First post. Goodbye Mr. Cuervo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 69
First post. Goodbye Mr. Cuervo
I'm a single father. I have my son full time, and my ex is more or less out of the picture.
My father died 16 years ago from Alcoholism. I was 16, and swore I would never touch a drop of alcohol. A number of emotional journeys led me to join the Mormon Church at the age of 18. I have to admit that part of the attraction was it's abstinence from alcohol and drugs. Not only did I not WANT to drink, but now I "couldn't" drink.
I served a Mormon mission, came home 2 years later, and eventually was married. The marriage quickly crumbled, not due to drinking, but due to my loss of faith. We divorced a year after we married.
After I left Mormonism I drank a beer here or a beer there. It was never to the point of abuse, and honestly was motivated more out of the "forbidden fruit" aspect than anything else.
I eventually met someone out of state. We started talking regularly, and eventually I moved to Utah to live with her. The irony of a former Mormon moving to Utah is not lost on me.
I didn't fully realize (or accept) it at the time, but I married an alcoholic. A borderline-personality alcoholic. Us children of alcoholics are often attracted to what is familiar.
We were married some time after that and spent a great 2 years together. During this time I was first introduced to real adult "parties." I had never done the college frat thing, or the party scene being as how I was on my Mormon mission and very devout. I still kept alcohol at a very minimum as I never wanted to be like my dad. My ex was quit the opposite, often times the life of the party and full of infinite stories about drinking in other countries (she's military), endless "classified" stories about things she experienced in the military, knowledge of exotic drinks, and was just as sexy as all can be. Everyone wanted to be her, or be with her. I was lucky.
The marriage continued happily, which led us to adopt our child out of foster care.
About that time the stress of being new parents affected both of us differently. She became more distant. I was stressed as I worked at home and became a full time stay-at-home dad. She would come home and need time to herself. I became paranoid. Why was she giving me the full burden of our child while she talked on the phone with her friends for 3 hours a night?
My paranoia led to me taking Paxil, which just made it worse. I stopped the Paxil, but at her insistence had a few drinks to loosen up. I did, and it worked.
The adoption was final and our little family was finally official. She had to travel out of state for a work deployment. I couldn't know much about it because it was "classifed." By now she had convinced me she was actually a CIA operative. Love makes people believe dumb things sometimes.
After her week away, she wanted a divorce. With the illusion that things could be repaired, I started taking Prozac (depression runs in my family) and drinking more to handle the nerves.
A few weeks go by and she admits she doesn't want to fix it. She wants out. She moves into my basement for a while, but we still regularly drink together. It was really the only way we could bond together and not be hostile.
A few months later she moved across the country to be with her new boyfriend.
I continued drinking, but moderately. I didn't drink every night, but I started to slowly drink more and more. Drinking made me forget the heartache, the inability to understand what happened to us, and to loosen me up so I could date.
I started drinking like a rockstar and dating a lot. I'd usually be dating 3-4 women at a time, and alcohol made it so much easier.
Flash forward about a year, and I learned the whole truth. She had been cheating on me while we were married, and the "trip" out of state was her spending a week with her new boyfriend. She had been talking with him on the phone for weeks every night. I also learned about her other lies, including (but not limited to) her fabricated childhood, her non-existant stillborn babies from her first marriage, and of course all of her CIA stories.
The wound was reopened, and since my son was living with me at the time, I fought for custody and won.
Life continued on with this wound wide open. I would notice my drinking was a problem every so often, and stop, only to start again a few weeks later, or a few days later. It seems I always had an excuse, whether it was stress, or a date, or just not being able to handle my anxiety about what she put me through.
I was drinking about 1/2 a fifth every night of Tequila. While I used to throw up after 3 glasses of wine, I could now handle two bottles if I needed to. The pattern would continue. I knew I needed to stop, but not "right now." I'll do that later.
Throw a court case into the mix of her trying to get custody, and the stress continued. She was doing worse than me though, having a DUI, a number of totaled cars, and as her boyfriend described it, "a mini-bottle graveyard" in her backseat.
At least I drank at home, alone.... I'm responsible. Or so I told myself.
passing out drunk, not being able to get my son ready for bed, waking up right before school started. It was starting to concern me, so I would pull back my drinking again.
Only beer and wine. I can do that.
Oh, and some tequila, or that cheap Vodka. You can get it for $12 for almost 2 liters... can't pass up that deal. The next thing you know I'm right back in the same pattern as before. 1/2 a fifth a night. A fifth a day (or more) on the weekends.
At one point I had asked a doctor for Naltrexone, which worked in that every opiate was blocked. NOTHING gave me pleasure. Sugar, caffeine, alcohol... nothing. LIfe was even more depressing and I couldn't stand how disconnected I felt on the drug. I decided to quit the drug and try on my own again.
Old habits die hard, and Mr. Cuervo is always there to keep you company.
Then on Sunday, Father's Day, something happened. I was sitting around drunk at home watching episodes of Intervention. I saw an episode which tore me apart about an alcoholic father who lost his family and job due to drinking. He refused treatment, convinced he could do it on his own. He finally agreed.
He spent 80 days in rehab before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer (from his drinking). He went back home to spend time with his family and get cancer treatment. He died 3 weeks afterwards.
Tears poured down my face. I had memories of my father dieing, and I remembered how I swore to never be an alcoholic. Now I look at my little boy and realized that the pattern had come full circle.
I poured out my bottle, and decided that Monday was my first day sober. I got my dad's BB Book out of the basement, and read the beginning.
This wasn't the first time I've poured the bottle down the drain, but it needs to be the last.
On Monday I contacted a friend who had been through AA, and I told her I was sick of it and can't do it alone. I told her that I needed help. Tomorrow night is my first meeting.
Today is my forth day sober, and the withdrawls suck. I drink a ton of coffee, and even started smoking again to take the edge off.... I hate smoking, but for now it'll do. I've quit smoking before, and that's cakewalk compared to drinking.
I look forward to hearing your stories, and having a place to talk to people when I need a reminder that this is not only possible, but will get better.
My father died 16 years ago from Alcoholism. I was 16, and swore I would never touch a drop of alcohol. A number of emotional journeys led me to join the Mormon Church at the age of 18. I have to admit that part of the attraction was it's abstinence from alcohol and drugs. Not only did I not WANT to drink, but now I "couldn't" drink.
I served a Mormon mission, came home 2 years later, and eventually was married. The marriage quickly crumbled, not due to drinking, but due to my loss of faith. We divorced a year after we married.
After I left Mormonism I drank a beer here or a beer there. It was never to the point of abuse, and honestly was motivated more out of the "forbidden fruit" aspect than anything else.
I eventually met someone out of state. We started talking regularly, and eventually I moved to Utah to live with her. The irony of a former Mormon moving to Utah is not lost on me.
I didn't fully realize (or accept) it at the time, but I married an alcoholic. A borderline-personality alcoholic. Us children of alcoholics are often attracted to what is familiar.
We were married some time after that and spent a great 2 years together. During this time I was first introduced to real adult "parties." I had never done the college frat thing, or the party scene being as how I was on my Mormon mission and very devout. I still kept alcohol at a very minimum as I never wanted to be like my dad. My ex was quit the opposite, often times the life of the party and full of infinite stories about drinking in other countries (she's military), endless "classified" stories about things she experienced in the military, knowledge of exotic drinks, and was just as sexy as all can be. Everyone wanted to be her, or be with her. I was lucky.
The marriage continued happily, which led us to adopt our child out of foster care.
About that time the stress of being new parents affected both of us differently. She became more distant. I was stressed as I worked at home and became a full time stay-at-home dad. She would come home and need time to herself. I became paranoid. Why was she giving me the full burden of our child while she talked on the phone with her friends for 3 hours a night?
My paranoia led to me taking Paxil, which just made it worse. I stopped the Paxil, but at her insistence had a few drinks to loosen up. I did, and it worked.
The adoption was final and our little family was finally official. She had to travel out of state for a work deployment. I couldn't know much about it because it was "classifed." By now she had convinced me she was actually a CIA operative. Love makes people believe dumb things sometimes.
After her week away, she wanted a divorce. With the illusion that things could be repaired, I started taking Prozac (depression runs in my family) and drinking more to handle the nerves.
A few weeks go by and she admits she doesn't want to fix it. She wants out. She moves into my basement for a while, but we still regularly drink together. It was really the only way we could bond together and not be hostile.
A few months later she moved across the country to be with her new boyfriend.
I continued drinking, but moderately. I didn't drink every night, but I started to slowly drink more and more. Drinking made me forget the heartache, the inability to understand what happened to us, and to loosen me up so I could date.
I started drinking like a rockstar and dating a lot. I'd usually be dating 3-4 women at a time, and alcohol made it so much easier.
Flash forward about a year, and I learned the whole truth. She had been cheating on me while we were married, and the "trip" out of state was her spending a week with her new boyfriend. She had been talking with him on the phone for weeks every night. I also learned about her other lies, including (but not limited to) her fabricated childhood, her non-existant stillborn babies from her first marriage, and of course all of her CIA stories.
The wound was reopened, and since my son was living with me at the time, I fought for custody and won.
Life continued on with this wound wide open. I would notice my drinking was a problem every so often, and stop, only to start again a few weeks later, or a few days later. It seems I always had an excuse, whether it was stress, or a date, or just not being able to handle my anxiety about what she put me through.
I was drinking about 1/2 a fifth every night of Tequila. While I used to throw up after 3 glasses of wine, I could now handle two bottles if I needed to. The pattern would continue. I knew I needed to stop, but not "right now." I'll do that later.
Throw a court case into the mix of her trying to get custody, and the stress continued. She was doing worse than me though, having a DUI, a number of totaled cars, and as her boyfriend described it, "a mini-bottle graveyard" in her backseat.
At least I drank at home, alone.... I'm responsible. Or so I told myself.
passing out drunk, not being able to get my son ready for bed, waking up right before school started. It was starting to concern me, so I would pull back my drinking again.
Only beer and wine. I can do that.
Oh, and some tequila, or that cheap Vodka. You can get it for $12 for almost 2 liters... can't pass up that deal. The next thing you know I'm right back in the same pattern as before. 1/2 a fifth a night. A fifth a day (or more) on the weekends.
At one point I had asked a doctor for Naltrexone, which worked in that every opiate was blocked. NOTHING gave me pleasure. Sugar, caffeine, alcohol... nothing. LIfe was even more depressing and I couldn't stand how disconnected I felt on the drug. I decided to quit the drug and try on my own again.
Old habits die hard, and Mr. Cuervo is always there to keep you company.
Then on Sunday, Father's Day, something happened. I was sitting around drunk at home watching episodes of Intervention. I saw an episode which tore me apart about an alcoholic father who lost his family and job due to drinking. He refused treatment, convinced he could do it on his own. He finally agreed.
He spent 80 days in rehab before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer (from his drinking). He went back home to spend time with his family and get cancer treatment. He died 3 weeks afterwards.
Tears poured down my face. I had memories of my father dieing, and I remembered how I swore to never be an alcoholic. Now I look at my little boy and realized that the pattern had come full circle.
I poured out my bottle, and decided that Monday was my first day sober. I got my dad's BB Book out of the basement, and read the beginning.
This wasn't the first time I've poured the bottle down the drain, but it needs to be the last.
On Monday I contacted a friend who had been through AA, and I told her I was sick of it and can't do it alone. I told her that I needed help. Tomorrow night is my first meeting.
Today is my forth day sober, and the withdrawls suck. I drink a ton of coffee, and even started smoking again to take the edge off.... I hate smoking, but for now it'll do. I've quit smoking before, and that's cakewalk compared to drinking.
I look forward to hearing your stories, and having a place to talk to people when I need a reminder that this is not only possible, but will get better.
Last edited by GoodbyeJose; 06-23-2011 at 07:49 PM. Reason: typos
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, GJ,
You're in the right places--here at SR, and in AA.
I can't tell you what a wonderful gift you are giving yourself and your son. You can be happy and productive and a great dad again. As bad as you feel right now, there is a wonderful sober life ahead of you.
Hugs, keep comin' back!
You're in the right places--here at SR, and in AA.
I can't tell you what a wonderful gift you are giving yourself and your son. You can be happy and productive and a great dad again. As bad as you feel right now, there is a wonderful sober life ahead of you.
Hugs, keep comin' back!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I've been useing SR as a supplement to my local AA for 9years... and I find both resources vital for my continueing recovery...
Glad to know you will be doing the same....Welcome...
Blessings to you and your son
Glad to know you will be doing the same....Welcome...
Blessings to you and your son
Who Farted?
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 67
Hi boss, you are making a very wise decision. I had to comment, I saw the same episode (watched it a few times) and had the same reaction...I have kids and there's no way I'm doing that to them. Puts the illness into real perspective. Good luck with the meeting, read the book, esp doctors opinion, and put effort into the program....things will get better.
Take care.
T
Take care.
T
You've made a wise decision in quitting drinking.Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: ms
Posts: 22
you have been through so much, I am a single mom (boys dad passed away) and while i was drinking I missed out on so much, the todo list waited till the next day then the next day,, being sobor look how much more you accomplish in one day.. esp with your son,,,, good luck and welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 65
Welcome to SR, really good to hear your story. I can relate to some of what you wrote, especially the drinking to evade feelings of heartache over a broken relationship. Good luck in your sobriety and stay strong...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
hi Goodbye!
I told myself the same thing.
come to find out it was the least responsible thing I could do.... drinking in front of my children. The two people who mean the most to me.
My parents were alcoholics as well, I told myself as a kid that I would NEVER be like them, yet here I am. Sober 2 days.
Nice work on 4 days!
I told myself the same thing.
At least I drank at home, alone.... I'm responsible. Or so I told myself.
My parents were alcoholics as well, I told myself as a kid that I would NEVER be like them, yet here I am. Sober 2 days.
Nice work on 4 days!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by bblackbirdflyy 
hi Goodbye!
I told myself the same thing.
come to find out it was the least responsible thing I could do.... drinking in front of my children. The two people who mean the most to me.
My parents were alcoholics as well, I told myself as a kid that I would NEVER be like them, yet here I am. Sober 2 days.
Nice work on 4 days!
I told myself the same thing.
come to find out it was the least responsible thing I could do.... drinking in front of my children. The two people who mean the most to me.
My parents were alcoholics as well, I told myself as a kid that I would NEVER be like them, yet here I am. Sober 2 days.
Nice work on 4 days!
Hi Blackbird, I'm originally from the Quad Cities, so at least we're from the same gene pool!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Thanks for sharing your thoughtful story, GBJose. There are many inspirational people and stories here to help you - I know it has helped me in the past few weeks tremendously. Glad to see you on the Class of june 2011 board too!
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Hi GBJ,
I can really relate to your story. And like you said, the best thing you can do now is get out of your cave and be around sober people, even on days when that's the last thing you want to do. Glad you're here.
--Fenris.
I can really relate to your story. And like you said, the best thing you can do now is get out of your cave and be around sober people, even on days when that's the last thing you want to do. Glad you're here.
--Fenris.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 87
I remember that episode of Intervention. Just heartbreaking.
I'm glad you're on day four and are making the decision that this will be the last time you stop. I made that same decision yesterday and today is my day two. I can't remember the last time I made it to day three.
Best of luck to you.
I'm glad you're on day four and are making the decision that this will be the last time you stop. I made that same decision yesterday and today is my day two. I can't remember the last time I made it to day three.
Best of luck to you.
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