Squishyboots

There is nothing like a child's love, nothing. I was incomplete before I started having children at the ripe ole age of 37. My daughter is now 3 1/2, that magical age where they can push all your buttons with just a look and the word "no". Motherhood has been the best and worst thing for me. It saved me from all my addictions except I started drinking. Trying to handle the pressure of a full time job, full time school and two toddlers and a husband that I don't always get a long with was just too much. Vodka filled the void and calmed the world. Until last night.

I spanked my daughter last night, I had had enough of the attitude for one day and I lost it. I ran out of the room and came back after 15 minutes. She was calm and I was the one crying. I sat on her bed and cried and appologized for 20 minutes. My sweet baby looked up at me, put her hand on my cheek and told me not to cry. I love you mommy, don't cry, its ok. At this moment I know enough is enough and after she went to bed that's when I made my first post last night.

One foot in front of the other, I must keep going. All I can see is her sweet face looking at me with pity. How do you live with that?

Kjell

Hi SB-

I needed help with the "living with that" kind-of-stuff.

Another benefit of working all 12 steps of AA. It covers it all.

Kjell~

findingthepath

I can relate to that, I am quick to lose my temper, either because I'm drunk or hungover usually. And stone cold sober I fly off the handle to easily. But it is the beauty of a child's love, and a mother's love for her child. Nothing can break it. Good luck, you are not alone.

Jabbadabutt

I turned to vodka to "help me" too. It took awhile to figure out that it did just the opposite. Time to get help. Welcome to the boards.

leo21

I'm not an AAer but I 100% agree w/Kjell. Those 12 steps in AA or other similar step programs will help matters~~not complicate them. At least that's what I believe. Don't forget that being all boozed up makes us think, say and do things that otherwise we wouldn't in a sober state.

I've acted like an ass more than I can count~~were you actively drinking when this happened? Or had you already quit?

As for me, I can share that the first month or so I was more snappy and could get irritated at the smallest matters. In order to combat that, I had to realize that I was simply going thru my withdrawal period, my grief at the thought of losing alcohol, having to deal with life like most other people, and confront that negativity with recognizing it for what it is and taking a step back. I'm so glad that stuff is over for me cause I'm normally a very laid back guy and quiet. lol I hope that helps!

Peter G

You are asking how do you live with that? I'm in tears reading it because it's just so damned beautiful. You live with that because what you may not see from the circumstance itself, the hand of God was on your cheek last night. You and your child were present sure, but there was something completely divine in that room with you as well. 100% pure and total love.

Accept it, be grateful for it, hell be thankful for having experienced that, but whatever you do, don't be ashamed in the least. We are fallible beings, incapable of perfection. You did nothing more than prove that point, so welcome to the club of the rest of us.

Our mistakes are necessary, they are what brings us to know the right way deep down. Thankfully you had an angel there to tell you it's OK to mess up once in a while.

And BTW, welcome

Squishyboots

Thank you binder - I cried writing that as well and reading your post. I've been crying for two days now, but I know that's part of the gig. We move on and thank god children are so unconditional and forgiving. Thank you for your support, this will be a tough road...

Anna

You learn, you move on, you accept that being a Mother is fraught with problems and blessings and you do your best.

My all-time favourite quote from the amazing Maya Angelou: “I did then what I knew how to do, And when I knew better, I did better.”

Squishyboots

That was priceless Dark - thank you...

Dee74

I can't really say it any better than Anna did, squishyboots

I did a lot of things in my past I regret...but ultimately they all led me to where I am today...and today's the day we should try and focus on, cos it's the only day we can do anything about

D

Latte

I cannot undo the things I've done. All I can do is do better, ask for help when I need it and work the program of AA.

I'm glad you are here. I hope you continue to post. You are not alone.

Squishyboots

You guys are all wonderful....

ANEWAUGUST

I know all too well the awful feeling in the pit of your stomach you are describing. I too lost my patience either while drinking, or hungover. It was a vicious cycle.

Not much to add to all that has been shared with you except this.

Your child is so young, that you have an opportunity now to be a sober parent. She will never know the struggles you are going thru right now. She will just know the wonderful mother and woman you can become in sobriety.

It is a priceless gift to give your child....

sunshinebaby

I know how you feel...but we pick ourselves up and move on and try to do better...I just posted about my mini tantrum last night in front of my kids..

The wouldn't listen to me, they wouldn't do what I was asking them to do..I had had 2 glasses of wine..if I had not, I would have calmly gotten them to listen and all would have been well.

Instead I smashed the two tv remotes into the ground..I threw them..pieces went everywhere, I was so aggressive and frustrated..they just looked up at me and went to bed.

How crap is that.....they don't deserve that....if I was sober it wouldn't have happened..

Hey sorry to hijack your thread but I wanted to say that I understand xoxoxox

Squishyboots

Thank you so much sor sharing. You and I can do this...

FT

Hi Squishy,

Good on ya for recognizing a violent streak in yourself and calling yourself out on it. It isn't too late to end the madness before it can take a foothold in your life.

I am a 59 year old child of a violent father, whose rage I still remember from my earliest childhood memories. Children may be resilient to a point, but they never forget a violent parent. She's too young to remember this one violent outburst -- probably. You can't and won't know that, but you caught yourself. That's huge.

So, give yourself some credit for what you are doing.

FT

mmh364

Welcome! Many of us have experienced that gut-wrenching episode that you went thru with your baby.... It is a horrible experience but you sound like a wonderful mother who will be taking the steps to be the type of mom that you want to be and that your baby deserves. I know from personal experience that i got tired of being a drunken excuse of a mom and changed my life for the better on 1/1/11. Life has never been better.... Wishing you the best!

SSIL75

I have small kids, too and still have terrible guilt and regret over my ****** parenting.

I feel very grateful that I quit drinking when they were relatively young. But what damage did I do in those formative years? (my oldest was 4 when I quit).

And when I quit drinking I realized how poorly developed I am all round. Lacking all kinds of basic skills.

But you know what? It gets better every day. And I feel blessed to live life very consciously now. And I am blessed to have a tiny baby again. Experiencing all that chaos, sober is beautiful. It pains me that I drank my way through this twice before.

Don't give up!

Zebra1275

I don't have much to add, you've beat yourself up pretty good over this, and if it can be a turning point in your life, then something positive can come of it.

Kids are pretty resilient, forgiving and at 3 1/2 she is not going to remember this. But I'm sure you will never forget it.

Squishyboots

Thank you everyone - although no words will erase how I feel, maybe that's a good thing. All I can do is move forward. Both her and her brother are my life. Thank you for your support.