transformyself

So AH is on another bender. He's been drinking this round for about three weeks. Here's the bizarre part: I don't care. It's annoying for many reasons, but it's really his problem, not mine.

I've learned so many lessons from SR and Al-anon, mainly to always have a plan B when dealing with A's.

My acceptance level is also so much higher than it's ever been, not only because I expect less from him, but because I'm reprogramming myself to move from victim mode to examining where my responsibility lies in every situation that I dont' like.

I realized recently that when something "goes wrong," my first reaction is to find someone or some thing to blame. Stupid stuff like traffic, or stains on a shirt. I'm so keenly aware of my blame placing mechanism that now i"m able to start shifting away from that state, to owning my responsibility and talk myself out of blaming folks. I believe the technical term is owning ones sh!t.

for instance, the traffic isn't making me late, leaving my house late has made me late.

My kids aren't to blame for the stains on their clothes. I created them, gave birth to them for goodness sake! They're kids.

It's making me a better mother. I'm more focused on my children and waaay less likely to cover for AH in any way. But I'm also not raging and coming out swinging like I use to. My abandonment button is, at times, deactivated, but if it does get pushed, I can see it for what it is and not obsess about what others have and I don't. I can create distance, boundaries, in situations that I know will trigger me. Protect myself in ways that are brand new. Exciting.

I guess what I'm saying is I can "let go" now, eagerly at times, whereas before i would totally be stuck in having the last word, making my point known, and "defending," myself. I feel less and less like i'm under attack, so there's no reason to defend myself. If folks dont' agree with me I don't have to engage. It's their problem, not mine.

To be honest, I think a huge determining factor in all of this is because of one thing: I have been working, for three years now, on creating a life and job and family that I love. So I need less attention from other people. I need to contribute less to conversations. I feel happy, satisfied, and need less and less recognition or unhealthy entanglements or whatever you want to call it, from other folks.

Whew. Thanks for the rant. I'm going to bed exhuasted and wanted to barf this stuff out.

I hope this encourages new folks. Geez, when I came here I was a freaking MESS!!!! Now I know how to avoid total meltdowns and situations that create them.

If you're a newbie and reading this, I PROMISE you that if you stick with this program, and are honestly working to improve your life, you can do it. All the things that you feel are destroying you right now, you can eliminate and take control of your life.

Thanks!

mattmathews

It doesn't sound like a rant, it sounds like progress. Keep on keepin' on.

kittykitty

I like this part the best!

Thanks for sharing your progress. I can attest as well, it works if you work it.

Tuffgirl

Wow, way to be aware of yourself! I think that's awesome!

I have also noticed subtle changes in my thinking and being able to keep my emotions in check. Feels very good after several years of feeling out of control.

Thanks for sharing!
~T

Alone22

Well said! Thank you for sharing. I am learning to move into a mind set like what you have described. I want it, need it, and some day will have it!

whereisthisgoin

That has to be a great feeling. I have just been catching back up here - how old are your children?

transformyself

Three sons: 26, 13, 10

yes, the feeling out of control part is caused (in my life) by being both ACOA and having PTSD.

I mean, I guess others feel out of control too, rather my feelings can be uncontrollable. Meaning, I have no choice in how I act, I only react.

I spent decades spinning in reactionary mode. This, by contrast, truly is heaven. It's tuff, probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but continually re-focusing on myself is truly the key to freedom, I say.

It's given me amazing relief. For instance, AH called earlier to do some quacking about sobering up for awhile because he knows I don't like him drinking and it's bad for the kids, etc.

He hasn't caught up to where I am and likely will not. He thinks I still care, all though I have shown him consistently now for gosh about 6 months that it's none of my business, only if he drinks around the kids, which isn't allowed. Even when I've gone to drop them off, and he's been drinking I show no anger or any emotion at all. I am kind and humble and get my kids back into the car. They know there's no hanging out with Dad when he's been drinking, in fact they set that boundary as firmly as I did.

Now it's my job to I hold it, and without resentment.

Anyway, AH is lost in his little world of drinking, while mine has expanded so substantially I have a hard time juggling work, kids, family, friends and all of my interests. I travel and speak. I created a life, a career and a family that I love. I keep myself and my children safe.

These are all things I wanted AH to do, to be a part of. Yes, it's sad that he's left behind, but not as sad as when i couldn't create it in my life or my kids because I was so obsessed with him and his affairs and his drinking.

No thank you. Not today Zerg

dancingnow

Thanks TM for your picture of what's possible with time and effort. It is encouraging and inspiring and gives me some help I might need when frustration and setbacks come along as I work on myself.

TakingCharge999

Transformie I read a quote that said "some of us are becoming the man we wanted to marry", your post reminded me of it!!

So glad you are able to dettach more and more... me, too... slowly but I can see some progress.

Keep up the good work!!!!!!! HUGS!