Limited drinking - does this ever work?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 19
Limited drinking - does this ever work?
Hello! I've been reading this forum for months now and finally felt up to posting. I have a question that I'm wondering if you all have experience with.
My AH recently had a bad episode (drank way too much, passed out on the floor, blacked out drunk). The day after, he was very apologetic and blah blah blah. I finally told him that I cannot live with things as they are any longer. I'm tired of these episodes. He said that he will never stop drinking because that means that the alcohol has "won" and he doesn't believe that he should let the alcohol "win", but he agreed that he will limit his consumption. As a side note, he admits that he has "problems" with alcohol at times but continues to say that he's not an alcoholic. Ha ha ha.
Anyway, he said that he will only drink on weekends now. This recent episode was 2 weeks ago. Last week, he drank only on Saturday. We're coming up on another weekend now and I expect he'll go buy alcohol for the weekend again. Part of his "agreement" was that he'd only buy a small amount, drink it all on the weekend, and then not have anything in the house during the week. As far as I know, he's been honest about that. I haven't searched hiding places or anything but I haven't seen any evidence that he's hiding it or drinking on a weekday.
This is so frustrating in part because he is not an angry/abusive drunk at all. He just gets drunk, tearful, depressed, sullen, and miserable to be around and then he passes out. If he was abusive to me it would be easy for me to say that I was leaving and that was it. But he's just... sad. He refuses to go to AA because he maintains that he's not an alcoholic - he just likes to drink alcohol to relax and "let off the steam". It's all just excuses. Also, I am going to Al-Anon and have been for about 2 months now.
My question is - is it ever possible for an alcoholic to continue drinking in a controlled fashion like this ("only on the weekends"), or will there always be an inevitable slip back into daily drinking? I know alcoholism is a progressive disease but I wonder if there is a "type" of recovery that allows for once-a-week drinking? Or am I just being optimistic here? Thank you!
My AH recently had a bad episode (drank way too much, passed out on the floor, blacked out drunk). The day after, he was very apologetic and blah blah blah. I finally told him that I cannot live with things as they are any longer. I'm tired of these episodes. He said that he will never stop drinking because that means that the alcohol has "won" and he doesn't believe that he should let the alcohol "win", but he agreed that he will limit his consumption. As a side note, he admits that he has "problems" with alcohol at times but continues to say that he's not an alcoholic. Ha ha ha.
Anyway, he said that he will only drink on weekends now. This recent episode was 2 weeks ago. Last week, he drank only on Saturday. We're coming up on another weekend now and I expect he'll go buy alcohol for the weekend again. Part of his "agreement" was that he'd only buy a small amount, drink it all on the weekend, and then not have anything in the house during the week. As far as I know, he's been honest about that. I haven't searched hiding places or anything but I haven't seen any evidence that he's hiding it or drinking on a weekday.
This is so frustrating in part because he is not an angry/abusive drunk at all. He just gets drunk, tearful, depressed, sullen, and miserable to be around and then he passes out. If he was abusive to me it would be easy for me to say that I was leaving and that was it. But he's just... sad. He refuses to go to AA because he maintains that he's not an alcoholic - he just likes to drink alcohol to relax and "let off the steam". It's all just excuses. Also, I am going to Al-Anon and have been for about 2 months now.
My question is - is it ever possible for an alcoholic to continue drinking in a controlled fashion like this ("only on the weekends"), or will there always be an inevitable slip back into daily drinking? I know alcoholism is a progressive disease but I wonder if there is a "type" of recovery that allows for once-a-week drinking? Or am I just being optimistic here? Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: chicago, IL
Posts: 64
I am very green when it comes to knowledge of addiction, but this sounds dangerous. If he truly has a problem, it seems likely that he will eventually be looking for more, or during that weekend of using, he'll try to drink as much as possible to compensate. Or both.
Again, take that with a grain of salt, as I am new to this.
Again, take that with a grain of salt, as I am new to this.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I found a lot of answers to this very question in the Big Book of AA. I know there's an online link to the whole book...hmmm, let me see if I can find it.
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
No, not in my experience. They might be successful for a while, but in time it goes back to the same old same old. There is a thread in the alcoholics forum that was posted recently about this topic as well. Not sure how to link stuff though.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Ponder 
No, not in my experience. They might be successful for a while, but in time it goes back to the same old same old. There is a thread in the alcoholics forum that was posted recently about this topic as well. Not sure how to link stuff though.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
In my case, my wife agreed to only having 1 glass of wine, 3 times/week.
She never mentioned the vodka she drank before and after her "glass of wine".
I call hogwash.
Having rational, responsible, audit discussions about drinking with an Alcoholic is like buying dehydrated water. It will never make sense.
His sadness is there regardless of the booze. That's what he needs to address.
She never mentioned the vodka she drank before and after her "glass of wine".
I call hogwash.
Having rational, responsible, audit discussions about drinking with an Alcoholic is like buying dehydrated water. It will never make sense.
His sadness is there regardless of the booze. That's what he needs to address.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
Is this the one you wanted? I haven't read it yet.
Is this the one you wanted? I haven't read it yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: fl
Posts: 246
I second Jazzman this is my 3rd go around since joining sr in 09 & every time I thought I can handle a glass of wine guess what! I can not handle it because with in a few days im full on drinking a bottle a night so in my case NO way can I be a social drinker, I dont know an alcoholic that can !!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
We would love to believe that moderation is possible for alcoholics. I say "we" because obviously THEY would love to be able to have "a wee one" (as my AH calls it) now and then.
If I were to be perfectly honest, I would like to be able to go to a wine bar on a Friday night and have a glass or two and then go home.
I have not seen any evidence that someone who is alcoholic can drink moderately. Every now and then a moderation movement crops up. The founder of the last one I read about is in jail now because she killed someone driving drunk.
So, all these struggles with "OK, I'll only drink on the weekends," or "I'll only drink beer," or "I'll only drink at home" in fact sets the alcohol up to "win." I believe that rather than embarking in that endless struggle, fearful of the alcohol "winning," the alcoholic needs to surrender to that struggle by admitting they are powerless over it. (I didn't make that up by the way
)
If I were to be perfectly honest, I would like to be able to go to a wine bar on a Friday night and have a glass or two and then go home.
I have not seen any evidence that someone who is alcoholic can drink moderately. Every now and then a moderation movement crops up. The founder of the last one I read about is in jail now because she killed someone driving drunk.
So, all these struggles with "OK, I'll only drink on the weekends," or "I'll only drink beer," or "I'll only drink at home" in fact sets the alcohol up to "win." I believe that rather than embarking in that endless struggle, fearful of the alcohol "winning," the alcoholic needs to surrender to that struggle by admitting they are powerless over it. (I didn't make that up by the way
)
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by lem0nade
I just looked over there and found one called "Can I Learn To Control My Drinking" by pinkfirefly. Is that the one you're thinking of? (I can't link to it because this forum requires you to make 15 posts before you can make a link.)
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
RE: the post you're mentioning... please keep in mind that this is a post started by a member who has a long history 'here' (in the alcoholics forum) and many of the responses are in reference to that history.
But no. Alcoholics cannot moderate drinking, if they could.. they wouldn't be alcoholics. Non-alcoholics don't have a reason to 'moderate', because they do it naturally.
I'm an alcoholic. That's why I don't drink anymore. (among about 891756 other reasons).
He's bargaining. He's scared to quit. He's holding on to a thread, so that he can still drink, and it'll just progress because that's just what happens. I did it all.. only on weekends, only beer, only 3 drinks.. only Saturdays and Wednesdays.. ridiculous. All that was for was to get people off my ass about quitting, and to make it ok for me to keep drinking. I had lots of hidden liquor too, so 'cutting back' never bugged me any (as I was just drinking it all in private by that time).
Sorry, meant to add, not all alcoholics are daily drinkers. Lots are binge drinkers. It's not so much about the amount or frequency but the lack of control after one starts drinking, the why of it and so on. Alcoholism is fatal if left untreated.
But no. Alcoholics cannot moderate drinking, if they could.. they wouldn't be alcoholics. Non-alcoholics don't have a reason to 'moderate', because they do it naturally.
I'm an alcoholic. That's why I don't drink anymore. (among about 891756 other reasons).
He's bargaining. He's scared to quit. He's holding on to a thread, so that he can still drink, and it'll just progress because that's just what happens. I did it all.. only on weekends, only beer, only 3 drinks.. only Saturdays and Wednesdays.. ridiculous. All that was for was to get people off my ass about quitting, and to make it ok for me to keep drinking. I had lots of hidden liquor too, so 'cutting back' never bugged me any (as I was just drinking it all in private by that time).
Sorry, meant to add, not all alcoholics are daily drinkers. Lots are binge drinkers. It's not so much about the amount or frequency but the lack of control after one starts drinking, the why of it and so on. Alcoholism is fatal if left untreated.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Is this an isolated incident?
Has his drinking caused other problems in your marriage?
How do you feel about his promise? You live with him, as he ever made this promise, or one similar before, yet not been able to keep it?
My thought is that if you are posting here, that this probably wasn't the first time something like this has happened, and that alcohol has caused problems before.
Wether or not he is an alcoholic really isn't the issue.
How you feel about his drinking and how it affects you is.
Has his drinking caused other problems in your marriage?
How do you feel about his promise? You live with him, as he ever made this promise, or one similar before, yet not been able to keep it?
My thought is that if you are posting here, that this probably wasn't the first time something like this has happened, and that alcohol has caused problems before.
Wether or not he is an alcoholic really isn't the issue.
How you feel about his drinking and how it affects you is.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My experience in dealing with alcoholics tells me that it is not possible for them to control their drinking, if they could, they would not be alcoholics. I believe I am some kind of a self proclaimed expert in this area, as my mother has been an alcoholic for over 65 years, I have heard every story and promise known to man and the outcome has always been the same, it hasn't worked.
Going to Alanon meetings and reading others posts here will help you to understand this awful disease.
Going to Alanon meetings and reading others posts here will help you to understand this awful disease.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Alcoholics can't moderate. SOME people who situationally, or habitually, overdrink are not alcoholics and CAN learn to moderate their drinking.
I tried to do it for four and a half years before concluding I crossed that line and cannot ever drink normally again (I didn't drink alcoholically until I was in my 40s).
I think most alcoholics, before they are ready to quit for good, HAVE to at least attempt to moderate their drinking. It's part of the process to realize that the moderation approach won't work for YOU. Some people delude themselves longer than others. For me, it was four and a half years between trying to do "something" about my drinking and concluding I needed to quit for good. For some people it's a shorter period of time, for many people it takes years and years and years, and, of course, some people NEVER get there.
I tried to do it for four and a half years before concluding I crossed that line and cannot ever drink normally again (I didn't drink alcoholically until I was in my 40s).
I think most alcoholics, before they are ready to quit for good, HAVE to at least attempt to moderate their drinking. It's part of the process to realize that the moderation approach won't work for YOU. Some people delude themselves longer than others. For me, it was four and a half years between trying to do "something" about my drinking and concluding I needed to quit for good. For some people it's a shorter period of time, for many people it takes years and years and years, and, of course, some people NEVER get there.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
I can't tell you how many times my AH has made the same promise.
As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago he told me that from now on he is only going to drink "socially." I laughed it off because I knew what it meant...and I was so right.
Friday night - goes to our community beach and meets up with others...who socialize on the beach...socializing...social drinking.
Saturday nights - more times than not, there's something going on. And nothing goes on without drinking. But there's others around. Social. Drinking.
Sundays - another beach day. Social. Drinking.
Mondays and Tuesdays - he may make it through without a drink...if no one calls him up to meet up for a "social" drink.
Wednesday - visits his blind friend, to help him with paying bills, shopping, etc. This friend is a big beer drinker. So of course...social...drinking.
Thursday - lets see...tonight he's at a bachelor party for a friend of my son's...someone he has never met. I guess it's a social thing. Drinking.
Over and over, week after week. But I'm supposed to be so gratified and thankful that he's only a social drinker!
Drinking did not become a problem until 20+ years into our marriage. But since then, it's only gotten worse. Despite his convictions. Despite all the promises. He just can't do it. His promises are worthless. His word means nothing. He is an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do.
As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago he told me that from now on he is only going to drink "socially." I laughed it off because I knew what it meant...and I was so right.
Friday night - goes to our community beach and meets up with others...who socialize on the beach...socializing...social drinking.
Saturday nights - more times than not, there's something going on. And nothing goes on without drinking. But there's others around. Social. Drinking.
Sundays - another beach day. Social. Drinking.
Mondays and Tuesdays - he may make it through without a drink...if no one calls him up to meet up for a "social" drink.
Wednesday - visits his blind friend, to help him with paying bills, shopping, etc. This friend is a big beer drinker. So of course...social...drinking.
Thursday - lets see...tonight he's at a bachelor party for a friend of my son's...someone he has never met. I guess it's a social thing. Drinking.
Over and over, week after week. But I'm supposed to be so gratified and thankful that he's only a social drinker!
Drinking did not become a problem until 20+ years into our marriage. But since then, it's only gotten worse. Despite his convictions. Despite all the promises. He just can't do it. His promises are worthless. His word means nothing. He is an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
A real alcoholic can't limit their intake. We say we're powerless over alcohol (step one). That means once I pick up a drink I have no control over what happens ... if I have one or 50, go into a blackout, get into a car and kill someone. Non alcoholics can decide they're going to have one or two drinks and have no problem with stopping. Not alcoholics. (I'm a alcoholic in my 20th year of recovery, that's how I know this stuff)
Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease ... this isn't going to get better.
Love his excuse
Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease ... this isn't going to get better.
Love his excuse
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I've only ever known my ABF well enough for him to share his moderation trial. A failed trial, because, I don't know... something came up. I think it was because it was Tuesday. Something earth-shaking like that. Yeah.
Fortunately (?) this was long after I'd reached my own bottom-line for accepting unacceptable behavior, and had already moved out. I have not moved on, because I'm not ready.
He's not drinking, and tells his friends he's 'on the wagon' or 'off the sauce' - key phrases that signify a temporary situation to me. Plus, he's been drinking hard and steadily for 40 years, and 'not-drinking' for about a month.
That's my experience with moderated drinking. Thank you for asking such a specific question!
- Sylvie
Fortunately (?) this was long after I'd reached my own bottom-line for accepting unacceptable behavior, and had already moved out. I have not moved on, because I'm not ready.
He's not drinking, and tells his friends he's 'on the wagon' or 'off the sauce' - key phrases that signify a temporary situation to me. Plus, he's been drinking hard and steadily for 40 years, and 'not-drinking' for about a month.
That's my experience with moderated drinking. Thank you for asking such a specific question!
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I think that is one of the biggest lies alcoholics tell themselves. That they can control it. My AH was great about this. He had little rules he self imposed. No drinking til the weekend. Friday and Saturday. Then it became Sunday night too. Of course holidays are like weekends. And vacations are extended weekends. He thought he just did not have a problem because he did not drink every day. Eventually it wasn't about how much he drank or how often, it was about how bad he felt when he wasn't drinking. Progressive doesn't necessarily mean drinking more often.
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