Advice needed on starting a relationship with a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Advice needed on starting a relationship with a recovering alcoholic
I am sorry if this has been covered before. I cant find it. But if it has, please feel free to point me in that direction.
Ok... my story.
I met "Dan" 8 years ago. We had a short, yet very intense relationship. At that point, he was an alcoholic. I didnt know that, because his job included a lot of partying. I thought it was normal and never out of controll. After we parted, I guess it because very hard on him. 5 years ago he had his 2nd DUI and went into treatment and became sober. He has had a few slip ups, but has been good about keeping the sober life. I didnt have much contact with "Dan" over the last 8 years and just learned all of this from him recently when we reconnected.
"Dan" and I are considering starting a relationship again. Actually, we are committed to being in eachothers lives whether its romantic or not.
My question is this...
What can I do for him to help him continue his sobriety? I want him to succeed. Does this mean that I shouldnt drink in his presense? Should I not have alcohol in my home when he comes to visit? Any other advice?
How would I go about asking him what I can do to help him? I dont want to make him feel like I am going to have to "sacrifice" things for him. Alcohol is just a beverage for me and I would give it up in a heartbeat for him to be sober.
I just dont know what to do and I dont want to make a mistake out of ignorance and contribute to him ever having a "relapse'. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Ok... my story.
I met "Dan" 8 years ago. We had a short, yet very intense relationship. At that point, he was an alcoholic. I didnt know that, because his job included a lot of partying. I thought it was normal and never out of controll. After we parted, I guess it because very hard on him. 5 years ago he had his 2nd DUI and went into treatment and became sober. He has had a few slip ups, but has been good about keeping the sober life. I didnt have much contact with "Dan" over the last 8 years and just learned all of this from him recently when we reconnected.
"Dan" and I are considering starting a relationship again. Actually, we are committed to being in eachothers lives whether its romantic or not.
My question is this...
What can I do for him to help him continue his sobriety? I want him to succeed. Does this mean that I shouldnt drink in his presense? Should I not have alcohol in my home when he comes to visit? Any other advice?
How would I go about asking him what I can do to help him? I dont want to make him feel like I am going to have to "sacrifice" things for him. Alcohol is just a beverage for me and I would give it up in a heartbeat for him to be sober.
I just dont know what to do and I dont want to make a mistake out of ignorance and contribute to him ever having a "relapse'. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well I would not knowingly enter a personal relationship with a recovering alcoholic that had 'slip ups'. The risks are to high for me personally. That is my experience and sharing 
My answer to your question is that you can begin to attend al-anon meetings. You can read all the stickies at the top. If he is in AA you can respect that as a priority in his life. Build open communication with him.
Beyond that I don't think there is much you can do. His sobriety is a job only he can manage.
My advice is to always always maintain your own personal boundaries, your own space, and your independence. I value those things in any relationship, and they are very important in a relationship with an alcoholic - even one in recovery.
My answer to your question is that you can begin to attend al-anon meetings. You can read all the stickies at the top. If he is in AA you can respect that as a priority in his life. Build open communication with him.
Beyond that I don't think there is much you can do. His sobriety is a job only he can manage.
My advice is to always always maintain your own personal boundaries, your own space, and your independence. I value those things in any relationship, and they are very important in a relationship with an alcoholic - even one in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Definitely attend Al Anon meetings and don't focus all of your attention on him. That has been my mistake in my relationship and marriage to an alcoholic/ addict... focusing too much on his needs and not my own. I am finally starting to focus on myself more and realize that no matter what I do or don't do isn't why he is or isn't sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Raynesmith, and welcome to SR!
There are two recommendations I'd like to make that have helped me tremendously. Look for Alanon meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among those who have alcoholic loved ones. The best help you can be to him is to have a program of recovery for yourself. I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and Alanon has been a lifesaver for me.
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me! She has a whole series of books.
There are some excellent 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum where you can educate yourself further on alcoholism.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends!
There are two recommendations I'd like to make that have helped me tremendously. Look for Alanon meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among those who have alcoholic loved ones. The best help you can be to him is to have a program of recovery for yourself. I have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction, and Alanon has been a lifesaver for me.
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me! She has a whole series of books.
There are some excellent 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum where you can educate yourself further on alcoholism.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Rayne,
As a recovering alcoholic, here are my thoughts based on my experience - his situation may well be different.
I am 18 months sober, and I now can tolerate going to dinner when others have a drink. I would prefer not to be in that situation, but sometimes social or business situations arise where its difficult to avoid. If you want a relationship with him and want to be as supportive as possible, then don't drink when you are around him.
Every person's recovery is unique, as are the things that trigger them. It's hard to explain even when they are your own triggers, and it is (IMO) impossible to judge them for someone else. For me - it's all about stress. If I am uncomfortable in a social situation and there's alcohol present, I leave. No exceptions. If I am uncomfortable in an alcohol-free situation (I call it feeling "squirrelly"), I know I need to assess whats causing the feeling and deal with it, usually by going to a meeting or talking with my sponsor.
This is important... if you get only one thing from this post remember this: addiction thrives on delusion. If your friend says he's fine when he appears not to be, be wary. That doesn't mean attempt to control, or "solve" his problem, just be really aware of whats happening. If things start occurring that do not add up, if lies start to crop up, his actions and his words start to become inconsistent... he may well have relapsed or be on his way to one.
I recommend you go to Al-Anon and perhaps an open meeting of AA to get a sense of what you're dealing with. I would also recommend the book Under the Influence - its got a ton of information on what addiction looks like and how it progresses.
Ultimately, you have no control over his recovery. It's his alone to manage and nurture. But don't kid yourself... if he had to go to treatment to get sober, he's almost certainly an alcoholic and will remain so for the rest of his days.
Good luck.
As a recovering alcoholic, here are my thoughts based on my experience - his situation may well be different.
I am 18 months sober, and I now can tolerate going to dinner when others have a drink. I would prefer not to be in that situation, but sometimes social or business situations arise where its difficult to avoid. If you want a relationship with him and want to be as supportive as possible, then don't drink when you are around him.
Every person's recovery is unique, as are the things that trigger them. It's hard to explain even when they are your own triggers, and it is (IMO) impossible to judge them for someone else. For me - it's all about stress. If I am uncomfortable in a social situation and there's alcohol present, I leave. No exceptions. If I am uncomfortable in an alcohol-free situation (I call it feeling "squirrelly"), I know I need to assess whats causing the feeling and deal with it, usually by going to a meeting or talking with my sponsor.
This is important... if you get only one thing from this post remember this: addiction thrives on delusion. If your friend says he's fine when he appears not to be, be wary. That doesn't mean attempt to control, or "solve" his problem, just be really aware of whats happening. If things start occurring that do not add up, if lies start to crop up, his actions and his words start to become inconsistent... he may well have relapsed or be on his way to one.
I recommend you go to Al-Anon and perhaps an open meeting of AA to get a sense of what you're dealing with. I would also recommend the book Under the Influence - its got a ton of information on what addiction looks like and how it progresses.
Ultimately, you have no control over his recovery. It's his alone to manage and nurture. But don't kid yourself... if he had to go to treatment to get sober, he's almost certainly an alcoholic and will remain so for the rest of his days.
Good luck.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Raynesmith 
What can I do for him to help him continue his sobriety?
I want him to succeed. Does this mean that I shouldnt drink in his presense? Should I not have alcohol in my home when he comes to visit?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but sad you had to.
I'll let other chime in with their ideas but here's a crucial tool regardless of what you decide to do.
3C's
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
I'll let other chime in with their ideas but here's a crucial tool regardless of what you decide to do.
3C's
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
You have alot of "I" in this post
You cant change NOTHING & You cant keep him SOBER
It is all about what HE wants to do with his soberiety
And it is all about what YOU want & can handle in life
Am I reading this correct? He has been sober for 5 years?
Be sure you get a real good definition in your head
and in what you see of what SOBER is vs. SOBERIETY....
Huge Difference!!!!!! Mentally, physically, emotionally
Read up on dry drunks, wet brain, white knuckling the program,
relapse, triggers, the cost of rehab, the emotional/physical abuse,
divorce rates, financial problems, mental evaluations,
Those are some red flags, that I would certainly look for if I were
in your shoes..
If you dont know what a relapse is and what it entails, you may
be in for a real eye opener.....
Some dont just sit and drink around the kitchen table like the good ol
boys...
Mine became the devil......Pissed his pants, laid on the floor, drove drunk,
couldnt go to work, couldnt think like an adult, got mean with me, made
an ass out of himself, fell over in public drunk, AND recently has just spent
$2100 on whiskey with his relapse last month ...
So is RELAPSE okay for me? ** NO WAY IN HELL **
Sorry, if this sounds blunt, but Im not real good at sugar coating
the facts of my life with an alcoholic.....
For your sake, I hope he has found true soberiety
Thats what we all hope for...
Best of Luck!
You cant change NOTHING & You cant keep him SOBER
It is all about what HE wants to do with his soberiety
And it is all about what YOU want & can handle in life
Am I reading this correct? He has been sober for 5 years?
Be sure you get a real good definition in your head
and in what you see of what SOBER is vs. SOBERIETY....
Huge Difference!!!!!! Mentally, physically, emotionally
Read up on dry drunks, wet brain, white knuckling the program,
relapse, triggers, the cost of rehab, the emotional/physical abuse,
divorce rates, financial problems, mental evaluations,
Those are some red flags, that I would certainly look for if I were
in your shoes..
If you dont know what a relapse is and what it entails, you may
be in for a real eye opener.....
Some dont just sit and drink around the kitchen table like the good ol
boys...
Mine became the devil......Pissed his pants, laid on the floor, drove drunk,
couldnt go to work, couldnt think like an adult, got mean with me, made
an ass out of himself, fell over in public drunk, AND recently has just spent
$2100 on whiskey with his relapse last month ...
So is RELAPSE okay for me? ** NO WAY IN HELL **
Sorry, if this sounds blunt, but Im not real good at sugar coating
the facts of my life with an alcoholic.....
For your sake, I hope he has found true soberiety
Thats what we all hope for...
Best of Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Raynesmith
He has had a few slip ups, but has been good about keeping the sober life. I didnt have much contact with "Dan" over the last 8 years and just learned all of this from him recently when we reconnected.
"Dan" and I are considering starting a relationship again. Actually, we are committed to being in eachothers lives whether its romantic or not.
"Dan" and I are considering starting a relationship again. Actually, we are committed to being in eachothers lives whether its romantic or not.
You have to be careful b/c "Dan" can burn through all of your love. I'm not kidding! If you decide to spend time with him take things very, very, very slow. Make time for family & friends and continue to make new friends (male & female) into your social circle. I made this mistake and I regret it now!!
Go through the site and read the posts. A lot of people will say run!
BTW - When was his last slip up? What's he doing to stay on the straight and narrow?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: chicago, IL
Posts: 64
I don't mean to sound crass with this advice, but after learning the full extent of what it means to be the spouse of a RA, I would think long and hard if I were you, Raynesmith.
I think this is a bigger "red flag" than I originally believed when I first learned of my wife's addiction/recovery.
A couple of things to ask yourself:
* What are Dan's boundaries?
* How much do you enjoy drinking even socially? I hear you say you'd easily give it up, but a lifetime is long when you feel like you are missing out.
* Are you sure he is "the One," and/or, do you believe in the concept of "the One"? (if you don't believe in that concept, then there you go)
Relationships are tough. Marriage is the toughest of them all, IMO. I'm not saying I regret getting married, but if I knew then what I know now, I'm honestly not sure if I'd make the same choice.
I think this is a bigger "red flag" than I originally believed when I first learned of my wife's addiction/recovery.
A couple of things to ask yourself:
* What are Dan's boundaries?
* How much do you enjoy drinking even socially? I hear you say you'd easily give it up, but a lifetime is long when you feel like you are missing out.
* Are you sure he is "the One," and/or, do you believe in the concept of "the One"? (if you don't believe in that concept, then there you go)
Relationships are tough. Marriage is the toughest of them all, IMO. I'm not saying I regret getting married, but if I knew then what I know now, I'm honestly not sure if I'd make the same choice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
It is ok to be in his life and when we don't have any personal experience with alcoholism, it is ok to ask a lot of questions about the alcoholic in relation to ourselves.
The thing is, it isn't a healthy life unless he commits and sticks to a sound recovery plan. My only thought to you is, What is the hurry for the romance? If you already want to be in one another's life then maybe that should be where it stays until you have a better idea of how his life unfolds.
You may just be reconnecting and wanting to go slow but when that barn door opens (romance) you know how he already is. Think about your boundaries before things get out of control emotionally.
The thing is, it isn't a healthy life unless he commits and sticks to a sound recovery plan. My only thought to you is, What is the hurry for the romance? If you already want to be in one another's life then maybe that should be where it stays until you have a better idea of how his life unfolds.
You may just be reconnecting and wanting to go slow but when that barn door opens (romance) you know how he already is. Think about your boundaries before things get out of control emotionally.
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