no longer deal with the sadness and anxiety she had over his addiction and the thought of him dying.
I had no idea about this, I didn't even consider it, even as an illegitimate thought. I also did not know that he suffered from a lot of the exact same things that I do now (Bipolar II and extreme exhaustion due to hypothyroidism). I feel actually closer to him than I ever have. He said he is proud of me for sticking to my recovery plan this long, and offered to take me to a celebratory dinner that he never gave me when he intended to. But, I told him he doesn't need to do that because his approval was enough.
My mother has no idea about dad's past addiction and recovery, because he married her only a year after finishing detox and a two-month rehab treatment. I don't want mom to ever know, because if she did, she'd have even more ammunition to use against him. Even though they have been divorced for over 10 years, she has a seething hatred for him as it is. She really is very unfair to him.
So, again, sorry for the long post. I just really wanted to share. Thanks for reading
Sorry in advance for this long post. I just found out something very influential in some way and I want to share and get your opinions on it.
I found out something that either troubles me or motivates me positively to remain sober. I don't really know, it's confusing.
I was talking to my dad about my month-long marijuana binge during my last school quarter. I said I was regretful and felt like a failure. He told me not to beat myself up, because he, himself, was once a two-year cocaine addict.
I am not troubled by the addiction. Rather, I am troubled that I found it out just now, at 22 years old. I wish I would have heard about it a couple of years ago, when I was struggling with my own stimulant addiction (heavy abuse of Ritalin and Adderall that led to a nasty physical and mental dependency). The way it motivates me is that I feel like I am not alone in my family, and now I can turn to my dad for understanding and sympathy when times are hard.
I understand why he didn't tell me; he probably feared it would fuel my addiction, and before I got addicted to stimulants, he probably did not want to tempt me to try dangerous substances. I feel it was in good nature and he did what most parents would have done. However, I feel it would have helped, at least in my recovery. I wish he told me earlier, but I'm not upset with him in the slightest.
Dad has always encouraged me to be honest with him and express my concerns directly (a trait I came to admire later on). This was vastly different from my mom's approach, which involved staying silent about concerns to save face. Anyway, I came right out and asked him how he got addicted and how he recovered. He said that, like me, it began with him suffering from chronic depression for a month-long period. He was offered cocaine by a friend (when he was in college) and he tried it, and was immediately drawn to its mood-altering effects.
He said that he recovered after he went to the hospital following a cocaine binge, which caused him to have a violent seizure. He didn't go into much detail about the recovery process itself, but he said that, like me, he was very resistant at first and was largely successful due to the tender-loving-care and understanding displayed to him by his counselor and detox specialists. He told me that he never intended to irritate me by using tough-love to get me into treatment. Rather, he kept in mind that he only *got* into treatment when a close friend was direct with him and gave him an ultimatum: sober up or lose her as a friend because she could no longer deal with the sadness and anxiety she had over his addiction and the thought of him dying.
I had no idea about this, I didn't even consider it, even as an illegitimate thought. I also did not know that he suffered from a lot of the exact same things that I do now (Bipolar II and extreme exhaustion due to hypothyroidism). I feel actually closer to him than I ever have. He said he is proud of me for sticking to my recovery plan this long, and offered to take me to a celebratory dinner that he never gave me when he intended to. But, I told him he doesn't need to do that because his approval was enough.
My mother has no idea about dad's past addiction and recovery, because he married her only a year after finishing detox and a two-month rehab treatment. I don't want mom to ever know, because if she did, she'd have even more ammunition to use against him. Even though they have been divorced for over 10 years, she has a seething hatred for him as it is. She really is very unfair to him.
So, again, sorry for the long post. I just really wanted to share. Thanks for reading
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by Latte 
It is kind of nice to have someone you love understand you somewhat.
Congratulations on your recovery and this new relationship with your Dad.
Congratulations on your recovery and this new relationship with your Dad.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Thanks for sharing that Teal. Yeah, it makes a huge difference when someone that you're very close to can understand and sympathize with what you're going through or have been through. Having someone to talk to, someone that understands the insane things we think and do, someone you trust and love...that's a real blessing. Good for you.
--Fenris.
--Fenris.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Teal,
Nice post. I can only guess as to your fathers motivation for keeping this from you, but in his shoes I would worry that sharing with my daughter while actively using, it could be used as an excuse - "not my fault, it's genetic!" Denial is the cornerstone of addiction, and we sure were masters of pretzel logic when avoiding reality.
But, since he's not afraid of direct conversations... why not ask? Might be the start of a valuable conversation.
Nice post. I can only guess as to your fathers motivation for keeping this from you, but in his shoes I would worry that sharing with my daughter while actively using, it could be used as an excuse - "not my fault, it's genetic!" Denial is the cornerstone of addiction, and we sure were masters of pretzel logic when avoiding reality.
But, since he's not afraid of direct conversations... why not ask? Might be the start of a valuable conversation.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
There are some things a parent just doesn't tell their children. Maybe he wasn't comfortable with it, maybe he still had issues, maybe the time just wasn't right...could be anything.
I can see where he wouldn't want to tell you. But regardless of why he didn't feel he needed to at the time or what really brought out his honesty...fact is you now know. This changes everything. Take advantage of it. Stay close.
I can see where he wouldn't want to tell you. But regardless of why he didn't feel he needed to at the time or what really brought out his honesty...fact is you now know. This changes everything. Take advantage of it. Stay close.
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