GettingBy

Okay, this is a bit of a ramble and vent... Not necessarily reflective of recovery... Bear with me.

I had to go to in-laws yesterday evening to pick up kiddies. Step father in law starts in on me about the imploding marriage. Blah blah blah. I nod and smile and do my best to stay focused on getting kids ready to go. Then he says, "well I hope you realize you are part of the reason the marriage failed.". I allowed myself to engage (stupid, i know!) and said, "yeah, I own my stuff and that's why i go to al-anon. To work on me and fixing the stuff that's my business and that I have control over." "al-anon? That's just a bunch of bitter, old, man-hating divorced women. That ought to be great for your marriage.". I had no response... WTF could be said in response to that?!?! That was one of the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say about al-anon. Ignorant a-hole.

And so this morning, I was reading my daily meditations and AH came down stairs and saw the books. Later in the morning, I tried talking to him about something that had been bugging me and he says, "you seriously want me to talk to you? Why don't you go look up the answer in your al-anon book? Im sure they will have the answer on how to fix me!". I, again, stupidily engaged and tried to explain that al-anon is for ME only... To teach me NOT to fix him but to focus on me and my stuff. Ugh, he is so threatened by it... Nothing I say will change that. Nothing he says will make me stop going. He goes off on how He thinks self help is stupid and "those people" have zero qualifications and "you're letting them change you!!!!!!".

Yup, I'm changing. Things are very different around here Bucky! And guess what, ******* deal with it. He just couldn't get past the whole al-anon thing... Kept saying... But I'm NOT an alcoholic so you shouldn't be going there!!! Never mind that whole part where I said it's helping me. Nope, he'd rather keep everything his way... On his terms.

So now, I'm in a crappy pissy mood... And want to beat the snot out of something. But as Meloldy Beattie says, "feeling homicidal rage is entirely different than committing murder!!!!" so, in lieu of punching AHs face in... I'm going to go ride my bike for as long as it takes me to vent my rage.

Thanks for listening,
Shannon

lillamy

That your AH is threatened by your going to Al-Anon is one thing.
That your stepFIL is strikes me as more interesting... and his description of Al-Anon makes me think he protesteth a bit too much... I'm guessing there's something in his past to make him skeptical of Al-Anon (like something he doesn't want to take responsibility for?).

Either way -- I awake up this morning being angry at families sticking their noses where they don't belong. Your stepFIL has no business talking to you about the breakdown of your marriage. None. I hope you had a kickass bikeride!

Alone22

WOW. It always amazes me how other people can just say what they think without having any concern for another person, especially regarding a topic they know nothing or very little about. Has your FIL ever been to an alanon meeting? (joking/ insert sarcasm) Guess he has no clue what it is really about and how foolish he made himself look with those carefully chosen words of wisdom. GEEZZZ. Pretty dang nervy of him if you ask me.

As far as your AH... mature, very mature. His world is being rocked and he is lashing out (as I am sure you are fully aware) but really? I guess like father like son would apply here.

Have a great time on your ride!

laurie6781

I may be a bit 'off base' here, but ........................................ (yep there is that 'but' again, lol) I have noticed, that even though this is 2011, many men, especially 'older' (say age 40 and over) are still threatened by 'successful' women.

Somehow they were raised by their 'fathers' and still think that 'women' are 'second best.' Thus for step FIL to make that comment, I suspect that not only does Alanon threaten him in some way, but he is also threatened by you being a successful Engineer (a 'used to be' man's world).

There are so many 'factors' that I am afraid if I were you, that I would just 'chalk it up' to another of AH's quirks that he was 'taught' over the years.

I have also noticed that 'alkies' still practicing or in very early recovery do feel threatened by Alanon (I sure did, wondering 'were they talking about me?') And really had no true concept of Alanon until I was 'sentenced' by my AA sponsor, lol

J M H O

As far as I can see from your posts, you are doing One Heck Of A Job on yourself, continuing to grow and change, You really make my heart smile!!!!

Just consider the source, chuckle to yourself and keep moving forward.

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990

You're upsetting the proverbial apple cart by finding recovery for yourself, and that is definitely perceived as a threat by all involved parties in AH's alcoholism, including his ignorant father. I say ignorant because he is completely uneducated in the disease of alcoholism; thus his response.

You keep doing what you need to do for you!

skippernlilg

"Things are very different around here Bucky" Made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! :rotfxko

and so True, and such a wonderful thing to read.

I have to say, this reminds me of some people I used to know who made fun of a somewhat charismatic church I used to attend. They asked me where I'd gone to church and I told them. They scratched their heads and said, "Well, what is it they DO in there?!!" (they were really mystified).

Knowing my weird sense of humor like they did, they had to laugh when I answered, "Well, after we get finished charming the snakes..."

After that, they asked me if they could go to my Snake Charming Church someday.

(and this is in no way to say anything about those of you who do attend churches who may do that...it's all good, however you find your faith and your peace and your serenity...ok? )

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Oh how they love to do the quacking! Just more of their quacking in a different form. Now they attack and blame the most helpful thing out there to helps us to survive living with THEM! Mine hates all the books too, especially the "Courage to Change" book. Personally, one of my favorites and I LOVE the title! You see, the A's want us to stay the same so they feel treaten by any help that we are getting. They also know WE ARE CHANGING is that scares the living $%##$ out of THEM!!

Keep the FOCUS on you baby and you will be just fine!!

dollydo

Your hubby learned his bad behavior from someone....wonder who it is?

Peddle fast, and, leave them in your dust!

catlovermi

Right ooooooooooon, Anvil.

Al-anon is just a "tool" they are using, to bash the one rocking the family boat.

It isn't really about YOU, it's about THEM feeling under "attack"/scrutiny, just like Anvil says. (When you live in a reality of escape/avoidance/denial, then any apparent scrutiny equates to "attack.")

They gotta point their crosshairs somewhere when the boat gets rocked and their comfort place is challenged (insert theme to Deliverance playing in the background, here). And since you're not swaying in time with the boat anymore, you stand out, and are where the crosshairs aim.

Sorry you have to endure this treatment, though.

CLMI

LexieCat

I'm sure he probably vents to them all the time about how you've become some kind of Anti-Stepford-Wife since you've been going to Al-Anon.

No point in even trying to reason with people whose minds are clamped shut.

I, for one (of many, it seems), am awesomely proud of you.

Jazzman

Well it most be some ones fault because it certainly isn't his. Easy target I guess? Must be frustrating for you. I didn't really have that dynamic, Mel knew exactly what it was that was destroying her happiness. Maybe deep down he knows too?

GettingBy

Thank you so very much!!

The bike ride was... Awesome... And just what I needed. I got out and rode... And rode... Until I figured out why I am so ******* angry. I was so busy thinking about and defending my al-anon that I didn't realize something else that was going on.

You see... The other day, AH had made a comment about wanting me to learn how to golf. (he's been bugging me about it since the first damn day we met). But the thing is, I don't golf. I don't like golf. I have no ******* interest in golfing. I didn't say that to him, but I did say, "I really prefer biking and running." So.... Stupid MFing step FIL (which basically makes him one heartbeat away from being a GD stranger to me!)... said yesterday... "so, I hear your going to golf now!". Me..."no. I don't like golf." "but Shannon, it would be so good for you and AH." I brushed it off as him being the dumb ass he is.

And then this morning, during our discussion... AH said, "We don't have fun together anymore. Golf would be something fun we could do together."


All of THAT crap... WTF?!? I am being asked to ******* golf now.... To save my marriage?!?! I don't like to golf. It's AHs thing... Not mine. I tried learning years ago. I hated it. I like to bike... How about AH learn how to do that FOR ME?!?! Oh wait, you can't bike and drink. Duh. How stupid of me.

So that's it. I get it now. AH is blaming the demise of our marriage on us not having anything fun to together... And it's all my fault because I stopped drinking and won't play golf with him. There I go again... Patty the Party Pooper.


I'm so sick and tired of being the one who has to change to bail out this dysfunctional mess we call our marriage. **** that. I'm changing... For me. And that's it. Screw them.


Thanks for letting me vent.
Shannon

LexieCat

Well, I dunno...

You've got the "tee'd off" part down pretty well...

(I don't "get" golf, either. My parents used to CHEER at it on TV like it was freakin' football) (which I also don't like)

GettingBy

Thanks For the humor Lexiecat!! I do have the tee'd off part down to a science right now, don't I?! I am mad... And for good reason. I just need to be careful what I do with this anger now.

I'm being asked to change. To do something I don't want to, to save a marriage... That in all honestly, probably shouldn't be saved... And I feel guilty for feeling that it isn't worth saving. That's it.

He's acting like he wants to save it (his idea? Have me change!). Guess that's kind of like me saying to him "stop drinking to save the marriage.".

So, what do I need to do, right now? Get changed, cleaned up and go eat. That's it. First things first. Otherwise, I'll find myself reacting... And probably doing something I regret.


Thanks again Lexie...it brought me back to earth.

skippernlilg

On to the next right thing. Good job!

Seeking Wisdom

My FIL implied a similar sentiment when he discovered that his once successful son was a late stage alcoholic, had failing health, unable to work, had destroyed his business and our finances ... and learning that his son’s family was in shambles.

The sad part was, because my FIL was so opinionated, he at least verbalized what other members of my AH’s family were most likely thinking or saying behind my family’s back.

We also must remember, that in past generations, the understanding of alcoholism and its causes were greatly misunderstood. Still is, but it is getting better. I can still remember growing up and hearing unfair criticisms of my mother and other women being blamed for having “caused’ their husband’s alcoholism. As these brave women desperately struggled to survive ... instead of compassion and support, they were met with hostility.

After decades of living around alcoholism ... to me it seems one of the biggest problems we face is ignorance of the true nature of alcohol addiction. It is stunningly powerful, yet so resistant to change - many of have learned this only after years of struggling.

That is why this forum is so amazing. We have the privilege of hearing the hard cold unfiltered reality of what it is like to live with an alcoholic. Knowledge is power ... and this forum provides support and compassion ... and the all important knowledge to make important decisions to change our lives and to realize how powerless we are in changing an addicted person’s choices.

My hope is that someday families impacted by alcoholism will be met with empathy and compassion ... rather than criticism.

Tuffgirl

GB, your posts made me laugh out loud! I've been down that Al-Anon road and finally got really super sick of it. I even posted here about the RAH being threatened by Al-Anon and making Al-Anon jokes to me that he heard in AA. Seems this is a common phenomenon, especially to the early A's in recovery. And even more especially to those who have yet to find recovery.

Moments like these need a mute button.

I am laughing because the more threatened the RAH got, the more resolve I had to keep going. It was a passive-aggressive way of giving him the finger, and in the end turned out to be one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time. Keep on keeping on!

Linkmeister

Hear, Hear!

My ex has been threatened by me going to Al-Anon since Day One. Kept telling me that it was for people that were abused, they advised us to leave our partners, that we were all victims, and yet, we were supposed to understand them.

He snickered at my CAL literature, my participation, the fact that I had a sponsor and that I didn't need Al-Anon because he had stopped drinking. Ummmm.there' stopping drinking and recovery. Recovery for him does not include any structured program..period, end of story.

I hit the motherlode of quacking with this and am forever grateful for finding Al-Anon.

Oh, yes, they are very threatened by we who venture out of their comfort zone of manipulation and control........

GettingBy

Good god.... That is almost identical to AHs response, particularly when I mentioned the impact of my childhood (dry drunk father and codependent mother). He said, "yeah, but your dad didn't drink. They just had marital problems... not alcoholism!"

It's a combination of ignorance and denial. I tried to explain the whole terminally un-uniqueness of our situation, and my childhood... and why I benefited from al-anon.

His response? "going to al-anon for marriage problems is like going to a foot doctor for a back ache."

My next and last comment was, "I go for me, not our marriage."

wywriter

To Step FIL, "Well, sir, it sounds like you went to a very different group than the one I go to."