WIworrier

Our 21 yr old AS still lives at home with us. He works for our small family company... so I tell my husband that we basically pay for his drug use....
He is an off / on addict...of course more on than off. He also has recently started dating...so he isn't home as much now...
I want to start charging him "rent" to live here and also have him sign a house contract. I need ideas on the simple rules I need to enforce. Of course no drug use...etc...
I need to do this to save my sanity...which is slipping faster and faster these days....
I am fully committed to enforce these rules or he will have to leave (yet again)
HELP!

Ann

I set my boundaries based on what worked for me. I told my son that he could respect my boundaries in my home or know he was loved just as much living anywhere else.

Some that helped me keep my sanity were:

Curfew: Home by 11 pm or 12 pm weekends. This let me get my sleep without worrying where anyone was or how they were. Being late by 5 minutes or more meant a bag of clothing would be left on the porch and he would have to find another place to live. No "getting back in tomorrow" for me.

Respect: All members of my family or visitors to my home have to show respect. The minute a discussion becomes heated, it is over, right then and there. Perhaps to be revisited another time with cooler heads. Anger, name calling, yelling, slamming around, stomping or dirty looks are all examples of disrespect. Disrespect = get out the nearest door and don't come back.

Sharing responsibility: Each person living in my home shares the responsibility of keeping the home livable. We each take care of our own rooms, we each clean up after ourselves, and we cook, do dishes, do laundry and floors according to arrangement.

No drugs are allowed in my home. If I even suspect there might be drugs, all privacy privileges are called in and I get to search rooms, drawers and linings of old jackets where crack cans may be stored.

No stolen goods are to be brought to my property. That "new bike" that was bought cheap was probably stolen and isn't about to stay in my garage. I want to see the sales receipt or it isn't staying.

These are a few examples and they may sound harsh, but they are not harsh when my well-being is on the line. It's MY home and MY safety zone, and I will not allow addiction to walk through the front door and live there.

My son complained most about the curfew, citing that he could do whatever he was going to do before curfew. He argued that he was a grown man and this was treating him like a child. Again I repeated...respect my boundaries in my home or know he was loved just as much living anywhere else.

My home, my health, my rules. Love it or leave it

Hope this helps.

Hugs

Ann

I need to add that boundaries are useless unless we are prepared to enforce them. I was. My son knew where shelters were, where detox and rehabs were, and how to get there. Anywhere else was his choice and not my fault for throwing him out. His behaviour was responsible for that.

greeteachday

I found it wasn't the rules themselves that I struggled with, it was exploring my motivation. Before I told my daughter the boundaries, I had to work through them in my head to be sure the rules were about what was saving my sanity and establishing a peaceful home, not about trying to control her use or her recovery. So when I established a curfew, I adjusted that to say if she wasn't going to be home, she needed to call or text before the curfew to tell me she was staying elsewhere. I would not ask where - like Ann, the curfew was about my ability to sleep and not worry. Requiring her to be in every night for me would have been more about checking to make sure she was clean - which was crazy making.

Respect was huge, and responsibility for her own stuff, including bills, getting herself up, getting to work, OP, etc. I did not establish rules regarding contribution to the household (cleaning, cooking, etc) because I found I had resentments if it wasn't done in my time frame and my way. That was stuff I needed to work on myself, so just making it clear that I was not responsible for any of her "stuff" worked well for me. If she didn't deal with it, that was her problem, not mine and I had to focus on me to make sure I didn't make it my problem - which included nagging, giving unsolicited advice, etc. That one is a good boundary for any adult child, IMO - whether an addict or not. Makes for a much better relationship and gives them room to shine on their own.

What are some of the things that are creating the most stress for you? I think if you focus on them and what would help relieve that stress without trying to control his actions, it may be helpful. Hugs...I know it is not easy staying outside of the drama when you are living with addiction in your household.

Freedom1990

When I took my then 27-year-old AD in temporarily, I did have boundaries and rules in place. In the end, it was all for naught.

No drugs/alcohol, or using in my home (she hid those well from me).

Because I was working 2 jobs at the time, she was to keep the house picked up, and cook supper (which she did).

She would actively look for a job (her internet time was not spent job-hunting).

10 pm curfew (which she broke).

She was also taking my car and riding around with my then 15-year-old daughter after I went to sleep at night. I couldn't stay up 24/7, and she knew it.

I kicked her out one month into her stay.

I will not give her a place to live in this lifetime ever again. End of story.

dollydo

I agree, he needs to pay rent, and, the above posters have outlined some bounderies that you may want to consider.

It is time for him to remove his pampers and put on his big boy pants.

Good Luck!