downperiscope

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been in recovery for over a year now. It’s sad to say but since I have quit drinking my husband (who I would have considered a social drinker) has picked up where I left off. He spends most of his time in the company of other drinkers. When I was drinking my husband and I were members of a fraternal organization. We used to go play pool on Monday nights. I was also an officer over the women. Little by little since I have been sober I really have no desire to go there. In the beginning they stated it was a family center but over time I realized that it was not much more than a bar. My husband still goes on Mondays to play pool. Now it’s also Tuesdays to play corn hole and Wednesdays is golf. Then on every other Fridays he likes to do Karaoke. I do go with him to Karaoke but it gets old too. I guess what I am trying to say is that in the beginning I was glad to know that I was not one of the sick ones still out in the thick of things drinking it up. But now I just feel that I would like to find some friends to socialize with that do not drink. We are going camping this weekend and our camper needed to be packed and he spent the last three nights at that place with his buds. I called him last night to let him know his brother was trying to get a hold of him and could not reach him so I called his friend he was golfing with. The guy was so drunk he could hardly talk. I could not believe that my husband and his other friend let that guy drive home drunk. I know I can not control people, places or things but I feel like I have had my limit. I try to remember that he tolerated me when I was drinking but he got to the point where he had enough with me. I guess I am just looking to see if there are others in my situation. Thanks

GettingBy

I too used to drink with my husband. We used to hang out at bars and ride our motorcycles all the time when we first dated and got married. I don't know if I was an alcoholic or not. I know that I was a binge drinker who made some really bad decisions. We started our family - so being pregnant forced me to stop drinking. (Turned out to be a big blessing for me!)

My AH still drinks - and does all those "wonderful" things you talked about. Going out to bars, not answering his phone, not taking care of things he's responsible for. It's frustrating to say the least.

Al-anon has been a life saver for me. It's helped me see where my responsibilities end and his start!

returntonormal

Hey DownPeriscope - I can completely relate to your story. My husband and I drank together for years. For a long time I considered us both social drinkers, but hit a point where I realized I had to quit. I've been sober for just over 10 months now and he's kept going. He's reduced his consumption periodically since I got sober, but even then I can see the addictive qualities in his drinking. He does not go a day without a drink, he gulps down the last of the wine, and really does always seem to want more. When he gets drunk he always has a "reason".

Anyway, I have reached a point where enough is enough and have told him that I can't stay married to him unless he quits. He has rejected the idea that he has a problem, that he needs to stop, and actually said that he doesn't think quitting will improve our marriage. I'm letting him go. It's just too difficult to continue as is.

Anyway - you definitely aren't alone!

Freedom1990

When I got out of rehab, I never went home. My EXAH had gone through rehab shortly before me, and was drinking whiskey and slamming dope the day that he got out.

Leaving him was one of the best decisions I ever made. Don't get me wrong. It was painful, but the pain was temporary.

Today I protect my recovery like the precious gift that it is.

Pelican

Welcome to the other side of the recover family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. You are among peers that understand.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also in recovery from a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic
I am also recovering from my need to fix/rescue/save everyone I meet, except myself!

I realized my alcoholic was attracted to socially intoxicated women. So I became one. My stop button was broken, however, and I lost control.

I finally reached a bottom with alcohol and got sober. I began my recovery and started attending Alanon. I too noticed my partner seemed to be rebelling against my recovery and spiralling faster and deeper into his own alcoholism.

I finally reached a bottom with living with unacceptable behavior.

I know I said and did some horrible things while under the influence of alcohol. I allowed my guilt to keep me in that relationship. He loved me inspite of x, y, z. , right? He must really love me.

What he loved was keeping everything the same as it ever was. As an alcoholic, he did not want his boat rocked, his cookie crumbled, his world turned upside down. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and have the appearance of a happy home life. One that included me paying his bills, cooking his meals, doing his laundry, etc..... I was the enabler!

I was also the provoker. I was the reason he had to drink away from the home. I was the reason he was stressed and needed a drink. I was the reason, I was the reason, I was the reason.

Yes, I was the reason. I was the reason I needed to be treated with respect, honesty, and as an equal partner in life. I was important and my life mattered. I learned I was not the reason for his poor choices.

Stick around, keep reading and posting. You will find support, information and wisdom as you travel your own path of recovery..

Cypress

Hi, RTN. Reading through your post, I realized that it could be me writing your (our) story. I too am on the path of sobriety (with lots of Day 1's over the past year) even though my best drinking partner was my husband. I can't remember a time when we weren't filling each other's glasses...until fairly recently. My husband's drinking behavior really was an eye opener to me once my fuzzy head cleared up from my own frequent booze buzz. I've found myself repulsed by the taste and smell of alcohol on his breath, and my pleadings that he at least slow down the alcohol consumption is met with verbal nastiness and sarcasm. He explains, "I was drinking all the time when you first met me." As if that's an acceptable justification. Sure, I get the usual apologies and professions of love in the tiny moments of his low blood-alcohol content. And yet, of course, I still love him...when he's not drunk. The continual pattern of it all just wears me out. It's tough for me to truly understand that there is nothing I can do or say to change his thoughts or behavior on drinking. He won't go to couples' counseling with me nor will he go to a therapist himself. The decision has to come from him alone, as mine did from me. I can't control him...I can only control my own actions. You're right, RTN, that it is so very difficult to handle. I do know that I need positive energy in my life and a break from the constant stress.

I wish you the best, RTN and DP.

TeM

I wonder if this is a common story? My wife and I were social drinkers for years, but she gradually came to love it more than I did. We would both drink beer at restaurants, or at cookouts... maybe an occasional mixed drink.

I never drank as much as she did, since I was usually the one driving. Somewhere along the way, she started drinking more heavily, and not just in social situations. On weekends, she would sit and watch baseball games all day and drink a 12 pack of beer. Then, she started drinking the hard stuff, and went straight downhill from there.

I totally gave up alcohol after I was diagnosed with diabetes, and really don't miss it. Now that I've seen what it's done to AW, I'll never touch it again.

returntonormal

Hi Cypress,
I know just how you feel. It's so hard to see the gifts sobriety has brought to me, know that it would help him too, and allow us to rebuild our marriage, but face the brick wall of denial. The more I talk about it, the more I see how many people share the experience.

I've only recently let go of the hope that he'd change, that there was something I could say or do to convince him. I'm letting go of the marriage so that I can stay focused on my own recovery.

Cypress

Thank you for posting your advice, returntonormal and Pelican. You've both given me much to consider.

wanttobehealthy

Your story/experience is familiar... I guess but for the grace of God I didn't become an alcoholic myself (though I certainly have a family history of it and have had my own share of eating disorder issues..). My AH and I were both (I thought) social drinkers and that formed the basis of any time we spent together for years before we were married and once we were married. Of course I know now (bc he told me) that he was never a social drinker. He would drink before he'd come meet me, down shots when I'd go to the bathroom and drink once I'd go home. I never knew this... Once my lifestyle changed and that drinking/going out wasn't appealing, it became apparant that AH's lifestyle and mine were dramatically different and it went downhill from there...

Your post is a really timely one for me and gave me a lot to think about-- thank you so much! I'm sorry you're experiencing you are with your spouse but I thank you for sharing...

ANEWAUGUST

Hi Downperiscope,

I totally understand exactly what you are saying.

I too am an alcoholic in recovery, 19 months this time, prior to that I had 5 years.

My husband still drinks, regularly but not daily.

We drank together for many years. Our social lives revolved around drinking. For a number of years I would say that he actually drank more then I....and then, in a blink of an eye I took the lead.

My recovery is dual, AA and Al-Anon. I literally have been surrounded by alcoholics my entire life.

Luckily, my sponsor is a wise and wonderful women who reminds me to take care of my recovery and leave my husband to God. I continue to work on my recovery, and our marriage is surviving and this is all an ongoing process.

I love him, and am able to detach, although truthfully it is not always with love. This is something I continue to work on.

Have you checked into Al-Anon at all?

LifeRecovery

I relate to so many of the comments on this post.

When I met my A I was in the beginning stages of Eating Disorder Recovery. I was very open about it and was really scared that my disorder and my recovery would mess up a chance for a normal relationship.

It was not until after we were married that I realized there was another disorder waging war in our relationship. It took me a number of years to not heap all the chaos of the relationship upon myself, and it was only through my own recovery work that I was able to come to terms with the situation and come out from the denial.

I attend open AA meetings to learn about alcohol addiction but Al-Anon meetings are for myself. My journey has helped me understand my family history of addictions, that all my A have their own HP watching out for them, and how important I am in my own life.

I am grateful that I started working on my own recovery before I realized all the other stuff....