surprised

Hello, I'm new to this sight, so please point me in the right direction!

I just found out that my new boyfriend of 3 months has a drinking problem. I found out by coming home and finding him passed out on the stairs. He'd actually gotten up and dressed to go to work. I found out he'd actually called in sick to work, changed, went fishing and drinking, then came back to my house, changed back into his work cloths to go home, so that everyone would think he had worked all day. He was so drunk he never made it out of my house.

At this point I've discovered he has a drinking problem, he attends AA daily and obiously has no problem lying about his "embarrassing" situation - embarrassing being his reason for not telling me sooner and lying about his meetings.

He really is a great guy and I know he loves me so much - he also treats me like a queen. However, I'm a smart girl and realize he hasn't even come to terms and accepted that he has a real problem. He just thinks he let it "get out of control" this time. He's also supplied the "it will never happen again" routine.

Knowing the reality is that this relationship is not likely to last in the long run, my quesiton is - how do I break up with him? He is not a bad, violent or abusive person, he really is a great guy, but this is not a good situation for me to be in. Is it possible to help him at all? Is it better to have a clean break or can we stay friends???

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you!!!

seekingcalm

I would break up with him, absolutely. You don't need this, it's only been 3 months, and he is in the throws of active alcoholism. Can't have a relationship with that.

You cannot help him in any way, and will only hurt yourself if you try.

In my experience, if you make it about him, he will manipulate and say anything you want to hear to get you back. I would keep it as brief as possible, I would not remain friends. I would close that door, and keep it closed.

kittykitty

Welcome to SR, glad you found us!

First of all i think it's amazing that you seem to realize already that this is something you do not want in your life, and are willing to get out early. I wish I was as strong as you are when I got involved with my ex. I spent a long time trying to make him see his problem, help him get better, wait for things to change, etc. So to answer one of your questions, there is not much you can do to help him. He has to want sobriety for himself, more than anything, for it to be real... and there is nothing we can do or say that will make things harder or easier on someone in recovery. It is his problem to deal with, and other than the support he can find in AA, he's on his own.

When I left my ABF (alcoholic boyfriend), I had to completely break it off and go what we call "no contact". No emails, phone calls, visits, texts, nothing. He would send them, but i trained myself not to read them. He was very good at convincing me each time would be different, things are going to change, i promise it won't happen again, can't do it without you, blah blah blah. It took me three times to finally leave him, and the NC is what did it, because he couldn't use my emotions, compassion, or my co-dependancy to suck me back in. Man, they can be so convincing... so be careful, whatever you decide.

So glad you are here!

Thumper

I think you break up with him like you would any other person. Be very clear, and do not leave shades of gray. In general alcoholics do not respect boundaries and just aren't very present in a relationship of any kind. If it were me, I'd make a clean break. You sound like such a smart woman. Surround yourself with healthy people and relationships. You'll never regret it.

Welcome to SR. The stickies at the top are chucked full of good info.

ErinGoBragh

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Discovering that he has not been honest with you, and members of his AA group, is a huge disappointment. You say he is a great guy and loves you a lot. JMO, but someone who is active in their addiction, and lying (in denial) about it, doesn't love themselves, much less their partner. As long as my exAH was romancing the bottle, his attempts at loving me struck me as manipulation, or less-than-sincere attempts.

I heard this frequently in my marriage. AH knew it was just a slip, and realized he had a problem, but he could handle it. I was sad to see it progress, along with this stubborn assertions that HE could control the drinking. It doesn't sound as if your bf is willing to let go and get honest with himself ... yet. In the meantime, are you attending Al-Anon or counseling? Both were of great help to me, particularly when I had to pull the plug and walk away. I was able to do so by taking charge of myself and simply telling him I could no longer live with his drinking. What he chose to do with his life was his business.

I don't know if you can be just friends. Would you like it if any of your friends were following a lifestyle that made you uncomfortable? How would you feel about them lying to you about it? Unfortunately, you cannot help your bf, because he has to reach out for help himself. I tried to help my AH during our marriage and discovered it was an exercise in futility, not to mention it started making me crazy. I came to the realization that the only person I could help was myself.

Shellcrusher

Hello and welcome to SR.
I agree with Kittykitty. Realizing there's a problem, knowing the problem won't work for you and making plans to change the situation is great to see.
Alcoholics tend to hear only what they want to hear. Therefore, I don't know if I'd put to much emphasis or energy into explaining my reasons of breaking up.

zanido1991

I just went through a similiar situation. I was shocked to find out my X was an A. I found out because he told me and then he started to describe how terrible it was, and he was so bad he actually had seizures at times. Even though he opened up and told me all of these things, there was nothing I could do. I struggled for many months trying to figure out a way to help him, and in the process our relationship became more and more codependent. It got to the point where I was completely absorbed with sadness and fear of his impending doom. He is a great guy. Before he started drinking he was beloved by all who knew him, family and friends alike. They all tried to help him, but the only one who can is himself. In short -- you should walk away quickly. You can't help him. Make the break up as clean as you can and have no contact with him. Thats just my advice. The longer you linger, the more likely you are to go down a road that is very hard to come back from. I haven't talked to my XABF in almost a month and I still dream about him every night! Nightmares.

surprised

Thank you all for your support. I know what I have to do, just isn't going to be easy. I'm so happy to have found this site and for all the useful advice you all have provided. Wish me luck & I wish you all the best as well!!!

Tally

Wow, three months. Amazing that you can see so quickly that this isn't going to work for you. It took me 7 years to leave my ex, 7 hellish, crazy making years and I regret them more than anything. Wish I would have had the self respect to get out after 3 months.

You definitely have your head screwed on. Just be prepared for some emotional manipulation when you do tell him. He may not be like that, but he might be too...so any attempts to make you feel guilty for dumping him or promises to be better etc...just telling you what you want to hear so you won't leave him.

marie1960

I am not discounting your feelings for your ABF. Looking at the big picture, you only have three months invested in this relationship. RUN, and never look back.Life is way to short to sacrifice your happiness and well being. It will only get worse, so save yourself now.

Keep the break up short and sweet, simply say good-bye..............

Eddiebuckle

The thing that strikes me is that in this one incident he's clearly lying to or in denial with:
*you
*his work colleagues
*his AA peers (he goes daily?? seriously?!)
*whoever he lives with that he felt he needs to decieve with work clothes

As a recovering alcoholic, when I said "it will never happen again" that meant I intended to improve my evasive techniques so as not to get CAUGHT again.

So I ask you - why would you want to maintain contact if you intend to break up with him? The only thing you're going to miss is more of the same BS. Break up, break contact, and be glad it was only 3 months.

dollydo

Welcome,

Lots of good advice ahead of me. I agree, you are doing the right thing for you. I too, would be short and sweet and then go no contact.

Take care, keep posting if you need to.

billsaintjames

If you do decide to break up with him, do him and yourself a favor and do not remain friends. Clearly you are ready to move on from this relationship, but he may or may not (most likely not) be on the same page as you. If you stay in contact with him, it gives him the delusion that there is a chance you two will get back together. It also slows you down in completely moving on from the relationship. If you are ready to move on, give the two of you the best opportunity to do so by completely severing ties.

surprised

Hello all,

I know It's been quite a while, but I always like to hear the ending of a story, so I thought I would share what actually happened in my situation.

I found out about by boyfriends alcoholism on a Monday. I didn't talk to him until Saturday. We talked every day after that until I finally agreed to see him the following Saturday. He was telling me all the right things - I'm going to AA meetings everyday, I'm starting over on the 12 steps, I'm re-reading the big book, I talk to my sponser all the time...
I knew this could all be lies, I knew there was a very high probability he would drink again. As I originally stated in my first post, I pretty much knew this relationship was doomed, but I'm all about second chances, and I'd already invited him to my family 4th of July get together. He is a really good guy and he did always treat me well.

I'm happy to report the 4th of July went great! I'm unhappy (though not surprised) that I caught him drinking the very next day. I say "caught" because I will never be sure if he ever really quit for those two weeks since I caught him the first time. I can't even really tell you when it was throughout this period that he lost his job - the second he'd lost since I'd met him.
Well, I've said goodbye. Last I heard from him he had moved in with his sponsor and was getting into an in-patient treatment program and had a job lined up (thanks to his sponsor) when he finished treatment. Again - I have no idea how much truth, if any, there is to these statements. I may never know, but I've let it go.

I really hope he does get help and recovers - he has so much to live for. This disease can strike anyone and it's been very sad to watch an actual doctor become a complete alcoholic indigent with no where to go. I really wish I could help him, but as we all know, there is nothing I can do - he has to do this for himself.

Best wishes to all of you in your own, or your friends and families recoveries. Thank you very much for the support you have all provided me. I cherish it greatly!

Jessicajaye13

You have to leave him and never look back before you get in too deep. He will try and manipulate you and make you feel bad for leaving. Don't! Don't be friends don't take his calls, just go! You will never bream free from it trust me. It's a slippery slope and it will bring you more heartache then you can ever imagine!

Freedom1990

Good for you! It sounds like he's getting the help he needs, and you are moving on with your life. Please be good to yourself, and continue to be true to yourself!

velma929

I'm agreeing with Thumper.

For what it's worth, I think all break-ups should be no contact for the first few months, whether an alcoholic is involved or not. I've seen, time after time, the "dumped" party view every phone call or visit as a sign that there is hope for the relationship to rekindle. The "dump-er" (usually a woman, who wants to stay friends) is mystified that he doesn't understand that they are through.

In the back of my head, I suspect many men accept the end of the romance, but desire a FWB package as a parting gift.

My apologies to men who are not dogs.