sereniT

I was on here before, but forgot my username and have since changed e-mail addresses so I figured I would start over.

I'm the wife of a recovering pain killer addict. We were HS sweet hearts. We did everything right-finished college, got good jobs, got married after we were stable in our own lives, bought a house, started a family and then it all began to unravel when he started popping pills. Over the past 3 years he has been in 3 different in-patient rehabs and has 14 felony charges (some convictions some dropped). My life became unrecognizable!

In December 2008 he went into recovery. He was clean for what I thought was 9 months, but I'm now learning it was only about 4. He got out of the 28 day rehab and pretended he was working a program, but he wasn't. In January 2010 things started to spiral. He moved out and over the next 6 months was at his worse. I kept my distance, but never got any kind of treatment for myself. In June he entered a Salvation Army program and things started to look up. I told him at that point that if he stayed committed to his sobriety I would consider working on our marriage. I also made it very clear to him that there wouldn't be anymore chances after this-it was his last chance to save himself and our marriage. Again, he didn't take recovery seriously, left the program early and found himself back on drugs (actually he was using while in the program I later found out). In March of this year he put himself back in the Salvation Army program and as far as I can tell is 110% into his recovery now (today is 109 days clean!). I'm also very involved in my own recovery and have been attending Al-Anon regularly since February.

In March 2011 when it became obvious that he was using again I began custody proceedings for our 3 year old son. I also went to 3 different lawyers to draw up a separation agreement and was told by all 3 that I needed to get some issues with our house straightened out before they could write up the agreement (that is a whole different story).

I'm not naive, I've been on this roller coaster ride too long, but I honestly see a different person this time around. He has a sponsor, goes to 1-2 outside NA/AA meetings a day along with his required rehab sessions at the Salvation Army. He has a sponsor which was something he never did before. We are also seeing someone together to discuss some of our issues, but I am in no way ready to say that I will try to work on our marriage. I've agreed to counseling to help us as parents, to maybe understand where he is coming from and hopefully he can learn to understand where I am coming from. He will graduate his program in September. He doesn't have a plan as to what he will do when he gets done, but he does understand he will not be coming back to our home.

The years of ciaos surrounding his addiction have changed me so much. I am so grateful for Al-Anon because I've always been a Type-A, over achieving, control freak and it is changing my life for the better.

I love this man so much. I wish things turned out differently. I have a hard time walking away from the marriage, but at the same time I'm not sure I can ever live under the same roof as him after all the betrayal, dishonesty, disrespect etc. I don't know how I can ever trust any other man not to hurt me because one of the main reasons I fell in love with my husband was he was the most trustworthy person I had every known...that is until he started using pain killers. As I begin to work the steps in Al-Anon I'm hopeful that the answers become more clear to me and that the right path for me will open up. I feel like we are both so new to recovery that we need to focus on that rather than the marriage. If we are meant to be together we will be, but I don't want to force the issue.

I would love to hear some stories of hope that I will be able to trust him or anyone for that matter again!

kmangel

I think you are right to be working on recovery, not your marriage at this time. I think I would keep working on your and his recovery--get some time under your belt--before seeking marriage counseling. Marriage counseling will be excellent for the two of you, but not until there is some time in recovery--perhaps a year, maybe longer. Marriage counseling at this point in time is a bit premature because he must be secure in his recovery to be able to put your needs before his own needs.

Chino

The more I learn myself - good bad and ugly - the more I work on me. There were and still are some things I need to change about myself, self defeating behaviors and ways of thinking. I also have to continue developing and maintaining all the healthier stuff. The more I take care of myself, accept it's my responsibility, the more I trust myself to do exactly that. The more I trust and 100% accept myself, who I am and the person I want to be, the more I trust and accept that others will be exactly who are they are and want to be, too.

I think you're on a great road. Keep on, keepin' on, one day at a time

Freedom1990

Trust is earned. My family did not trust me for a long time after I got into recovery and rightfully so. I hurt everyone around me in my active addiction.

I found myself the single parent of an 8-year-old daughter after I got out of rehab, and I started life over in the same little town where I went to rehab at.

For me, it took long-term recovery and consistency in my recovery for people to start trusting me.

Today I have 20+ years clean/sober. I am an active member of my home AA group and currently serve as treasurer. I've established myself as a member of the community over the years, and have a multitude of wonderful friends.

Time and consistency are the biggest indicators of earning any trust, in my opinion.

I'm glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post!