Day 4/Anxiety about the future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 8
Day 4/Anxiety about the future
Hi
My name is Sarah. I'm 30 and I've been continuously drinking heavier and heavier since age 12. This last year has been the hardest. Drinking used to be fun, but now it has become a necessity for me just to manage my insomnia and anxiety. I even half-jokingly began referring to wine as "sleep juice" to my friends, laughing it off, so they would never know the severity of it all. So now, after 18(!!) years of drinking regularly and heavily I try to remember what I was like before I started. I was a child! I was getting straight A's, loved sports and playing pretend, had sweet harmless crushes on boys. After the drinking began my grades plummeted, I didnt really care about anything but getting ****** up, I started having sex and grew up way too quickly. I guess to really start over and heal from all this I have to go back to that child and pick up from there. God I have a lot of growing to do!
So now I'm on day 4 and I really have no desire to drink. It has actually become a phobia for me. I fear losing control again, losing myself, ending up in an institution and not knowing my name. My wake up call was 4 days ago when I hit "rock bottom". I drank 2 bottles of wine and my roommate came home to find me passed out in my own vomit on her white couch. Not only scary, but embarassing beyond belief because I recently moved in with her and she had no idea of my problem, and I ruined her beautiful furniture. That was it. I havent started support programs and this site has been the extent of my reaching out. But hearing others stories has inspired me to tell my own. Here's to day 5. I'm hopeful and thankful for the air in my lungs today.
My name is Sarah. I'm 30 and I've been continuously drinking heavier and heavier since age 12. This last year has been the hardest. Drinking used to be fun, but now it has become a necessity for me just to manage my insomnia and anxiety. I even half-jokingly began referring to wine as "sleep juice" to my friends, laughing it off, so they would never know the severity of it all. So now, after 18(!!) years of drinking regularly and heavily I try to remember what I was like before I started. I was a child! I was getting straight A's, loved sports and playing pretend, had sweet harmless crushes on boys. After the drinking began my grades plummeted, I didnt really care about anything but getting ****** up, I started having sex and grew up way too quickly. I guess to really start over and heal from all this I have to go back to that child and pick up from there. God I have a lot of growing to do!
So now I'm on day 4 and I really have no desire to drink. It has actually become a phobia for me. I fear losing control again, losing myself, ending up in an institution and not knowing my name. My wake up call was 4 days ago when I hit "rock bottom". I drank 2 bottles of wine and my roommate came home to find me passed out in my own vomit on her white couch. Not only scary, but embarassing beyond belief because I recently moved in with her and she had no idea of my problem, and I ruined her beautiful furniture. That was it. I havent started support programs and this site has been the extent of my reaching out. But hearing others stories has inspired me to tell my own. Here's to day 5. I'm hopeful and thankful for the air in my lungs today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Welcome Sarah. I know what it feels like to be in that place, both on the inside and with a new roommate situation going sour in the first few days...
It's getting late and I've got to get to bed but please read around the site and I would strongly suggest you look into a real life support group of some sort. I've found SR and AA to be a solid combination for my recovery.
Life doesn't have to be this way and resolve tends to be strong immediately following a horrible situation such as the one you've described with the new roommate situation but my past experience is that it will soon fade unless a really big 'recovery net' has been cast out...
Keep posting and reading. Good night and again, welcome!
It's getting late and I've got to get to bed but please read around the site and I would strongly suggest you look into a real life support group of some sort. I've found SR and AA to be a solid combination for my recovery.
Life doesn't have to be this way and resolve tends to be strong immediately following a horrible situation such as the one you've described with the new roommate situation but my past experience is that it will soon fade unless a really big 'recovery net' has been cast out...
Keep posting and reading. Good night and again, welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Welcome to SR, Sarah. I do know how you feel..that awful (but strangely freeing) feeling of your own rock bottom. Never lose sight of it - writing it out here is all you need so you can come back to it when the memory starts to fade.
It's what you choose to do with your rock bottom now that counts. Keep reading and posting, and I wish you well.
It's what you choose to do with your rock bottom now that counts. Keep reading and posting, and I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 377
Hey hey! Glad you decided to quit! Life only gets better from here on out with that decision you have just made.
If I could offer any advice, I would say come to this website as much as possible. Read others post, and post your thoughts. It has really helped me on my journey so far. I've almost have 2 months sober, and coming here has really helped keep my motivation strong!!
Welcome to SR
-Ryan
If I could offer any advice, I would say come to this website as much as possible. Read others post, and post your thoughts. It has really helped me on my journey so far. I've almost have 2 months sober, and coming here has really helped keep my motivation strong!!
Welcome to SR
-Ryan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement! I feel strong. I slept like crap last night but my heart is lifted knowing that today I won't drink. I would suggest yoga to everyone out there struggling. It forces me to focus on the here and now and each breath I take, instead of worrying about the future and the what ifs. I do it at home with a DVD instead of classes. Its much more affordable and you can go at your own pace. Give it a try!! I promise you won't be disappointed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Sarah, I would suggest you visiting your doctor and talking about this problem and any other you might have. Probably you will need also some support: friends or trusted persons or support groups. It is very important to vent out problems. Otherwise, chances of relapsing are much higher. Dont blame yourself. You have a disease, the same disease as all of us: alcoholism. Blaming yourself is useless and counterproductive. Drink a lot of water and eat healthy food. Relaxation is very important too. Yoga is good for that. A hot bath also works. May be you will have some sleeping problems or mood swings. They will pass... Keep sober. Try new healthy activities: yoga, reading, music, hobbies... Talk with your friends, dont isolate. And keep posting, please.
Sorry, my english is quite poor.
Sorry, my english is quite poor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 8
Mariano
I have been seeing a doctor. A therapist actually. Today was my first session and I am so hopeful and even though I feel awful, she made me feel like I have a future. Something I haven't felt for awhile. I unfortunately can't afford a DR's visit, and I know I should have some blood work done to see how damaged my liver actually is. But thankyou for the kind words. Everytime someone responds to me it lifts my heart a little.
I have been seeing a doctor. A therapist actually. Today was my first session and I am so hopeful and even though I feel awful, she made me feel like I have a future. Something I haven't felt for awhile. I unfortunately can't afford a DR's visit, and I know I should have some blood work done to see how damaged my liver actually is. But thankyou for the kind words. Everytime someone responds to me it lifts my heart a little.
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