ulcer inducing anxiety

Old 06-25-2011, 12:11 AM
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ulcer inducing anxiety

my dilemma is--I leave in a week--I feel the ulcer-inducing type of anxiety when I even THINK about the thought of leaving without actually having a good-bye with him. the flip-flopping about meeting up a month agoo confuses me because i dont know if it was merely because i didn't "pad" the interaction for him by saying "I want to see you"--and his pervasive fear and defensiveness took over and made him back out of our plans or if he truly wants me to disappear (which, by his initial invite to keep in touch obviously shows that wasn't his gut want).

in a romantic sense, i want that last goodbye to share the sadness of the finality with him, but realistically--i want to leave with him knowing that my door is still open for him. however, i dont know how to communicate this or if i even should because, in the past (during our roller-coaster relationship), when i would tell him what he meant to me during the throws of his depression, he'd push me away even harder and tell me i was manipulating him by saying "I love you. I care about you. I'm rooting for you." etc.

why do i want to leave the door open for him? because i feel that i cant close it-and yes, ive been trying for almost a year now. i've read many times over the things that go into a successful relationship and we have every single one of them down, except for the fact that we are dealing with a very horrible disease (or, in his case, two--depression and alcoholism). i'm smart enough to know, though, that i wouldn't be able to move on WITH HIM in my life unless he starts being proactive with understanding and recovering from his disease(s). during times of lucidity (i.e. not drunk) he would obviously apologize, tell me that he doesn't know why he pushes me away when it's the last thing he wants... and basically make it seem like i'd be better off without him in my life (which is what i truly think he believes).

HONESTLY, I experience feelings nauseousness when i think about driving away from this city and not saying good-bye. I'm trying to train my brain that I won't be doing this, but in case it does--i need advice on how to approach what I just stated.
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:34 AM
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thank you luvindaisy

i go back and forth between listening to my feelings and not listening.

because, when i felt "defensive" and nervous around my ex when I ran into him or when we were in the middle of the roller coaster ride and i was ignoring my anxiety back then... i realized that was my subconscious telling me what to do by my PHYSICAL symptoms because... i was essentially ignoring my feelings which led to my being in denial and ignoring reality.

SOOOO... when i feel anxiety and physical symptoms regarding him and actually wanting to establish contact... how is it that all of a sudden i shouldn't listen to THOSE feelings?

shouldn't we listen to our feelings? i understand the "codie" situation if you were still in denial of reality and if you're wanting to 'save' etc... but why is it that EVERY action has to be "codie" behavior? my therapist and i don't even talk about that. i have a very firm grasp of reality--otherwise i would be acting on every impulse, which i'm not. im not wanting to establish contact so that i can get back together at this instant... ignoring all the facts. im wanting to establish contact--approach it as an adult--talk about the sadness of the facts-but to leave with him knowing that i am not walking away from him--that i am leaving my door open for whatever type of connection it would be.

i've been having anxiety that i've been ignoring for a VERY LONG TIME now all because i want to establish contact.

i think, on this forum, we are very quick to judge ourselves... when really, the codie-alcoholic relationship was a study (im a scientist, btw) done a long time ago... and has evolved... i see that it does have some valid points and is long-established and yes, it's healthy to look into our own behaviors. however, not EVERY alcoholic relationship would fall into that category--they found a CORRELATION--statistically speaking, scientists take that with a grain of salt. and ok, if we were all codies at some point--im pretty sure that we've all done a lot of soul-searching that not every action regarding our As in our lives would necessarily just mean "codie". if we do that, you start seeing that in EVERYONE--and that's not fair to the human experience.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:33 PM
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There's a lot of analyzing going on here, i'm having trouble keeping up. We call it analysis paralysis in my homegroup.

Looks like you are looking for closure with an official 'goodbye', which I and, from what I have read, many others on here gave up on getting when we finally left our A's. Attempting closure for me, the first two times I tried to leave my ex, just gave him the opportunity to change my mind. Make more promises, cry new tears. And he succeeded. Twice. And nothing ever changed. That's how the "i'm not closing the door on us forever" idea went over for me. Knowing that I was still going to be around, in any way shape or form, was all he needed to weasel his way back in. All it did was prolong my suffering from our toxic relationship. But, it pushed me to my bottom. So I guess that was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe your chapter with him isn't done yet. Maybe there is a future. God only knows, and He ain't tellin.

When someone treats themselves like garbage, repeatedly pushes you away, and then reminds you later how you are too good for them, (HUGE manipulation, btw) it's usually best if you believe them.

Sending you strength, whatever you decide to do. There are other ways to get closure from a bad relationship that won't involve setting yourself up to be taken advantage of again. I hope i'm not being to forward here, but I can't help but think that if you let him know you aren't giving up on him so to speak, he will definitely not give up on sucking you back in.

Maybe it's time to let him go, and let God take over hun.

hugs to you
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:06 PM
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Sometimes when I overanalyze something, it is because I am avoiding the obvious, my own feelings. Feelings and having them are what make us human. So what is best for you and your ability to handle things is what prevails. We are all wired differently in terms of coping, strength, emotions. It is easy to get stuck on a label to explain ourselves when that is just one piece of the puzzle.

I don't know your situation in detail. Maybe look at the pros and cons of saying goodbye. If you can do it and will feel better for it then I don't see why you couldn't. Sometimes the simplist ways of communicating are the most effective. Or you can write him when you are settled in the new town. Or not. If it will make things harder for yourself then don't say bye. Protect yourself.

You should listen to your feelings but analyze them with your rational brain to see if acting on them will do more harm or help. When I am overthinking something (a feeling). I know that isn't the time to get a clear picture for myself. I wait until I am in a relaxed state, with some distance and then see it clearer.

I know this answer sounds vague but I guess I'm saying to not analyze with emotions your emotions. Feel them, acknowledge them, then filter those feelings with your calm rational side.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:09 PM
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kittykitty thank you.

the funny thing is--the thing that holds ME back from contacting isn't because im afraid of getting sucked back in--i honestly feel strong enough that i wouldn't. i deserve a healthy relationship... any future children i want to have deserve a two-parent, engaged household. not to mention, the barrier of my moving away is there to make that an impossibility. what i want is for him to know that's there.

what holds me back is getting a continued rejection--where he WOULDN't share in my sadness of it all. im not asking to be manipulated, but i would like some sort of nice words that doesn't just dismiss what we did share, the good that was there was something that i want acknowledged.

does that make sense? does every interaction with the xAs always turn into them trying to suck u back in? what if they don't? now i feel the pressure that if he doesn't--man i'll be really worthless since everyone else was tried be sucked in (lol)
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:18 PM
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Let me see if I can sort this out.. you are hoping by telling him your plans that he will realize something? Or respond in a particular way? Im only trying to clarify your post. If that is the case then maybe that is sort of a trap for you.

I'd say bye for my own reasons, if it made me feel ok. If it made my journey more comfortable then yes I'd say bye. But if I were to do it in order to make him realize something, then it won't work. I'll be setting myself up for disappointment.

I know because we've all done this. Take an action in the hopes that it will bring out a reaction we want. That is when we are expecting and outcome. If it doesn't happen, we feel worse.

If you can go and say bye and let go of that expectation, competely let go of it, how he reacts or what he says won't matter. You would have done it for you.

You want him to get well and have hopes that if he does then a healthy relationship will emerge? So you are keeping the door open? But are afraid that he will push you away more? If he has pushed you away already then nothing you do or say will prevent or fix that.

Maybe not be so fixated on how he'd respond but how it would make you feel saying bye. We can't control how someone else is dealing with a situation. We can't force them to care about us any more than they are capable of.
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Old 06-25-2011, 10:03 PM
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My $0.02?.... just get in the car and GO.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by forgotten1 View Post
im not asking to be manipulated, but i would like some sort of nice words that doesn't just dismiss what we did share, the good that was there was something that i want acknowledged.
That makes perfect sense. If you weren't dealing with an alcoholic.

We call that going to the hardware store looking for bread. The odds of you getting what you are looking for are pretty slim.

I remind myself... people do not let me down, my expectations of people let me down. Sometimes saying what I need to say is beneficial for me, but only when the satisfaction isn't based on the response I get from the other person. I've been let down too many times in that area, so I learned not to give power over my emotions to others. I say what I need to say, then let go and let God.

Keep us posted, and sending you hugs
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
... Take an action in the hopes that it will bring out a reaction we want.
Great wording here baby, you nailed it for me. Textbook manipulation. I used to think that the alcoholic was the only one who did this, until I realized how often I did the same thing. Saying or doing things, in the hopes of affecting someone else's actions or thought process. I always try and check my motivation now, before I do or say things, to be sure I'm not trying to manipulate a situation.

I am by no means saying that you are doing this, forgotten, I just know how much I did it before recovery.

Okay, now I feel like i'm doing it now, by posting this...arg But my motivation is to share my serenity, so it's okay!
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:26 PM
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forgotten1,

I am struggling with the same dilemma. I am moving across the country in about a month and am debating whether I want to see XABF to get some of my things from him before leaving. I keep going back and forth in my head about it, and it looks like you are struggling with thinking about it a lot as well.

I don't think there is a clear answer or a "right" way to handle it. My method for deciding whether or not I want to do it might help you though? All I do is sort of take a poll of do it or don't do it over many different days and times. That way I can see what true action I would like to take emerge and it is less colored by chance ups and downs in emotion. Maybe that's something you could try?
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