hope2be

Hello SR Family,

Began reading ACOA Big Red Book. I'm overwhelmed, frightened and feel like I'll never make it over this mountain.

Did anyone else feel like this when they first started recognizing this as the problem? I first came to this website and was posting under FF Substance Abuse due to my Adult Children and codie issues. Now, I am convinced my problems go much deeper than my codie issues. There's been a lot of damage done to my children and myself living in all this dysfunction.

The damn thing about me is that I've developed this isolation and it's really difficult for me to really open up to people. I began attending CODA meetings, which is a step in the right direction, but I still can't bring myself to choose a sponsor. I live in a rural area and drive close to 50miles to attend this meeting. ACOA meetings are even further.

Therefore, I look to this board and SR family to bring a sense of belonging and escape from my self-imposed isolation.

Huggs to all

DesertEyes

Hello there hope

I sure did. But there's a few tricks I learned from other people in recovery that were hugely helpful to me. Tell me what you think of them.

- I'm not supposed to climb the mountain in one day. I'm only supposed to take _one_ spoonful off the mountain every once in awhile. The mountain didn't get piled up in one day, so it won't go away in one day.

- If I start "spooning" at the bottom of the mountain then after a short while big chunks of the mountain will have no foundation and come tumbling down and out of the way.

- Some parts of the mountain can actually be useful, if I learn how to control them instead of them controlling me.

Those are nice little tips, here's how it worked for me in real life.

- I started my recovery by focusing _just_ on the first step. I read other books on the subject, but only the parts relevant to the first step. I went to meetings, first of al-anon because ACA didn't exist yet, listened to other people talk about the first step and tried to see how I could apply their experience to my own life.

- I asked around at the meetings and got the name of a good therapist, who helped me understand a lot of the issues and how many of them depended on each other.

- One of my "characteristics" as an ACA was a need to be loved. I thought that I could "purchase" that love by doing things for others. I learned that the charateristic is just a "personality trait" known as "kindness". If I take it to the wrong extreme I become a "people pleaser", if I don't do any then I'm selfish. Done in the correct _balance_ I am a helpful person.

Yup, that's how I was. The secret for me was to _not_ open up to people. Instead I worked on opening up just a very, very small amount and see how they responded. If they were kind and considerate I opened up a little more, and so on. This taught me not only _how_ to open up, it also taught me how to "test" people to find who are trustworthy and who are not.

It's the same idea, don't change yourself all at once. Just "improve" a very small part one bit at a time.

There's no rush. Not everybody heals with a sponsor. Some people use a therapist instead, or a good friend, or a pastor.

That's exactly what SR is all about Everybody here, all 80 some thousand members, uses SR as part of their "recovery program". It's like a relly big meeting, except we call talk at the same time

Feel free to toss out any questions you have, or insights you find. There's not a lot of us in this forum but we are pretty lively once you get us going

Mike

hope2be

Hello Mike:
Thanks for all your insight.

Yes, I guess I need to take baby steps right now, not try to take on a mountain. I just feel that my life has gone by in such dysfunction and I want to be free of all of this. Patience was never one of my virtues.

As far as a sponsor, I was stressing over choosing one. I began attending CODA meetings (there aren't any ACOA meetings for miles around) and I still do not "click" with anyone.

I do thank you for making me feel welcome to this forum, because I feel that my focus must be on the past and trying to fix that inside of me. I can understand how my adult children ended up being so dysfunctional and understand that I cannot go back and fix it for them, no more than my deceased parents can fix me now.

Luv:
I'm with you when you say "can't make a connection". I too have dysfunctional family living all around me, like the whole family lives down one street. It's all around and I'm the only one venturing out to change.

I want to buy books and literature and shove it in their faces, but I realize, that's just me trying to control (out of fear) so I don't have to make this journey alone.

I'm not giving up though. Life had become way, way, way too crazy and I never want to go back there.

Huggs to all my new family/friends.

newby1961

Self imposed prison in my mind that should be a song if it isn't one already?

I loved reading Mike's post as it was uplifting and full of hope.

I have to remember I am not alone I have a HP in my life who I choose to call God.

As far as AA and NA meetings it sure can feel like everyone there is there for courts but you really have to search around for the old timers they are there. There is a lot of recovery if you seek it out..

I love SR when I first started if you told me I would have over 1K posts I would of thought you crazy but I can't seem to start my day without being on here.

I start my day off with the gratitude threads because I can not let my mind sink in feeling ungrateful and hopeless.

I end my threads with the Whiners one and that one is awesome everyone whines about daily life or whatever.

Anyway I hope everyone finds what they are searching for because life is way to short.

Peace & Blessings All

SusieC

I felt exactly like this, and sometimes I still do. I'm very new to the recovery, just trying to know the new, healthy me better. For a few days I actually felt worse before I felt better. I was angrier, more bitter than before, I lost hope too. I think this was something like washing a really dirty plate. Before it gets nice and clean, it gets more yucky and the thing that got me going was that I was thinking what will happen if I just give it up and can't wait for it to be clean...I also lurked here a lot!
Mike, your post was so helpful, thank you! I saved it for later use!