Just found out my new boyfriend is an alcoholic...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
Just found out my new boyfriend is an alcoholic...
Hello, I'm new to this sight, so please point me in the right direction!
I just found out that my new boyfriend of 3 months has a drinking problem. I found out by coming home and finding him passed out on the stairs. He'd actually gotten up and dressed to go to work. I found out he'd actually called in sick to work, changed, went fishing and drinking, then came back to my house, changed back into his work cloths to go home, so that everyone would think he had worked all day. He was so drunk he never made it out of my house.
At this point I've discovered he has a drinking problem, he attends AA daily and obiously has no problem lying about his "embarrassing" situation - embarrassing being his reason for not telling me sooner and lying about his meetings.
He really is a great guy and I know he loves me so much - he also treats me like a queen. However, I'm a smart girl and realize he hasn't even come to terms and accepted that he has a real problem. He just thinks he let it "get out of control" this time. He's also supplied the "it will never happen again" routine.
Knowing the reality is that this relationship is not likely to last in the long run, my quesiton is - how do I break up with him? He is not a bad, violent or abusive person, he really is a great guy, but this is not a good situation for me to be in. Is it possible to help him at all? Is it better to have a clean break or can we stay friends???
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you!!!
I just found out that my new boyfriend of 3 months has a drinking problem. I found out by coming home and finding him passed out on the stairs. He'd actually gotten up and dressed to go to work. I found out he'd actually called in sick to work, changed, went fishing and drinking, then came back to my house, changed back into his work cloths to go home, so that everyone would think he had worked all day. He was so drunk he never made it out of my house.
At this point I've discovered he has a drinking problem, he attends AA daily and obiously has no problem lying about his "embarrassing" situation - embarrassing being his reason for not telling me sooner and lying about his meetings.
He really is a great guy and I know he loves me so much - he also treats me like a queen. However, I'm a smart girl and realize he hasn't even come to terms and accepted that he has a real problem. He just thinks he let it "get out of control" this time. He's also supplied the "it will never happen again" routine.
Knowing the reality is that this relationship is not likely to last in the long run, my quesiton is - how do I break up with him? He is not a bad, violent or abusive person, he really is a great guy, but this is not a good situation for me to be in. Is it possible to help him at all? Is it better to have a clean break or can we stay friends???
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you!!!
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome.
I have no idea how to break up with him or help him, or whether y'all should be friends. I wouldn't presume.
There is a room more specifically for friends/family, if you like:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
They might know more about this type of situation.
Take care,
TB
I have no idea how to break up with him or help him, or whether y'all should be friends. I wouldn't presume.
There is a room more specifically for friends/family, if you like:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
They might know more about this type of situation.
Take care,
TB
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
If it were me, I'd part with him to allow him to work on his recovery, or not, and then decide later on whether to get back with him.
I'd let his behavior tell you how he's doing.
He's going to AA but still drinking?? He must not be putting too much effort into it as it's not keeping him sober, is it?
I'd let his behavior tell you how he's doing.
He's going to AA but still drinking?? He must not be putting too much effort into it as it's not keeping him sober, is it?
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I think it's smart to consider cutting this relationship off. Loving an alcoholic is painful. I am an alcoholic in recovery, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I've had several relationships with alcoholics. I would never knowingly put myself in the position of developing a relationship with someone that I would feel like I had to take care of, worry about (etc), in the ways you'll find yourself likely feeling if you continue on with this guy.
You can break up with him because he's not right for your life. It doesn't matter if he hasn't done anything TO you, directly.. people meet and part all the time, simply because they aren't right for each other. The truth is, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has issues with alcoholism/addiction. That's ok!!! The only control you have in your life is with yourself. You are free to set boundaries around who you will and wont have in your life, especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
AA or not, he's an active alcoholic. He will need time, loads of hard work to get and stay sober, which he clearly isn't choosing to do right now. This is the best that he is, right now. I read a lot on here about people in relationships with the HOPE of what an alcoholic *could* be, if they got sober.. if they got recovered, if if if.. that's not reality, it's fantasy.
I'm glad you're recognizing that this is far from an enhancement to your life.
You can break up with him because he's not right for your life. It doesn't matter if he hasn't done anything TO you, directly.. people meet and part all the time, simply because they aren't right for each other. The truth is, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has issues with alcoholism/addiction. That's ok!!! The only control you have in your life is with yourself. You are free to set boundaries around who you will and wont have in your life, especially when it comes to intimate relationships.
AA or not, he's an active alcoholic. He will need time, loads of hard work to get and stay sober, which he clearly isn't choosing to do right now. This is the best that he is, right now. I read a lot on here about people in relationships with the HOPE of what an alcoholic *could* be, if they got sober.. if they got recovered, if if if.. that's not reality, it's fantasy.
I'm glad you're recognizing that this is far from an enhancement to your life.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
You sound like a very clear and level headed person. I would just be as honest as possible and try to keep it as much about you as possible.
If it were me it would sound something like this:
"I really think you are a great guy and I care about you (blah blah) but I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore because": (cite examples of alcoholic behavior) and that you personally are not looking to get involved in that long road you know he has in front of him.
Do what feels natural to you though and remember that anytime there is a breakup, both the dumper and dumpee are going to feel hurt...no way around that.
If you want to really "help" him make sure you clearly let him know that alcohol cost him you. Then he may be moved to change.
Just a couple ideas...make your own best decision. Sorry you have to experience this but at least its only 90 days in and you haven't been married for years with kids to screw up.
If it were me it would sound something like this:
"I really think you are a great guy and I care about you (blah blah) but I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore because": (cite examples of alcoholic behavior) and that you personally are not looking to get involved in that long road you know he has in front of him.
Do what feels natural to you though and remember that anytime there is a breakup, both the dumper and dumpee are going to feel hurt...no way around that.
If you want to really "help" him make sure you clearly let him know that alcohol cost him you. Then he may be moved to change.
Just a couple ideas...make your own best decision. Sorry you have to experience this but at least its only 90 days in and you haven't been married for years with kids to screw up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: london
Posts: 7
hello,
I have just posted my introduction post without reading yours, perhaps you should read my post to see what you may receive and for how long. You are three months into this relationship, I put some poor s*d through misery and disappointment for eleven years. It only stopped because he bought a ticket and left.
I was a functioning drunk , had a job, didn't like to feel drunk, so controlled it until i felt they way i wanted and then stopped. I would never be found lying at the bottom of the stairs. But it was the mood swings, the critisim, the things that i was supposed to say but had no memory off. The way i managed to blame everybody else for being unreasonable.
Well I promised and broke it regularly that I would stop for ten of those years, of course there was always a good reason for not stopping :-) there always is
The parting words of my ex were 'you are such a lovely person when you are not drinking' 'but the trouble with you is you drink'.
Only you can decide what you want to do, you can pick what you want out of this post, I think you have a difficult choice to make and I wish you all the strength and luck in the world
hope that has been of some help to you
I have just posted my introduction post without reading yours, perhaps you should read my post to see what you may receive and for how long. You are three months into this relationship, I put some poor s*d through misery and disappointment for eleven years. It only stopped because he bought a ticket and left.
I was a functioning drunk , had a job, didn't like to feel drunk, so controlled it until i felt they way i wanted and then stopped. I would never be found lying at the bottom of the stairs. But it was the mood swings, the critisim, the things that i was supposed to say but had no memory off. The way i managed to blame everybody else for being unreasonable.
Well I promised and broke it regularly that I would stop for ten of those years, of course there was always a good reason for not stopping :-) there always is
The parting words of my ex were 'you are such a lovely person when you are not drinking' 'but the trouble with you is you drink'.
Only you can decide what you want to do, you can pick what you want out of this post, I think you have a difficult choice to make and I wish you all the strength and luck in the world
hope that has been of some help to you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Surprised,
As you probably know, this forum is for recovering alcoholics and addicts, newcomers to recovery. This isn't the family and friends forum. You are welcome to post here. My point in reminding you about which forum you are in is to say this: When recovering alcoholics tell you to break off the relationship (i.e., get out, run, etc.) with an active alcoholic, I think it is even more meaningful advice than when family and friends would say such a thing. You won't help yourself and you certainly won't help him by staying.
Susan
As you probably know, this forum is for recovering alcoholics and addicts, newcomers to recovery. This isn't the family and friends forum. You are welcome to post here. My point in reminding you about which forum you are in is to say this: When recovering alcoholics tell you to break off the relationship (i.e., get out, run, etc.) with an active alcoholic, I think it is even more meaningful advice than when family and friends would say such a thing. You won't help yourself and you certainly won't help him by staying.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
So much truth in what you're saying, susanlauren. I thought the same thing myself. Us alcoholics are so hard on ourselves and we definitely don't want others to suffer under the grip of our disease. I'd actually be pretty surprised to hear one of us recommend her staying!
The hard truth, surprised, is that although he may be going to AA and may be trying to get sober, he's still an active alcoholic. This means he is still drinking. You saw yourself that he's drinking inappropriate amounts and at inappropriate times and in inappropriate situations. That's the disease. There's a lot of heartache in this... for you and for him. After just a couple of months of dating I'd think it would be easier, safer and better to leave him. Definitely don't sugar coat your reasons. He needs to know! But don't let his disease dictate your own life. He had a disease before, he has it now and he'll have it always. You can't change that.
The hard truth, surprised, is that although he may be going to AA and may be trying to get sober, he's still an active alcoholic. This means he is still drinking. You saw yourself that he's drinking inappropriate amounts and at inappropriate times and in inappropriate situations. That's the disease. There's a lot of heartache in this... for you and for him. After just a couple of months of dating I'd think it would be easier, safer and better to leave him. Definitely don't sugar coat your reasons. He needs to know! But don't let his disease dictate your own life. He had a disease before, he has it now and he'll have it always. You can't change that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Surprised,
I am going to disagree with most people here. If you care about this person, I would encourage you to give him a zero tolerance ultimatum: ie, "no more drinking or I will leave."
In all probability, he will choose the drink, but it will serve a useful purpose. For one, he will know he made the choice. For another, at some point, he will look back on the incident and it may help him. Many years ago, I had someone tell me that I had to quit drinking or that they would leave.
My answer at the time was "well, that's certainly not going to happen" - and they left me - but well over a decade later, when things had gotten much worse, I still recalled that incident, and the choice I made, and it did help me.
There is, of course, the possibility that he will "snap out of it" if you put it to him this way, and that he will quit.
I do agree with others that, at the very least, if you simply want to split, which is your prerogative, do tell him precisely why. That may also help him down the line.
Feel free to send me a private message if you are interested in how to phrase things. I have helped others in this respect.
I am going to disagree with most people here. If you care about this person, I would encourage you to give him a zero tolerance ultimatum: ie, "no more drinking or I will leave."
In all probability, he will choose the drink, but it will serve a useful purpose. For one, he will know he made the choice. For another, at some point, he will look back on the incident and it may help him. Many years ago, I had someone tell me that I had to quit drinking or that they would leave.
My answer at the time was "well, that's certainly not going to happen" - and they left me - but well over a decade later, when things had gotten much worse, I still recalled that incident, and the choice I made, and it did help me.
There is, of course, the possibility that he will "snap out of it" if you put it to him this way, and that he will quit.
I do agree with others that, at the very least, if you simply want to split, which is your prerogative, do tell him precisely why. That may also help him down the line.
Feel free to send me a private message if you are interested in how to phrase things. I have helped others in this respect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
I wasn't sure where to start on this site, and although this may not be the best room for my questions, I am certainly glad I started here. Most of my feelings, thoughts and concerns have been validated. Thank you all so much for your support!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: london
Posts: 7
avrt said
If you care about this person, I would encourage you to give him a zero tolerance ultimatum: ie, "no more drinking or I will leave."
but do be prepared for him to lie and lie and lie and make excuses, he will think they are reasons. but it is just the disease.
i have had this disease for 17 years, and i have made so may promises to so many people, people that i love. but I am too sick to keep these promises. what i know is that I have hurt so many people with my broken promises.
Just be prepared if you stay that you will be on the receiving end of the hurt, probably on a daily basis. You have to ask yourself, what you want and what you deserve to have a good life.
I hope that you make a good choice for you my friend, you deserve the best, take care of yourself.
If you care about this person, I would encourage you to give him a zero tolerance ultimatum: ie, "no more drinking or I will leave."
but do be prepared for him to lie and lie and lie and make excuses, he will think they are reasons. but it is just the disease.
i have had this disease for 17 years, and i have made so may promises to so many people, people that i love. but I am too sick to keep these promises. what i know is that I have hurt so many people with my broken promises.
Just be prepared if you stay that you will be on the receiving end of the hurt, probably on a daily basis. You have to ask yourself, what you want and what you deserve to have a good life.
I hope that you make a good choice for you my friend, you deserve the best, take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I understand what you are saying here, and you are correct, but zero-tolerance means just that.
No more chances.
No slips, no relapses allowed.
One drop is too many.
One strike and you're out.
No more chances.
No slips, no relapses allowed.
One drop is too many.
One strike and you're out.
Servant of God
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Parts Unknown
Posts: 214
See surprised, the detail of where you are asking this question is so significant. I don't know of anyone in recovery that would ever tell you to coddle or enable another addict or would ever encourage you, as an apparently healthy thinker, to stick around for what's inevitably ahead for your friend. Some of that is a self-loathing nature that we have and some of it is because we know the loss that's required for an addict to get better.
You could ask the same question in a different setting and get a totally different opinion. Just try to empathize with your audience and be as aware as possible. The folks here, including myself, would probably be quick to point out that an addict has a long road ahead, an addict will try to lie and manipulate for a long time until changing, an addict doesn't get better or change if he has some comforts (you, shelter, material things) around him and can keep them and still use and some others.
The experience of the people here can provide insight for you and something really significant here is the fact you have only known this person for 90 days. I don't want to minimize you feelings, but to me it just doesn't seem like it's worth the hassle thats certainly ahead. I don't want to paint with a broad brush but if this person is indeed an addict they you really have no clue what they are even going to be like sober. You may not even like them then and they may not even like you when they figure themselves out.
I would definitely spend some time in the friends and family section and get some support there. Sorry, if I came off as trying to preach to you and I hope you can use some of the opinions here.
You could ask the same question in a different setting and get a totally different opinion. Just try to empathize with your audience and be as aware as possible. The folks here, including myself, would probably be quick to point out that an addict has a long road ahead, an addict will try to lie and manipulate for a long time until changing, an addict doesn't get better or change if he has some comforts (you, shelter, material things) around him and can keep them and still use and some others.
The experience of the people here can provide insight for you and something really significant here is the fact you have only known this person for 90 days. I don't want to minimize you feelings, but to me it just doesn't seem like it's worth the hassle thats certainly ahead. I don't want to paint with a broad brush but if this person is indeed an addict they you really have no clue what they are even going to be like sober. You may not even like them then and they may not even like you when they figure themselves out.
I would definitely spend some time in the friends and family section and get some support there. Sorry, if I came off as trying to preach to you and I hope you can use some of the opinions here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
If you are willing to break it off...I would...and possibly remain friends. I would just tell him that you aren't ready for the responsibility of an alcoholic in your life. You are not emotionally stable enough -or something like that!
Being an alcoholic, I know the heartache you will endure in the future. If you were only with him for a few months, those are the golden months. Its the same thing in business. Generally speaking, someone can be on their best behavior for up to 3 months before the true colors show through. His true colors showed and only you can make the decision. I s'pose that he was dancing around you and being so wonderful to give you no reason to believe he was anything other than the most wonderful charming man in the world. Guess what? Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic.
Being an alcoholic, I know the heartache you will endure in the future. If you were only with him for a few months, those are the golden months. Its the same thing in business. Generally speaking, someone can be on their best behavior for up to 3 months before the true colors show through. His true colors showed and only you can make the decision. I s'pose that he was dancing around you and being so wonderful to give you no reason to believe he was anything other than the most wonderful charming man in the world. Guess what? Once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic.
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