GettingBy

I've had a bunch of "aha" moments lately, and I wanted to collect those thoughts and share them (so as to avoid forgetting them later!!). I've learned some interesting things about myself - some of which are things that I'm actually "re-learning" (sometimes it takes a few rounds for a lesson to stick, right!??!)

1. I enable my AH. A LOT. And not necessarily in the obvious "save him from his drinking consequences" ways. But I realized, I have too much of a tendency to take care of everything in our house. My AH sold the motorcycle. He didn't have the title - ordered a replacement one. I (codie alert!) felt bad for the kid who bought the bike b/c without the title he couldn't register it, ride it, etc. I jumped into the situation - told the kid that as soon as the title came, I'd overnight it to him. And I did. It came Monday and I promptly packaged it up, got the postage, and took it to the post office. Ugh, WTF is that!??! AH didn't say a word. Didn't say thanks. Nothing. And that's when it hit me... I stuck my nose in something that was not my business. I robbed AH of an opportunity to be an adult and take care of his own ****. I did it because I felt bad for the kid... but I shouldn't have gotten involved. Another thing - Tuesday is garbage day - AH's only chore is take out the garbage. I emptied out my office garbage and a few other rooms. The next morning, AH was complaining about having to do the garbage... (codie alert!)... I said, "Well, my office and x,y,z rooms are emptied so it shouldn't be so bad!" AH said, "I don't need your help, you know. You could mind your own business." BAM. He was right. WTF is wrong with me?!??! I see it as helping and having a partnership - but in our relationship - **** like that does not work. I don't, and can't, have a partnership with an active A.

2. When I take things one step at a time, and don't react... things have a magical way of working themselves out (most of the time I don't even have to do anything!). I was so angry and mad on Sunday - and felt like I needed to DO SOMETHING!! I resisted the urge - went and did my sit-ups, changed, and by the time I was ready to eat - the kids happened to come home.. hungry! We got to eat together, and then we went for a bike ride. As I was distracted, my anger subsided, and clarity came... just because my AH wants me to golf, doesn't mean I have to and I don't have to fight with him about it. I can just say, "No thanks." Because I was able to let the anger go, I was able to be calm and have a great time hanging out with the kiddies

3. People are who they are. And when they show you or tell you who they are... believe them. My AH has repeatedly said he wants to work on the marriage. His actions say otherwise. He has said he wants to do marriage counseling - but it's been over a month - and nothing is scheduled. He complains that we don't have any fun together - yet he plops his ass on the couch at night, stares at the TV, and then goes to bed - not making any effort to "connect" with me. So, I, very stupidly, tried to talk to him last night. I asked if he had any luck getting a counseling appointment, asked him how work was going, etc. He cut off the conversation and said, "Listen, I don't like to talk - I never have. I really don't want to talk to you. I don't care to discuss my day, work, or anything with you." I said, "Well, if you don't want to talk, how the hell do you expect this marriage to get any better? I'm not trying to have an in depth converstation with you about feelings/marriage/etc. I'm just trying to talk about day-to-day stuff. That's what a married couple does. They listen to each other and care about each other's days, no matter how mundane the details. Every day you ask the kids how their day was - and you know why? Because it shows you care about them - no matter how repetative their days are - you listen. And that's all I'm asking for - is for you to ask me about my day. To listen to the mundane details and care. But, I get it. You're being honest with me about who you are. You don't want to talk to me. I get it. I need to work on accepting that I want something you can't give me."

Lesson No. 3... is one that I apparently need to keep repeating over and over and over again. I keep going to the damn hardware store, looking for, hoping for, asking for bread... and it ain't ******* there.

The damn guilt of divorce is what's keeping me from really learning and moving on from that lesson. The hope that maybe, just maybe, this time... there will be bread, and maybe just maybe, I don't have to divorce this man.

So that's where I'm at today. I'm making progress. I feel better, stronger... I'm working on things - slowly but surely.

Thanks for listening.
Shannon

LexieCat

Sounds to me as if he really ISN'T interested in "working on the marriage," but is determined to make it your fault that he isn't.

SOP for an alcoholic, or for someone who wants out but doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

Sounds like your eyes are a little more open every day. Sometimes it's a shock when they first open, but dang, it's good to see the territory.

Tuffgirl

GB, your posts get more and more introspective these days - I enjoy reading them!

Thumper

Those are golden words. It took me a loooong time to really incorporate that into my way of thinking about people.

Jazzman

Lessons learned in point #1 translated very well to raising kids for me. Especially teenagers.

So his only chore is to take out the trash?!?! WTF?

GettingBy

Yeah, that's pretty much my opinion at this point. I told him last night that I thought his whole "marriage counseling proposal" was a load of garbage. I told him that it was pretty clear at this point that he doesn't want to actually do any work on fixing our marriage, or himself.

Yes, that is unfortunately the case. He sometimes mows the law... and will cook, but only if I'm not around. And as for the trash... well, that's a long story too. He can't really be depended on to make sure that happens on a weekly basis. We had maggots all over our garage at least 3 times last year - because he "forgot" to take out the garbage. Really?!?!? you have one ******* chore and you can't even get that done?!?! I won't start in about plowing the driveway & shoveling snow.

I used to try and do it all... but I realized that I couldn't do it. I'm not super-woman. SO, I'll leave it at this - I've learned, over the past 10 years, that a maid service and a plowing company are my two best friends!!!

jamaicamecrazy

Sounds to me as if he really ISN'T interested in "working on the marriage," but is determined to make it your fault that he isn't.

SOP for an alcoholic, or for someone who wants out but doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

That's my AH. He went to counseling for 2 years with me and said he was putting no effort into the marriage but recently was angry that I left. It was a mutual decision at the time. He wants to fade off in the sunset and make me clean up the aftermath. Then when things don't go his way- he blames me.

duqld1717

I've been realizing these same things in my relationships as well. Up until a year ago, I had roomates. However, I now live alone. Anyway, I like coming home to a clean house. I hate leaving dishes around too long and I also hate letting the bathroom go too long where it looks scummy.

Well, my roomates could have cared less about all these things. They let dishes and the bathroom go for weeks on end. So the codie in me would just clean other people's dishes or clean the bathroom bc I hated looking at it. I thought I was just doing my roomates a favor and I never asked them to clean up after themselves. Well, it turned into me ALWAYS cleaning because they knew I would do it. And if they did ever clean, it would only be once every couple of months. I was doing it way more.

Then I would wonder why I was so mad all the time and why I had so much work to do. I had less time for myself because I was always cleaning. My blood would start to boil. Then I thought, I robbed them of having to face their own dirty dishes and a dirty bathroom. They always had a clean dish to eat off of bc I cleaned it for them! But if I needed a dish or a spoon, there was never a clean one in sight! If I only would have stopped cleaning for them and only did my share, I would have had more time for myself and I would have let them face their own dirty sh*t. I took on problems that were not mine.

So yeah, learning to drive and stay in MY OWN LANE has been an important lesson for me. My life is hard enough. Its even harder if I try to take on other people's lives/problems as well.

vujade

I can so relate, Shannon! My biggest challenge is that I need to pay less attention to who they tell me they are and trust that little "uh-oh in my tummy" that speaks to what they show me. I must learn to trust my intuition more than I trust the mere words of others.

Thanks for sharing!