KellyToronto

I was dating this woman many years ago - she ended up treating me very badly - then she got leukemia and died.

For over 22 years I have resented how she treated me.

What can I do, she is gone.

Yet another "trigger" to jump into a vat of wine...thank God I've been sober a while, though.

Kelly

bellakeller

what would happen if you just let it go?

Horselover

I was going to say something similar to Bella's comment. I mean feeling the emotions and moving through it is a way to put it behind us. When we suppress our emotions and hide from them through drinking they never leave us completely. I found I was doing this for a very long time.

nandm

Sometimes the best amends we can make is to forgive ourselves. It sounds to me like the resentment you have might be one where you might work on it from the forgiveness angle. You can not change what has happened (the past) but you can change your present and future. Sometimes the best we can do is truly hear and apply the Serenity Prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (what happened in the past), the courage to change the things I can (forgive yourself for your past), and the wisdom to know the difference (are there aspects of this that you can change or improve? Such as what was recommended below of volunteering at a leukemia center to give back)."

One thing I do know is nothing is going to get better if you drink over it. Life only gets better when we keep moving forward, to drink is to take backwards steps. You have come too far to go backwards now.

1undone

A friend of mine has said that just because a person dies doesn't mean they are suddenly a nice person everyone should act like they liked. I know that sounds bad (lord don't strike me down!) but I agree!

I liked the forgiving yourself comment. It's in the past though if you do feel you need to take some action to stay away from the wine then do so.

newwings

SHE treated YOU badly - not the other way round. There really is not a lot you can do to change this, but like the others I would say find what you can to let it go. She can't say sorry now, even if she wanted to, so you will never be able to absolve this fully but you can make sure you never get treated that way in the future.

Write her a letter then burn it, or a few words on a helium balloon and release it. Please don't let this niggle away at what you've achieved with your sobriety, Kelly.

Anna

Kelly, I found that writing down resentments like that helped me a lot. Write a letter or write in a journal, and it might help you to begin to rid yourself of the negative emotions.

billsaintjames

Something that helped me get over a past relationship in which I took a lot of verbal abuse was "owning" that abuse. As in, I allowed myself to be treated that way. No one held a gun to my head and made me stick around with her. Once I took responsibility, it helped me move on. I hope this helps.