if someone reminds you of your A parent??what to do??help please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
if someone reminds you of your A parent??what to do??help please
and their past abuse so you are overreacting to this person as if they were your A parent what can you do?
an example is my addict next door neighbor who helps me remember when i was a total victim to the excesses of my beered up loutish father who would sneer and chuck obscenities at me and help me feel worthless.
so now when im hearing my A neighbor i am pulled back into the feeling of being a helpless child. right now the A has music blasting which im trying to tune out. I cant knock and complain since the police have asked him to stay away from me after he threatened to kill me twice so me knocking on his door would be a double standard right?
there are no uk laws for noise in the day so i have to go out or deal with this and the A's yelps and music remind me of my A father when i was a boy.
and no i cant move not for a year at least. no means until then.
grats in advance kevin
an example is my addict next door neighbor who helps me remember when i was a total victim to the excesses of my beered up loutish father who would sneer and chuck obscenities at me and help me feel worthless.
so now when im hearing my A neighbor i am pulled back into the feeling of being a helpless child. right now the A has music blasting which im trying to tune out. I cant knock and complain since the police have asked him to stay away from me after he threatened to kill me twice so me knocking on his door would be a double standard right?
there are no uk laws for noise in the day so i have to go out or deal with this and the A's yelps and music remind me of my A father when i was a boy.
and no i cant move not for a year at least. no means until then.
grats in advance kevin
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I pull out my toolbox, use every recovery tool at my disposal, remember, it is not so much the circumstance you are involved in, it's how you handle it.
I know how to deal with my alcoholic mother. My bounderies are set in concrete. I have come across others like her, the same bounderies apply, I am in the drivers seat, they are not.
I know how to deal with my alcoholic mother. My bounderies are set in concrete. I have come across others like her, the same bounderies apply, I am in the drivers seat, they are not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
It's very difficult to not get sucked into those old reactions, especially if you haven't been able to heal from the original damage in the first place.
Think of it like a physical wound - if the wound has healed and there's only solid scar tissue left, it doesn't hurt if you poke it, right? But if the wound is still open and raw, it hurts like the dickens when you poke it.
Right now your wounds are still open. Therefore any behavior exhibited by others that seems like your dad's actions is going to hurt, and you're going to get sucked into it.
At this stage of your recovery, you're doing very well just to recognize that your reactions are due to your father's behavior, not necessarily the behavior or your neighbor (although the neighbor sounds like a real chump too). Since you're able to recognize it, you may find it helpful to say (out loud to yourself): "That is my neighbor, not my father. He has similar behavior patterns, but he is not my father. He can not do to me the things my father did to me. He does not have that much control over my life." In other words, reinforce that just because he's a jerk and has the same behaviors, he is still not your father and not responsible for the treatment you received at the hands of your father.
It won't make the "here and now" annoyance at his rather rude behaviors go away, but it will take some of the sting out of it.
Think of it like a physical wound - if the wound has healed and there's only solid scar tissue left, it doesn't hurt if you poke it, right? But if the wound is still open and raw, it hurts like the dickens when you poke it.
Right now your wounds are still open. Therefore any behavior exhibited by others that seems like your dad's actions is going to hurt, and you're going to get sucked into it.
At this stage of your recovery, you're doing very well just to recognize that your reactions are due to your father's behavior, not necessarily the behavior or your neighbor (although the neighbor sounds like a real chump too). Since you're able to recognize it, you may find it helpful to say (out loud to yourself): "That is my neighbor, not my father. He has similar behavior patterns, but he is not my father. He can not do to me the things my father did to me. He does not have that much control over my life." In other words, reinforce that just because he's a jerk and has the same behaviors, he is still not your father and not responsible for the treatment you received at the hands of your father.
It won't make the "here and now" annoyance at his rather rude behaviors go away, but it will take some of the sting out of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Thanks Ginger and Dolly.
I got to thinking that instead of being like my father this guy SHARED CERTAIN characteristics. For example being self centered [addict] and using fear as a method of getting his own way. Once i had begun thinking like this ...well the nutter fog lifted and i was able to see my neighbor as he was and quit projecting my fathers memories onto him
I got to thinking that instead of being like my father this guy SHARED CERTAIN characteristics. For example being self centered [addict] and using fear as a method of getting his own way. Once i had begun thinking like this ...well the nutter fog lifted and i was able to see my neighbor as he was and quit projecting my fathers memories onto him
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
