peanut21

I do not understand. I so need to get myself and my kids out of this situation. I feel so trapped. My husband slept for 2 1/2 days detoxing. He got paid yesterday from work which was 1 whole day in a week because of all the stuff he did when we were gone. When I got home he was gone. He comes home and tells me he is going to go talk to his dad. A little while later his mom text's me to tell me he is there with them. About 3 hours later I get a call from his mom saying I need to go pick up his keys from the jail and then pick her up so we can go get his car. I get to the police station and they tell me that I need to be there to pick him up at 6 am. He has a job he is supposed to leave for at 6 and I did not call his bosses for him this time. When I go pick him up at the jail he tells me I should be more understanding. Excuse me he is on home incarceration because of probation he has already went to jail for 90 days because of 2 public intoxication charges and now he has had 2 more public intoxication charges in the last 2 months. I can't believe his probation officer has not tried to violate him. He is facing 41/2 years of a suspended sentence and he does not care. He tells me this is my fault because I left for the weekend without telling him. If he goes to jail I don't know what I will do. I would rather he be away from us but with no way to support my family I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. He spent what little of his paycheck he had. He has always paid all the bills and used the left over to do his drugs now he is stealing from I don't know where and the bills are no longer getting paid.
I have started packing some of my things but with nowhere to go and no way to support myself and my kids I am lost. I feel so alone. How do people do this. I told my sister one day that I always said I didn't understand how people stayed with someone abusing them and Now I do know why people stay. It is for all kinds of reasons. Financial, insecurity, hoplessness, they don't know any other way and so many more reasons.

I talked to my attorney again yesterday and she tells me to hang in there and do the best I can but how do you watch someone slowly kill themselves and you? I feel so helpless.

Squishyboots

You can't fix him, only he can do that. You need to think of yourself and your family. If he's spending his check on liquor than what pay will you miss if he does go to jail? You need to think about you now. You can't help an alcoholic, only they can. You know what you need to do - move forward and get the help you need to grow. We are all here for you.

hello-kitty

What does your sister say about this situation?

Do you get financial support from the state? If so, maybe you can call your caseworker. If not, then get on down to the local office and apply for some assistance. When I was pregnant, on bedrest for toximia, out of work and broke because my son's drug addicted father had stolen my savings, I went to the public health office and they referred me to several programs that enabled me to take care of my child and my basic needs until I was able to get back on my feet. I cried my eyes out. The caseworker was wonderful and supportive and helped me get through it all.

I also suggest local churches and foodbanks. They have resources for people in situations just like yours.

Catholic Community Services is an amazing resource. You don't have to be Catholic. And it's not about religion. It's about helping people who need help. If they don't have what you need, I guarantee they KNOW who has what you need:

Maybe one of these numbers will help:

Catholic Charities of St. Charles (337) 433-9979

Catholic Charities of SW Louisianna: (337) 439-7436

Catholic Charities Care Line: (866) 891-2210

You know the saying. When the times get tough. The tough getting going. Try focusing on solutions Peanut, not problems. Things get better when we make them better.

ksumm77

When I start feeling hopeless and helpless, it helps me to go to Al Anon meetings and be around others who have been in similar situations. It doesn't give me immediate answers, but it helps me to calm down and focus on myself and what I am going to do for me.

dollydo

Is there anyone in your family who can loan you some money? If not, I'd try some of the numbers that Hello-Kitty posted.

peanut21

Hello-Kitty: Thank you for those #'s. My sister lives in MN with the rest of my family and right now none of them are in a position where they can help out financially or otherwise. My dad is in and out of the hospital and my other family members are barley making it. I don't really tell them a lot of what is going on here because they worry. My brother just tells me to pack and get out. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I am working on it.
I am starting to pack up some of my things as I don't know what to do with them or what I will do yet I am just slowly trying to figuare out where to go and what to do. I want some stability in my and my kids life and it's not here but how well is uprooting them? I know it is better than this for them though.They are worried and unsure themselves right now.

peanut21

I know the last time he was in jail I tried some of the local agencies but was unable to receive any help. Maybe because at that time I was able to work I am not sure. I know one told me since I had gotten help from one agency I was not able to get help from them for 18 months but I am starting to look around and see what I can find. I am not on any programs now because my husband makes to much even if I don't see any of it.
Thank you for your suggestions and information.

hello-kitty

Well you won't know if you don't call, right!

tjp613

Peanut - I am so sorry

If you have been emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually abused you will qualify for shelter and counseling with your local DV shelter.

The Louisiana state coalition hotline is: 1.888.411.1333 They will be able to help you.

If you are not sure you would qualify, call anyway. Many times when we are living in it we don't even recognize that we are being abused.

There are some amazing articles and resources listed here as well: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

peanut21

WOW! Now I find out he has not paid my car payment and he tells me he is not going to anymore. I guess this is a new way of punishing me. It is bad enough that I don't get any money or support at home but now he says I don't need a car it is to expensive and he can't afford it. I know it is a new way of keeping me and the kids at home. I don't know what we will do with out a vehicle. I drive my son back and forth to work and get the kids out of the house for awhile when I am feeling up to it. He has already stopped paying our phone bill said we don't need a phone and has also stopped paying on the one credit card I have for emergency car repair that he used to get new tires for his car. He has ruined my credit, my life and my kids life. I guess this is his way of trying to keep me here. Why does he care if I am here or not he does not spend any time with us and doesn't want to be around us only wants his drugs so why keep us here like prisoners?

Chino

His hijacked brain may view all of you as possessions, not loved ones.

There's a sticky up at the top of this forum titled What Addicts Do. It's one hell of an eye opener.

peanut21

Chino: I did read that and thank you. It was an eyeopener for sure I guess I am still having a hard time understanding and keep reading all the information but it's still hard to comprehend for me I guess. I see what he is doing and reading the info here has helped me see I am not alone. I guess I don't need to understand it is just very hard to not want an answer.

suki44883

His way of keeping you there is working. He is systematically cutting you off from everyone else. That is what abusers do. This situation is not going to improve. You are going to have to find a way to get out. Use the information others have given you and start the process. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are going to have to be the one to change things. Don't worry about understanding it. It is what it is. Worry about all that later after you are out.

dollydo

This is a real crummy situation, he holds all the power, and, there really is no way to stop him. If in fact you can figure out how to get out of there, and, get an attorney, things can change for the better. The question is how? I wish I had the answer, but, I do not, all I can do offer is support.

Sorry about all of this.

Chino

For a long time, even when I got answers, I still didn't accept them because I didn't emotionally understand. The emotional answers were so far out of my reality, that I tried even harder to understand. That's a reflection of my obsessive/addictive nature and all it did was hook me deeper, keep me from finding solutions for myself. I finally came to a place where I had to accept and let go, or be dragged down further.

tjp613

Please call the phone number I provided before -- they can help you. 1.888.411.1333

peanut21

dollydo: I do have an attorney and she has told me to try and stay put until I get some kind of decision on my disability claim since I have no income to speak of. She is willing to do my divorce for free when the time is right but tells me that I should stay for now. I have told her what is going on as she is also my attorney for my disability claim and at one time I worked for her until my disability became to much. I am trying to put some kind of plan together and plan to call some of the numbers and information that yall have given me on Monday when he is not here to see if there is a way to get out before then.
I am tired of feeling hopless and helpless. I have explained this to my attorney also and she is very understanding but also wants to make sure the kids and I have some place to live. She has said unless I feel that I am physically in danger or the kids are physically in danger to try to stay. Doing the waiting game I guess. The only thing is it could still be months before the disability office will hear my case and I don't think I can hold out that long.

peanut21

tjp613: I fully intend to call that number on Monday along with the numbers that hello-kitty gave me. I need to do that while he is not here.

Thank you all for listening and the wonderful advice.

peanut21

He slept most of the day away again till about 4 and then goes out all hours of the night. When he talks to me it is to tell me what I am doing wrong. Why am I such a B**** and why can't we just not talk. Can't we just sit together and let him do what he wants. Why can't I just accept him for who he is? This is just crazy.

I know I have posted a lot just trying to vent I guess. Between this and writting in my journal it helps some. Thanks for listening.

Hurtbad2505

How are you doing today Peanut? Hope you get a chance to call some of those numbers and get the ball rolling on removing yourself from his control. I'm just curious about something...if he is on Home Incarceration, how in the world does he go out till all hours of the night? My son is on 'House Arrest" also and has to wear an electronic ankle braclet and get drug tested weekly? It's only a matter of time before his PO does violate him or he gets himself into more trouble, please be aggressive in planning how you and your children will get along without his income. Let us know how it is going. Praying for you