Attended first Al-anon meeting, don't think its for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NE
Posts: 15
Attended first Al-anon meeting, don't think its for me
My husband has been in recovery and attending AA for about a month now. And like many of you, I'm finding myself more lonely and distraught then ever before.
So, tonight I attended an Al-anon meeting. Everyone was very nice, but, I am not a religious person. I don't believe in God or in a higher power. I believe we are all responsible for our own lives, and there isn't any divine being driving us.
At the end of tonight's meeting they said a very christian prayer and then did the whole hug thing. That didn't sit well with me. I also felt somewhat obligated to buy a book that one of the guys there suggested was good for newbies. I bought "Courage to Change." After reading a few excerpts, I'm finding it to be highly religious and a bit hard to swallow.
I also didn't realize that to be in al-anon, I will also have to get a sponsor and do the 12 steps just like my RAH.
I've always been a bit of a loner, and I really am finding all of this very difficult. I understand the benefits of a support group, but I really don't like that this mirrors AA so much. The one thing I do know is that I'm not the alcoholic, so why do I have to go through 'recovery' just as he is doing?
So, tonight I attended an Al-anon meeting. Everyone was very nice, but, I am not a religious person. I don't believe in God or in a higher power. I believe we are all responsible for our own lives, and there isn't any divine being driving us.
At the end of tonight's meeting they said a very christian prayer and then did the whole hug thing. That didn't sit well with me. I also felt somewhat obligated to buy a book that one of the guys there suggested was good for newbies. I bought "Courage to Change." After reading a few excerpts, I'm finding it to be highly religious and a bit hard to swallow.
I also didn't realize that to be in al-anon, I will also have to get a sponsor and do the 12 steps just like my RAH.
I've always been a bit of a loner, and I really am finding all of this very difficult. I understand the benefits of a support group, but I really don't like that this mirrors AA so much. The one thing I do know is that I'm not the alcoholic, so why do I have to go through 'recovery' just as he is doing?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
You don't have to do anything. You don't have to buy the books, but I'm glad you got one. You don't have to get a sponsor or work the steps. You can just go and listen.
The need for my 'recovery' didn't seem so obvious at first. I mean, I'm not the ones with the problem. We can drink or not drink. So why do i need al-anon? Because whether or not I wanted to admit it, my life was affected by someone else's drinking. I had learned very unhealthy behaviors in my reacting to my AH and to my dry father.
There are questions you had previously asked... Regarding what you should and shouldn't do for his recovery. In al-anon, you will learn what those answers are for YOU! No one can tell you what to do.
Please consider going to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind.
The need for my 'recovery' didn't seem so obvious at first. I mean, I'm not the ones with the problem. We can drink or not drink. So why do i need al-anon? Because whether or not I wanted to admit it, my life was affected by someone else's drinking. I had learned very unhealthy behaviors in my reacting to my AH and to my dry father.
There are questions you had previously asked... Regarding what you should and shouldn't do for his recovery. In al-anon, you will learn what those answers are for YOU! No one can tell you what to do.
Please consider going to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I think you are feeling what many folks feel when they first go to Al Anon. But as someone who has been going for about a year I can tell you it has saved my life.
Here are some of the things that people often tell newbies:
Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is or isn't for you.
Try different meetings. Each meeting has its own set of regulars and that makes each meeting have ots own flavor. Maybe one will fit you better.
Many folks who go there are not religious. One of the slogans-take what you need and leave the rest works well here. Some folks in my group are not religious. They respectfully stand quietly while we say the closing prayer. But they value the wisdom of folks who have loved someone who's drinking has affected their lives.
The tools you will gain to be able to focus on your life and handle difficult situations are what will bring you to a more peaceful place in your life.
You don't have to get a sponser. I still don't have one.
You don't have to work the steps. Those are the suggestions for people who want to get the most out of the program, but there are so many other things to be gained from meetings without working the steps.
I think most folks don't start working the steps until they get to the point of being able to focus on themselves.
I did not believe I was codependent. I did not think I needed recovery either.
But I was able to see just how my thinking and perceptions had been skewed by living with an alcoholic. I was obsessive in my thinking-this eats up so much time and energy. I was so angry all the time. I was so focused on him. Al Anon is for me. I realized that the person I had become was not the person I wanted to be.
And the fact that it mirrors AA I think is helpful because it leads us to understand some of the doctrines that our loved ones are learning about and experiencing.
I hope you give it a chance. I know many folks here feel very stronly about how much it has helped them so I hope others chime in with their experiences.
Here are some of the things that people often tell newbies:
Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is or isn't for you.
Try different meetings. Each meeting has its own set of regulars and that makes each meeting have ots own flavor. Maybe one will fit you better.
Many folks who go there are not religious. One of the slogans-take what you need and leave the rest works well here. Some folks in my group are not religious. They respectfully stand quietly while we say the closing prayer. But they value the wisdom of folks who have loved someone who's drinking has affected their lives.
The tools you will gain to be able to focus on your life and handle difficult situations are what will bring you to a more peaceful place in your life.
You don't have to get a sponser. I still don't have one.
You don't have to work the steps. Those are the suggestions for people who want to get the most out of the program, but there are so many other things to be gained from meetings without working the steps.
I think most folks don't start working the steps until they get to the point of being able to focus on themselves.
I did not believe I was codependent. I did not think I needed recovery either.
But I was able to see just how my thinking and perceptions had been skewed by living with an alcoholic. I was obsessive in my thinking-this eats up so much time and energy. I was so angry all the time. I was so focused on him. Al Anon is for me. I realized that the person I had become was not the person I wanted to be.
And the fact that it mirrors AA I think is helpful because it leads us to understand some of the doctrines that our loved ones are learning about and experiencing.
I hope you give it a chance. I know many folks here feel very stronly about how much it has helped them so I hope others chime in with their experiences.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: No Surf In Cleveland USA
Posts: 60
Just to let ya know I'm not big on the HP/God thing also. Been to about 6 meetings. Did try 3 different meeting places. The 3rd was the ticket. The first two were O.K.. One meeting had about about 20 women and I was the only guy. They were all super nice and helpfull but I felt out of place. The 3rd had a 50/50 mix, so I felt at ease a bit.
Right now I can't see myself being a life'r in Al-Anon
I Like to listen and some good advice comes out. Its also nice to share with other strangers that have gone thru the same issues. That in itself is a great help.
We have all been trying to help the A's in our lifes. Its time we help ourselves !
Have A Good 1,
Right now I can't see myself being a life'r in Al-Anon
I Like to listen and some good advice comes out. Its also nice to share with other strangers that have gone thru the same issues. That in itself is a great help.
We have all been trying to help the A's in our lifes. Its time we help ourselves !
Have A Good 1,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been going to Al-Anon about 1.5yrs and open AA meetings for about 8 mths. I am in the process of working the steps in a group setting (sponsorship is an issue due to the size of the town I live in).
I am not a religious person. I continue to struggle with the HP concept and it was hard to here the prayer at the end of the meeting at first. I have not yet figured out how that part plays a role for me but it has been interesting to figure out how others view the HP....and I have learned a lot.
I have one good friend in recovery who views it like a tour guide and a Linus's blankie from peanuts. There to support her but she has a say and choice in everything. Others use the group as their HP, others a more traditional version of God.
Learning this about the group I am in though (and seeing that everyone's own feelings were taken into consideration....and everyone regardless of their HP respected everyone else) has been GREAT for me. From that angle Al-Anon has been one of the most open places I have ever been involved with. That is part of what I take and I am working on the rest.
I am not a religious person. I continue to struggle with the HP concept and it was hard to here the prayer at the end of the meeting at first. I have not yet figured out how that part plays a role for me but it has been interesting to figure out how others view the HP....and I have learned a lot.
I have one good friend in recovery who views it like a tour guide and a Linus's blankie from peanuts. There to support her but she has a say and choice in everything. Others use the group as their HP, others a more traditional version of God.
Learning this about the group I am in though (and seeing that everyone's own feelings were taken into consideration....and everyone regardless of their HP respected everyone else) has been GREAT for me. From that angle Al-Anon has been one of the most open places I have ever been involved with. That is part of what I take and I am working on the rest.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
As has been stated before:
There are no musts in Al-Anon.
Should I choose to heed the suggestion to work the 12 steps the higher power found within is one of my own understanding. No one can determine my understanding of my higher power for me so I do not find any issue with having one of my own understanding. I certainly had some issues with having a higher power to begin with but then I reconciled that issue by working steps 1, 2 and 3.
Step 1 was deceptive in its simplicity because powerlessness, for me, was the very thing I had the most trouble admitting. Fortunately I had sufficient unmanageability to strongly indicate the effects of my insane refusal of admission of powerlessness. Fortunately I came to believe my higher power could restore me to sanity but I had to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. At that point I was ready to submit my will and my life (also known as my thoughts and my actions) to the CARE of my higher power. It was especially important to understand that my higher power cared, that he loved me more than I loved me.
I have to work steps 1, 2 and 3 on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.
In step 2 I "came" to meetings and as a result I "came to" grips with my powerlessness and the resulting unmanageability brought about by the refusal to admit my powerlessness. At that point I "came to believe" that my higher power could restore me to sanity.
In step 2 I like the word "restore" because I can liken myself to a worthy project much like a vintage car. Many parts will have to be undone, reworked, polished and refitted before the whole will become clear and beautiful. It will be a work of love and great patience but in the end the underlying significance is that I am WORTH it.
Sorry for the long post but, for me, Al-Anon was a lot to take in and commit to until I really started to work steps 1, 2 and 3. 1,2 and 3 are the foundation of the entire program. Fortunately for me I never lose the abject recollection of utter unmanageability that drove me into those rooms to begin with.
There are no musts in Al-Anon.
Should I choose to heed the suggestion to work the 12 steps the higher power found within is one of my own understanding. No one can determine my understanding of my higher power for me so I do not find any issue with having one of my own understanding. I certainly had some issues with having a higher power to begin with but then I reconciled that issue by working steps 1, 2 and 3.
Step 1 was deceptive in its simplicity because powerlessness, for me, was the very thing I had the most trouble admitting. Fortunately I had sufficient unmanageability to strongly indicate the effects of my insane refusal of admission of powerlessness. Fortunately I came to believe my higher power could restore me to sanity but I had to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. At that point I was ready to submit my will and my life (also known as my thoughts and my actions) to the CARE of my higher power. It was especially important to understand that my higher power cared, that he loved me more than I loved me.
I have to work steps 1, 2 and 3 on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.
In step 2 I "came" to meetings and as a result I "came to" grips with my powerlessness and the resulting unmanageability brought about by the refusal to admit my powerlessness. At that point I "came to believe" that my higher power could restore me to sanity.
In step 2 I like the word "restore" because I can liken myself to a worthy project much like a vintage car. Many parts will have to be undone, reworked, polished and refitted before the whole will become clear and beautiful. It will be a work of love and great patience but in the end the underlying significance is that I am WORTH it.
Sorry for the long post but, for me, Al-Anon was a lot to take in and commit to until I really started to work steps 1, 2 and 3. 1,2 and 3 are the foundation of the entire program. Fortunately for me I never lose the abject recollection of utter unmanageability that drove me into those rooms to begin with.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Candi, as an atheist I understand your problem. This is what works for me. My HP as I understand it is the collective wisdom and experience of all those who are part of the al-anon and SR families. There is huge amounts of wisdom, strength and experience to be had there. Sayings like let go and let god simply mean, to me of course, to accept that there are things beyond my control and to let go of trying to control or change them.
This might help also. It is a non-spiritual version of the 12 steps.
The Proactive Twelve Steps (printable)
As they say, take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
This might help also. It is a non-spiritual version of the 12 steps.
The Proactive Twelve Steps (printable)
As they say, take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
When I went to my first Al Anon meeting, I didn't think it was for me either. I didn't identify and feel what others were talking about. I kept going to the meetings because I, too was distraught, thought my husband was in recovery at the time and he seemed happier than me. As I kept going back to the meetings, started to open my mind, read Al Anon literature, my denial started breaking away. I started realizing that I did identify and feel what others were saying, but I had denied it for so long so I didn't have to face reality. Al Anon is spiritual but not religious. For me, spirituality is finding inner peace. It is realizing that I cannot do things on my own. I tried to control things for too long to find out that the only thing changing is my sanity! It has taken me time to try to understand that I am also "sick" just as the alcoholic/ addict in my behaviors. That was a hard one to swallow.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You don't have to do anything in Al-Anon that you don't feel comfortable doing.
Also, there's a reason the meeting uses the term "Higher Power" rather than "God." Some people choose the meeting as their Higher Power, you can choose whatever you like. The point is not so much what your Higher Power is, but rather that you admit that you are not all-powerful yourself. When we let go of pretending we can control things that we can't control, we are able to focus on the things we can control, and change some of them - and boy what a difference it can make!
As for working the steps, I still haven't. I know what they are, I can talk about them if I have to, but I haven't worked them, and I don't intend to work them in the short term - I've got some things to work through that are of bigger importance to me right now.
As for a sponsor, I do have one of those. We sunbathe by the pool, and watch movies together, and go out to dinner on the weekends. I'll call her when I find myself in crisis mode, and she helps me snap out of the panic and figure out what I need to do to solve my problem. (She doesn't tell me the answers, mind you, because they're different for everyone - she's just very good at redirecting my thinking so it goes in a healthy direction, and I decide from there.)
We need some sort of recovery, because dealing with an active alcoholic makes us crazy, too, and we learn all sorts of coping mechanisms that we cling to thinking they help us but they really make it worse. The nice thing about our recovery, though, is it's truly a la carte - pick the bits you like, and leave the rest.
Also, there's a reason the meeting uses the term "Higher Power" rather than "God." Some people choose the meeting as their Higher Power, you can choose whatever you like. The point is not so much what your Higher Power is, but rather that you admit that you are not all-powerful yourself. When we let go of pretending we can control things that we can't control, we are able to focus on the things we can control, and change some of them - and boy what a difference it can make!
As for working the steps, I still haven't. I know what they are, I can talk about them if I have to, but I haven't worked them, and I don't intend to work them in the short term - I've got some things to work through that are of bigger importance to me right now.
As for a sponsor, I do have one of those. We sunbathe by the pool, and watch movies together, and go out to dinner on the weekends. I'll call her when I find myself in crisis mode, and she helps me snap out of the panic and figure out what I need to do to solve my problem. (She doesn't tell me the answers, mind you, because they're different for everyone - she's just very good at redirecting my thinking so it goes in a healthy direction, and I decide from there.)
We need some sort of recovery, because dealing with an active alcoholic makes us crazy, too, and we learn all sorts of coping mechanisms that we cling to thinking they help us but they really make it worse. The nice thing about our recovery, though, is it's truly a la carte - pick the bits you like, and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My first Al-Anon meeting felt like a sham. I mean, really, I was there to find a way to get my husband to stop drinking so much and grow up. And I was really super angry that I even had to be doing this in the first place and despondent over my lack of control! It took several weeks before I tried that second meeting. Several weeks more until the third. But I kept at it, and by listening to others sharing their experiences found I was slowly walking away from each meeting with a sense of calmness and peace and feeling far less lonely.
I too struggled with the whole Higher Power thing, until I realized the power in prayer. I have no idea about a divine power but I know my HP is not driving my boat through life, I am. I think of my HP as more of a higher self awareness. Prayers help me keep issues top of mind so I don't revert back to old bad behaviors. Al-Anon has led me to a place where I can let go of my negative emotions and find some serenity. As cheesy as it sounded the first handful of times, it does "work if you work it".
I am almost a year in, and just finally approached someone about sponsoring, and I've worked through the first 5 steps by myself, using the Al-Anon books as a guide.
There was no denying that Step 1 was very true in my life... and I can say today I no longer experience those feelings of un-manageability anymore. For that, every meeting was entirely worth it!
I too struggled with the whole Higher Power thing, until I realized the power in prayer. I have no idea about a divine power but I know my HP is not driving my boat through life, I am. I think of my HP as more of a higher self awareness. Prayers help me keep issues top of mind so I don't revert back to old bad behaviors. Al-Anon has led me to a place where I can let go of my negative emotions and find some serenity. As cheesy as it sounded the first handful of times, it does "work if you work it".
I am almost a year in, and just finally approached someone about sponsoring, and I've worked through the first 5 steps by myself, using the Al-Anon books as a guide.
There was no denying that Step 1 was very true in my life... and I can say today I no longer experience those feelings of un-manageability anymore. For that, every meeting was entirely worth it!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Wow - there has been some great replies to your post!
I do hope you give the suggestion of trying at least 6 meetings before you make your decision ~ I would like to add that also if the closing prayer and hugs afterwards make you uncomfortable at first - you don't have to repeat the prayer and if someone goes to hug you, you can say I'm not comfortable with that right now. . .
or when everyone stands to say the closing prayer, you could always quietly leave the room.
Congrats on taking the first step toward helping yourself - I was amazed at how much help I got from recovery ~ I hope it helps you also.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I do hope you give the suggestion of trying at least 6 meetings before you make your decision ~ I would like to add that also if the closing prayer and hugs afterwards make you uncomfortable at first - you don't have to repeat the prayer and if someone goes to hug you, you can say I'm not comfortable with that right now. . .
or when everyone stands to say the closing prayer, you could always quietly leave the room.
Congrats on taking the first step toward helping yourself - I was amazed at how much help I got from recovery ~ I hope it helps you also.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NE
Posts: 15
Thank you all for your helpful posts.
I guess another reason why I feel it's not for me, is that I resolved a long time ago that my happiness wasn't dependent upon my AH. I knew his alcoholism was his, and I was not responsible for it, nor could I control it. It had to be up to him. And that was pretty much what I told him when I told him if he wanted to stay with us (his family), he had to go to AA. That sounds a bit like I was trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum but the reality was, that I was doing that for myself and my family more than for him. I didn't know what he would do, but I knew what I was going to do. I was ready to move on with my life because his destructive lifestyle was endangering my family.
He chose sobriety. I'm proud of him for that. But since then, I have been confused about my feelings. He is not an expressive man. And since getting sober, he is very withdrawn. He doesn't want to make love, and showing affection for me seems very difficult for him. It's hard not to take that personally. I don't see how taking steps to my own recovery can help me accept that he is fine with just coexisting with me rather than being a loving partner in life. I need to feel loved and want a partner who can show me that he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic thing to want out of a marriage.
I'm also bitter about the idea that I need to 'recover' from something he brought into our family. It's like he's the tasmanian devil and I'm supposed to continually focus on how he has affected me, or how I have reacted toward him. I know you are all saying that Alanon is about me. But I wouldn't be going to alanon if it wasn't for him. And part of realizing that I have to take care of myself is that I don't want to do things that are a reaction to him anymore. It's all very, stuck between a rock and and a hard place, sort of thing.
I guess another reason why I feel it's not for me, is that I resolved a long time ago that my happiness wasn't dependent upon my AH. I knew his alcoholism was his, and I was not responsible for it, nor could I control it. It had to be up to him. And that was pretty much what I told him when I told him if he wanted to stay with us (his family), he had to go to AA. That sounds a bit like I was trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum but the reality was, that I was doing that for myself and my family more than for him. I didn't know what he would do, but I knew what I was going to do. I was ready to move on with my life because his destructive lifestyle was endangering my family.
He chose sobriety. I'm proud of him for that. But since then, I have been confused about my feelings. He is not an expressive man. And since getting sober, he is very withdrawn. He doesn't want to make love, and showing affection for me seems very difficult for him. It's hard not to take that personally. I don't see how taking steps to my own recovery can help me accept that he is fine with just coexisting with me rather than being a loving partner in life. I need to feel loved and want a partner who can show me that he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic thing to want out of a marriage.
I'm also bitter about the idea that I need to 'recover' from something he brought into our family. It's like he's the tasmanian devil and I'm supposed to continually focus on how he has affected me, or how I have reacted toward him. I know you are all saying that Alanon is about me. But I wouldn't be going to alanon if it wasn't for him. And part of realizing that I have to take care of myself is that I don't want to do things that are a reaction to him anymore. It's all very, stuck between a rock and and a hard place, sort of thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I know for me - part of the biggest issue I wrangle with is my own expectations and how they get me in trouble. You see, I am married and I expect love, compassion and respect from my spouse. I expect intimacy and affection. Those are my wants/needs... and ya know, that's completely okay to want those things from my marriage. But expecting to get all of that from my alcoholic husband... leads me down a long, rough, frustrating road. I believe that he's capable of giving me all those things I want... and when he continues to not give me those things. I get let down and hurt. I can keep going back to him, explaining and re-explaining what I need him to do in our marriage... but that isn't going to change anything. Nope, that's just the definition of insanity right there. Doing the same thing over and over again, and hoping for a different result.
Through SR, Al-anon, and reading some other Codependent books... I've learned that my behavior (continually looking for emotional support from someone who is not capable of giving me it!)... is hurting me. I've learned that _I_ have repeatedly set myself up for disappointment. My AH didn't dissappoint me... he was just being himself.
I'm (slowly!) learning that I have to live life AS-IS. Look at life in reality, not what I hope it could be, or what I could make it into... what is. Accept my AH as who he is. What is he capable of giving me? And then ask myself, is that enough? Can I live with it or will I someday get frustrated again, and go back to nagging him to give me more of something he just doesn't have?
I am _still_ struggling with the acceptance of reality. I have filed for divorce. I'm frustrated that I have to do this to our family. I'm pissed off that he continues to drink even in spite of the consequences. But the reality is, I am not happy with who he is as a person. He doesn't give me the love and respect I want. He does very irresponsible things that put our family at risk. So, I have to make my decisions based on that.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense to you... but it's what I am feeling right now. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling disease. It affects everyone around it - even if we don't realize it. The thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was how I found so many people in the rooms of Al-anon... that told MY story. At first I was so sad at how terminally un-unique my situation was, and then I was relieved to learn (finally!!) that I wasn't crazy! I wasn't wrong for wanting what I wanted.
Through SR, Al-anon, and reading some other Codependent books... I've learned that my behavior (continually looking for emotional support from someone who is not capable of giving me it!)... is hurting me. I've learned that _I_ have repeatedly set myself up for disappointment. My AH didn't dissappoint me... he was just being himself.
I'm (slowly!) learning that I have to live life AS-IS. Look at life in reality, not what I hope it could be, or what I could make it into... what is. Accept my AH as who he is. What is he capable of giving me? And then ask myself, is that enough? Can I live with it or will I someday get frustrated again, and go back to nagging him to give me more of something he just doesn't have?
I am _still_ struggling with the acceptance of reality. I have filed for divorce. I'm frustrated that I have to do this to our family. I'm pissed off that he continues to drink even in spite of the consequences. But the reality is, I am not happy with who he is as a person. He doesn't give me the love and respect I want. He does very irresponsible things that put our family at risk. So, I have to make my decisions based on that.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense to you... but it's what I am feeling right now. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling disease. It affects everyone around it - even if we don't realize it. The thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was how I found so many people in the rooms of Al-anon... that told MY story. At first I was so sad at how terminally un-unique my situation was, and then I was relieved to learn (finally!!) that I wasn't crazy! I wasn't wrong for wanting what I wanted.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
OH very well said Gettingby! I missed my Al-anon meeting yesterday and I feel like I just had a mini session sitting right here on my couch! Thank you! Understanding the difference between a want and an expectation is huge. Where I have fallen on my face over and over is feeling the disappointment because my expectations were not met, not just with my RAH but others too. Somehow I thought it my wants were not being met because there was something wrong with me. If I had only acted a certain way or said the right thing it would have been different. The reality was I had been going to the hardware store for bread. It was easier for me to see this with others and I was way more accepting of who they were, but with RAH I had a really hard time with it.
Sorry for high jacking this thread, but Gettingby is so good at sharing her wisdom I just had to thank her!
Sorry for high jacking this thread, but Gettingby is so good at sharing her wisdom I just had to thank her!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by Candiland 
Thank you all for your helpful posts.
I guess another reason why I feel it's not for me, is that I resolved a long time ago that my happiness wasn't dependent upon my AH. I knew his alcoholism was his, and I was not responsible for it, nor could I control it. It had to be up to him. And that was pretty much what I told him when I told him if he wanted to stay with us (his family), he had to go to AA. That sounds a bit like I was trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum but the reality was, that I was doing that for myself and my family more than for him. I didn't know what he would do, but I knew what I was going to do. I was ready to move on with my life because his destructive lifestyle was endangering my family.
He chose sobriety. I'm proud of him for that. But since then, I have been confused about my feelings. He is not an expressive man. And since getting sober, he is very withdrawn. He doesn't want to ma
ke love, and showing affection for me seems very difficult for him. It's hard not to take that personally. I don't see how taking steps to my own recovery can help me accept that he is fine with just coexisting with me rather than being a loving partner in life. I need to feel loved and want a partner who can show me that he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic thing to want out of a marriage.
I'm also bitter about the idea that I need to 'recover' from something he brought into our family. It's like he's the tasmanian devil and I'm supposed to continually focus on how he has affected me, or how I have reacted toward him. I know you are all saying that Alanon is about me. But I wouldn't be going to alanon if it wasn't for him. And part of realizing that I have to take care of myself is that I don't want to do things that are a reaction to him anymore. It's all very, stuck between a rock and and a hard place, sort of thing.
I guess another reason why I feel it's not for me, is that I resolved a long time ago that my happiness wasn't dependent upon my AH. I knew his alcoholism was his, and I was not responsible for it, nor could I control it. It had to be up to him. And that was pretty much what I told him when I told him if he wanted to stay with us (his family), he had to go to AA. That sounds a bit like I was trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum but the reality was, that I was doing that for myself and my family more than for him. I didn't know what he would do, but I knew what I was going to do. I was ready to move on with my life because his destructive lifestyle was endangering my family.
He chose sobriety. I'm proud of him for that. But since then, I have been confused about my feelings. He is not an expressive man. And since getting sober, he is very withdrawn. He doesn't want to ma
ke love, and showing affection for me seems very difficult for him. It's hard not to take that personally. I don't see how taking steps to my own recovery can help me accept that he is fine with just coexisting with me rather than being a loving partner in life. I need to feel loved and want a partner who can show me that he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic thing to want out of a marriage.I'm also bitter about the idea that I need to 'recover' from something he brought into our family. It's like he's the tasmanian devil and I'm supposed to continually focus on how he has affected me, or how I have reacted toward him. I know you are all saying that Alanon is about me. But I wouldn't be going to alanon if it wasn't for him. And part of realizing that I have to take care of myself is that I don't want to do things that are a reaction to him anymore. It's all very, stuck between a rock and and a hard place, sort of thing.
My first attempt at an Al-anon meeting put me smack-dab in the middle of an AA meeting. I did not like that. I even posted here about it sometime in late Sept or early Oct 2010. Then, I tried another Al-anon meeting. That one wasn't for me, either. It took a couple of tries for me to find one that seemed to click.
I'm a very huggy person with my family and close friends, but all that hugging going on there at the meeting kind of freaked me out. I put my hand up and said, "I'm not comfortable with hugs" and they didn't give me weird looks or vote me off the island for it.
After a few meetings, I sat back and listened. The stories hit home and the time has flown by. Even after this many countless meetings, I have not found a sponsor. I will, eventually. Taking my own sweet time.
I like my "Courage to Change" now, but at first it seemed a little weird. What I really liked immediately was the book by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More". That explained to me, in clear language, why it was I needed to reach outward and inward at the same time to start feeling better. I checked it out at the library so I wouldn't have to spend any money. I'm a cheapskate student. But I liked it so much, I'm going to buy the book and probably more books by this same author.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Whether it's AlAnon, Sober Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, or one-on-one therapy, I think most of us would say something that directs your attention onto yourself is good. There are alot of different AlAnon meetings held on various days, at various times, etc. where I live so it is easy to find a group/meeting that I "fit" into, hopefully you can do some shopping around if one group doesn't seem like a good place for you.
Keep posting here, keep sharing and reading here, it's good for you and for us!
Keep posting here, keep sharing and reading here, it's good for you and for us!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't go to Al-Anon, I use these boards and private counseling. It works for me. With Al-Anon I was rubbed the wrong way by the spiritualism (I am an impatient atheist) and felt like I was being urged to take on my husband's alcoholism as a facet of my identity, which is ironically one of the most codependent ways of thinking I can imagine. There is only one A-A meeting in my town, and I felt as though attending open AA meetings with my husband was, again, codependent, micro-managing behavior, so no, no Al-Anon for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Through SR, Al-anon, and reading some other Codependent books... I've learned that my behavior (continually looking for emotional support from someone who is not capable of giving me it!)... is hurting me. I've learned that _I_ have repeatedly set myself up for disappointment. My AH didn't dissappoint me... he was just being himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NE
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Florence
I don't go to Al-Anon, I use these boards and private counseling. It works for me. With Al-Anon I was rubbed the wrong way by the spiritualism (I am an impatient atheist) and felt like I was being urged to take on my husband's alcoholism as a facet of my identity, which is ironically one of the most codependent ways of thinking I can imagine. There is only one A-A meeting in my town, and I felt as though attending open AA meetings with my husband was, again, codependent, micro-managing behavior, so no, no Al-Anon for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 23
thanks for sharing your experience... I'm looking into going to an AL meeting, I know it's held in churches but I thought they left the God thing out. Didn't know about the hugging thing either. I'll probably still go to 1 or 2 (there is only 1 meeting in my area), but atleast I have a better idea of what to expect. 
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