Spouse ashamed?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Spouse ashamed?
Okay guys, I'm a bit confused. On the one hand my husband tells me he's happy for me and encourages AA meetings and then on the other I have situations like this - last night I mentioned an AA Book after meeting with my sponsor and my husband happened to be online via xBox with a friend who could hear everything. Well I was "shooshed" and told "HE CAN HEAR YOU!" This is one of a few little incidents so far.
I should say that he's gone to ALANON 2 times and seems to be okay with it. Is this his embarrassment? Is anyone dealing with this or has anyone dealt with this early in recovery. He seems really embarrassed but he's the one that encouraged me to stop drinking and continues to encourage me to go to AA and everything that goes with it.....
TKS! As usual, TKS!!!! :ghug3
I should say that he's gone to ALANON 2 times and seems to be okay with it. Is this his embarrassment? Is anyone dealing with this or has anyone dealt with this early in recovery. He seems really embarrassed but he's the one that encouraged me to stop drinking and continues to encourage me to go to AA and everything that goes with it.....
TKS! As usual, TKS!!!! :ghug3
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There seems to be a lot of social stigma about alcoholism even these days 1undone.
My drunken uncles were always wastrels and ....morally dubious to the rest of the family, for example.
I cheerfully agreed with that for many years - I think it's one of those societal things a lot of people just accept and never think about....
then I crossed over to the other side.
I know alcoholism is not a moral issue for me - and all my shame and embarrassment is behind me now
It's sad there's this attitude - I think it makes it a lot harder for people to accept their reality and get help....but a lot of people - normies if you will - really have no idea about what alcoholism really means.
D
My drunken uncles were always wastrels and ....morally dubious to the rest of the family, for example.
I cheerfully agreed with that for many years - I think it's one of those societal things a lot of people just accept and never think about....
then I crossed over to the other side.
I know alcoholism is not a moral issue for me - and all my shame and embarrassment is behind me now
It's sad there's this attitude - I think it makes it a lot harder for people to accept their reality and get help....but a lot of people - normies if you will - really have no idea about what alcoholism really means.
D
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
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Is you going to AA more embarrassing to your spouse than things you might have done when really drunk ? Not for my wife, but that's just my experience.
Why not ask him ?
Getting help for yourself should never feel embarrassing, which is what you're doing.
Why not ask him ?
Getting help for yourself should never feel embarrassing, which is what you're doing.
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Location: UK
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As has been said there is a bit of a stigma about being an alcoholic which i don't think is too unjustified if we are honest with ourselves...unfortunately the term alcoholic or drunk doesn't exactly conjure up a recovered, sober individual in most people's minds...maybe if there were more of them around it might?
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Maybe he was just protecting your anonymity?
My wife and I are pretty well known in these parts and she was very guarded about our anonymity... To the point sometimes that I felt like you... That perhaps she was ashamed. But, also.... what about her anonymity? Why should she have to explain anything to anybody about what was going on with me?
I was very glad she did, in retrospect... I prefer to stay anonymous in my small community and she helped(s) me do just that.
My wife and I are pretty well known in these parts and she was very guarded about our anonymity... To the point sometimes that I felt like you... That perhaps she was ashamed. But, also.... what about her anonymity? Why should she have to explain anything to anybody about what was going on with me?
I was very glad she did, in retrospect... I prefer to stay anonymous in my small community and she helped(s) me do just that.
Last edited by Mark75; 06-24-2011 at 04:55 PM. Reason: Expanded thought.
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I'm not sure I get it as the others that have replied to your post have Undone.
Alcoholism, when considered as a moral issue, IMO makes the alcoholic feel that they as a person are morally decrepit and as Dee wrote: wastrels (great word Dee...I like it
).
That is the very thing AA tried to ameliorate, from the alcoholic's self view at least. No, alcohol dependance/abuse is an illness. Its a condition that people have not necessarily a condition that people are.
Sure there are bad people that do bad things when they drink or not. There also are good people that do bad things because they drink. The two are not the same. Unfortunately there are many people that can't or do not care to know the difference.
Alcoholism, when considered as a moral issue, IMO makes the alcoholic feel that they as a person are morally decrepit and as Dee wrote: wastrels (great word Dee...I like it
). That is the very thing AA tried to ameliorate, from the alcoholic's self view at least. No, alcohol dependance/abuse is an illness. Its a condition that people have not necessarily a condition that people are.
Sure there are bad people that do bad things when they drink or not. There also are good people that do bad things because they drink. The two are not the same. Unfortunately there are many people that can't or do not care to know the difference.
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Originally Posted by Mark75 
Maybe he was just protecting your anonymity?
But the stigma is there and he most likely wants to protect you from anyone else passing judgements.
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oddly enough, there seems to be more social stigma for a recovering or recovered alcoholic than a practicing alcoholic. Go figure. Your husband may have been protecting your anonymity, may have been trying to pay attention to his game, or may be embarassed. Who knows? Only one way to find out -- talk to him about it.
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Originally Posted by GettingStronger2
there seems to be more social stigma for a recovering or recovered alcoholic than a practicing alcoholic.
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"I'm an alcoholic" may be fine for recovery group meetings, but it can pose problems in real life, and your husband may be keenly aware of this, even though he himself may not have a problem with it.
Firstly, there is, as others have mentioned, a certain stigma attached to the label. Secondly, there is that pesky notion of "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" - which many people interpret to mean that former "alcoholics" may inexplicably explode into drunkenness at any time.
For my part, mainly because of this second reason, I will never, ever concede to anyone, under any circumstances, that I am "an alcoholic" - not even to well-meaning people in recovery who sometimes say to me "well, maybe you aren't an alcoholic" - which would cause many people to go into "qualifying" mode and to give a drunkalogue.
If asked if I am "an alcoholic" I will honestly answer "NO, I am not" - and this is not "denial," either. I would answer as such even under oath. The way I see it, it is called ALCOHOL-ism for a reason. Since I don't drink alcohol, and will never drink it, I cannot possibly be "an alcoholic."
I might conceivably concede that I was once formerly addicted to ethanol - if asked - but the chances of anyone ever asking me that question who might even remotely merit an answer are fairly slim. I doubt that even a prosecutor would think to pose the question properly.
Firstly, there is, as others have mentioned, a certain stigma attached to the label. Secondly, there is that pesky notion of "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" - which many people interpret to mean that former "alcoholics" may inexplicably explode into drunkenness at any time.
For my part, mainly because of this second reason, I will never, ever concede to anyone, under any circumstances, that I am "an alcoholic" - not even to well-meaning people in recovery who sometimes say to me "well, maybe you aren't an alcoholic" - which would cause many people to go into "qualifying" mode and to give a drunkalogue.
If asked if I am "an alcoholic" I will honestly answer "NO, I am not" - and this is not "denial," either. I would answer as such even under oath. The way I see it, it is called ALCOHOL-ism for a reason. Since I don't drink alcohol, and will never drink it, I cannot possibly be "an alcoholic."
I might conceivably concede that I was once formerly addicted to ethanol - if asked - but the chances of anyone ever asking me that question who might even remotely merit an answer are fairly slim. I doubt that even a prosecutor would think to pose the question properly.
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I grew up in an alcoholic home and come from long lineage of alcoholics in the extended family. My immediate family, which consisted of seven siblings, grew up into two different types - the abolitionists (who wouldn't bring a drop of booze to their lips), and the alcoholics (and yes, I am one of them).
Interestingly, two of the "abolitionists" in the family married alcoholics. One is still married after her spouse found recovery, but the other is now divorced.
What was common to all of the siblings in my immediate family is that when the insanity was going on in the home and all hell was breaking loose, to the outside world, we did not acknowledge the pink elephant in the room. As a matter of fact, we were all pretty fiercely defensive of our situation, and never spoke of it to the outside.
I'm just curious as to whether your husband grew up in an alcoholic home? That instinct to "hide" was so instilled in me, it was like second nature. It carried into my working life and my social life. I was CONSUMED with what other people would think while I tried to portray that I could give a rats arse about what others thought. Think it was one of the reasons why I took so long to get treatment.
Interestingly, two of the "abolitionists" in the family married alcoholics. One is still married after her spouse found recovery, but the other is now divorced.
What was common to all of the siblings in my immediate family is that when the insanity was going on in the home and all hell was breaking loose, to the outside world, we did not acknowledge the pink elephant in the room. As a matter of fact, we were all pretty fiercely defensive of our situation, and never spoke of it to the outside.
I'm just curious as to whether your husband grew up in an alcoholic home? That instinct to "hide" was so instilled in me, it was like second nature. It carried into my working life and my social life. I was CONSUMED with what other people would think while I tried to portray that I could give a rats arse about what others thought. Think it was one of the reasons why I took so long to get treatment.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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As someone who was raised by and alcoholilc, is a drunk and lives in a town where drinking is the most popular hobby - I find this thread extremely interesting. What AVRT and wellwisher said is certainly some food for thought.
One thing is for certain, the issue is not black and white - he's ashamed/he's proud - it's a commlicated personal and social issue. Talking to him would help you understand but in some senses he might not even understand. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out things like this.
(ps I'm learning so much from the people here.)
One thing is for certain, the issue is not black and white - he's ashamed/he's proud - it's a commlicated personal and social issue. Talking to him would help you understand but in some senses he might not even understand. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out things like this.
(ps I'm learning so much from the people here.)
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
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I also agree and think this is something you two should talk about.
Maybe he's the type that doesn't see it as anybody's business what struggles your marriage goes through and likes to keep things behind closed doors. Maybe he doesn't want his friends thinking differently of you or maybe he was just informing you that they can hear, thinking you dont want people to know by an overheard conversation you and your husband would be having in the privacy of your own home.
The fact is, there are a number of reason's why your husband shooshed you.
My bf also plays online via PS3 and has "reminded" me several times that his friends can hear for a number of reasons. Sometimes its because I'm talking about something embarrassing or sometimes its because its personal. Sometime I have to shoosh him for the same reasons.
But I don't know his reasons until I ask him.
I, personally don't see it being a reason caused by shame. Just like your husband, my bf wanted and encouraged me (still does) to get and stay sober. As a matter of fact, he loves having "ME" back so much that he embraces the "alcoholic" in me and takes comfort that me putting our fam through what I did wasn't because I was a psycho b****.
Ask him. On top of getting the answers you need, you'll be communicating and it'll open both of you up and bring you guys closer.
Maybe he's the type that doesn't see it as anybody's business what struggles your marriage goes through and likes to keep things behind closed doors. Maybe he doesn't want his friends thinking differently of you or maybe he was just informing you that they can hear, thinking you dont want people to know by an overheard conversation you and your husband would be having in the privacy of your own home.
The fact is, there are a number of reason's why your husband shooshed you.
My bf also plays online via PS3 and has "reminded" me several times that his friends can hear for a number of reasons. Sometimes its because I'm talking about something embarrassing or sometimes its because its personal. Sometime I have to shoosh him for the same reasons.
But I don't know his reasons until I ask him.
I, personally don't see it being a reason caused by shame. Just like your husband, my bf wanted and encouraged me (still does) to get and stay sober. As a matter of fact, he loves having "ME" back so much that he embraces the "alcoholic" in me and takes comfort that me putting our fam through what I did wasn't because I was a psycho b****.
Ask him. On top of getting the answers you need, you'll be communicating and it'll open both of you up and bring you guys closer.
you are all great! It's a combo of a lot of the things brought up here. This whole sober living creates a lot of conversation! Lol
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Stigma is something that all alcoholics are unfortunately faced with. It is very difficult for those not afflicted to understand the nature of alcoholism. And stereotypes persist, even though many great people have been affected by it. And it's by no means rare.
While alcoholism is increasingly seen by the medical professions as a complex mental issue/illness, to others it can look simply like a conscious behavioral choice that's become out of hand, hence the judgment. Tbh I didn't start drinking until comparatively late in life, I probably once viewed it in such judgmental terms. I can understand that you felt hurt at a sensitive time for you, however it may have been a protective thing on his part (anonymnity in AA is protective). Early in my recovery I decided that I was responsible for my own things, that is my recovery, that became my focus. I was battling for my life and was not going to become distracted by the judgments of others who don't understand.
Fortunately, I found that I had quite good, non judgmental local support. It took awhile to earn back some people's trust but now we are okay. And crucially, I am okay and reconciled with myself.
While alcoholism is increasingly seen by the medical professions as a complex mental issue/illness, to others it can look simply like a conscious behavioral choice that's become out of hand, hence the judgment. Tbh I didn't start drinking until comparatively late in life, I probably once viewed it in such judgmental terms. I can understand that you felt hurt at a sensitive time for you, however it may have been a protective thing on his part (anonymnity in AA is protective). Early in my recovery I decided that I was responsible for my own things, that is my recovery, that became my focus. I was battling for my life and was not going to become distracted by the judgments of others who don't understand.
Fortunately, I found that I had quite good, non judgmental local support. It took awhile to earn back some people's trust but now we are okay. And crucially, I am okay and reconciled with myself.
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