Powerlessness vs. Owning My Power
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Powerlessness vs. Owning My Power
I am new to Sober Recovery. I have been doing my own recovery about 11 years from an ED, about 1.5 yrs ago joined Al-anon, for the last eight months I have been attending Open AA meetings. I thought I could add this for support after reading many of the posts/comments as an outsider.
I am working the steps in a group format. The community I live in does not have enough people who are willing to sponsor so I am doing this instead of the traditional method. I am really struggling with the first three steps (I am looking forward to July and Step 4...I am more prepared for Step 4-12).
Here is my struggle. I am coming to terms that I like rules because they have helped me with the illusion of "controlling" the chaos in my life. I am getting conflicting sets of "rules" though in my recovery than I have been exposed to earlier and it is turning me in circles. I understand the idea of "Take what you like and leave the rest," but I can't figure out what I like and don't like.
I understand that I am powerless over people, places and things (though that is hard to remember sometimes in the moment). I am even powerless over my feelings towards people, places, and things. I am NOT powerless over my reactions/behavior though. In addition when I set a boundary I feel like I am owning my own power and that is good for me.
In a nutshell if you have not already seen my confusion I am struggling between finding a balance of being powerless but also owning my own power to take care of myself. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. It helps just knowing I am not alone.
I am working the steps in a group format. The community I live in does not have enough people who are willing to sponsor so I am doing this instead of the traditional method. I am really struggling with the first three steps (I am looking forward to July and Step 4...I am more prepared for Step 4-12).
Here is my struggle. I am coming to terms that I like rules because they have helped me with the illusion of "controlling" the chaos in my life. I am getting conflicting sets of "rules" though in my recovery than I have been exposed to earlier and it is turning me in circles. I understand the idea of "Take what you like and leave the rest," but I can't figure out what I like and don't like.
I understand that I am powerless over people, places and things (though that is hard to remember sometimes in the moment). I am even powerless over my feelings towards people, places, and things. I am NOT powerless over my reactions/behavior though. In addition when I set a boundary I feel like I am owning my own power and that is good for me.
In a nutshell if you have not already seen my confusion I am struggling between finding a balance of being powerless but also owning my own power to take care of myself. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. It helps just knowing I am not alone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi Welcome!
I can only speak for myself, however, at first, I found structured recovery to be a bit confusing . I did know what I liked and didn't like, however, I was adrift emotionally, and had a difficult time agreeing or disagreeing with a recovery premiss.
I think that I finally got it, as, I took back my power and threw my exabf out and have not looked back.
Hopefully I have not further confused you, all I know is that this recovery stuff, takes time, and more time, and more time.
Keep posting!
I can only speak for myself, however, at first, I found structured recovery to be a bit confusing . I did know what I liked and didn't like, however, I was adrift emotionally, and had a difficult time agreeing or disagreeing with a recovery premiss.
I think that I finally got it, as, I took back my power and threw my exabf out and have not looked back.
Hopefully I have not further confused you, all I know is that this recovery stuff, takes time, and more time, and more time.
Keep posting!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Step One only deals with powerlessness over alcohol. That part's the same whether you are in AA or Al-Anon. Yes, there are other things we are powerless over, but Step One only deals with alcohol.
Powerlessness doesn't mean you can't do things to help yourself. It just means that we need a Higher Power to supply that which we lack.
The Serenity Prayer pretty much sums things up. We ask for serenity to accept the things we cannot change (alcoholism in ourselves or other people, other people's decisions and actions, things with a life of their own like the IRS or the economy), courage to change the things we can (those things over which we do have power--our attitudes, our actions), and wisdom to know the difference. We have serenity to the extent we can accept what we are powerless over. We move forward to the extent we change those things that we can (and should).
Don't know if any of that helped.
Powerlessness doesn't mean you can't do things to help yourself. It just means that we need a Higher Power to supply that which we lack.
The Serenity Prayer pretty much sums things up. We ask for serenity to accept the things we cannot change (alcoholism in ourselves or other people, other people's decisions and actions, things with a life of their own like the IRS or the economy), courage to change the things we can (those things over which we do have power--our attitudes, our actions), and wisdom to know the difference. We have serenity to the extent we can accept what we are powerless over. We move forward to the extent we change those things that we can (and should).
Don't know if any of that helped.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I had a very similar confusion... Mine came when trying to set boundaries...what was a boundary versus what was trying to control/manipulate someone else?
I've been reading Codependent No More... And man, it has helped me really get into my own head and understand my behavior so much better.
I've been reading Codependent No More... And man, it has helped me really get into my own head and understand my behavior so much better.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Thanks so much for your words everyone. At least I feel stuck "right where I am supposed to be."
I also know that I am blessed to be in this place in my recovery. That being able to admit my confusion and not trying to follow all the rules at once is progress. (Yes I am one of those who used to try to sing ALL of the words to the refrain in a song....no wonder I am confused). Trust me your words cannot confuse me more than I can do myself.
Thanks again I will continue to process what you are all giving me.
I also know that I am blessed to be in this place in my recovery. That being able to admit my confusion and not trying to follow all the rules at once is progress. (Yes I am one of those who used to try to sing ALL of the words to the refrain in a song....no wonder I am confused). Trust me your words cannot confuse me more than I can do myself.
Thanks again I will continue to process what you are all giving me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
"as we grow and get more comfortable in our own skin, how we react to the world outside of us will change, because OUR perspective on life changes. we used to stand way out there somewhere.....far from our hearts, our minds, our souls....it's the difference between being in your house and looking out the windows compared to the google maps satellite view of the earth......in our addictions we were one dimensional - recovery puts us back into 3D, HD...."
WOW Anvil. I love this analogy! It really speaks to me and it is spot on. Thanks
WOW Anvil. I love this analogy! It really speaks to me and it is spot on. Thanks
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there LifeRecovery, and pleased to "meet" you 
The way recovery works for me is that it showed my how I had spent my life trying to change reality to fit my expectations. The only way to _improve_ my life is to change my expectations to fit reality.
My unhealthy expectation is that thru my words, actions, manipulation, etc I can change another person. This is an "unhealthy boundary", if you will, because I am saying that if another person does a certain thing I will respond by trying to change _them_.
A "healthy boundary" takes the same thing another person is doing but instead of trying to change _them_ I try to change _me_. Either by removing myself from the situation, or standing up for myself, etc. etc.
My "disease" of codie-ism is that I beat my head against a brick wall expecting the wall to magically appear a doorway for me to walk thru. When the brick wall fails to create a door I just beat my head harder. Recovery has shown me that I can just walk _around_ the wall and don't need a door at all.
Mike
The way recovery works for me is that it showed my how I had spent my life trying to change reality to fit my expectations. The only way to _improve_ my life is to change my expectations to fit reality.
My unhealthy expectation is that thru my words, actions, manipulation, etc I can change another person. This is an "unhealthy boundary", if you will, because I am saying that if another person does a certain thing I will respond by trying to change _them_.
A "healthy boundary" takes the same thing another person is doing but instead of trying to change _them_ I try to change _me_. Either by removing myself from the situation, or standing up for myself, etc. etc.
My "disease" of codie-ism is that I beat my head against a brick wall expecting the wall to magically appear a doorway for me to walk thru. When the brick wall fails to create a door I just beat my head harder. Recovery has shown me that I can just walk _around_ the wall and don't need a door at all.
Mike
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