KerBearz

I could really use a hug today! I am just so tired of this emotional roller coaster and I "know" I need to get off the ride. But "knowing" I need to get off the ride and "doing" it are two different things. When I hear AH's drunken voice or see his drunken face - I feel RAGE now like I have never felt before! I know I don't want this life and that I need to move on, but his hungover/sad/pathetic voice says he needs help and he wants to stop and he loves me/kids and doesn't want to hurt us anymore. It's the hook that keeps me involved. (and he knows it!)

I do believe that he loves me and I believe that he wants to be well, but then WHY won't he do what he needs to do to get well?! I guess I could ask myself the same question, huh? I believe that I need to LET GO and let him find his own way, but I am afraid to.

Thanks for letting me come here and share - no one else really understands.

dollydo

Hugs first, I am sorry that you are so down.

Sounds like you know what you have to do, but, are not ready. That is your choice, in the meantime, maybe going to Alanon meeting would be of help to you.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes, try and make today a good day!

Freedom1990

First of all, gentle hugs to you.

This morning I went grocery-shopping, and on the way home thought I'd stop by my youngest daughter's place and see her and the dogs.

Lo and behold, out front was her EXABF's motorcycle, which means he spent the night (he was with her last night when she dropped some medication off).

So I came straight home.

I can't fix her, I can't save her from herself. She insists on putting her hand on the hot stove time and time again.

I am no longer available as the sounding board for her when he's crapped on her, belittled her, and blamed her for everything wrong in his life, which is his standard modus operandi.

She feels sorry for him because he lives with his mother, and will probably take care of her the rest of her life because she knows how to manipulate people. She's had two neck surgeries (the second because she screwed up the first by not following doctors' orders), she's on more heavy narcotic medications that I've ever seen someone on, and she cries to him and does nothing to improve her life.

That's the hook for my daughter, the pity for him.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

She's willing to settle for far less than anyone deserves, and she has that right.

We all have the right to live our lives to the fullest, or to cheat ourselves out of as much as we want.

I don't grab anyone's hooks these days and it's a much better way to live.

Seren

(((KerBearz))) Sounds like you are gathering the tools you need to do what is best for you when you are ready.

Tuffgirl

When you are ready - you will know. Until then, keep talking through your emotions and know you are not alone in feeling rage.

Take good care of yourself today - doing something nice for you!

adamconan

New here...the alcoholic in my life...i found out has been shitting on me for a couple of months.....i kicked her out of the house last november.....she was 2 months sober around april and we started to "date". we are so strongly attracted to each other and i know there is good in her. but when she started drinking again she got out of control....she is now in a month long program and i cant talk to her and voice my anger at what she has done.....i know i can do nothing to help her......i just have a hard time letting go of the thought that some day she will help herself enough to be available in a relationship....i love her and wanted to marry her....i was just waiting for her to grow up.....she went the opposite direction.....i pray this new rehab center will help her.....its just hard trying to live my life and see other people when i think of her

Leaping

"RAGE"

Rage is good. When I got the point of rage, I made an appt with an attorney. You will know when YOU are ready. My AH wanted to get better, he wanted to stop and he loved his children and I. But he wanted and loved the alcohol more.

Be angry, sometimes anger can motivate change.

KerBearz

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I think maybe the biggest problem that I am having is that I am so frustrated with myself! My AH drinks - he always has, it's consistent and never changing. WHY do I keep expecting him to do something different?! I know that 'nothing changes if nothing changes' and I know that I am the one who needs to change.

Anvil, you made a good point... if I am the key to his sobriety, then why isn't he sober? That made me go "huh, good point!" I'm not God, I'm not responsible for his drinking (or lack of drinking) and I can't expect him to change simply because I think he should!

BUT, sometimes I feel like there is only one tether holding him to this planet that keeps him from spinning out into orbit and I feel like I am the one holding the other end. Crazy, huh? I know it's not true, but that's how it feels... it I let go... then what? I would probably find out that he can take care of himself!

A couple of weeks ago, he moved out and went to live at the cabin. In a very codie moment, I went to see him. We talked for a few minutes (he was very, very drunk) and I ended up saying that I didn't like to see him sitting there all by himself thinking that nobody cares about him. He responded to me..."Why in the world would I ever think THAT?" Apparently that thought had never occurred to him - just me.

*oh, well* - thanks again guys! I appreciate your kindness.

laurie6781

Did you ever stop to think that maybe just maybe HP knows that he needs to 'spin out of orbit'? Maybe, just maybe, you are keeping the ineveitable from happening? and in the process making yourself and your family miserable?

You CANNOT save him.

Hopefully, your anger will rise to the extent that you will move forward for YOU.

In the meantime, we are here for you.

Love and hugs,

wywriter

Big huge virtual hugs for KerBearz! My RA mom and I (both with AHs) actually just had this conversation about five hours ago. My AH has been passed out for the past 2 1/2 days, waking up just long enough to get more to drink. Last night he put his head through the sheet rock -- and this house is post-WWI, pre-WWII...this was a HARD fall -- and I've been checking to make sure he's still breathing (he hasn't had any water during that time either). I slept in a different bed last night because he passed out diagonally across the bed and was soaked in his own urine when I looked in.

Her AH drinks daily too, and this morning had been really wanting attention from her and really wanted to talk, then he wanted to go to some garage sales. Mom didn't realize he'd already drank that morning (or sometime during the night or wee hours), so off they went -- in his pickup. By time he started showing signs of drunkenness they were far from home, and he refused to relinquish the driver's seat to her. She stayed in the vehicle because she didn't know how she was going to get home (I told her to call me next time) and she was worried about what to do with the (155lb) dog if she were on foot.

We discussed these occurrences and a smattering of others (we work out together three times a week, so we stay pretty up-to-date anyway). Neither of us can rationalize why it isn't enough. Why is it that with all this crap going on, we're still willing to keep trying? I have absolutely no answer. That said, they say when you're ready to go then you just know -- I wasn't so sure this was true while I was in my very unhappy first marriage (oh yeah, I'm on a roll), but when I was ready I DID know and I walked away that very day feeling only relief.

Adamconan -- first, welcome to SR! All I can say is if "grow up" means "sober up," you may be waiting a very, very long time. My AH is 51 and, at nearly 27 years my senior, is usually assumed to be the mature one in the relationship. They say you stop maturing emotionally at the point you get addicted because you're no longer coping with the emotions -- which puts me at roughly 10 years ahead of him now.