onathread

My AH has not had a drink in about 7 weeks. (I can't call him an RAH as he is not going to meetings.) He's a binge drinker.... will go long periods of time without drinking anything and then starts up again and within days he is downing liters of whiskey. These binges typically end with some sort of dangerous situation ie him driving drunk, emergency room visit, or at the very least, DTs at home for a couple of days.

Things have been pretty good the last several weeks... we have a very good relationship when he's not drinking! But, I always seem to know when it's getting ready to happen again, and I'm seeing the signs. Funny thing, it's like I pick up on it on a sub-conscience level first. This past week I have been having dreams about him drinking again. He has also started sleeping on the couch downstairs (tell #1). Then yesterday he told me he has quit taking his antidepressants (uh oh). This morning I woke up to hear noises downstairs at 4:30am and I found him up making coffee. He grouchily tells me, "I have a meeting early this morning. Welcome to my world." (moodiness: tell #2) Next thing, he informs me he needs a lorazepam to get through this meeting (uh oh one more time.)

Oh sigh, what can I do? I guess the answer is nothing. It's like knowing a tornado is coming your way and you just have to take cover and hope for the best. Of course, I'm praying, hoping that somehow he won't go there again, but there are all these little things going on that usually indicate it won't be long now. On top of all this, I know he has some big deadlines approaching at work, and that's always bad for the mix too.

Just need to share. Typing it out helps to work it out of my mind instead of letting it bounce around up there. Thanks for listening.

TeM

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to that dread feeling. My AW has quit a few times... even for several months. It always comes back, though. Every night, as I drive home from work, I never know what state she'll be in.

I usually can tell as soon as I walk in the house; for some weird reason, she douses herself with Old Spice when she drinks...or lights a scented candle. I suppose she thinks I won't know she's been drinking if I can't smell the booze.

Hang in there, and keep posting.

Alone22

You know the signs and know it is coming. Take care of yourself before, during and after. Do you have a plan once it starts? Somewhere to go to get away from it? Hugs to you. This can't be an easy time for you.

Freedom1990

What do you want for your life in the future? Can you live indefinitely with these binges that you know will happen.

So often we sell ourselves short, not realizing how much is waiting for us in this world if we but seek it.

:ghug3

suki44883

Oh sigh, what can I do? I guess the answer is nothing.

What?? Of course you can do something. You can get the h*ll out of Dodge! Most people evacuate when floods or hurricanes are coming. Sometimes there is a home to come back to and sometimes there isn't. You don't HAVE to live in the path of a disaster. You have options.

kittykitty

My sentiments exactly. How many tornados are you going to put yourself through?

outonalimb

onathread,
you don't have to sit by and let his addiction dictate YOUR life.

When you've had enough, you'll know it.

Sounds like you're nearing that point? Maybe?

onathread

Well, I'll be blunt and just say, I don't want to leave. I think my life would be worse if I did, not better, and not because I have my head in the clouds over what AH is capable of accomplishing in regard to recovery. I realize it is very likely he will relapse again at some point.

But I have 20+ years invested in this marriage, and my AH does want to not drink (careful wording there; I did not say he does not want to drink). He recognizes he has a problem and he desires to not want alcohol.

I have 3 children and no steady source of income. I have a business that is mine and will probably grow enough to sustain me in a year or so, but he is heavily involved in it as well. I know things could be better, but they could also be a lot worse. I see and listen to plenty of women in misery after their divorces. Right now, I can protect my interests and my children's interests best by staying. He is not abusive toward any of us when he becomes active, outside of becoming a loner and general grouchiness. He sometimes goes weeks without drinking and he sometimes goes months without drinking.

I'm just trying to be realistic. And I do love him very much. Some days, I am too emotional to handle things well, but in my heart of hearts, for now, I think staying is the best thing. If things get progressively worse, that may change.

Some of what I'm saying could sound warped to someone reading this, but people on this site can't know/understand all the nuances and history of a relationship, and shouldn't be so quick to tell someone to throw their marriage out based on how they read a few posts. I do appreciate people sharing with me their own experiences so I can derive what I find useful from them.

BTW, his meeting went well and he is not drinking tonight, so perhaps the storm will pass.

LexieCat

What's troubling is your willingness to stake your own well-being on how he's "doing".

No, you do not have to leave him immediately. In fact, if you choose, you can stay however long you feel you can tolerate the situation. But there ARE things you can do to make your happiness less dependent on the vagaries of someone's "wanting to want to" quit drinking. (BTW, I totally relate to wanting to want to--I was stuck there for a few years.)

Your rhetorical, "What can I do? I guess the answer is nothing," just sounds disturbingly like passive victimhood. What is the payoff for that?

Freedom1990

On the flip side of people miserable after divorce, there are those of us who have found a very fulfilling and reasonably happy life!

You are right. None of us know all the nuances and history of your relationship.

I try to stick with my own experiences when I share, but I do fall short at times.

Tuffgirl

This is why I love SR...its a place where I can come to for empathy and realism...even when it hurts to hear.

I pick up on the underlying tones here of take responsibility for your choices and make them work for you, regardless of what he does or does not do. So then, when a storm does hit, you are prepared. You can handle whatever comes your way.

MeredithD1

What I heard you saying was, you can't do anything if he chooses to drink. But if he chooses to drink, then you are in the path of a tornado.

So I've gone through my day, too, deciding how to deal with the tornado when it arrives. It can be very hard to take care of myself in these circumstances because my thinking turns to crisis management. And when I'm in crisis management a lot, the stress can make me sick.

To find serenity, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, has been a focus for me though Al-Anon. I occasionally find myself in worry mode, like you have described, and then I talk with someone, like you did here, which helps me understand that making myself ill with worry or stress is not going to help anyone - most of all, me. I then get into what I know are helpful things to me, like going over my big list of 5 (enough water, enough nourishment, enough sleep, enough meditation time, enough exercise), posting the ODAT, going over my Plan B, talking with people who love me, talking with other Al Anons.

I also appreciate what I've learned through "Don't make a decision in the face of HALT," (i.e., when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.) That is an appendix to my Big List of 5 I would add Anxious to that list.

you have my Best Wishes.

Shellcrusher

Thanks for sharing and I hope it helped.

pixilation

I'm kind of at this stage right now, AH hasn't had a drink in over a week. Does it change things? No, not really. I'm still moving out. When he's dried up in the past(never in recovery, would just stop drinking) I would always get my hopes up that "this was it", and he'd always leave me heartbroken when he'd start again. I'm passed that now.