Wife2anaddict

My biggest problem as a codependent is my inability to trust myself and make decisions. I second guess virtually every decision I make and I am the person who can’t decide between Gold Medal and Pillsbury flour. While RAH was away in treatment, it was the first time I took a long hard look at my own issues. When he left, I was relieved b/c HE was getting treatment. This was, after all, his problem right? Well, IDK what prompted me to post on SR, but it certainly got my brain moving. Per the recommendations of most everyone, I read Co-Dependent No More—twice. I already consider the book life changing even though it’s only been about 2 months. I identified immediately with the very first character’s story, Jessica-I think? The first time I thought the book was a little hard on us codies. The second time, I was accepting of the harsh realities I was being faced with. I was able to look long and hard about the relationship with my father (an addict, go figure) and my mother (a codie herself). My choices in every area of my life from my job, to my education to my relationship with RAH, all have some codependent component to them. I have rescued, manipulated, begged, pleaded, screamed and yelled to control situations and others. Daily, I have read many, many posts here on SR, and each one provides me with insight on some level. I truly love reading people’s responses and getting an “AHA” out of them. It happens often. This self-discovery journey, while very short so far, has been uplifting, revealing, depressing and shocking and a whole other host of other conflicting emotions. The detaching was easy. It was pretty much involuntary since he was 3 hrs. away, but I didn’t check phone records, didn’t call his sister for the updates (who lives right by the facility and visited him often) and even had to detatch from the sister b/c she was being heavily codependent as well. I really felt, I can live without this man. I think I could divorce him and be OK. Well towards the end of his treatment (about 6-7 weeks), things were wearing on me. I didn’t really miss him, but I was all alone in caring for the kids (1 and 4). No friends or family really here to help and not much time to do things for myself (other than after kids’ bedtime). Every free moment was spent entertaining the kids and doing their activities, which is lovely, but not something I didn’t need an occasional break from. Once he came back to town, I was honestly relieved that I could simply go to the grocery store by myself in peace. I held up some pretty good boundaries ( I think). I did not allow him to come back to our home. He is in a Sober Living Environment. I kept my mouth shut when he would come visit. Listened more, talked less. Kept away from the phone records and even separated our bank accounts. Days go by and I don’t know what he’s doing, who he’s with, and I’m 100% ok with it. I do not suspect he is using. He’s doing what he needs to do, as I (try to) continue to worry about myself. I did give him a drug screen when he wanted to take the kids to church last Sunday. I know many of you think this is codie, but I am not willing to guess or accuse on this one when he’s visiting w/ the kids. So everything up to this point, I am happy with. I feel like I’m doing the right thing. The problem is, we get into an argument about money. His short term disability check is only 75% of his regular salary, and he is in need of some extra money to pay rent, buy a small car (we share one right now) get insurance—just regular stuff when you are trying to get things started on your own. He thinks I spent too much money while he was gone, that there should be plenty for him to do what he needs/wants to do. I think the amount of money I spent was reasonable, considering I sent him $60-90 each week as well as a carton of cigarettes weekly. So, of course this isn’t REALLY the issue of the fight. It turns into blaming, arguing, persecuting, belittling, the whole codie/addict way of arguing. I threaten to put the nail in the coffin on the divorce b/c I can’t possibly live w/ someone who treats me like this and has done A. B. and C. to me in the past. He tells me it’s easy to put the microscope on him and his character defects and not look in the mirror. Do you see where this argument is going? So here is my dilemma. I realize that we are both in “early recovery” I expected to slip back into codie mode at least some, and I also knew to expect a raw, emotional addict to return from treatment. After this fight, I went to a CodA meeting, continued to read, read read and here I am trying to post. At what point do I say enough is enough? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am expecting things to not be perfect, but here I go again, not following through with the divorce threats, hoping THIS time will be different. The problem is, my GUT(!) tells me this time IS different. I believe my RAH is working on himself like never before. He has been setting his own appointments (like a normal adult), going to two meetings a day, intense step work, meditation, church, spending time with other RA’s on his own. I know this b/c he told me –not because I asked. My RAH has had long periods of recovery in the past, so I can tell when he is serious about it. I hate what he’s done to me, and I don’t know if I can get past it. I don’t want to bring the past up everytime we argue. At the same time, if we both indeed work programs, I believe we can be a happy, healthy family. I just don’t know if I’m fooling myself. So many of you have been there. Do you have any words of wisdom?

lyssabee

The first thing I would do, if I were you (and I was you! except with one kid instead of two) is stop giving him money. To me, disentangling the finances from the rest of it made it possible for me to deal with figuring out what everything else should look like. Either you're going to get divorced in which case you will need separate accounts, or you won't in which case you can decide to merge them later one.

Three+ years later, after recovery, we still have separate bank accounts and that is never going to change.

Wife2anaddict

The finances have been separated.

ksumm77

What I was told by my counselor last night is that I have to set boundaries by focusing on the behavior that I am not willing to accept from my AH. Once I have figured out what those boundaries are, I need to talk to my AH and tell him these are my boundaries and this is what is going to happen if he crosses those boundaries. Then... I have to try to stick to what I said if he crosses those boundaries. Knowing where I am in my recovery, I cannot set the boundaries too high because I know I won't follow through with them. I have to be willing to set a boundary and take action if it's crossed.

hello-kitty

I say, when in doubt decide what the NEXT WISE THING is to do, and then do that.

One step at a time. Make wise choices. Can't go wrong. No regrets.

lyssabee

Sorry - I thought you said you were still giving him/considering giving him money. In that case, what hello-kitty said

splendra

These are my best tid bits of advise that I would give anyone in your situation:

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1. ake ennie tennie baby steps one step at a time away from what he is doing and towards what you want for your self.
   
2. Keep the focus on your self not him.
   
3. Say the serenity prayer over and over until you know that you are not in control but God is especially when you are mad or confused or stressed.

I used to gauge trips in the car on how many times I could say the Lord's Prayer before I got where I was going too.