Ugly Questions
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Ugly Questions
Mornin', SR folks.
Yesterday I went to a fantastic Big Book AA meeting. I got a lot of support and a cheer from the people there. Guess what the subject was? Honesty and what others think about you, which is exactly what I was mulling over yesterday. So it was a great meeting to listen and share and I really got a lot out of it. A couple of the people there even got me laughing harder than I have in months.
Then came my week-long movie plan with the coworker. Great chick flick, again, funny, and it was a late movie. We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer. I thought "I shouldn't go, shouldn't go". Thought about what the guy said after the meeting If I hung out in bars, I'd get wet. And the place was pretty close to closing. I went in anyway and ordered soda water and made sure I kept on talking. It was uncomfortable and mildly unpleasant but I survived on my soda water. My coworker didn't even finish that beer she got.
So then my brain started going. Maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all. It's only 12 days sober and already I've sat through bars twice. People say that they can't do that if they're alcoholics. So then I thought OK Fine. So drink. Think about it. Say "What kind of IPA do you have on tap?" and order it. And drink it. Keep it to one. What'll you do tomorrow? The next day? Is a (effing) beverage that important? Then I remembered the years and years of mornings thinking I'm going to stop and bargaining my way out of it on the way home, the private hell of that, waking up thinking wait a minute, what happened last night? Oh my god, I drank all that? Who did I call? Holy cannoli, what did I say? How did I get this BRUISE? Who is THAT next to me? What did I say on Facebook? And the fog, idiocy, and daze. And the first few days of being crazed, jittery, and irritable. I felt so good after that meeting. Agreeing to go along with my coworker's need for one beer after a movie was annoying. But I know I've done that to sober/dry people myself. Sigh.
It's a thinking problem. Will it stop?
Thirteen days. I'm off to yoga; perhaps that will settle my mind.
Yesterday I went to a fantastic Big Book AA meeting. I got a lot of support and a cheer from the people there. Guess what the subject was? Honesty and what others think about you, which is exactly what I was mulling over yesterday. So it was a great meeting to listen and share and I really got a lot out of it. A couple of the people there even got me laughing harder than I have in months.
Then came my week-long movie plan with the coworker. Great chick flick, again, funny, and it was a late movie. We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer. I thought "I shouldn't go, shouldn't go". Thought about what the guy said after the meeting If I hung out in bars, I'd get wet. And the place was pretty close to closing. I went in anyway and ordered soda water and made sure I kept on talking. It was uncomfortable and mildly unpleasant but I survived on my soda water. My coworker didn't even finish that beer she got.
So then my brain started going. Maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all. It's only 12 days sober and already I've sat through bars twice. People say that they can't do that if they're alcoholics. So then I thought OK Fine. So drink. Think about it. Say "What kind of IPA do you have on tap?" and order it. And drink it. Keep it to one. What'll you do tomorrow? The next day? Is a (effing) beverage that important? Then I remembered the years and years of mornings thinking I'm going to stop and bargaining my way out of it on the way home, the private hell of that, waking up thinking wait a minute, what happened last night? Oh my god, I drank all that? Who did I call? Holy cannoli, what did I say? How did I get this BRUISE? Who is THAT next to me? What did I say on Facebook? And the fog, idiocy, and daze. And the first few days of being crazed, jittery, and irritable. I felt so good after that meeting. Agreeing to go along with my coworker's need for one beer after a movie was annoying. But I know I've done that to sober/dry people myself. Sigh.
It's a thinking problem. Will it stop?
Thirteen days. I'm off to yoga; perhaps that will settle my mind.
Last edited by bexxed; 06-26-2011 at 05:43 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 275
Good job. I like the way you referenced the private hell...thats just exactly what is is. I have some friends that drink socially and dont understand what its like to argue with yourself and talk yourself out of drinking. It truly is a private hell indeed.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
It will get better like the others have said, and with time, it will even get easier. Pretty soon NOT drinking will be normal but you will always need to keep your awareness up. 
hang in there.
Cathy
hang in there.Cathy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
bexxed, good for you to stick to soda water at the bar! That was a great decision. It's too bad your co-worker put you in that position by even asking to go to a bar after the movie. I would never even think of suggesting that to my recovering friend.
continued good luck to you--stay strong.
continued good luck to you--stay strong.
Guest
Join Date: May 2010
Location: recovering
Posts: 121
I asked myself all the same questions that went through your head and I ended up answering them all in a bad way.
The arrow only lead to one thing that I knew all along.
For me, it's no alcohol. I'm not like other people.
The arrow only lead to one thing that I knew all along.
For me, it's no alcohol. I'm not like other people.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Good for you!
However you do know that it is not either/or don't you? Guess what? Normal drinkers and non drinkers would not feel the least pressured by that simple question. Because they aren't so focused on alcohol, they are social drinkers who not only can stop but waste a perfectly good drink. I read about these situations a lot, and in some cases like your's, there were a lot of other options open. But as Alcoholics when we hear bar or drinks we either get anxious and don't think, or get a feeling like relief that an excuse for a fall has been offered and we can say later that it was temptation above and beyond our power.
Your friend didn't make you go to the bar but you felt pressured to do what you thought she wanted right? And she didn't even finish the beer! She probably only wanted to spend a few more minutes out with you as company. I'll bet you weren't at your best as company under the stress you mentioned either.
"We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer."
Try these responses on for size:
I don't feel like drinking a beer but . . .
1. Hey I don't want to go right home either but a beer isn't what I want, how about a cup of great coffee/tea/smoothie/lemonade at my place etc.?
2. I am starved why don't we go for a Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream/McDs/ etc. (Fast Food places by and large don't serve alcohol - pick one that does not and suits your eating/health needs)
3. Insert your own here.
Normal folks don't have to drink, and your not wanting to drink is the truth. If you are afraid of being asked why not because you never turned down a beer before, how much harder will it be to explain not drinking seated at a bar?
It is usually amazing to alcoholics how much of a non-event not drinking is to others, because it is so huge to us.
I have read here comments that folks never realized how little others actually drank before because they were too buzzed to notice.
Besides, normal or abnormal drinking friends or not what is wrong with leading instead of following? When I am asked why I don't drink anymore I don't say because I am an alcoholic (except in a meeting of alcoholics or here) or that I was literally drinking myself to death. I just tell the truth. That I am eliminating alcohol as a carb and sugar that is processed so I can be healthier.
My answers are cool for me. But just develop alternatives so you and your friends can enjoy each other's company.
However you do know that it is not either/or don't you? Guess what? Normal drinkers and non drinkers would not feel the least pressured by that simple question. Because they aren't so focused on alcohol, they are social drinkers who not only can stop but waste a perfectly good drink. I read about these situations a lot, and in some cases like your's, there were a lot of other options open. But as Alcoholics when we hear bar or drinks we either get anxious and don't think, or get a feeling like relief that an excuse for a fall has been offered and we can say later that it was temptation above and beyond our power.
Your friend didn't make you go to the bar but you felt pressured to do what you thought she wanted right? And she didn't even finish the beer! She probably only wanted to spend a few more minutes out with you as company. I'll bet you weren't at your best as company under the stress you mentioned either.
"We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer."
Try these responses on for size:
I don't feel like drinking a beer but . . .
1. Hey I don't want to go right home either but a beer isn't what I want, how about a cup of great coffee/tea/smoothie/lemonade at my place etc.?
2. I am starved why don't we go for a Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream/McDs/ etc. (Fast Food places by and large don't serve alcohol - pick one that does not and suits your eating/health needs)
3. Insert your own here.
Normal folks don't have to drink, and your not wanting to drink is the truth. If you are afraid of being asked why not because you never turned down a beer before, how much harder will it be to explain not drinking seated at a bar?
It is usually amazing to alcoholics how much of a non-event not drinking is to others, because it is so huge to us.
I have read here comments that folks never realized how little others actually drank before because they were too buzzed to notice.
Besides, normal or abnormal drinking friends or not what is wrong with leading instead of following? When I am asked why I don't drink anymore I don't say because I am an alcoholic (except in a meeting of alcoholics or here) or that I was literally drinking myself to death. I just tell the truth. That I am eliminating alcohol as a carb and sugar that is processed so I can be healthier.
My answers are cool for me. But just develop alternatives so you and your friends can enjoy each other's company.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I think that failed taper is right, though, albeit a bit gruff. 
I have control over where I go or don't go. I could have said no. I'd told her I wasn't drinking, but not that I'm an alcoholic. She didn't pressure me to drink- she wanted a beer after the movie. A beer she didn't even finish. (what's the point??? lol) No one "did" anything to me there- I chose to go in and drink soda water at a bar at 12 days sober.
Not a bright idea at all. Granted, it wasn't my plan. Luckily, I've never really liked bars very much, which is why, if I have gone to them, I rarely remember later...
Thanks for responding, y'all.
I've read some of your posts, Bonami. Have you considered AlAnon? Often the best thing you can do as the "supporter" of a recovering alcoholic/addict is to take care of only yourself. If they drink, it's their choice. (unless you physically hold them down and pour it down their throat.) Figuring out why their problem is so important to you can be really helpful. Just a suggestion.
I have control over where I go or don't go. I could have said no. I'd told her I wasn't drinking, but not that I'm an alcoholic. She didn't pressure me to drink- she wanted a beer after the movie. A beer she didn't even finish. (what's the point??? lol) No one "did" anything to me there- I chose to go in and drink soda water at a bar at 12 days sober.Not a bright idea at all. Granted, it wasn't my plan. Luckily, I've never really liked bars very much, which is why, if I have gone to them, I rarely remember later...
Thanks for responding, y'all.
I've read some of your posts, Bonami. Have you considered AlAnon? Often the best thing you can do as the "supporter" of a recovering alcoholic/addict is to take care of only yourself. If they drink, it's their choice. (unless you physically hold them down and pour it down their throat.) Figuring out why their problem is so important to you can be really helpful. Just a suggestion.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by Itchy 
But as Alcoholics when we hear bar or drinks we either get anxious and don't think, or get a feeling like relief that an excuse for a fall has been offered and we can say later that it was temptation above and beyond our power.
Your friend didn't make you go to the bar but you felt pressured to do what you thought she wanted right? And she didn't even finish the beer! She probably only wanted to spend a few more minutes out with you as company. I'll bet you weren't at your best as company under the stress you mentioned either.
"We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer."
Try these responses on for size:
I don't feel like drinking a beer but . . .
1. Hey I don't want to go right home either but a beer isn't what I want, how about a cup of great coffee/tea/smoothie/lemonade at my place etc.?
2. I am starved why don't we go for a Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream/McDs/ etc. (Fast Food places by and large don't serve alcohol - pick one that does not and suits your eating/health needs)
3. Insert your own here.
Your friend didn't make you go to the bar but you felt pressured to do what you thought she wanted right? And she didn't even finish the beer! She probably only wanted to spend a few more minutes out with you as company. I'll bet you weren't at your best as company under the stress you mentioned either.
"We got out and she said she really wanted to go for a beer."
Try these responses on for size:
I don't feel like drinking a beer but . . .
1. Hey I don't want to go right home either but a beer isn't what I want, how about a cup of great coffee/tea/smoothie/lemonade at my place etc.?
2. I am starved why don't we go for a Frozen Yogurt/Ice Cream/McDs/ etc. (Fast Food places by and large don't serve alcohol - pick one that does not and suits your eating/health needs)
3. Insert your own here.
thanks itchy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by bexxed
the private hell of that, waking up thinking wait a minute, what happened last night? Oh my god, I drank all that? Who did I call? Holy cannoli, what did I say? How did I get this BRUISE? Who is THAT next to me? What did I say on Facebook? And the fog, idiocy, and daze.
I'm starting to really like soda water.
Great stuff to think about Itchy!
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Originally Posted by ETA
I hope you don't mind but this made me laugh. I totally get this. Not that it's funny at all - I have a cut on my thumb and a scratch on my shoulder from last monday night aka the night before I almost lost my fiancé and then stopped drinking.
I'm starting to really like soda water.
Great stuff to think about Itchy!
I'm starting to really like soda water.
Great stuff to think about Itchy!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York City - but moving
Posts: 57
I've been coming to SR for about two months -- and that's because I travel a lot and can't always make it to a LIVE meeting... There's something about checking in with a company of similar souls...
And frankly -- at least recently -- NOT drinking has become "the new normal."
My story is not a straight line: After 10 years of intense drinking (nightly and often by myself), I decided to quit after my husband witnessed my blackout. NOW NORMALLY HE'S A LOUD hyper dramatic guy. But this one particular morning he looked at me with his big button brown eyes and said in a whispery way, "You scared me..." I heard THAT louder than anything he could have shouted.
I had to remind myself to breaathe again because his fear stunned me...
I got myself to AA --
I have NOT been perfect AT ALL... But I'm working toward that. The wisdom in the meetings carry me along. And there's A LOT OF AUTHENTICIY.
You're making me think that maybe I'll write a post... there's ALWAYS something to check in about.... with our SR Community...
And frankly -- at least recently -- NOT drinking has become "the new normal."
My story is not a straight line: After 10 years of intense drinking (nightly and often by myself), I decided to quit after my husband witnessed my blackout. NOW NORMALLY HE'S A LOUD hyper dramatic guy. But this one particular morning he looked at me with his big button brown eyes and said in a whispery way, "You scared me..." I heard THAT louder than anything he could have shouted.
I had to remind myself to breaathe again because his fear stunned me...
I got myself to AA --
I have NOT been perfect AT ALL... But I'm working toward that. The wisdom in the meetings carry me along. And there's A LOT OF AUTHENTICIY.
You're making me think that maybe I'll write a post... there's ALWAYS something to check in about.... with our SR Community...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Hiya, Brette. Glad you're here. It sounds like you're in the right place. I travel for work a lot too- it makes the "home meeting" thing a little difficult. This forum has been really helpful for me over the past couple of weeks. Hope to see you around.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Brette
...he looked at me with his big button brown eyes and said in a whispery way, "You scared me..." I heard THAT louder than anything he could have shouted.
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