ETA

Everyone here is basically going through the same thing but there is also such great acceptance and support given to each other's own personal story. I am glad I found you all! My chosen "path" is rather lonely and I really don't think I could do it without you.

I wanted to post about where I'm at right now... This probably is just self-absorbed "sharing" but at least here I know if folks are bored reading it then they simple will ignore it

My big moment of clarity came Tuesday morning when my fiancee told me "You are the love of my life but if you can't control your drinking you are going to lose me." Reality finally hit like a ton of bricks and scared the living crap out of me. All my promises to do better were bullsh*t - I will never be able to control my drinking unless I never drink again.

Other than posting here, my path to sobriety is so far completely internal. Today is day 4 of no drinking. I have not told anyone (nor do I plan to) of my realization/acceptance that I can never drink again.

Plenty of people are aware of my problem, it's been hard to miss! I don't want to draw any more attention to myself if that makes sense? I have felt enough shame and embarrassment. Even though I have so many wonderful people I could count on - talking about my problem to anyone else would only make me feel worse.

And my dear sweet boyfriend... I don't want him to change, he doesn't have the problem, in 3 1/2 years I have seen him drunk once and tipsy just a few times. I want him to be able to drink a beer without guilt or worry. He has stood by me through way more than any person should and I don't want him to sacrifice any more for me.

So my goal is for nothing to change in my life except I don't drink. I'm so angry at the time I have wasted, the pain and trouble I have caused - I don't want alcohol take one more thing away from my life!

I have spent most of the last few months (years?) trying to moderate and then getting wasted. I have plenty of fresh shame and stupidity to remind me why I need to stop completely.

*My biggest fear is getting down the road a bit where I'm not scared or so motivated and I slip up.

And then here's what you all might think is strange. Because of this I went out yesterday and got a tattoo. It's a solid black dot about 1cm in diameter on the inside side of my pinkie. I chose this place because I see it all the time and no one else will ever notice. The idea is that looking at it reminds of the ugly truth and it will keep the reasons I HAVE to do this at the front of my mind. Also the dot is next to where my wedding ring will sit - another reminder as to why I need to stay on track.

Sounds weird but I have created my own symbolism - right now the tattoo is new - it hurts and I have to care for it. Eventually it will just be part of me and slowly it will fade but never completely go away.

I don't have religion, AA is not my thing, I don't want to talk to anyone about what I'm going through. It was impulsive (and expensive) but I needed something to ground me.

Crazy? I guess I don't care. It's already paid for itself as I went out to see a band for a bit last night and then came home and held hands with my man on the couch. I saw my dot 100 times - he never did. We watched TV, he drank a beer and I felt so strong.

I hope I'm not posting too much. My mind is just spinning and there is no one else but all of you who know that I'm going through anything at all.

Really thanks to you I am not only very optimistic and hopeful - I am excited! A feeling I never thought I would have about quitting drinking.

Hevyn

I enjoyed reading how you're feeling. I loved being able to unburden myself here - it meant everything to me. I did the same as you, didn't make any grand announcement. I think it's a very encouraging sign that you're excited on day 4. I was still miserable and sorry for myself (but then I'd been drinking my whole life).

As for your dot - I say whatever works for you is priceless. No matter how odd others might think it is. My reminder was a horrible picture of myself that I looked at whenever I was tempted to cave. I'm sitting in the Hard Rock Cafe in Orlando. My face is ghostly white and bloated, eyes red & not focused. I had thought I looked glamorous that day...was shocked at the truth.

I agree with you about the acceptance and compassion shown here. When I first joined I expected alot of "tough love" and lecturing. I've been set straight a few times, but in a kind way. I doubt I'd be sitting here sober right now if not for SR. Glad you are here with us!

Anna

SR is a place where we do understand what you're going through and that it's a hard decision to make. If the tatoo helps you, then that's great.

When you say you want nothing in your life to change, except to stop drinking, I hope that works for you. My feeling is that drinking is a symptom and I needed to deal with the underlying issues that led me to addiction.

I'm glad you're excited about living a sober life!

ETA

Yes absolutely there are underlying issues. I guess by "nothing" I mean in fairly superficial and social sense.

I know aside from drinking I have a lot of inner work to do - all the things that I have been using alcohol to cope with.

Originally I was hoping to cope with them and still drink but...

Boleo

That is a very noble goal. HOWEVER, it is not realistic for a alcoholic (if you are one). You need to learn what the underlying cause's of your drinking are and change those as well.

I am not trying to be pessimistic. I just don't want to see you waste anymore time/pain/trouble trying to white-knuckle it.

"Treat the patient, not just the disease".

ETA

Not sure if you saw my second comment. I agree and there are no white knuckles.

I am well aware that my drinking was a symptom and coping technique. Rest assured I am in therapy and actively working on my other issues.

Dee74

I love SR too, ETA - I still remember the wonderful feeling I had those first days of knowing I wasn't actually alone in this and that people understood...and cared

Like Anna said and like you intimated...I actually hope you come to find you do want to make some changes, down the line (not any of the good stuff obviously LOL) but recovery helped me grow a lot and there were many aspects of my old drinking life I wasn't initially aware of that I simply...outgrew...but for the better

It's great to have you with us
D

ETA

Thanks Dee! Great to be here!

I think working on myself is going to be so much easier if I'm sober. Trying to squeeze it in between getting drunk and feeling guilty for getting drunk wasn't quite working out!

ETA

I kind of like the idea of this...!

Terminally Unique

ETA,

Do not allow anyone to undermine your confidence or to introduce self-doubt as you move forward with this.

Although you may not yet believe it, I am pristinely confident in your own ability to abstain for the rest of your life.

-AV

recoverywfaith

CarolD

All my best as you move into a sober future....

AlcoAbroad

What a great post ETA! Congrats on your progress.

I like your attitude. Like you I did certain things a bit differently to what a lot of people advise, but it's working and that's what matters. Each to their own!!

Best of luck,
Alco

EmeraldRose

Nice post and I fully understand where you are coming from. Recovery is a personal thing and it is essential to get inside your head to fully understand your reasonings.
However, I found that the more I changed my heart and mind the more my life evolved and changed. I am a completely different person now. I'm not really sure who I was before since I drank for 30 years -but at the time I quit it was relevent to change.

I have 8 tattoos. They are all spiritual and mean something of each aspect of my life.
(3) Butterflies= new life, rebirth. Phoenix = rising from the ashes (also my grandsons name) Dragonflies= good fortune, success, peace. Dragon for strength. Chinese symbols for eternal life. They all mean something -if the dot works, then that's great.

Whatever works -its a personal thing.